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initials
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\begin_body

\begin_layout Chapter
Impulse Control
\end_layout

\begin_layout Initial
\begin_inset Argument 2
status open

\begin_layout Plain Layout
“T
\end_layout

\end_inset


\begin_inset Argument 3
status open

\begin_layout Plain Layout
urpin,
\end_layout

\end_inset

 Lisa!
\begin_inset Quotes erd
\end_inset


\begin_inset Newline newline
\end_inset

Whisper whisper whisper harry potter whisper whisper slytherin whisper whisper
 no seriously what the hell whisper whisper
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“RAVENCLAW!”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry joined in the applause greeting the young girl walking shyly towards
 the Ravenclaw table, her robes' trim now changed to dark blue.
 Lisa Turpin appeared torn between her impulse to sit down as far away from
 Harry Potter as possible, and her impulse to run over, forcibly insert
 herself at his side and start tearing answers out of him.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Being at the center of an extraordinary and curious event, and then being
 Sorted into House Ravenclaw, was closely akin to being dipped in barbecue
 sauce and flung into a pit of starving kittens.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“I promised the Sorting Hat not to talk about it,” whispered Harry for the
 umpteenth time.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Yes, really.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“No, I really did promise the Sorting Hat not to talk about it.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Fine, I promised the Sorting Hat not to talk about 
\emph on
most
\emph default
 of it and the rest is 
\emph on
private
\emph default
 just like 
\emph on
yours was
\emph default
 so 
\emph on
stop asking.
\emph default
“
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“You want to know what happened? Fine! Here's part of what happened! I told
 the Hat that Professor McGonagall threatened to set it on fire and it told
 me to tell Professor McGonagall that she was an impudent youngster and
 she should get off its lawn!”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“If you're not going to believe what I say then 
\emph on
why are you even asking?
\emph default
”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“No, I don't know how I defeated the Dark Lord either! You tell me if you
 figure it out!”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“
\emph on
Silence!
\emph default
” shouted Professor McGonagall at the podium of the Head Table.
 “
\emph on
No talking until the Sorting Ceremony finishes!
\emph default
”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
There was a brief dip in the volume, as everyone waited to see if she was
 going to make any specific and credible threats, and then the whispers
 started up again.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Then the silver-bearded ancient stood up from his great golden chair, smiling
 cheerfully.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Instant silence.
 Someone frantically elbowed Harry as he tried to continue a whisper, and
 Harry cut himself off in mid-sentence.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
The cheerful-looking old man sat down again.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
Note to self: Do not mess with Dumbledore.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry was still trying to process everything that had happened during the
 Incident with the Sorting Hat.
 Not the least of which was what had happened the instant Harry had lifted
 the Hat off his head; in that moment, he'd heard a tiny whisper as though
 from nowhere, something that sounded oddly like English and a hiss at the
 same time, something that had said, “
\emph on
Ssalutations from Sslytherin to Sslytherin: if you would sseek my ssecretss,
 sspeak to my ssnake.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry was sorta guessing that wasn't supposed to be part of the official
 Sorting process.
 And that it was a bit of extra magic set down by Salazar Slytherin during
 the making of the Hat.
 And that the Hat itself didn't know about it.
 And that it was triggered when the Hat said “SLYTHERIN”, plus or minus
 some other conditions.
 And that a Ravenclaw like himself 
\emph on
really, really wasn't supposed to have heard it
\emph default
.
 And that if he could find some reliable way of swearing Draco to secrecy
 so he could ask him about it, that would be an excellent time to have some
 Comed-Tea handy.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
Boy, you resolve not to go down the path of a Dark Lord and the universe
 starts messing with you the instant the Hat comes off your head.
 Some days it just doesn't pay to fight destiny.
 Maybe I'll wait until tomorrow to start on my resolution to not be a Dark
 Lord.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“GRYFFINDOR!”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Ron Weasley got a 
\emph on
lot
\emph default
 of applause, and not just from the Gryffindors.
 Apparently the Weasley family was widely liked around here.
 Harry, after a moment, smiled and started applauding along with the others.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Then again, there was no time like today to turn back from the Dark Side.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Stuff destiny and stuff the universe.
 He'd show that Hat.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Zabini, Blaise!”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Pause.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“SLYTHERIN!” shouted the hat.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry applauded Zabini too, ignoring the odd looks he was getting from everyone
 including Zabini.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
No other name was called out after that, and Harry realised that “Zabini,
 Blaise” did sound close to the end of the alphabet.
 Great, so now he'd 
\emph on
only
\emph default
 applauded Zabini… Oh well.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Dumbledore got up again and began heading towards the podium.
 Apparently they were about to be treated to a speech 
\begin_inset ERT
status open

\begin_layout Plain Layout

--
\end_layout

\end_inset


\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
And Harry was struck by the inspiration for a 
\emph on
brilliant
\emph default
 experimental test.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Hermione had said that Dumbledore was the most powerful wizard alive, right?
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry reached into his pouch and whispered, “Comed-Tea”.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
For the Comed-Tea to work, it would have to make Dumbledore say something
 
\emph on
so
\emph default
 ridiculous during his speech that even in Harry's state of mental preparedness,
 he would 
\emph on
still
\emph default
 choke.
 Like, all the Hogwarts students had to not wear any clothes for the whole
 school year, or everyone was going to be transformed into cats.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
But then if 
\emph on
anyone in the world
\emph default
 could resist the power of the Comed-Tea, it would be Dumbledore.
 So if this worked, the Comed-Tea was literally 
\emph on
invincible.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry pulled the ring on the Comed-Tea under the table, wanting to do this
 a bit unobtrusively.
 The can made a quiet hissing noise.
 A few heads turned to look at him, but soon turned back as 
\begin_inset ERT
status open

\begin_layout Plain Layout

--
\end_layout

\end_inset


\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Welcome! Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts!” said Dumbledore, beaming at
 the students with his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased
 him more than to see them all there.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry took a first mouthful of Comed-Tea and lowered the can again.
 He would swallow the pop a little at a time and try not to choke no matter
 
\emph on
what
\emph default
 Dumbledore said 
\begin_inset ERT
status open

\begin_layout Plain Layout

--
\end_layout

\end_inset


\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words.
 And here they are: Happy happy boom boom swamp swamp swamp! Thank you!”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Everyone clapped and cheered, and Dumbledore sat down again.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry sat frozen as pop trickled out of the corners of his mouth.
 He had, at least, managed to choke 
\emph on
quietly
\emph default
.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
He really really 
\emph on
really
\emph default
 shouldn't have done that.
 Amazing how much 
\emph on
more obvious
\emph default
 that became 
\emph on
one second
\emph default
 after it was 
\emph on
too late
\emph default
.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
In retrospect he probably should have noticed something wrong when he was
 thinking about everyone being turned into cats… or even before then, remembered
 his mental note not to mess with Dumbledore… or his newfound resolution
 to be more considerate of others… or maybe if he'd had 
\emph on
one single scrap
\emph default
 of 
\emph on
common sense
\emph default
…
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
It was hopeless.
 He was corrupt to the core.
 Hail the Dark Lord Harry.
 You couldn't fight fate.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Someone was asking Harry if he was all right.
 (Others were starting to serve themselves food, which had magically appeared
 on the table, whatever.)
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“I'm all right,” Harry said.
 “Excuse me.
 Um.
 Was that a… 
\emph on
normal
\emph default
 speech for the Headmaster? You all… didn't seem… very surprised…”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Oh, Dumbledore's insane, of course,” said an older-looking Ravenclaw sitting
 next to him who had introduced himself with some name Harry didn't even
 begin to remember.
 “Lots of fun, incredibly powerful wizard, but completely bonkers.” He paused.
 “At some later point I'd also like to ask why green fluid came out of your
 lips and then disappeared, though I expect you promised the Sorting Hat
 not to talk about that either.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
With a great effort, Harry stopped himself from glancing down at the incriminati
ng can of Comed-Tea in his hand.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
After all, the Comed-Tea hadn't just arbitrarily 
\emph on
materialised
\emph default
 a Quibbler headline about him and Draco.
 Draco had explained it in a way that made it seem like it had all happened…
 naturally? As if it had 
\emph on
altered history to fit?
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry was mentally imagining himself banging his forehead against the table.
 
\emph on
Wham, wham, wham
\emph default
 went his head within his mind.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Another student lowered her voice to a whisper.
 “I hear that Dumbledore is secretly a genius mastermind controlling lots
 of stuff and he uses the insanity as a cover so that no one will suspect
 him.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“I've heard that too,” whispered a third student, and there were furtive
 nods from around the table.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
This couldn't help but catch Harry's attention.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“I see,” whispered Harry, lowering his own voice.
 “So everyone knows that Dumbledore is secretly a mastermind.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Most of the students nodded.
 One or two looked suddenly thoughtful, including the older student sitting
 next to Harry.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
Are you sure this is the Ravenclaw table?
\emph default
 Harry managed not to ask out loud.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Brilliant!” Harry whispered.
 “If everyone knows, no one will suspect it's a secret!”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Exactly,” whispered a student, and then he frowned.
 “Wait, that doesn't sound quite right 
\begin_inset ERT
status open

\begin_layout Plain Layout

--
\end_layout

\end_inset

”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
Note to self: The 75th percentile of Hogwarts students a.k.a.
\emph default

\begin_inset ERT
status open

\begin_layout Plain Layout


\backslash
 
\end_layout

\end_inset


\emph on
Ravenclaw House is not the world's most exclusive program for gifted children.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
But at least he'd learned an important fact today.
 The Comed-Tea was omnipotent.
 And 
\emph on
that
\emph default
 meant…
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry blinked in surprise as his mind finally made the obvious connection.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
…
\emph on
that
\emph default
 meant that as soon as he learned a spell to temporarily alter his own sense
 of humor, he could make 
\emph on
anything
\emph default
 happen, by making it so that he would 
\emph on
only
\emph default
 find that 
\emph on
one thing
\emph default
 surprising enough to do a spit-take, and then drinking a can of Comed-Tea.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
Well that was a short little journey to godhood.
 Even I expected this to take longer than my first day of school.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Come to think of it, he had also completely wrecked Hogwarts within ten
 minutes flat of getting Sorted.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry did feel a certain amount of regret about this 
\begin_inset ERT
status open

\begin_layout Plain Layout

--
\end_layout

\end_inset

 Merlin knew what an insane Headmaster was going to do to his next seven
 years of schooling 
\begin_inset ERT
status open

\begin_layout Plain Layout

--
\end_layout

\end_inset

 but he couldn't 
\emph on
help
\emph default
 feeling a twinge of pride, too.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Tomorrow.
 No later than tomorrow at the very latest he was going to stop walking
 down the path that led to Dark Lord Harry.
 A prospect which was sounding scarier by the minute.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
And yet also, somehow, increasingly attractive.
 Part of his mind was already visualising the minions' uniforms.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Eat,” the older student sitting next to him growled, and jabbed Harry in
 the ribs.
 “Don't think.
 Eat.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry automatically started loading up his plate with whatever was in front
 of him, blue sausages with tiny glowing bits, whatever.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“What were you thinking about, the Sorting 
\begin_inset ERT
status open

\begin_layout Plain Layout

--
\end_layout

\end_inset

” began to say Padma Patil, one of the other first-year Ravenclaws.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“No pestering during mealtimes!” chorused at least three people.
 “House Rule!” added another.
 “Otherwise we'd all starve around here.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry was finding himself really, really hoping that his clever new idea
 didn't 
\emph on
actually
\emph default
 work.
 And that the Comed-Tea worked some other way and didn't 
\emph on
actually
\emph default
 have the omnipotent power to alter reality.
 It wasn't that he didn't 
\emph on
want
\emph default
 to be omnipotent.
 It was that he just couldn't bear the thought of living in a universe that
 really worked like that.
 There was something 
\emph on
undignified
\emph default
 about ascending through the clever use of fizzy drinks.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
But he 
\emph on
was
\emph default
 going to test it experimentally.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“You know,” said the older student next to him in a quite pleasant tone,
 “we have a system for forcing people like you to eat, would you like to
 find out what it is?”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry gave up and started eating his blue sausage.
 It was quite good, especially the glowing bits.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Dinner passed with surprising rapidity.
 Harry tried to sample at least a little of all the weird new foods he saw.
 His curiosity couldn't stand the thought of 
\emph on
not knowing
\emph default
 how something tasted.
 Thank goodness this wasn't a restaurant where you had to order only one
 thing and you never found out what all the other things on the menu tasted
 like.
 Harry 
\emph on
hated
\emph default
 that, it was like a torture chamber for anyone with a spark of curiosity:
 
\emph on
Find out about only one of the mysteries on this list, ha ha ha!
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Then it was time for dessert, which Harry had completely forgotten to leave
 room for.
 He gave up after sampling a small bit of treacle tart.
 Surely all these things would pass around at least once again over the
 course of the school year.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
So what was on his to-do list, besides the ordinary school things?
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
To-do 1.
 Research mind-alteration charms so you can test the Comed-Tea and see whether
 you actually did figure out a path to omnipotence.
 Actually, just research every kind of mind magic you can find.
 Mind is the foundation of our power as humans, any kind of magic that affects
 it is the most important sort of magic there is.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
To-do 2.
 Actually this is To-do 1 and the other is To-do 2.
 Go through the bookshelves of the Hogwarts and Ravenclaw libraries, familiarisi
ng yourself with the system and making sure you've at least read all the
 book titles.
 Second pass: read all tables of contents.
 Coordinate with Hermione who has a much better memory than you.
 Find out if there's an interlibrary loan system at Hogwarts and see if
 the two of you, especially Hermione, can visit those libraries too.
 If other Houses have private libraries, figure out how to access legally
 or sneak in.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
Option 3a: Swear Hermione to secrecy and try to start researching `From
 Slytherin to Slytherin: if you would seek my secrets, speak to my snake.'
 Problem: This sounds highly confidential and it could take quite a while
 to randomly run across a book containing a hint.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
To-do 0: Check out what sort of information-search-and-retrieval spells
 exist, if any.
 Library magic isn't as ultimately important as mind magic but it has a
 much higher priority.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
Option 3b: Look for a spell to magically bind Draco Malfoy to secrecy, or
 magically verify the sincerity of Draco's promise to keep a secret (Veritaserum
?), and then ask
\emph default
 him 
\emph on
about Slytherin's message…
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Actually… Harry had a pretty bad feeling about option 3b.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Now that Harry thought about it, he didn't feel all that great about option
 3a, either.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry's thoughts flashed back to possibly the worst moment of his life to
 date, those long seconds of blood-freezing horror beneath the Hat, when
 he thought he'd already failed.
 He'd wished then to fall back just a few minutes in time and change something,
 anything before it was too late…
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
And then it had turned out to not be too late after all.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Wish granted.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
You couldn't change history.
 But you could get it right to start with.
 Do something differently the 
\emph on
first
\emph default
 time around.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
This whole business with seeking Slytherin's secrets… seemed an awful lot
 like the sort of thing where, years later, you would look back and say,
 `And 
\emph on
that
\emph default
 was where it all started going wrong.'
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
And he would wish desperately for the ability to fall back through time
 and make a different choice…
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Wish granted.
 Now what?
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry slowly smiled.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
It was a rather 
\emph on
counterintuitive
\emph default
 thought… but…
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
But he 
\emph on
could,
\emph default
 there was no rule saying he couldn't, he 
\emph on
could
\emph default
 just pretend he'd never heard that little whisper.
 Let the universe go on in exactly the same way it would have if that one
 critical moment had never occurred.
 Twenty years later, that was what he would desperately wish had happened
 twenty years ago, and twenty years before twenty years later happened to
 be right now.
 Altering the distant past was easy, you just had to think of it at the
 right time.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Or… this was even 
\emph on
more
\emph default
 counterintuitive… he could even inform, oh, say, 
\emph on
Professor McGonagall,
\emph default
 instead of Draco 
\emph on
or
\emph default
 Hermione.
 And she could get a few good people together and get that little extra
 spell taken off the Hat.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Why, yes.
 That sounded like a 
\emph on
remarkably
\emph default
 good idea once Harry had actually 
\emph on
thought
\emph default
 of it.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
So very obvious in retrospect, and yet somehow, Option 3c and Option 3d
 just hadn't occurred to him.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry awarded himself +1 point on his anti-Dark-Lord-Harry program.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
It had been an awfully cruel prank the Hat had played on him, but you couldn't
 argue with the results on consequentialist grounds.
 It certainly did give him a better idea of the victim's perspective, though.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
To-do 4: Apologise to Neville Longbottom.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Okay, he was on a roll here, now he just had to keep it up.
 
\emph on
In every day, in every way, I'm getting Lighter and Lighter…
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
People around Harry had also mostly stopped eating at this point, and the
 dessert serving dishes began to vanish, and the used plates.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
When all the plates were gone, Dumbledore once again stood up from his seat.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry couldn't help but feel the urge to drink another Comed-Tea.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
You've GOT to be kidding,
\emph default
 Harry thought at that piece of himself.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
But the experiment didn't count if it wasn't replicated, did it? And the
 damage was already done, wasn't it? Didn't he want to see what would happen
 
\emph on
this
\emph default
 time? Wasn't he 
\emph on
curious?
\emph default
 What if he got a different result?
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
Hey, I bet you're the same part of my brain that pushed through the prank
 on Neville Longbottom.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Er, maybe?
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
And is it not
\emph default
 overwhelmingly 
\emph on
obvious that if I do this I shall regret it one second after it is too late?
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Um…
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard

\emph on
Yeah.
 So, NO.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Ahem,” said Dumbledore from the podium, stroking his long silver beard.
 “Just a few more words now that we are all fed and watered.
 I have a few start-of-term notices to give you.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“First years should note that the forest on the grounds is forbidden to
 all pupils.
 That is why it is called the Forbidden Forest.
 If it were permitted it would be called the Permitted Forest.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Straightforward.
 
\emph on
Note to self: Forbidden Forest is forbidden.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“I have also been asked by Mr.
 Filch, the caretaker, to remind you all that no magic should be used between
 classes in the corridors.
 Alas, we all know that what 
\emph on
should be
\emph default
, and what 
\emph on
is
\emph default
, are two different things.
 Thank you for keeping this in mind.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Er…
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Quidditch trials will be held in the second week of the term.
 Anyone interested in playing for their house teams should contact Madam
 Hooch.
 Anyone interested in reformulating the entire game of Quidditch should
 contact Harry Potter.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry inhaled his own saliva and went into a coughing fit just as all eyes
 turned towards him.
 How the 
\emph on
hell!
\emph default
 He hadn't met Dumbledore's eyes at any point… he didn't 
\emph on
think.

\emph default
 He certainly hadn't been thinking about Quidditch at the time! He hadn't
 talked to anyone but Ron Weasley and he didn't 
\emph on
think
\emph default
 Ron would have told anyone else… or had Ron run off to a professor to complain?
 
\emph on
How
\emph default
 on 
\emph on
Earth…
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Additionally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor
 on the right-hand side is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to
 die a very painful death.
 It is guarded by an elaborate series of dangerous and potentially lethal
 traps, and you cannot possibly get past all of them, especially if you
 are only in your first year.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry was numb at this point.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“And finally, I extend my greatest thanks to Quirinus Quirrell for heroically
 agreeing to undertake the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts Professor
 at Hogwarts.” Dumbledore's gaze moved searchingly across the students.
 “I hope all students will extend Professor Quirrell that utmost courtesy
 and 
\emph on
tolerance
\emph default
 which is due his extraordinary service to you and this school, and that
 you 
\emph on
will not pester us
\emph default
 with any 
\emph on
niggling complaints
\emph default
 about him, unless 
\emph on
you
\emph default
 want to try doing his job.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
What was 
\emph on
that
\emph default
 about?
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“I now yield the floor to our new faculty member Professor Quirrell, who
 would like to say a few words.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
The young, thin, nervous man who Harry had first met in the Leaky Cauldron
 slowly made his way up to the podium, glancing fearfully around in all
 directions.
 Harry caught a glimpse of the back of his head, and it looked like Professor
 Quirrell might already be going bald, despite his seeming youth.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Wonder what's wrong with 
\emph on
him,
\emph default
” whispered the older-looking student sitting next to Harry.
 Similar hushed comments were being exchanged elsewhere along the table.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Professor Quirrell made his way up to the podium and stood there, blinking.
 “Ah…” he said.
 “Ah…” Then his courage seemed to fail him utterly, and he stood there in
 silence, occasionally twitching.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Oh, great,” whispered the older student, “looks like another 
\emph on
long
\emph default
 year in Defence class 
\begin_inset ERT
status open

\begin_layout Plain Layout

--
\end_layout

\end_inset

”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Salutations, my young apprentices,” Professor Quirrell said in a dry, confident
 tone.
 “We all know that Hogwarts tends to suffer a certain 
\emph on
misfortune
\emph default
 in its selections for this position, and no doubt many of you are already
 wondering what doom shall befall me this year.
 I assure you, that doom is not to be my incompetence.” He smiled thinly.
 “Believe it or not, I have long wished to someday try my hand as the Professor
 of Defence Against the Dark Arts here at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft
 and Wizardry.
 The first to teach this class was Salazar Slytherin himself, and as late
 as the fourteenth century it was traditional for the greatest fighting
 wizards of every persuasion to try their hands at teaching here.
 Past Professors of Defence have included not just the legendary wandering
 hero Harold Shea but also the quote undying unquote Baba Yaga, yes, I see
 some of you are still shuddering at the sound of her name even though she's
 been dead for six hundred years.
 That must have been an interesting time to attend Hogwarts, don't you think?”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Harry was swallowing hard, trying to suppress the sudden surge of emotion
 that had overcome him when Professor Quirrell had begun speaking.
 The precise tones reminded him very much of a lecturer at Oxford, and it
 was starting to hit home that Harry wasn't going to see his home or his
 Mum or his Dad until Christmas.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“You are accustomed to the Defence position being filled by incompetents,
 scoundrels, and the unlucky.
 To anyone with a sense of history, it bears another reputation entirely.
 Not everyone who teaches here has been the best, but the best have all
 taught at Hogwarts.
 In such august company, and after so much time anticipating this day, I
 would be ashamed to set myself any standard lower than perfection.
 And so I do intend that every one of you will always remember this year
 as the 
\emph on
best
\emph default
 Defence class that you have ever had.
 What you learn this year will forever serve as your firm foundation in
 the arts of Defence, no matter who your teachers before and after.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Professor Quirrell's expression grew serious.
 “We have a 
\emph on
great
\emph default
 deal of lost ground to make up and not much time to cover it.
 Therefore I intend to depart from Hogwarts teaching conventions in a number
 of respects, as well as introducing some optional after-school activities.”
 He paused.
 “If that is not sufficient, perhaps I can find new ways to motivate you.
 You are my long-awaited students, and you 
\emph on
will
\emph default
 do your 
\emph on
very
\emph default
 best in my long-awaited Defence class.
 I would add some sort of dreadful threat, like `Otherwise you will suffer
 horribly', but that would be so cliched, don't you think? I pride myself
 on being more imaginative than that.
 Thank you.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Then the vigour and confidence seemed to drain away from Professor Quirrell.
 His mouth gaped open as if he had suddenly found himself facing an unexpected
 audience, and he turned with a convulsive jerk and shuffled back to his
 seat, hunched over as if he was about to collapse in on himself and implode.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“He seems a little odd,” whispered Harry.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“Meh,” said the older-looking student.
 “You ain't seen nothin'.”
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
Dumbledore resumed the podium.
\end_layout

\begin_layout Standard
“And now,” said Dumbledore, “before we go to bed, let us sing the school
 song! Everyone pick their favourite tune and favourite words, and off we
 go!”
\end_layout

\end_body
\end_document