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048.lyx
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#LyX 2.1 created this file. For more info see http://www.lyx.org/
\lyxformat 474
\begin_document
\begin_header
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\master hpmor_volume2_16x23.lyx
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initials
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\end_header
\begin_body
\begin_layout Chapter
Utilitarian Priorities
\end_layout
\begin_layout Initial
\begin_inset Argument 2
status open
\begin_layout Plain Layout
I
\end_layout
\end_inset
\begin_inset Argument 3
status open
\begin_layout Plain Layout
t
\end_layout
\end_inset
was Saturday, the first morning of February, and at the Ravenclaw table,
a boy bearing a breakfast plate heaped high with vegetables was nervously
inspecting his servings for the slightest trace of meat.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
It
\emph on
might
\emph default
have been an overreaction.
After he'd gotten over the raw shock, Harry's common sense had woken up
and hypothesized that “Parseltongue” was probably just a linguistic user
interface for controlling snakes…
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
…after all, snakes couldn't
\emph on
really
\emph default
be human-level intelligent,
\emph on
someone
\emph default
would have noticed by now.
The smallest-brained creatures Harry had ever heard of with anything like
linguistic ability were the African grey parrots taught by Irene Pepperberg.
And that was unstructured protolanguage, in a species that played complex
games of adultery and needed to model other parrots.
While according to what Draco had been able to remember, snakes spoke to
Parselmouths in what sounded like normal human language
\begin_inset ERT
status open
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--
\end_layout
\end_inset
i.e., full-blown recursive syntactical grammar.
That had taken
\emph on
time
\emph default
for hominids to evolve, with huge brains and strong social selection pressures.
Snakes didn't have much society at all that Harry had ever heard.
And with thousands upon thousands of different species of snakes all over
the world, how could they all use the
\emph on
same
\emph default
version of their supposed language, “Parseltongue"?
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Of course that was all merely common sense, in which Harry was starting
to lose faith entirely.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
But Harry was sure he'd heard snakes hissing on the TV at some point
\begin_inset ERT
status open
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--
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after all, he knew what that sounded like from
\emph on
somewhere
\emph default
\begin_inset ERT
status open
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--
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\end_inset
and
\emph on
that
\emph default
hadn't sounded to him like language, which had seemed a good deal more
reassuring…
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
…at first.
The problem was that Draco had also asserted that Parselmouths could send
snakes on extended complex missions.
And if that was true, then Parselmouths had to
\emph on
make snakes persistently intelligent
\emph default
by talking to them.
In the worst-case scenario that would make the snake self-aware, like what
Harry had accidentally done to the Sorting Hat.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
And when Harry had offered
\emph on
that
\emph default
hypothesis, Draco had claimed that he could remember a story
\begin_inset ERT
status open
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--
\end_layout
\end_inset
Harry hoped to Cthulhu that
\emph on
this one
\emph default
story was just a fairy tale, it had that ring to it, but there
\emph on
was
\emph default
a story
\begin_inset ERT
status open
\begin_layout Plain Layout
--
\end_layout
\end_inset
about Salazar Slytherin sending a brave young viper on a mission to
\emph on
gather information from other snakes.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
If any snake a Parselmouth had talked to, could make
\emph on
other
\emph default
snakes self-aware by talking to
\emph on
them,
\emph default
then…
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Then…
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Harry didn't even know why his mind was going all “then… then…” when he
knew perfectly well how the exponential progression would work, it was
just the sheer moral horror of it that was blowing his mind.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
And what if someone had invented a spell like that to talk to cows?
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
What if there were Poultrymouths?
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Or for that matter…
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Harry froze in sudden realization just as the forkful of carrots was about
to enter his mouth.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
That couldn't, couldn't possibly be true, surely no wizard would be stupid
enough to do THAT…
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
And Harry knew, with a dreadful sinking feeling, that
\emph on
of course
\emph default
they would be that stupid.
Salazar Slytherin had probably never considered the moral implications
of snake intelligence for even one second, just like it hadn't ever occurred
to Salazar that
\emph on
Muggleborns
\emph default
were intelligent enough to deserve personhood rights.
Most people just didn't see moral issues at all unless someone else was
pointing them out…
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“Harry?” said Terry from beside him, sounding like he was afraid he would
regret asking.
“Why are you staring at your fork like that?”
\begin_inset Float figure
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filename 048-is_my_salad_a_sentient__by_dinosaurusgede-d319hoy.png
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\begin_layout Standard
“I'm starting to think magic should be illegal,” said Harry.
“By the way, have you ever heard any stories about wizards who could speak
with plants?”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Quote
\align center
\begin_inset Graphics
filename fleur.png
scale 50
\end_inset
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Terry hadn't heard of anything like that.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Neither had any seventh-year Ravenclaws that Harry had asked.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
And now Harry had returned to his place, but not yet sat down again, staring
at his plate of vegetables with a forlorn expression.
He was getting hungrier, and later in the day he would be visiting Mary's
Place for one of their incredibly tasty dishes… Harry was finding himself
sorely tempted to just revert back to yesterday's eating habits and be
done with it.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
You've got to eat something,
\emph default
said his inner Slytherin.
\emph on
And it's not all that much
\emph default
more
\emph on
likely that anyone sneezed self-awareness onto poultry than onto plants,
so as long as you're eating food of questionable sentience either way,
why not eat the delicious deep-fried Diracawl slices?
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
I'm not quite sure that's valid utilitarian logic, there
\begin_inset ERT
status open
\begin_layout Plain Layout
--
\end_layout
\end_inset
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
Oh, you want utilitarian logic? One serving of utilitarian logic coming
up: Even in the unlikely chance that some moron
\emph default
did
\emph on
manage to confer sentience on chickens, it's
\emph default
your
\emph on
research that stands the best chance of discovering the fact and doing something
about it.
If you can complete your work even slightly faster by
\emph default
not
\emph on
messing around with your diet, then, counterintuitive as it may seem, the
\emph default
best
\emph on
thing you can do to save the greatest number of possibly-sentient who-knows-what
s is
\emph default
not
\emph on
wasting time on wild guesses about what might be intelligent.
It's not like the house elves haven't prepared the food already, regardless
of what you take onto your plate.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Harry considered this for a moment.
It was a rather seductive line of reasoning
\begin_inset ERT
status open
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--
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\end_inset
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
Good!
\emph default
said Slytherin.
\emph on
I'm glad you see now that the most moral thing to do is to sacrifice the
lives of sentient beings for your own convenience, to feed your dreadful
appetites, for the sick pleasure of ripping them apart with your teeth
\begin_inset ERT
status open
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--
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\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
What?
\emph default
Harry thought indignantly.
\emph on
Which side are you
\emph default
on
\emph on
here?
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
His inner Slytherin's mental voice was grim.
\emph on
You too will someday embrace the doctrine… that the end justifies the meats.
\emph default
This was followed by some mental snickering.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Ever since Harry had started worrying that plants might also be sentient,
his non-Ravenclaw components had been having trouble taking his moral caution
seriously.
Hufflepuff was shouting
\emph on
Cannibalism!
\emph default
every time Harry tried to think about any food item whatsoever, and Gryffindor
would visualize it screaming while he ate it, even if it was, say, a sandwich
\begin_inset ERT
status open
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--
\end_layout
\end_inset
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
Cannibalism!
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
AIIIEEEE DON'T EAT ME
\begin_inset ERT
status open
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--
\end_layout
\end_inset
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
Ignore the screams, eat it anyway! It's a safe place to compromise your
ethics in the service of higher goals, everyone
\emph default
else
\emph on
thinks it's okay to eat sandwiches so you can't use your usual rationalization
about a small probability of a large downside if you get caught
\begin_inset ERT
status open
\begin_layout Plain Layout
--
\end_layout
\end_inset
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Harry gave a mental sigh, and thought,
\emph on
Just so long as you're okay with
\emph default
us
\emph on
being eaten by giant monsters that didn't do enough research into whether
\emph default
we
\emph on
were sentient.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
I'm okay with that,
\emph default
said Slytherin.
\emph on
Is everyone else okay with that?
\emph default
(Internal mental nods.)
\emph on
Great, can we go back to deep-fried Diracawl slices now?
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
Not until I've done some more research into what's sentient and what isn't.
Now shut up.
\emph default
And Harry turned firmly away from his plate full of oh-so-tempting vegetables
to head toward the library
\begin_inset ERT
status open
\begin_layout Plain Layout
--
\end_layout
\end_inset
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
Just eat the students,
\emph default
said Hufflepuff.
\emph on
There's no doubt about whether
\emph default
they're
\emph on
sentient.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
You know you want to,
\emph default
said Gryffindor.
\emph on
I bet the young ones are the tastiest.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Harry was starting to wonder if the Dementor had somehow damaged their imaginary
personalities.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Quote
\align center
\begin_inset Graphics
filename fleur.png
scale 50
\end_inset
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“
\emph on
Honestly
\emph default
,” said Hermione.
The young girl's voice sounded a little acerbic as her gaze scanned the
bookshelves of the Herbology stacks in the Hogwarts library.
Harry had left her a message asking if she could come to the library after
she'd finished breakfast, which Harry had skipped; but then when Harry
had introduced the day's topic she'd seemed a bit nonplussed.
“You know your problem, Harry? You've got no sense of priorities.
An idea gets into your head and you just go running straight off after
it.”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“I've got a
\emph on
great
\emph default
sense of priorities,” said Harry.
His hand reached out and grabbed
\emph on
Vegetable Cunning
\emph default
by Casey McNamara, and began to flip through the starting pages, searching
for the table of contents.
“That's why I want to find out whether plants can talk
\emph on
before
\emph default
I eat my carrots.”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“Don't you think that maybe the two of us have more
\emph on
important
\emph default
things to worry about?”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
\emph on
You sound just like Draco,
\emph default
Harry thought, but of course didn't say out loud.
Out loud he said, “What could
\emph on
possibly
\emph default
be more important than plants turning out to be sentient?”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
There was a pregnant silence from beside him, as Harry's eyes went down
the table of contents.
There was indeed a chapter on Plant Language, causing Harry's heart to
skip a beat; and then his hands began to rapidly turn the pages, heading
for the appropriate page number.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“There are days,” said Hermione Granger, “when I really, truly, have absolutely
no idea what goes on inside that head of yours.”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“Look, it's a question of multiplication, okay? There's a
\emph on
lot
\emph default
of plants in the world, if they're
\emph on
not
\emph default
sentient then they're not important, but if plants
\emph on
are
\emph default
people then they've got more moral weight than all the human beings in
the world put together.
Now, of course your brain doesn't realize that on an intuitive level, but
that's because the brain can't multiply.
Like if you ask three separate groups of Canadian households how much they'll
pay to save two thousand, twenty thousand, or two hundred thousand birds
from dying in oil ponds, the three groups will respectively state that
they're willing to pay seventy-eight, eighty-eight, and eighty dollars.
No difference, in other words.
It's called scope insensitivity.
Your brain imagines a single bird struggling in an oil pond, and that image
creates some amount of emotion that determines your willingness to pay.
But no one can visualize even two thousand of anything, so the
\emph on
quantity
\emph default
just gets thrown straight out the window.
Now try to
\emph on
correct
\emph default
that bias with respect to a
\emph on
hundred trillion
\emph default
sentient blades of grass, and you'll realize that this could be thousands
of times more important than we used to think the whole human species was…
oh thank Azathoth, this says it's just mandrakes
\begin_inset Note Note
status open
\begin_layout Plain Layout
it was:
\begin_inset Quotes eld
\end_inset
a few magical plants
\begin_inset Quotes erd
\end_inset
; changed on 2014/03/04
\end_layout
\end_inset
that can talk and they speak regular human language out loud, not that
there's a spell you can use to talk with
\emph on
any
\emph default
plant
\begin_inset ERT
status open
\begin_layout Plain Layout
--
\end_layout
\end_inset
”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“Ron came to me at breakfast yesterday morning,” Hermione said.
Now her voice sounded a little quiet, a little sad, maybe even a little
scared.
“He said he'd been dreadfully shocked to see me kiss you.
That what you said while you were Demented should've shown me how much
evil you were hiding inside.
And that if I was going to be a follower of a Dark Wizard, then he wasn't
sure he wanted to be in my army anymore.”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Harry's hands had stopped turning pages.
It seemed that Harry's brain, for all its abstract knowledge, was still
incapable of appreciating scope on any real emotional level, because it
had just forcibly redirected his attention away from trillions of possibly-sent
ient blades of grass who might be suffering or dying even as they spoke,
and toward the life of a single human being who happened to be nearer and
dearer.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“Ron is the world's most gigantic prat,” Harry said.
“They won't be printing that in the newspaper anytime soon, because it's
not news.
So after you fired him, how many of his arms and legs did you break?”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“I tried to tell him it wasn't like that,” Hermione went on in the same
quiet voice.
“I tried to tell him
\emph on
you
\emph default
weren't like that, and that it wasn't like that between the two of us,
but it just seemed to make him even more… more like he was.”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“Well, yes,” Harry said.
He was surprised that he wasn't feeling angrier at Captain Weasley, but
his concern for Hermione seemed to be overriding that, for now.
“The more you try to justify yourself to people like that, the more it
acknowledges that they have the
\emph on
right
\emph default
to question you.
It shows you think they get to be your inquisitor, and once you grant someone
that sort of power over you, they just push more and more.” This was one
of Draco Malfoy's lessons which Harry had thought was actually pretty smart:
people who
\emph on
tried
\emph default
to defend themselves got questioned over every little point and could never
satisfy their interrogators; but if you made it clear from the start that
you were a celebrity and above social conventions, people's minds wouldn't
bother tracking most violations.
“That's why when Ron came over to
\emph on
me
\emph default
as I was sitting down at the Ravenclaw table, and told me to stay away
from you, I held my hand out over the floor and said, `You see how high
I'm holding my hand? Your intelligence has to be at least this high to
talk to me.' Then he accused me of, quote, sucking you into the darkness,
unquote, so I pursed my lips and went
\emph on
schluuuuurp
\emph default
, and after that his mouth was still making those talking noises so I put
up a Quieting Charm.
I don't think he'll be trying his lectures on me again.”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“I understand why you did that,” Hermione said, her voice tight, “I
\emph on
wanted
\emph default
to tell him off too, but I really wish you hadn't, it will make things
harder for
\emph on
me,
\emph default
Harry!”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Harry looked up from
\emph on
Vegetable Cunning
\emph default
again, he wasn't getting any reading done at this rate; and he saw that
Hermione was still reading whatever book she had, not looking up at him.
Her hands turned another page even as he watched.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“I think you're taking the wrong approach by trying to defend yourself at
all,” Harry said.
“I really do think that.
You are who you are.
You're friends with whoever you choose.
Tell anyone who questions you to shove it.”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
Hermione just shook her head, and turned another page.
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“Option two,” Harry said.
“Go to Fred and George and tell them to have a little talk with their wayward
brother,
\emph on
those
\emph default
two are genuine good guys
\begin_inset ERT
status open
\begin_layout Plain Layout
--
\end_layout
\end_inset
”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“It's not just Ron,” Hermione said in almost a whisper.
“Lots of people are saying it, Harry.
Even Mandy is giving me worried looks when she thinks I'm not looking.
Isn't it funny? I keep worrying that Professor Quirrell is sucking
\emph on
you
\emph default
into the darkness, and now people are warning me just the same way I try
to warn you.”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“Well,
\emph on
yeah,
\emph default
” said Harry.
“Doesn't that reassure you a bit about me and Professor Quirrell?”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“In a word,” said Hermione, “no.”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
There was a silence that lasted long enough for Hermione to turn another
page, and then her voice, in a real whisper this time, “And, and Padma
is going around telling everyone that, that since I couldn't cast the P-Patronu
s Charm, I must only be p-pretending to be n-nice…”
\end_layout
\begin_layout Standard
“Padma didn't even
\emph on
try
\emph default
herself!” Harry said indignantly.
“If you
\emph on
were
\emph default
a Dark Witch who was just pretending, you wouldn't have
\emph on
tried
\emph default
in front of everyone, do they think you're
\emph on