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Whoa there!Halt! Who goes there?It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!Pull the other one!I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.What, ridden on a horse?Yes!You're using coconuts!What?You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin' 'em together.So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through Where'd you get the coconut?We found them.Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!What do you mean?Well, this is a temperate zone.The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?Not at all, they could be carried.What a swallow carrying a coconut?It could grip it by the husk!It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?Please!Am I right?I'm not interested!It could be carried by an African swallow!Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.Oh, yeah, I agree with that.Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!But then of course, uh, African swallows are non migratory.Oh, yeah.So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?No, they'd have to have it on a line.Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?Well, why not?Bring out your dead!Bring out your dead!Bring out your dead!Bring out your dead!Bring out your dead!Bring out your dead!Bring out your dead!Bring out your dead! Nine pence.Bring out your dead!Bring out your dead!Bring out your dead!Here's one.Nine pence.I'm not dead!What?Nothing. Here's your nine pence.I'm not dead!'Ere. He says he's not dead!Yes, he is.I'm not!He isn't?Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.I'm getting better!No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.I don't want to go on the cart!Oh, don't be such a baby.I can't take him.I feel fine!Well, do us a favor.I can't.Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.Well, when's your next round?Thursday.I think I'll go for a walk.You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?Ah, thanks very much.Not at all. See you on Thursday.Right. All right.Who's that, then?I dunno. Must be a king.Why?He hasn't got shit all over him.Old woman!Man!Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?I'm thirty seven.I what?I'm thirty seven. I'm not old.Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.Well, you could say 'Dennis'.Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!Well, I am King!Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?King of the who?The Britons.Who are the Britons?Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship a self perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?No one lives there.Then who is your lord?We don't have a lord.What?I told you. We're an anarcho syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,Yes.but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi weekly meetingYes, I see.by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,Be quiet!but by a two thirds majority in the case of more major Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.I am your king!Well, I didn't vote for you.You don't vote for kings.Well, how did you become King, then?The Lady of the Lake,her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.That is why I am your king!Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.Be quiet!Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!Shut up!I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!Shut up, will you? Shut up!Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.Shut up!Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!Bloody peasant!Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?Aaaagh!Aaagh!Ooh!Aagh!Oh!Ooh! Uuh.Aaaagh!Agh!, oh!, etc.Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!Umm!You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.I am Arthur, King of the Britons.I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot.You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.None shall pass.What?None shall pass.I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.Then you shall die.I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!I move for no man.So be it!Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.Now stand aside, worthy adversary.'Tis but a scratch.A scratch? Your arm's off!No, it isn't.Well, what's that, then?I've had worse.You liar!Come on, you pansy!Huyah!Hiyaah!Aaaaaaaah!Victory is mine!We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer Hah!Come on, then.What?Have at you!Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.Oh, had enough, eh?Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.Yes, I have.Look!Just a flesh wound.Look, stop that.Chicken!Chickennn!Look, I'll have your leg.Right!Right. I'll do you for that!You'll what?Come here!What are you going to do, bleed on me?I'm invincible!You're a looney.The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then.Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw.Come, Patsy.Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.Pie Iesu domine,dona eis requiem.Pie Iesu domine,dona eis requiem.A witch! A witch!A witch! A witch!A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! A witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! We've found a witch! We've found a witch! A witch! A witch! A witch!We have found a witch. May we burn her?Burn her! Burn! Burn her! Burn her!How do you know she is a witch?She looks like one.Right! Yeah! Yeah!Bring her forward.I'm not a witch. I'm not a witch.Uh, but you are dressed as one.They dressed me up like this.Augh, we didn't! We didn'tAnd this isn't my nose. It's a false one.Well?Well, we did do the nose.The nose?And the hat, but she is a witch!Yeah!We burn her! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!Did you dress her up like this?No!No. No.No.No.No.Yes.Yes.Yes. Yeah, a bit.A bit.A bit.A bit.She has got a wart.What makes you think she is a witch?Well, she turned me into a newt.A newt?I got better.Burn her anyway!Burn!Burn her! Burn! Burn her!Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.Are there?Ah?What are they?Tell us! Tell us!Do they hurt?Tell me. What do you do with witches?Burn!Burn!Burn! Burn them up! Burn!And what do you burn apart from witches?More witches!Shh!Wood!So, why do witches burn?B 'cause they're made of wood?Good! Heh heh.Oh, yeah. Oh.So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?Build a bridge out of her.Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?Oh, yeah.Oh, yeah. True. UhhDoes wood sink in water?No. No.No, it floats! It floats!Throw her into the pond!The pond! Throw her into the pond!What also floats in water?Bread!Apples!Uh, very small rocks!Cider!Uh, gra gravy!Cherries!Mud!Uh, churches! Churches!Lead! Lead!A duck!Oooh.Exactly. So, logicallyIf she weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.And therefore?A witch!A witch!A witch! A witch!Here is a duck. Use this duck.Very good. We shall use my largest scales.Ohh! Ohh! Burn the witch! Burn the witch! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Ahh! AhhRight. Remove the supports!A witch! A witch! A witch!It's a fair cop.Burn her!Burn her! Burn her! Burn her! Burn! Burn!Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?I am Arthur, King of the Britons.My liege!Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the Round Table?My liege! I would be honored.What is your name?'Bedevere', my liege.Then I dub you 'Sir Bedemere, Knight of the Round Table'.Narrative InterludeThe wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow Sir Lancelot the Brave, Sir Gallahad the Pure, and Sir Robin the not quite so brave as Sir Lancelot, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Angnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill, and the aptly named Sir Not appearing in this film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries The Knights of the Round Table.And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana shaped.This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.Oh, certainly, sir.Look, my liege!Camelot!Camelot!Camelot!It's only a model.Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot!We're Knights of the Round Table. We dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable. We dine well here in Camelot. We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.We're Knights of the Round Table. Our shows are formidable, But many times we're given rhymes That are quite unsingable. We're opera mad in Camelot. We sing from the diaphragm a lot.In war we're tough and able, Quite indefatigable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable. It's a busy life in Camelot.I have to push the pram a lot.Well, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.Right. Right.Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don't grovel!One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.Sorry.And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'I'm not worthy'.What are you doing now?!I'm averting my eyes, O Lord.Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!Yes, Lord.Right! Arthur, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.Good idea, O Lord!'Course it's a good idea! Behold!the quest for the Holy Grail.A blessing! A blessing from the Lord!God be praised!Halt!Hallo!Hallo!Allo! Who is eet?It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see.What?He says they've already got one!Are you sure he's got one?Oh, yes. It's very nice a. I told him we already got one.Well, u um, can we come up and have a look?Of course not! You are English types a!Well, what are you, then?I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king a?!What are you doing in England?Mind your own business!If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!You don't frighten us, English pig dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!What a strange person.Now look here, my good man I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!Is there someone else up there we could talk to?No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time a!Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.Fetchez la vache.Quoi?Fetchez la vache!If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall Jesus Christ!Christ!Ah! Ohh!Right! Charge!Charge!Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go.And this one's for your dad!Run away!Run away!Thppppt!Fiends! I'll tear them apart!No, no. No, no.Sir! I have a plan, sir.LaterC'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Allons y. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over hereWhat happens now?Well, now, uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I, uh, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French, uh, by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!Who leaps out?U u uh, Lancelot, Galahad, and I, uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh, and uhOhh.Oh. Um, l look, i i if we built this large wooden badger Run away!Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw hehThe Tale of Sir Robin. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot. He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin. He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways, Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken, To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!His head smashed in and his heart cut out And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off And his pen That's that's, uh that's enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.Anarcho syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.Halt!Who art thou?Shut up! Um, n n n nobody, really. I'm j j j ju just, um just passing through.What do you want?Shut up! Um, oo, a nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh j j just just to, um just to p pass through, good Sir Knight.I'm afraid not!Ah. W well, actually I I am a Knight of the Round Table.You're a Knight of the Round Table?I am.In that case, I shall have to kill you.Shall I?Oh, I don't think so.Well, what do I think?I think kill him.Oh, let's be nice to him.Oh, shut up.Perhaps I could And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!Oh, cut your own head off!Yes, do us all a favor!What?Yapping on all the time.You're lucky. You're not next to him.What do you mean?You snore!Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea.Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.Yes.Oh, not biscuits.All right. All right, not biscuits, but let's kill him anyway.Right!He buggered off.So he has. He's scarpered.No!I didn't!No!I didn't!I never did!All lies!I never!CartoonHeh heh heeh oohWayy!Ho ho. Woa, wayy!Heh heh heh heh ho! Heh heh heh!Wayy!Wayy!Oh! Oooo.he Tale of Sir Galahad.Open the door! Open the door!n the name of King Arthur, open the door!Hello!Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anthrax.The Castle Anthrax?Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?The what?The Grail. It is here.Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!Yes, O Zoot?Prepare a bed for our guest.Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.Well, look, I I, uh What is your name, handsome knight?'Sir Galahad the Chaste'.Mine is 'Zoot'. Just 'Zoot'. Oh, but come.Look, please! In God's name, show me the Grail!Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.Well, I I, uh Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!No, no. It's it's nothing.Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.Well, what seems to be the trouble?They're doctors?!Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes.B but Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practise your art.Try to relax.Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?We must examine you.There's nothing wrong with that!Please. We are doctors.Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.Back to your bed! At once!Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail!There's no grail here.I have seen it! I have seen it!I have seen Hello.Oh.Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.Zoot!No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.Oh, well, excuse me, I Where are you going?I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!Well, what is it?Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is grail shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.It's not the real Grail?Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.At least ours was better visually.Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.Get on with it.Yes, get on with it!Yes, get on with it!Oh, I am enjoying this scene.Get on with it!you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.A spanking! A spanking!You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.And spank me.And me.And me.Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!And after the spanking, the oral sex.The oral sex! The oral sex!Well, I could stay a bit longer.Sir Galahad!Oh, hello.Quick!What?Quick!Why?You are in great peril!No, he isn't.Silence, foul temptress!You know, she's got a point.Come on! We will cover your escape!Look, I'm fine!Come on!Sir Galahad!No. Look, I can tackle this lot single handed!Yes! Let him tackle us single handed!Yes! Let him tackle us single handed!No, Sir Galahad. Come on!No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.Yes. Let him handle us easily.No. Quick! Quick!Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them!Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.We haven't a chance. He will beat us easilyOh, shit.We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.I don't think I was.Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.No, it's too perilous.Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can.No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?No. It's unhealthy.I bet you're gay.No, I'm not.Narrative InterludeSir Lancelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedevere, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging Get on with it!Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling oooh!Heh, hee ha ha hee hee! Hee hee hee ha ha haAnd this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail?Ha ha ha ha! Heh, hee ha ha hee! Ha hee ha! Ha ha ha haWhere does he live?Heh heh heh hehOld man, where does he live?Hee ha ha ha. He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.And the Grail. The Grail is there?There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.But the Grail! Where is the Grail?!Seek you the Bridge of Death.The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?Heh, hee hee hee hee! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hee ha haNi!Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!Who are you?We are the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!Ni!No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Ni'!The same!Who are they?We are the keepers of the sacred words 'Ni', 'Peng', and 'Neee wom'!Neee wom!Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.The Knights Who Say 'Ni' demand a sacrifice.Knights of Ni, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.Ni!Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!We shall say 'ni' again to you if you do not appease us.Well, what is it you want?We want a shrubbery!A what?Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!Ow! Oh!Please! Please! No more! We will find you a shrubbery.You must return here with a shrubbery, or else, you will never pass through this wood alive.O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.One that looks nice.Of course.And not too expensive.Yes.Now go!CartoonHmm hmm Oh! Great Scott! Hm. Hmm.Hm! Hmm.Ohh!Ay, up! Thsss.Ayy, up!Thsss.Ayy, up!Stop that! Stop that!Ay, up!Stop that!Look on! Clear off! Go on! Go away! Go away! Go away! And you! Clear off!Hah. Bloody weather.The Tale of Sir Lancelot.One day, lad, all this will be yours!What, the curtains?No. Not the curtains, lad. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad.But Mother Father, lad. Father.B b but Father, I don't want any of that.Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad the strongest castle in these islands.But I don't want any of that. I'd rather Rather what?!I'd ratherjust sing!Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here. Now listen, lad. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.B but I don't want land.Listen, Alice, Herbert.'Erbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.But but I don't like her.Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge tracts o' land!I know, but I want the the girl that I marry to havea certain, special something!Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him.Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.Hic!No, no. Until I come and get him.Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.No, no. No. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.And you'll come and get him.Hic!Right.We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room.No, no. Leaving the room.Leaving the room. Yes.All right?Right.Hic!Right.Oh, if if if, uhh if if w ehh i if if we Yes? What is it?Oh, i if i oh Look, it's quite simple.UhYou just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?Hic!Right.Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he leave the room with us?N no, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here Until you or anyone else No, not anyone else. Just me.Just you.Hic!Get back.Get back.All right?Right. We'll stay here until you get back.Hic!And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.What?Make sure 'e doesn't leave.The Prince?Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't leave.Oh, yes, of course.Hic!Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.Is that clear?Hic!Oh, quite clear. No problems.Right. Where are you going?We're coming with you.No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't leave.Oh, I see. Right.But Father!Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!And no singing!Hic!Oh, go and get a glass of water.Well taken, Concorde!Thank you, sir! Most kind.And again! Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one! Uuh! Come on, Concorde!Message for you, sir.Concorde! Concorde! Speak to me! 'To whoever finds this note I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.' At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!Uh, I'm I'm not quite dead, sir.Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!I I I think I c I could pull through, sir.Oh, I see.Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particularIdiom, sir?Idiom!No, I feel fine, actually, sir.Farewell, sweet Concorde!I'll, um I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, sir? Yeah.'Morning!'Morning.Oooh.Ha ha! Hiyya!Hey!Hiyya!, Ha!, etc.Ha ha! Huy!Uuh! Aaah!Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha!Now, you're not allowed to enter the room aaugh!O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Lancelot of Camelot. I have come to take y Oh, I'm terribly sorry.You got my note!Uh, well, I I got, uh, a note.You've come to rescue me!Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out thereWell, I there must be someoneStop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?I'm your son!No, not you.Uh, I am Sir Lancelot, sir.He's come to rescue me, Father.Well, let's not jump to conclusions.Did you kill all those guards?Uh Oh, yes. Sorry.They cost fifty pounds each!Well, I'm awfully sorry. Um, I really can explain everything.Don't be afraid of him, Sir Lancelot. I've got a rope all ready.You killed eight wedding guests in all!Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.I can understand that.Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry!Shut up! You only killed the bride's father, that's all!Well, I really didn't mean toDidn't mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!Oh, dear. Is he all right?You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?Hurry, Sir Lancelot!Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.Very nice castle, Camelot. Uh, very good pig country.Is it?Hurry! I'm ready!Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?Well, that that's, uh, awfully nice of you,I am ready!um, I mean to be so understanding.Um,Oooh!I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.Oh, don't worry about that.Oooh!Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room.There he is!Oh, bloody hell.Ha ha ha! Hey! Ha ha!Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please!Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.He's killed the best man!Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Lancelot from the Court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today.Hello.He killed my auntie!Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.Oh! Oh, no!But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as gained a daughter!For, since the tragic death of her father He's not quite dead!Since the near fatal wounding of her father He's getting better!For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him.Uugh!Oh, he's died!And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense.And I feel sure that the merger er, the union between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Lancelot of Camelot What?Look! The dead Prince!Oooh! The dead Prince!He's not quite dead.No, I feel much better.You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!No, I was saved at the last minute.How?!Well, I'll tell you.Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it!Shut uuup!Shut up!Shut up!Not like that!Quickly, sir!Come this way!No! It's not right for my idiom!Dramatically, sir?Dramatically!Heee! Hoa!Hoo!Excuse me. Could, uh could somebody give me a push, please?Old crone!Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery?Who sent you?The Knights Who Say 'Ni'.Aggh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say we will say 'ni'.Agh! Do your worst!Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily, ni!No! Never! No shrubberies!Ni!Nu!No, no, no, no, i Nu!No, it's not that. It's 'ni'.Nu!No, no. 'Ni'. You're not doing it properly. No.Ni!Ni!That's it. That's it. You've got it.Ni!Ohh!Ni!Ni!Agh!Ni!Ni!Ni!Ni!Ni!Are you saying 'ni' to that old woman?Erm, yes.Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say 'ni' at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.Did you say 'shrubberies'?Yes. Shrubberies are my trade. I am a shrubber. My name is 'Roger the Shrubber'. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.Ni!No! No, no, no! No!O Knights of Ni, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly, but there is one small problem.What is that?We are now no longer the Knights Who Say 'Ni'.Ni! Shh!Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky ecky ecky ecky pikang zoop boing goodem zu owly zhiv'.Ni!Therefore, we must give you a test.What is this test, O Knights of knights who till recently said 'ni'?Firstly, you must find another shrubbery!Not another shrubbery!Ni!Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two level effect with a little path running down the middle.A path! A path! A path! Ni! Shh! Knights of Ni! Ni! Ni! Shh! Shh!Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with a herring!A herring!We shall do no such thing!Oh, please!Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done.Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.What word?I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?Aaaaugh!You said it again!What, 'is'?Agh! No, not 'is'.No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.My liege, it's Sir Robin!He is packing it in and packing it up And sneaking away and buggering up And chickening out and pissing off home, Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.Sir Robin!My liege! It's good to see you.Now he's said the word!Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.He said the word again!Aaaaugh!I was looking for it.Aaaaugh!Uh, here here in this forest.No, it is far from this place.Aaaaugh!Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The wordOh, stop it!we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!Patsy!Wait! I said it! I said it!Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!Aaaaugh! Narrative InterludeAnd so, Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty four. Beyond the forest, they met Lancelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing.Yay! Yay!In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's minstrels.And there was much rejoicing.Yay!A year passed.Winter changed into Spring.Mmm, nice.Spring changed into Summer.Oh. Ahh.Summer changed back into Winter,Oh?and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn.Aah.Oh! Waa!Until one dayEh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh.Knights! Forward!What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?I am an enchanter.By what name are you known?There are some who call me 'Tim'?Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.Greetings, King Arthur!You know my name?I do.You seek the Holy Grail!That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.Quite.Oh.Yes, we're we're looking for the Holy Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.Yeah. Yes. It is. It is. Yeah. Yup. Yup. Hm. Mm.And so, we're we're we're looking for it.Yes, we are.Yeah.We are. We are.We have been for some time.Ages.Umhm.Uh uh, so, uh, anything that you could do to, uh to help would be very helpful.Look, can you tell us where Fine. Um, I don't want to waste any more of your time, but, uh, I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um find a, uh a, um a, uh A what?A g a a g a g a a g A grail?!Yes. I think so.Y y yes.Yes.Yup.That's itYes!Oh.Oh. Thank you.Ahh.Oh. Fine.Thank you.Splendid.AahLook, um, you're a busy man, uh Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.Oh, thank you. OhTo the north there lies a cave the cave of Caerbannog wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rhegedmake plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.Where could we find this cave, O Tim?Follow. But! Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth.What an eccentric performance.They're nervous, sire.Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis mount!Behold the cave of Caerbannog!Right! Keep me covered.What with?W just keep me covered.Too late!What?There he is!Where?There!What, behind the rabbit?It is the rabbit.You silly sod!What?You got us all worked up!Well, that's no ordinary rabbit!Ohh.That's the most foul, cruel, and bad tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!Get stuffed!He'll do you up a treat, mate.Oh, yeah?You mangy Scots git!I'm warning you!What's he do, nibble your bum?He's got huge, sharp eh he can leap about look at the bones!Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!Look!Aaaugh!Jesus Christ!I warned you!I done it again!I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them Oh, shut up!Do they listen to me?Right!Oh, noCharge!Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.Run away! Run away!Run away! Run away!Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!Right. How many did we lose?Gawain.Ector.And Bors. That's five.Three, sir.Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That rabbit's dynamite.Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.Like what?Well ooh.Have we got bows?No.We have the Holy Hand Grenade.Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!How does it, um how does it work?I know not, my liege.Consult the Book of Armaments!Armaments, chapter two, verses nine to twenty one.And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this Thy hand grenade that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu Skip a bit, Brother.And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'Amen.Amen.Right! One! Two! Five!Three, sir!Three!There! Look!What does it say?What language is that?Brother Maynard! You are a scholar.It's Aramaic!Of course! Joseph of Arimathea!'Course!What does it say?It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaarrrrggh'.What?'The Castle of aaarrrrggh'.What is that?He must have died while carving it.Oh, come on!Well, that's what it says.Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aarrggh'. He'd just say it!Well, that's what's carved in the rock!Perhaps he was dictating.Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?No. Just 'aaarrrrggh'.Aaaauugggh.Aarrrggh.Do you suppose he meant the Camaaaaaargue?Where's that?France, I think.Isn't there a 'Saint Aaauuves' in Cornwall?No, that's 'Saint Ives'.Oh, yes. Saint Iiiiives.Iiiiives.Oooohoohohooo!No, no. 'Aaaauugggh', at the back of the throat. Aaauugh.N no. No, no, no, no. 'Oooooooh', in surprise and alarm.Oh, you mean sort of a 'aaaah'!Yes, but I aaaaaah!Oooh!My God!It's the legendary Black Beast of Aaarrrrggh!That's it! That's it!Run away!Run away!Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!Keep running!Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!We've lost him.Aagh!As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack.Ulk!The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for Holy Grail could continue.There it is!The Bridge of Death!Oh, great.Look! There's the old man from scene twenty four!What is he doing here?He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions Three questions.Three questions. He who answers the five questions Three questions.Three questions may cross in safety.What if you get a question wrong?Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.Oh, I won't go.Who's going to answer the questions?Sir Robin!Yes?Brave Sir Robin, you go.Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Lancelot go?Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single handed. I shall make a feint to the north east that s No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions Three questions.Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch and pray.I understand, my liege.Good luck, brave Sir Lancelot. God be with you.Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid.What is your name?My name is 'Sir Lancelot of Camelot'.What is your quest?To seek the Holy Grail.What is your favorite color?Blue.Right. Off you go.Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.That's easy!Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see.Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid.What is your name?'Sir Robin of Camelot'.What is your quest?To seek the Holy Grail.What is the capital of Assyria?I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!Stop! What is your name?'Sir Galahad of Camelot'.What is your quest?I seek the Grail.What is your favorite color?Blue. No, yel auuuuuuuugh!Hee hee heh. Stop! What is your name?It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons.What is your quest?To seek the Holy Grail.What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?What do you mean? An African or European swallow?Huh? I I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh!How do know so much about swallows?Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.Lancelot! Lancelot! Lancelot!Lancelot! Lancelot!Lancelot!Lancelot!Lancelot! Lancelot!The Castle Arrrggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy Jesus Christ!Allo, dappy English k niggets and Monsieur Arthur King, who has the brain of a duck, you know. So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God Himself has guided us!How you English say, 'I one more time, mac, unclog my nose in your direction', sons of a window dresser! So, you think you could out clever us French folk with your silly knees bent running about advancing behavior?! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters.In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!No chance, English bed wetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing, you tiny brained wipers of other people's bottoms!If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!In the name of God and the glory of our Agh. Right! That settles it!Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha haaa ha!Walk away. Just ignore them.And now, remain gone, illegitimate faced bugger folk! And, if you think you got a nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy English k nnniggets! Thpppt!We shall attack at once!Yes, my liege!Stand by for attack!French persons!Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God,Hoo hoo! Ohh, ha ha ha ha ha!we shall not stop our fight till each one of you lies dead and the Holy Grail returns to those whom God has chosen!Ha ha ha!Charge!Hooray!Yes, they're the ones. I'm sure.Come on. Anybody armed must go, too.All right. Come on. Back.Get that one.Back. Right away.Yes.Just pull it off. Come on. Come along.Put this man in the van.Clear off. Come on.With whom?Which one?Oh this one.Come on. Put him in the van.Get a blanket.We have no hospital.Ahh.Ooh.Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!Run along! Run along!Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.Everything?All right, sonny. That's enough. Just pack that in.Christ!FISH #1 Graham Chapman FISH #2 John Cleese FISH #3 Eric Idle FISH #4 Terry Gilliam FISH #5 Michael Palin FISH #6 Terry Jones BALD MAN George Silver SINGER Eric Idle MRS. MOORE Valerie Whittington DOCTOR SPENSER John Cleese OBSTETRICIAN Graham Chapman NURSE #1 Judy Loe NURSE #2 Imogen Bickford Smith MR. MOORE Eric Idle MR. PYCROFT Michael Palin DAD Michael Palin MUM Terry Jones BRIDE Jennifer Franks PRIEST Terry Jones GROOM Andrew Maclachlan MR. HARRY BLACKITT Graham Chapman MRS. BLACKITT Eric Idle NARRATOR #1 Michael Palin MARTIN LUTHER Terry Jones MAMIE MEYER Graham Chapman HYMIE MEYER Michael Palin HUMPHREY WILLIAMS John Cleese CHAPLAIN Michael Palin WATSON Eric Idle CARTER Michael Palin WYMER Graham Chapman BIGGS Terry Jones HELEN WILLIAMS Patricia Quinn STURRIDGE John Cleese SPADGER Michael Palin BLACKITT Eric Idle WALTERS Terry Gilliam HORDERN Graham Chapman GENERAL Graham Chapman SERGEANT MAJOR Michael Palin COLES Graham Chapman ATKINSON Eric Idle WYCLIF Andrew Maclachlan NARRATOR #2 Graham Chapman AINSWORTH John Cleese PAKENHAM WALSH Michael Palin FIRST LIEUTENANT CHADWICK Simon Jones PERKINS Eric Idle DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE Graham Chapman SERGEANT Terry Jones VICTIM #2 Andrew Maclachlan POTTER'S HEAD Mark Holmes VICTIM #3 Eric Idle FRONT END Eric Idle REAR END Michael Palin ZULU ANNOUNCER Terry Gilliam LADY PRESENTER Michael Palin STRANGE MAN Terry Jones STRANGE WOMAN Graham Chapman TROLL Mark Holmes MRS. HENDY Eric Idle MR. MARVIN HENDY Michael Palin M'LADY JOELINE Terry Gilliam WAITER John Cleese MR. BROWN Terry Gilliam ERIC Graham Chapman MAN John Cleese MRS. BROWN Terry Jones YOUNG MAN Peter Lovstrom MAN IN PINK Eric Idle CHAIRMAN Graham Chapman HARRY Michael Palin BERT Terry Jones GUNTHER Eric Idle NOËL COWARD Eric Idle MAÎTRE D John Cleese MAX'S WIFE Angela Mann MAX Mark Holmes GUEST #2 Andrew Maclachlan MR. CREOSOTE Terry Jones GASTON Eric Idle GUEST #4 Graham Chapman GUEST #4'S WIFE Carol Cleveland MARIA Terry Jones GOVERNOR Michael Palin PADRE Michael Palin ARTHUR JARRETT Graham Chapman LEAF #1 Terry Jones GRIM REAPER John Cleese GEOFFREY Graham Chapman ANGELA Eric Idle DEBBIE KATZENBERG Michael Palin HOWARD KATZENBERG Terry Gilliam FIONA PORTLAND SMYTHE Terry Jones JEREMY PORTLAND SMYTHE Simon Jones RECEPTIONIST Carol Cleveland TONY BENNETT Graham ChapmanMorning.Morning.Morning.Morning.Morning.Morning.Morning.Morning.Morning.What's new?Not much.Morning.Morning.Hello.Morning.Morning.Morning.Morning.Morning.Morning.Morning.Frank was just asking 'what's new?'.Was he?Yeah, mhmm.Hey, look. Howard's being eaten.Is he? Makes you think, doesn't it?Mmm.I mean, what's it all about?Beats me.Part One The Miracle of Birth.One thousand and eight!Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor!Good. Take her into the Foetus Frightening Room.Bumm, bumm, bumm, bumm, bum So, it's a bit bare in here today, isn't it?Yes.Yes. More apparatus, please, nurse the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.Yes. Certainly, Doctor.And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'.Yeahhh, that's more like it.Eehhh. Still something missing, though.Hm?Patient!Yes.Where's the patient?Anyone seen the patient?Patient?Aah! Here she is.Sorry, Doctor Spenser.Come along!Come along.Jump up there. Up!Ehh.Hallo. Now, don't you worry.We'll soon have you cured.Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you.Good bye!Good bye.Drips up!Injections!Can I put the tube in the baby's head?Only if I can do the epesiotomy.Okay.Okay. Uh, legs up! Doctor, come in. Come on in, all of you. That's it. Jolly good.Come along.Come along. Spread 'round there. Uh, who are you?I'm the husband.I'm sorry. Only people involved are allowed in here. All right.What do I do?Mhm. Yes?What do I do?Nothing, dear. You're not qualified!Leave it to us!What's that for?And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital!Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.Aren't you lucky?!The administrator is here, doctor.Morning, gentlemen.Morning.Morning, gentlemen.Morning!Morning, Mr. Pycroft.Morning, Mr. Pycroft.It's a birth.Aahh. What sort of thing is that?Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.Ooh, the vulva's dilating, doctor.Oh, yes, there's the head. Yes, four centimetres. Five Six centimetres.Lights!Masks up!Suction!Eyes down for a full house!Here it comes!And the rough towels!Show it to the mother. That's enough.Right! Sedate her!Number the child.Jolly good.Jolly good.Is it a boy or a girl?The Miracle of Birth Part Two The Third World.Ohh, get that, would you, Deirdre?All right, Mum.Now, whose teatime is it?Mine!Come on, now. Out you go. Now, uh, Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas, Walter, Pat, Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique, and Sasha, it's your bedtime.Aww, Mum!Now, don't argue! Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon, Amanda, Wait! I've got something to tell the whole family.Oh, quick. Go and get the others in, Gordon.What could it be? ShhhThe mill's closed! There's no more work. We're destitute.Come in, my little loves. I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific experiments.No, no. That's the way it is, my loves. Blame the Catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things. Oh, they've done some wonderful things in their time. They preserved the might and majesty, the mystery of the Church of Rome, and the sanctity of the sacraments, the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd let me wear one of those little rubber things on the end of my cock, we wouldn't be in the mess we are now.Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing religion in the world, my boy.Ehhh, he's right.Mine!And mine!And mine!So, you see my problem, little ones I can't keep you all here any longer.Speak up!I can't keep you all here any longer! God has blessed us so much, I can't afford to feed you anymore.Couldn't you have your balls cut off?Hohh, it's not as simple as that, Nigel. God knows all! He'd see through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him.You could have had them pulled off in an accident.No. No, children. I know you're trying to help, but, believe me,Ohhme mind's made up. I've given this long and careful thought, and it has to be medical experiments for the lot of you.Ohh. Oh. OhLook at them, bloody Catholics, filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.What are we dear?Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.Hmm. Well, why do they have so many children?Because every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to have a baby.But it's the same with us, Harry.What do you mean?Well, I mean, we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice.That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted.Really?Oh, yes, and, what's more, because we don't believe in all that Papist claptrap, we can take precautions.What, you mean lock the door?No, no. I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church, which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid sixteenth century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.What d'you mean?I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you,Oh, yes, Harry.and, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller, I could insure that, when I came off, you would not be impregnated.Ooh!You what?French Ticklers. Black Mambos. Crocodile Ribs. Sheaths that are designed not only to protect, but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.Have you got one?Have I got one? Uh, well, no, but I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high and say in a loud, steady voice, 'Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.'Well, why don't you?But they Well, they cannot, 'cause their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages and the domination of alien episcopal supremacy.The Adventures of Martin Luther, an exciting and controversial examination of the Protestant reformer whose re assessment of the role of the individual in Christian belief shook the foundations of a post feudal Germany in the grip of the sixteenth century. It was a day much like any other in the quiet little town of Wittenberg. Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal when the full force of the Reformation struck.Mamie! Martin Luther's out!Ohh! Martin Luther! Mmh.Huhh.Did you get the suet, Hymie?Oy veh! The suet I clean forgot. Look out; here he comes!Girls! Girls!MmhmYour father forgot the suet!Ooohhhh.Ohh.Hello, Martin.H How Where's the john?Uh, we don't have one.Hhh! Do you need any cleaning inside?Oh, no. Today it's all going fine.Ahhh. Oh, well, uh, how's about showing me the cutlery?Martin, I got a woman and children in there.So! There's no problem. I just look at a few spoons, uh Well, I got two girls in there, Martin. You know what I mean.You just want to see the spoons?My life! That's what I want to see!I know I'm going to regret this.Mhhm.Shh!Mamie! Guess who's come to see us?Hymie! Are you out of your mind, already?! You know how old your daughters are!He He only wants to see the spoons!Well Well, what do you have to bring him into my house for?Mamie, he doesn't think about girls any more.Uh, Mrs. Meyer, as far as girls is concerned, I shot my wad.You shot your wad?Definitely!Which spoons do you want to view?Oh, I guess the soup spoons.Now they're good spoons!You got 'em arranged?No, but I could arrange them for you.Oh, don't put yourself to no bother, Mrs. Meyer.It's no bother. I want for you to see these spoons like I would want to see them myself.Hymie! Get him out of here!Mamie! Mamie! He only said for Audrey and Myrtle to show him the spoons.Like you think I'm running some kind of bordello here?!Mrs. Meyer, how can you say such a thing?Listen, Martin Luther! I know what you want to do with my girls.Show me the spoons, ehh?You want for them to pull up their skirtsand then lean over a chair with their legs apart.Mamie, don't get excited.I'm getting excited?! It's him that's getting excited!My mind is on the spoons!But you can't stop thinking of those little girls over the chairs!Oh, oh, I got to go to the bathroom.Hymie, I'm a married woman!So! Just show him the spoons!And you don't want to put nothing up me?Yes, another convert for the Protestants. But despite Luther's efforts to promote the idea of sex for pleasure, children multiplied everywhere.The Meaning of Life Part Two Growth and Learning.And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour, and so, the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath, by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash Bil Bethuel Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson.Let us praise God. O Lord,O Lord,ooh, You are so big,ooh, You are so big,so absolutely huge.so absolutely huge.Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You.Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, andAnd barefaced flattery.But You are so strong and, well, just so super.Fantastic.Amen.Amen.He's coming!Sir?Yes, Wymer?My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend, sir, but I'm not having my hair cut today, sir.So, do I move my clothes down, or Nnnno, sir.No, sir.No, sir.No.NoNo.Mmmm. Yeah. YeahYes.Yes, sir.Yes, sir.Ahh, well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is, Biggs.Uhm Don't know. Sorry, sir.Carter.Ah. Uhh, was it taking your clothes off, sir?Well, and and after that?Ooh. Putting them on the lower peg, sir?The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate, so that the penis can penetrate more easily.Could we have a window open, please, sir?Oh, sir.Oh, sir.Oh, sirSo, just listen. Now, did I or did I not do vaginal juices?Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.R rubbing the clitoris, sir?What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.Suck the nipple, sir?Good! Good. Well done, Wymer.Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?Oh, sir. Biting the neck.Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.Oh, sorry, sir. Sorry.Humphrey, I hope you don't mind, but I told the Garfields we would dine with them tonight.Yes. Yes, well, I suppose we must.And I said we'd be there by eight.Well, at least it'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting.Well, I know you don't like them, but I couldn't make another excuse.Well, it's just that I felt n Wymer! This is for your benefit. Would you kindly wake up? I've no intention of going through this all again.Ahhh.Uhh, we'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind, dear.No, of course not, Humphrey.So, the man starts by entering or mounting his good lady wife in the standard way. Uh, the penis is now, as you will observe, more or less, fully erect. There we are. Ah, that's better. Now, Carter.Yes, sir?What is it?It's an ocarina, sir.excitement mounts, uh, What's funny, Biggs?Uh, Oh, nothing, sir.Oh, do please share your little joke with the rest of us. I mean, obviously something frightfully funny's going on.No. Honestly, sir.Ohh! Aaaahh!Well done. Okay.Ohh! Uuhh!Right, sir.Oh, hang on a tick, sir.Yeah.You'll never make it, sir. Let us come with you.Do as you're told, man.Yes, well,Yeah.No. No, me and the lads realize this, sir, but, well,Ehh.we may never meet again, sir, so, I Yes, all all all right, Blackitt. Thanks a lot.No, eh, just a moment, sir.Duck.Ahh.Ah. Hhh.All right, sir.but Hang on a tick, sir. We got something else for you as well, sir.Aah.Uh.I I think we'd better get to cover now,Oh, sir, and Corp and I'll thank you properly later on.Uhh. Ehh.Corporal Sturridge got this for you as well, sir. He didn't know about the others, sir. It's Swiss.Thank you all.Hooray!Hip hip Hooray!Hooray!Blackitt! Blackitt!I I'll be all right, sir. Oh, there's just one other thing, sir. Spadge, give him the cheque.Oh, yeah. Uhh.Oh, now, this is really going too far.Oh. I don't seem to be able to find it, sir. Uhh, it'll be in be in Number Four Trench. I'll go and get it.Don't mind me, Spadge. Toffs is all the same. One minute it's all 'please' and 'thank you', and the next, they'll kick you in the teeth!Yeah.Let's not give him the cake.I don't want any cake.Look. Blackitt cooked it specially for you, you bastard!Yeah, he saved his rations for six weeks, sir.Sorry. I didn't mean to be ungrateful.Yeah.Oh, my Christ!You bastard.Yes, sir. How many plates?Six.Uh.Agh.Oh. Better make it five.Tablecloth, sir?Aaghh! Uh.Ohh. Aahh! And the little mats, sir?Yes!Right o.All right, while you're at it, you'd better get a doily!I'll bring two, sir, in case one gets scrumpled.Don't stand there gawping like you've never seen the Hand of God before! Now, today, we're going to do marching up and down the square! That is, unless any of you got anything better to do. Well?! Anyone got anything they'd rather be doing than marching up and down the square?! Yes?! Atkinson. What would you rather be doing, Atkinson?Well, to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd rather be at home with the wife and kids.Would you, now?!Yes, Sarge.Right! Off you go! Now, everybody else happy with my little plan of marching up and down the square a bit?Sarge!Yes?!I've got a book I'd quite like to read.Right! You go read your book, then! Now! Everybody else quite content to join in with my little scheme of marching up and down the square?!Sarge?Yes, Wyclif?! What is it?!Well, I'm, uh, learning the piano.Learning the piano?!Yes, Sarge.And I suppose you want to go and practice, eh? Marching up and down the square not good enough for you, eh?!Well, Right! Off you go!Oh.Now! What about the rest of you? Rather be at the pictures, I suppose.Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ooh, yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Right.All right! Off you go!Oh. Ooh. Great. That's great. What a day. I want to see the Merle Oberon picture. Eh hehheh.Bloody army! I don't know what it's coming to. Right! Sergeant Major, marching up and down the square. Left, right, left. LeftDemocracy and humanitarianism have always been trademarks of the British ArmyRubbish!'Scuse me.Morning, Ainsworth.Morning, Pakenham.Sleep well?Not bad. Bit to shreds, though. Must be a hole in the bloody mosquito net.Excuse me, sir.Yes, Chadwick?I'm afraid Perkins got rather badly bitten during the night.Well, so did we. Huh.Yes, but I do think doctor ought to see him.Well, go and fetch him, then.Right you are, sir.Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham?Yes, I suppose so.Careful!Ah! Morning, Perkins.Morning, sir.What's, uh, what's all the trouble, then?Bitten, sir. During the night.Hmm. Whole leg gone, eh?Yes.How does it feel?Stings a bit.Mmm. Well, it would, wouldn't it? That's, uh, quite a bite you've got there, you know.Yes, a real beauty, isn't it?Any idea how it happened?None whatsoever. Complete mystery to me. Woke up just now, one sock too many.You must have a hell of a hole in your net.Hmm. Well, we've sent for the doctor.Ohh, hardly worth it, isn't it?Oh, yes. Better safe than sorry.Yes. Good Lord, look at this.By jove, that's enormous!You don't think it'll come back, do you?For more, you mean?Yes.You're right. We'd better get this stitched.Right.Ah, hello, doc.Morning! I came as fast as I could. Is, uhh, is something up?Yes. Uh, during the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of off. Mm?Ahh. Been in the wars, have we?Mhm.Yes.Ehh. Any headache? Bowels all right? Mm. Well, let's have a look at this one leg of yours, then, eh? Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.Oh, good.Yes, there's a lot of it about. Probably a virus. Uh, keep warm, plenty of rest, and if you're playing football or anything, try and favor the other leg.Oh.Mhm.Right o.Be as right as rain in a couple of days.Oh. Thanks for the reassurance, doc.Not at all. That's what I'm here for. Any other problems I can reassure you about?No, I'm fine.Jolly good. Well, must be off. M hmm.So, it'll, ehh, it'll just grow back again, then, will it?Uhh, I think I'd better come clean with you about this. It's, um, it's not a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we doctors call very, very small. So small, it could not possibly have made off with a whole leg. What we're looking for here is, I think, And this is no more than an educated guess. I'd like to make that clear. Is some multi cellular life form with stripes, huge razor sharp teeth, about eleven foot long, and of the genus Felis Horribilis what we doctors, in fact, call a 'tiger'.A tiger?!A tiger in Africa?Hm?A tiger in Africa?!W Ah, well, it, uh, it has probably escaped from a zoo. Mhm.Doesn't sound very likely to me.Stumm. Stumm. Stumm.Sir!Stumm.Sir! Sir! Sir! The attack's over, sir! The Zulus are retreating!Oh, jolly good. Mhm.Quite a lot of casualties, though, sir.M hmm.'C' Division wiped out.Yes.Signals gone.Yes.Thirty men killed in 'F' Section.Yes. I see. Mm.I should think about a hundred hundred and fifty men altogether, sir.I haven't got the final figures, sir, but there's a lot of seriouslyYes.wounded in the compound.Yes. Well, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of a problem here. One of the officers has lost a leg.Oh, no, sir!I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger.In Africa?Stumm.Stumm. Stumm. Stumm. The M.O. says we can stitch it back on if we can find it immediately.Right, sir! I'll organise a party right away, sir.Well, it's hardly the time for that, is it Sergeant?Look. A a search party.Oh! Oh! Ah! Ahh! Much better idea! Mhmm.Oh, sorry about the mess, sir. We'll try and get it cleared up by the time you get back.We showed 'em, didn't we, sir?Yes.Here, we've got a search party. Leave that alone.This is fun, sir, isn't it? All this killing, bloodshed Bloody good fun, sir, isn't it?Yes. Very good.Morning, sir!Agh.Nasty wound you've got there, Potter.Thank you very much, sir!Aghh.Aahh.Come on, Private. We're making up a search party.Better than staying at home, isn't this, sir? Eh? I mean, at home, if you kill someone, they arrest you. Here, they give you a gun and show you what to do, sir.Ooh.Hah, mhm mhm mhm.Sorry, sir.Thank you, Sergeant Major.Mm hm.Uhh. Uh, don't shoot. Don't shoot. We're not a tiger. W Uhh, we were jus s st, um, Why are you dressed as a tiger?Hm? Oh, 'why'! 'Why'! 'Why'! Haahh, isn't it a lovely day today?Answer the question.Oh, we were just, um, Well, uhh, actually, we're we're dressed like this because, uh, Oh. No, that's not it.Uh, we did it for a lark. Part of a spree. High spirits, you know. Simple as that. Hm.Nothing more to it. Hah.Ha ha.Well, actually, we're on a mission for British Intelligence. Th th there's a pro Tsarist Ashanti Chief, uh, No, no. No. No, no.Uh, no. No, no, no. No. No. No.No. No, no, no, no. No. No, we're doing it for an advertisement.Ah, that's it.Mhm.Uhh, forget about the Russians.Mhm.Uh, we're we're doing an advert for 'Tiger' brand coffee.'Tiger' brand coffee is a real treat. Even tigers prefer a cup of it to real meat. Mm.Now look.All right. All right. We are dressed as a tiger because he had an auntie who did it in eighteen thirty nine, and this is the fiftieth anniversary.No. We're doing it for a bet.God told us to do it.To tell the truth, we are completely mad.We are we are inmates of a Bengali psychiatric institution and we escaped by making this skin out of old, used cereal packets.Mhm.It doesn't matter!What?It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger. Have they got my leg?Good thinking! Well, have you?Actually,Yes?it's because we were thinking of training as taxidermists and we want to get the feel of it from the animal's point of view.Be quiet. Now look. We're just asking you if you've got this man's leg.A wooden leg?No, no. A proper leg! Look. He was fast asleep, and someone or something came in and removed it.Without waking him up?Yes.I don't believe you.We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo. The owner wanted it taken down to Dar Es Salaam Shut up! Now look. Have you or have you not got his leg?Yes.No.No.No, no, no.No. No, no, no.No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.No, no, no. No. No. No. No.Why did you say 'yes'?I didn't.I'm not talking to you.Uum. Uum. Hmmhh.Right! Search the thicket.Oh, come on. I mean, do we look like the sort of chaps who'd creep into a camp at night, steal into someone's tent, anaesthetise them, tissue type them, amputate a leg, and run away with it?Search the thicket.Hmhm. As usual.Hello. Good evening, and welcome to 'The Middle of the Film'.Hello, and welcome to 'The Middle of the Film', the moment where we take a break to invite you, the audience, to join us, the film makers, in 'Find the Fish'. We're going to show you a scene from another film and ask you to guess where the fish is, but, if you think you know, don't keep it to yourselves! Yell out so that all the cinema can hear you. So, here we are with 'Find the Fish'.I wonder where that fish has gone.You did love it so. You looked after it like a son.And it went wherever I did go.Is it in the cupboard?Yes! Yes! No!Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish.And it went wherever I did go.It's behind the sofa!Where can that fish be?Have you thought of the drawers in the bureau?!Shh!It is a most elusive fish!And it went wherever I did go.Ooooh, fishy, fishy, fishy fish!A fish, a fish, a fish, a fishy, ooooh.Ooooh, fishy, fishy, fishy fish!That went wherever I did go.Look up his trunk!That was terrific!Great!Wonderful.Yeah!Yeah.Best bit so far.Fantastic!Yeah.Yes! Really great!Very piscine.Ha ha hah.Yeah. Hee, hee, hee, hee.Oh!Ahh.They haven't said much about the meaning of life so far, have they?Well, it's been building up to it.Has it?Has it?Yeah, I expect they'll get on to it now.Personally, I very much doubt if they're going to say anything about the meaning of life at all.Oh, come on. They've got to say something.They're bound to.Yeah.Yeah.What do you think the next bit will be, then?Caption, I expect.What? About the next stage of life, you mean? Oh, yeah. Here we go.Middle Age.Oh. Could've guessed it.Oh, that's much better. Thank you, honey.You're welcome.Mmmm. It was all sort of misty before.M hmm.That's fine.Hi! How are you?Oh, we're just fine!What kind of food 'd you like to eat this evening?Well, we sort of like pineapples.Pineapple. Mmm.Yeah, we love pineapple.Mmm.Yeah, anything with pineapple in it is great for us.Mm. Well, how about the Dungeon Room?Oh, look.Ohh, that sounds fine!Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food served in an authentic, medieval English dungeon atmosphere.Ohh?Hmm m mm mm mmmm mm mm mmmm. Isn't this nice? Ha hah. Why not? Good shot. Real Kodak. Oh! Thank you. Thank you very much. Hm mm mmmm. Dah dahAaaaaaaaaaah!dah dah dah dah daah. Daah.Hm.Huhh huh mm. Mmm.Hmm hmm.H mmm.Hmm.Mmm.Good evening! Uhh, would you care for something to talk about?Oh, that would be wonderful.Our special tonight is minorities!Ohh, that sounds real interesting.Um, what's this conversation here?Uh, that's, uh, 'football'. There you can talk about the Steelers Bears game this Saturday, or you could, uh, reminisce about really great World Series.No, no, no, no.What is this one here?Uhh, that's 'philosophy'.Is that a sport?Aah, no, it's more of an attempt to, uh, construct a viable hypothesis to, uh, explain the meaning of life.What was that?What's he say?What was that?!Shush.Eh?Oh, that sounds wonderful. Would you like to talk about the meaning of life, darling?Sure. Why not?Philosophy for two?Right.Room?Two five nine.Two five nine.Yup. Uhh, uh, h how do we Oh, uhh, you folks want me to start you off?Oh, really, we'd appreciate that.Okay!Yeah.Well, ehh,Mhmm.look. Have you ever wondered just why you're here?Well, we went to Miami last year and California the year before that, and we've No, no, no. I mean, uh, w why we're here on this planet.Hmmm. No.Right! Aaah, you ever wanted to know what it's all about?Nope.No. No.Right o! Aah, well, uh, see, throughout history,M hmm.there have been certain men and women who have tried to find the solution to the mysteries of existence,G reat.and we call these guys 'philosophers'!Ohh.And that's what we're talking about.Right!Yeah.Ohh, that's neat!Well, you look like you're getting the idea, so why don't I give you these, uh, conversation cards? They'll tell you a little about philosophical method,Oh.names of famous philosophers, Uh, there you are. Uhh, have a nice conversation!Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.He's cute.Yeah, real Yeah.Real understanding. Mmm.Oh! I never knew Schopenhauer was a philosopher!Oh, yeah! He's the one that begins with an 'S'.Oh.Umm, like, uh, 'Nietzsche'.Does 'Nietzsche' begin with an 'S'?Uh, there's an 's' in 'Nietzsche'.Oh, wow. Yes, there is. Do all philosophers have an 's' in them?Uh, yeah! I think most of 'em do.Oh. Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?Yeah! Right! She could be! She sings about the meaning of life.Yeah. That's right, but I don't think she writes her own material.No. Oh, maybe Schopenhauer writes her material.No. Burt Bacharach writes it.But there's no 's' in 'Burt Bacharach'.Or in 'Hal David'.Who's Hal David?He writes the lyrics. Burt just writes the tunes, only now, he's married to Carole Bayer Sager.Oh, waiter. This conversation isn't very good.Oh, I'm sorry, sir! Uhh, we do have one today that's not on the menu. It's sort of a specialty of the house, you know.Oh, yes.'Live Organ Transplants'.'Live Organ Transplants'? What's that?Yes?Hello. Uhh, can we have your liver?My what?Your liver. It's a large, ehh, glandular organ in your abdomen.You know, it's, uh, it's reddish brown. It's sort of, uhh, Yeah, y y yeah, I know what it is, but I'm using it, eh.Come on, sir.Hey! Hey! Stop!Don't muck us about.Stop! Hey! Hey! Stop it. Hey!Hallo.Ge get off.What's this, then? Mmh.A liver donor's card.Need we say more?No!Listen! I can't give it to you now. It says, 'in the event of death'. Uh. Oh! Ah. Ah. Eh.No one who has ever had their liver taken out by us has survived.Agh.Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute.Zip it up.'Ere. What's going on?Uh, he's donating his liver, madam.Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?That's right, madam.Typical of him!He goes down to the public library, he sees a few signs up, comes home all full of good intentions.He gives blood. He does cold research. All that sort of thing.Oh.Ehh.What do you, uh, what do you do with them all, anyway?They all go to saving lives, madam.Mmm. That's what he used to say. 'It's all for the good of the country' he used to say.Do you think it's all for the good of the country?Hm?Do you think it's all for the good of the country?Well, I wouldn't know about that, madam. We're just, uh, doing our jobs, you know.You're not doctors, then?Oh. Blimey no.Mum. Dad. I'm off out now. I'll see you about seven.Right o, son. Look after yourself.Oh. Now.M hmm.Do you, um,Carry on.fancy a cup of tea?Oh, well, that would be very nice.Oh.Thank you.Thank you very much, madam.Thank you.Oh, eh, I thought she'd never ask.You know it.Uhh, you do realize, uh, he has to be, uh, well, dead, by the terms of the card, uh, before he donates his liver.Well, I told him that, but he never listens to me. Silly man!I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime.Not at all. You're a very attractive woman.Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again.Sure?Can we have your liver, then?Oh. No, I'd be scared.Yeah. All right. You talked me into it.Which brings us once again to the urgent realization of just how much there is still left to own. Item six on the agenda the meaning of life. Now, uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.What was that about hats, again?Oh, uh, people aren't wearing enough.Is this true?Certainly. Hat sales have increased, but not pari passu, as our research initially But when you say 'enough', enough for what purpose?Ohh.My God!Good Lord! The Crimson Permanent Assurance!Oh, what a frightfully witty song.Terribly clever.Jolly good.Oh, shit! It's Mr. Creosote.Ah, good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?Better.Better?Better get a bucket. I'm going to throw up.I haven't finished.Oh! Pardon. Gaston! A thousand pardons, monsieur.Now, zis afternoon, we have monsieur's favorite ze jugged hare. Ze hare is very high, and ze sauce is very rich with truffles, anchovies, Grand Marnier, bacon, and cream. Thank you, Gaston.There's still more.Oh.Uh, today we have, uh, for appetizers Excuse me. Mhmm. Uh, moules marinières, pâté de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireaux that's leek tart, frogs' legs amandine, or oeufs de caille Richard Shepherd c'est à dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of puréed mushroom. It's very delicate. Very subtle.I'll have the lot.A wise choice, monsieur. And now, how would you like it served? All, uh, mixed up togezer in a bucket?Yeah, with the eggs on top.But of course, avec les oeufs frites.Yeah, and don't skimp on the pâté.Oh, monsieur, I assure you, just because it is mixed up wis all ze other things, we would not dream of giving you less than ze full amount. In fact, I will personally make sure you have a double helping. Maintenant quelque chose à boire. Something to drink, monsieur?Yeah, I'll have six bottles of Château Latour Forty fiveForty five.and a double Jeroboam of champagne.Bon, and the usual brown ales?Yeah. No, wait a minute. I think I can only manage six crates today.Shut up!No, the food was excellent.Perhaps you're not happy with the service?No, no. No complaints.It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period.Hmm.Mm mm.And we have a train to catch.Ah.Oh. Yes. Yes, of course. We have a train to catch, and I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats. Ha, hm hm hm.Madam?Perhaps we should be going.Oh.Oh, Max. Really!And finally, monsieur, a wafer thin mint.Nah.Oh, sir, it's only a tiny, little, thin one.No. Fuck off. I'm full.Oh, sir. Hmm?It's only wafer thin.Look. I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.Oh, sir, just just one.Just the one, monsieur. Voilà.Bon appétit.Thank you, sir, and now, here's ze check.The Meaning of Life Part Six B The Meaning of Life.M hm hmm. You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder if we'll ever discover the meaning of it all working in a place like this.Oh, I've worked in worse places, philosophically speaking.Really, Maria?Yes. I used to work in the Académie Française, but it didn't do me any good at all, A and I once worked in the library in the Prado in Madrid, but it didn't teach me nothing, I recall, And the Library of Congress you'd have thought would hold some key, But it didn't, and neither did the Bodleian Library. In the British Museum I hoped to find some clue. I worked there from nine till six, read every volume through, But it didn't teach me nothing about life's mystery. I just kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see, Till, eventually, me eyes went and me arthritis got bad, And so now I'm cleaning up in here, but I can't be really sad, 'Cause, you see, I feel that life's a game. You sometimes win or lose, And though I may be down right now, at least I don't work for Jews.Ah! I was saying that Uh, allo?Come on.Ah, allo? Allo?Don't come following me!This man is about to die. In a few moments, now, he will be killed, for Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal who has been allowed to choose the manner of his own execution.There.There he is!Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.No.Mummy?Mum, where are you?Mum? Daddy?Mumm mummy?I am the Grim Reaper.Who?The Grim Reaper.Yes, I see.I am death.Yes, well, the thing is, we've got some people from America for dinner tonight, and Who is it, darling?It's a 'Mr. Death' or something. He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any at the moment.Hello. Well, don't leave him hanging around outside, darling. Ask him in.Darling, I don't think it's quite the moment.Do come in. Come along in. Come and have a drink. Do. Come on.It's one of the little men from the village.Uh, do come in.Please.This is Howard Katzenberg from PhiladelphiaHi.and his wife, Debbie,Hello there.and these are the Portland Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.Good evening.Uh, yes.Mmm.Mr. Death is a reaper.The Grim Reaper.Hardly surprising, in this weather. Ha ha ha.So, you still, uh, reap around here, do you, Mr. Death?I am the Grim Reaper.That's about all he says.Heh.There's your drink, Mr. Death.Do sit down.Ohh. Would you prefer white? I I'm afraid we don't have any beer.The Stilton's awfully good.Good Lord.I am death.Well, isn't that extraordinary? We were just talking about death only five minutes ago.Yes, we were.Mmm. Mm.You know, whether death is really the end.As my husband, uh, Howard, here, feels, or whether there is and one so hates to use words like 'soul' or 'spirit', but But what other words can one use?E exactly.You do not understand.Ah, no. Obviously not.Let me just tell you something, Mr. Death.You do n Just one moment. I'd like to express, on behalf of everybody here, what a really unique experience this is.Hear, hear.Yes, we're so delighted, uh, that you dropped in, Mr. Death.Can I just finish, please?Mr. Death, is there an after life?Dear, if you could just wait, please, a moment, Are you sure you wouldn't like some sherry?Angela. Angela, I'd like to just say this at this time, if I could, please. Really.Be quiet!Can I just say this at this time, please?Silence! I have come for you.You mean to Take you away. That is my purpose. I am death.Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say 'let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this'. Well, you're dead now, so shut up!Dead?Dead.All of us?All of you.Be quiet! Englishmen, you're all so fucking pompous, and none of you have got any balls.Can I ask you a question?What?The salmon mousse.Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.Just testing. Sorry.Well, the fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon, and he's normally so reliable.Stumm. Stumm.Can we keep our glasses?Mmm hmm.Come on.Okay.Hey, I didn't even eat the mousse.Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed. It really is embarrassing. I mean,to serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death for me.Well, all right.Uh, shall we take our cars?Do we need them?Why not?Yes. Why not?Good idea.Yes. Why not?I love it here, darling.Me too, Marvin.Hello. Welcome to Heaven. Excuse me, could you just sign here, please, sir?Yes.Thank you! There's a table for you through there in the restaurant.Thank you.For the ladies,Thank you.Happy Christmas!Oh, is it Christmas today?Of course, madam. It's Christmas every day in Heaven.Ohh.Mmm.How about that?Hello there.Ah.I love sheep.So do I. Terrific animals. Terrific.No trouble.No, no trouble.Except at shearing. They can play up a bit, then; can't they?Oh, yeah, but I like that sort of little burst of frenzy they have then, you know. I like it when they get a little bit angry. Shows they're human.Oh, yeah. I I I'm not saying I dislike them at shearing, you know, but they can be a bit of a handful; can't they?Well, so would you be if you had a great pair of scissors snippin' away while someone held your back legs apart.Hm.You'd wiggle a bit. You'd kick up a bit of a fuss. Heh.Yeah, I I'm not saying I just expect them to stand around in the fields and nibble the grass and look a bit pretty. I I'm not saying that.Oh, but they are pretty; aren't they?Yeah.Oh, yeah.I mean, look at that one over there against the sky. The white of the coat, the little black face against the twinkling stars beyond.Yes. Aww. Terrific.Mhm.Terrific animals.Mm.The little lambs in springtime.Oh.Ahh.The lambs, eh? Now you're talking. They're lovely, eh? I love them.Oh, so do I, Morris. I love them more than anything. Little white furry bundles.Mhmm.I think, of all God's creatures, sheep have the best offspring.Oh, yes. Terrific animals.Mm.Terrific.Yeah. They're so sure footed.Hm.And quick witted.Are they quick witted?Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they're quite, uh, quick witted.Mhm.Always cheerful. Hmm.Well, except at shearing. Hehhehheh.Why are you always on about shearing?I'm not always on about it, Morris.You are a great deflator, you are.He was Of all the moments in their little lives, you unerringly put your finger on the one moment where they lose a little bit of dignity. Well, I regard that as cheap, quite honestly.Morris, don't get me wrong. I actually like their behavior at shearing. I actually like them when they get a little bit cross. I find that endearing.That's the fantastic thing. They're beautiful to look at, well disposed, quite quick witted, and yet, tough as nails.You know, I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch sheep.Mmm.The only other animals that I would be remotely interested in watching would be cats.They don't have flocks of cats.No, I I'm not saying they do, Morris.Can you imagine a herds of cats waiting to be sheared? Meow! Meow! Woo hoo hoo.Shh! Shh. I heard something over there.Wolves?Could be.Where?Over there.Right.Take that, you buggers!Oowhh.That's not a wolf.S Gordon Bennett!I thought he was a wolf.You hit him right in the face!Well, he shouldn't come snooping 'round like that.You wait till you hear what we've just seen! The most incredible things just happened!Don't tell 'em. Owhh.We were on the hillside over there when this amazing Don't tell them! They broke my bloody nose!Can't I tell them about the amazing th No! Oohh.Well, they said we were to tell everybody!Not people who break your bloody nose! Come on.Where are you going?Bethlehem.Nowhere! Good night. Uhh.That's right! Leave your sheep! Leave them to the wolves! Call yourselves shepherds?! You're a disgrace to the profession!Huh. What a rotten thing to do,Yeah.to go and leave those little helpless furry bundles alone on the hillside.So they can go down to Bethlehem and get drunk.Is it A.D. yet?Quarter past.Ahem.Ohhh!Who are you?We are three wise men.What?!We are three wise men.Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.We are astrologers.We have come from the East.Is this some kind of joke?We wish to praise the infant.We must pay homage to him.Homage? You're all drunk. It's disgusting. Out! The lot, out!No Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on. Out!No, no. We must see him.Go and praise someone else's brat! Go on!We We were led by a star.Or led by a bottle, more like. Go on. Out!Well well, we must see him. We have brought presents.Out!Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh.Well, why didn't you say? He's over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh, anyway?It is a valuable balm.A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him.What?That's a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the trough.No, it isn't.Yes, it is. It's great, big mmmNo, no, no. It is an ointment.Aww, there is an animal called a balm, or did I dream it? So, you're astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?Hmm?What star sign is he?Uh, Capricorn.Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?Ooh, but he is the son of God, our Messiah.King of the Jews.And that's Capricorn, is it?Uh, no, no, no. That's just him.By what name are you calling him?Uh, 'Brian'.We worship you, O Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.Do you do a lot of this, then?What?This praising.No, no. No, no.Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you! Good bye! Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.Look at that. Hoo hoo hoo.Here! Here! Here, that that's mine! Hee. Hey, you just gave me that! Oh.CartoonHow blest are those who know their need of God. How blest are the sorrowful. They shall find consolation. How blest are those of gentle spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession. How blest are those who hunger and thirst to see right prevail.They shall be satisfied. How blest are those whose hearts are pure. They shall see GodSpeak up!Shh.Quiet, Mum.How blest are those of gentleWell, I can't hear a thing.spirit. They shall have the earth for their possession.Let's go t' the stoning.How blest are thoseShh.who hunger and thirstYou can go to a stoning any time.to see rightOh, come on, Brian.prevail.Will you be quiet?!How blest are they who have suffered muchDon't pick your nose.I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching.You was picking it, while you was talking to that lady.I wasn't!Leave it alone. Give it a rest.Do you mind? I can't hear a word he's saying.Don't you 'do you mind' me. I was talking to my husband.Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing.Don't you swear at my wife.I was only asking her to shut up, so I can hear what he's saying, Big Nose.Don't you call my husband 'Big Nose'!Well, he has got a big nose.Could you be quiet, please?They shall have the earthWhat was that?for their possession. How blest are thoseI don't know. I was too busy talking to Big Nose.who hunger and thirst to seeI think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'right prevail.Ahh, what's so special about the cheesemakers?Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.How blest are those whoHey. Say that once more; I'll smash your bloody face in.Ohh.Better keep listening. Might be a bit about 'Blessed are the big noses.'Oh, lay off him.Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conkface. Where are you two from? Nose City?One more time, mate; I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!Language!hunger and thirst to seeAnd don't pick your nose.right prevail.I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was going to thump him!You hear that? Blessed are the Greek.The Greek?Mmm. Well, apparently, he's going to inherit the earth.Did anyone catch his name?You're not going to thump anybody.I'll thump him if he calls me 'Big Nose' again.Oh, shut up, Big Nose.Ah! All right. I warned you. I really will slug you so hard Oh, it's the meek! Blessed are the meek! Oh, that's nice, isn't it? I'm glad they're getting something, 'cause they have a hell of a time.Listen. I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide across your face by the time I've finished with you!Shhh.Well, who hit yours, then? Goliath's big brother?Oh. Right. That's your last warning.Oh, do pipe down.Oh!Oh!Awa?Silly bitch. Get in the way on me?Ow!Break it up oh. Oh!Oh, come on. Let's go to the stoning.All right.Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo, as far as I can tell, Reg.Yeah. Well, what Jesus blatantly fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem.Yes, yes. Absolutely, Reg. Yes, I see.Oh, come on, Brian, or they'll have stoned him before we get there.All right.Hey. Get off her. That's disgusting. Stop trying to do that. Hey, officer, intervene here. Attempted rape going on. It's the chap with the big nose's fault. He started it all.What?Ohh, I hate wearing these beards.Why aren't women allowed go to stonings, Mum?It's written. That's why.Pssst! Beard, madam?Oh, look. I haven't got time to go to no stonings. He's not well again.Stones, sir?Naah. They've got a lot there, lying around on the ground.Oh, not like these, sir. Look at this. Feel the quality of that. That's craftsmanship, sir.Hmmm. Aah, all right. We'll have, uh, two with points and a big flat one.Could I have a flat one, Mum?Shh!Sorry. Dad.Ehh, all right. Two points, ah, two flats, and a packet of gravel.Packet of gravel. Should be a good one this afternoon.Hehh?Local boy.Oh, good.Enjoy yourselves.Matthias, son of Deuteronomy of Gath,Do I say 'yes'?Yes.Yes.you have been found guilty by the elders of the town of uttering the name of our Lord, and so, as a blasphemer,Ooooh!you are to be stoned to death.Ahh!Look. I I'd had a lovely supper, and all I said to my wife was, 'That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.'Oooooh!Blasphemy! He's said it again!Yes! Yes, he did! He did!Did you hear him?!Yes! Yes, we did! We did!Really!Are there any women here today?No. No. No. NoVery well. By virtue of the authority vested in me Oww! Lay off! We haven't started yet!Come on! Who threw that? Who threw that stone? Come on.She did! She did! He did! He! He. He. Him. Him. Him. Him. He did.Sorry. I thought we'd started.Go to the back.Oh, dear.Always one, isn't there? Now, where were we?Look. I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying 'Jehovah'.Oooh! He said it again! Oooh!You're only making it worse for yourself!Making it worse?! How could it be worse?! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!Oooooh!I'm warning you. If you say Jehovah once moreRight. Who threw that?Come on. Who threw that?She did! It was her! He! He. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him. Him.Was it you?Yes.Right!Well, you did say 'Jehovah'.Ah! Ooooh!Stop! Stop, will you?! Stop that! Stop it! Now, look! No one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle! Do you understand?! Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear, even if they do say 'Jehovah'.Ooooooh!Good shot!Have I got a big nose, Mum?Oh, stop thinking about sex.I wasn't.You're always on about it morning, noon, and night. 'Will the girls like this?' 'Will the girls like that?' 'Is it too big?' 'Is it too small?'I was just wondering if you thought my nose was Get your filthy little mind off it! You're forty years old, now. You should have grown out of all that.I'm only just getting interested in it, Mum.It's time you got interested in a job, my lad.Spare a shekel.God bless you, sir.Alms for a leper.Alms for a leper.Alms for an ex leper. Bloody donkey owners. All the same, aren't they? Never have any change. Oh, here's a touch. Spare a talent for an old ex leper.Buzz off!Spare a talent for an old ex leper.A talent? That's more than he earns in a month.Half a talent, then.No, go away!Come on, Big Nose. Let's haggle.What?All right. Cut the haggling. Say you open at one shekel. I start at two thousand. We close about eighteen hundred.No.Seventeen fifty?Go away!Seventeen forty.Look. Will you leave him alone?All right. Two shekels. Just two. Isn't this fun, eh?Look. He's not giving you any money, so piss off!All right, sir. My final offer half a shekel for an old ex leper.Did you say 'ex leper'?That's right, sir. Sixteen years behind the bell, and proud of it, sir.Well, what happened?I was cured, sir.Cured?Yes, sir, a bloody miracle, sir. God bless you.Who cured you?Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business. All of a sudden, up he comes. Cures me. One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by your leave. 'You're cured mate.' Bloody do gooder.Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?Ah, yeah. I could do that, sir. Yeah. Yeah, I could do that, I suppose. What I was thinking was, I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the arse, to be blunt. Excuse my French, sir, but, uh Brian! Come and clean your room out.There you are.Thank you, sir. Thanks Half a denary for me bloody life story?There's no pleasing some people.That's just what Jesus said, sir.Oh.Good afternoon.Oh, ah. Hello, officer. Ehh. I'll be with you in a few moments. All right, dear?What's he doing here?Now, don't start that Brian, and go and clean your room out.Bloody Romans.Now, look, Brian. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this, and don't you forget it.We don't owe the Romans anything, Mum.Well, that's not entirely true, is it Brian?What do you mean?Well, you know you were asking me about your, uhMy nose?Yes. Well, there's a reason it's like it is, Brian.What is it?Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, butWhat?Well, Brian, your father isn't Mr. Cohen.I never thought he was.Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army.You mean you were raped?Well, at first, yes.Who was it?Heh. Nortius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, House by the Forum. Slaves. Asses' milk. As much gold as I could eat. Then, he, having his way with me had voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct.The bastard!Yeah. So, next time you go on about the 'bloody Romans', don't forget you're one of them.I'm not a Roman, Mum, and I never will be! I'm a Kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook nose! I'm Kosher, Mum! I'm a Red Sea Pedestrian, and proud of it!Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That's all they think about, huh? Well, how are you, then, officer?Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby crusher, and Boris Mineburg.Want someThank you, fellows.Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguars' earlobes. Wolf nipple chips. Get 'em while they're hot. They're lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar. Tuscany fried bats.I do feel, Reg, that any Anti Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power base.Agreed. Francis?Yeah. I think Judith's point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man Or woman.Or woman to rid himself Or herself.Or herself.Agreed.Thank you, brother.Or sister.Or sister. Where was I?I think you'd finished.Oh. Right.Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man Or woman.Why don't you shut up about women, Stan. You're putting us off.Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.Why are you always on about women, Stan?I want to be one.What?I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.What?!It's my right as a man.Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?I want to have babies.You want to have babies?!It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.But you can't have babies.Don't you oppress me.I'm not oppressing you, Stan. You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!Here! I I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the right to have babies.Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.What's the point?What?What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.Symbolic of his struggle against reality.Get out there.It's, um Get out there.It's dangerous out there. Ah ah. Ah! Oh.Ooh.Aaah. OhhWhat a load of rubbish.Larks' tongues. Otters' noses. Ocelot spleens.Got any nuts?I haven't got any nuts. Sorry. I've got wrens' livers, badgers' spleens No, no, no.Otters' noses?I don't want any of that Roman rubbish.Why don't you sell proper food?Proper food?Yeah, not those rich imperialist tit bits.Well, don't blame me. I didn't ask to sell this stuff.All right. Bag of otters' noses, then.Make it two.Two.Thanks, Reg.Are you the Judean People's Front?Fuck off!What?Judean People's Front. We're the People's Front of Judea! Judean People's Front. Cawk.Wankers.Can I join your group?No. Piss off.I didn't want to sell this stuff. It's only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.Shhhh. Shhhh. Shhh. Shh. Shhhh.Stumm.Are you sure?Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.Listen. If you wanted to join the P.F.J., you'd have to really hate the Romans.I do!Oh, yeah? How much?A lot!Right. You're in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.YeahSplitters.SplittersAnd the Judean Popular People's Front.Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. SplittersAnd the People's Front of Judea.Yeah. Splitters. SplittersWhat?The People's Front of Judea. Splitters.We're the People's Front of Judea!Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.People's Front! C huh.Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?He's over there.Splitter!Absolutely dreadful. Hmm.Yes, brother! Ha ha. What's your name?Brian. Brian Cohen.We may have a little job for you, Brian.What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'?It it says, 'Romans, go home'.No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on!Aah!Come on!'R Romanus'?Goes like?'Annus'?Vocative plural of 'annus' is?Eh. 'Anni'?'Romani'. 'Eunt'? What is 'eunt'?'Go'. Let Conjugate the verb 'to go'.Uh. 'Ire'. Uh, 'eo'. 'Is'. 'It'. 'Imus'. 'Itis'. 'Eunt'.So 'eunt' is?Ah, huh, third person plural, uh, present indicative. Uh, 'they go'.But 'Romans, go home' is an order, so you must use the?The imperative!Which is?Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, 'i'. 'I'!How many Romans?Ah! 'I' Plural. Plural. 'Ite'. 'Ite'.'Ite'.Ah. Eh.'Domus'?Eh.Nominative?Oh.'Go home'? This is motion towards. Isn't it, boy?Ah. Ah, dative, sir! Ahh! No, not dative! Not the dative, sir! No! Ah! Oh, the accusative! Accusative! Ah! 'Domum', sir! 'Ad domum'! Ah! Oooh! Ah!Except that 'domus' takes the?The locative, sir!Which is?!'Domum'.'Domum'.Aaah! Ah.'Um'. Understand?Yes, sir.Now, write it out a hundred times.Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm!Finished!Right. Now don't do it again.Hey! Bloody Romans.We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?What exactly are the demands?We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.Cut her head off?Cut all her bits off. Send 'em back on the hour every hour. Show them we're not to be trifled with.Also, we're demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of the Emperor Julius Caesar with his dock hangin' out.What? They'll never agree to that, Reg.That's just a bar a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we chop her up, and that we shall not submit to blackmail!No blackmail!They've bled us white, the bastards. They've taken everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers' fathers.And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.Yeah.And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers.Yeah. All right, Stan. Don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?!The aqueduct?What?The aqueduct.Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that's true. Yeah.And the sanitation.Oh, yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city used to be like?Yeah. All right. I'll grant you the aqueduct and the sanitation are two things that the Romans have done.And the roads.Well, yeah. Obviously the roads. I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But apart from the sanitation, the aqueduct, and the roads Irrigation.Medicine.Huh? Heh? HuhEducation.OhhYeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.And the wine.Oh, yes. YeahYeah. Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left. Huh.Public baths.And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it. They're the only ones who could in a place like this.Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.All right, but apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, a fresh water system, and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?Brought peace.Oh. Peace? Shut up!I am a poor man. My sight is poor. My legs are old and bent, and It's all right, Matthias.It's all clear.Well, where's Reg?Oh, Reg. Reg, it's Judith.What went wrong?The first blow has been struck!Did he finish the slogan?A hundred times, in letters ten foot high, all the way around the palace!Oh, great. Great. We we need doers in our movement, Brian, but, before you join us, know this. There is not one of us here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.Uhh. Well, one.Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's one, but otherwise, we're solid. Are you with us?Yes!From now on, you shall be called 'Brian that is called Brian'. Tell him about the raid on Pilate's palace, Francis.Right. This is the planNow, this is the palace in Caesar's Square. Our commando unit will approach from Fish Street, under cover of night, and make our way to the northwestern main drain. If questioned, we are sewage workers on our way to a conference. Reg, our glorious leader and founder of the P.F.J., will be coordinating consultant at the drain head, though he himself will not be taking part in any terrorist action, as he has a bad back.Aren't you going to come with us?Solidarity, brother.Oh, yes. Solidarity, Reg.Once in the sewer, timing will be of the essence. There is a Roman feast later in the evening, so we must move fast, and don't wear your best sandals. Turning left here, we enter the Caesar Augustus memorial sewer and from there, proceed directly to the hypocaust. This has just been re tiled, so terrorists, careful with those weapons. We will now be directly beneath Pilate's audience chamber itself. This is the moment for Habbakuk to get out his prong.Shhh! Shh. Shhh. Shh.Campaign for Free Galilee.Oh. Uh, People's Front of Judea. Officials.Oh.What's your group doing here?We're going to kidnap Pilate's wife, take her back, issue demands.So are we.What?That's our plan!We were here first!What do you mean?!We thought of it first!Oh, yeah?Yes, a couple of years ago!Ha. Heh. Ha ha.We did!Okay, c co come on. You got all your demands worked out, then?'Course we have.What are they?Well, I'm not telling you.AghhhOh, come on. Pull the other one.Shh!That's not the point! We thought of it before you!Did not.We did!You didn't.We bloody did!Shhhh!Shhhhh! Shh.You bastards! We've been planning this for months.Well, tough titty for you, Fish Face. Oh! Oh.All right.Clever. You slyBrothers! Brothers! We should be struggling together!We are! Ohh.We mustn't fight each other! Surely we should be united against the common enemy!The Judean People's Front?!No, no! The Romans!Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.Yeah. He's right. Let's go in, get her out, and we can argue afterwards.All right.Yeah.Promise.Yeah.Solidarity!Solidarity.Solidarity.Ahh.Let's go get her.Oh. Oh! Oh! Ohhh! Aaahh! Waahh! OohI got her. I got her. Quick. I got her! I I Uhm. She got me. Help! She got me. She g Shh. Shh. Shhh! ShhGet the door! The door! Get the door! Good, I got Ahh.Shit!You stupid Waaahh!Agh.Aahh.I don't believe it.You stupid bastard.Look out!Careful.Right! Where were we?Uhh, you were going to punch me.Oh, yeah.Brothers!Oof!Huo!Hoo hoo hoo! Oh!Eh.Aah! Eh.You lucky bastard.Who's that?You lucky, lucky bastard.What?Proper little jailer's pet, aren't we?What do you mean?You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!Ohh! What wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.Well, it's not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles!Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out o' your arse, sonny.Oh, lay off me. I've had a hard time!You've had a hard time?! I've been here five years! They only hung me the right way up yesterday! So, don't you come 'rou All right. All right.They must think you're Lord God Almighty.What will they do to me?Oh, you'll probably get away with crucifixion.Crucifixion?!Yeah, first offence.Get away with crucifixion?! It's Best thing the Romans ever did for us.What?!Oh, yeah. If we didn't have crucifixion, this country would be in a right bloody mess.Guards!Nail him up, I say!Guards!Nail some sense into him!I want you to move me to another cell.Aah!Oh, look at that! Bloody favoritism!Shut up, you!Sorry!Now, take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard as very fair, in view of what I done, and, if nothing else, it's taught me to respect the Romans, and it's taught me that you'll never get anywhere in this life, unless you're prepared to do a fair day's work for a fair day's pay!Oh, shut up!Ehhh.Pilate wants to see you!Me?Come on!Pilate? What does he want to see me for?I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified.Oh, ha ha ha haa! Ha haa! Nice one, Centurion. Like it. Like it.Shut up!Right. Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.Make one large living awea. Ahh.Hail Caesar.Hail.Only one survivor, sir.Ah. Thwow him to the floor.What, sir?Thwow him to the floor.Ah.Aagh!Hmm. Now, what is your name, Jew?'Brian', sir.'Bwian', eh?No, no. 'Brian'.Aah!Hoo hoo hoo ho. The little wascal has spiwit.Has what, sir?Spiwit.Yes. He did, sir.No, no. Spiwit, siw. Um, bwavado. A touch of dewwing do.Oh. Ahh, about eleven, sir.So, you dare to waid us.To what, sir?Stwike him, Centuwion, vewy woughly!Aaah!Oh, and, uh, throw him to the floor, sir?What?Thwow him to the floor again, sir?Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floor, please.Aah!Now, Jewish wapscallion.I'm not Jewish. I'm a Roman.A Woman?No, no. Roman.Aah!So, your father was a Woman. Who was he?He was a centurion in the Jerusalem Garrisons.Weally? What was his name?'Nortius Maximus'.Ahh, ha ha!Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?Well, no, sir.Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir, like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or 'Biggus Dickus', sir.What's so funny about 'Biggus Dickus'?Well, it's a joke name, sir.I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behavior like that.Can I go now, sir?Aaah! Eh.Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this.Wight! Take him away!Oh, sir, he he only No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.Yes, sir. Come on, you.Ha ha haa ha, ha ha ha. Hooo hooo hoo hoo. Hoo hooI will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. Anybody else feel like a little giggle when I mention my fwiend BiggusDickus?What about you? Do you find it wisible when I say the name 'Biggus''Dickus'?He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called 'Incontinentia'. 'Incontinentia Buttocks'.Stop! What is all this?Ha, ha ha ha ha haI've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behavior. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!Hmm? Oh.Aaaaaaah!Aggz.Rozak kaibak.Agk! Grohtch. Ak!Ooh, you lucky bastard.And the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there'll be a great rubbing of parts. YeeahFor the demon shall bear a nine bladed sword. Nine bladed! Not two or five or seven, but nine, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he willObadiah, his servants. There shall, in that time, be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that, in that time, shall the third oneHow much? Quick.What?It's for the wife.Oh. Uhhh, twenty shekels.Right.What?There you are.Wait a minute.What?Well, we're we're supposed to haggle.No, no. I've got to get What do you mean, 'no, no, no'?I haven't time. I've got Well, give it back, then.No, no, no. I just paid you.Burt!Yeah?This bloke won't haggle.Won't haggle?!All right. Do we have to?Now, look. I want twenty for that.I I just gave you twenty.Now, are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?No.Look at it. Feel the quality. That's none of your goat.All right. I'll give you nineteen then.No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly.What?Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen.Well, you just said it was worth twenty.Ohh, dear. Ohh, dear. Come on. Haggle.Huh. All right. I'll give you ten.That's more like it. Ten?! Are you trying to insult me?! Me, with a poor dying grandmother?! Ten?!All right. I'll give you eleven.Now you're gettin' it. Eleven?! Did I hear you right?! Eleven?! This cost me twelve. You want to ruin me?!Seventeen?No, no, no, no. Seventeen.Eighteen?No, no. You go to fourteen now.All right. I'll give you fourteen.Fourteen?! Are you joking?!That's what you told me to say.Ohh, dear.Ohh, tell me what to say. Please!Offer me fourteen.I'll give you fourteen.He's offering me fourteen for this!Fifteen!Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.Sixteen.Done. Nice to do business with you.Huh.Tell you what. I'll throw you in this as well.I don't want it, but thanks.Burt!Yeah?All right! All right. All right.Now, where's the sixteen you owe me?I just gave you twenty.Oh, yeah. That's right. That's four I owe you, then.Well, that's all right. That's fine. That's fine.No. Hang on. I've got it here somewhere.That's all right. That's four for the gourd.Four? For this gourd? Four?! Look at it. It's worth ten if it's worth a shekel.But you just gave it to me for nothing.Yes, but it's worth ten!All right. All right.Daniel.Daniel.Job.Job.Job.Joshua.Joshua.Joshua.Judges.Judges.Judges.And Brian.And Brian.And Brian.I now propose that all seven of these ex brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause.I second that, Reg.Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings!Let us not be down hearted. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning! Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in a Look out!Hello? Matthias! Reg!Go away!Hm? Reg, it's me, Brian!Get off! Get off out of it!Stan!Piss off.Yeah, piss off!Bugger off.Ohh,shit!Uhh.Coming!Yea, verily, at that time, it is written in the book of Obadiah. A man shall strike his donkey and his nephew's donkey and anyonein the vicinityof his nephew or the donkey.My eyes are dim. I cannot see.Are you Matthias?Yes.We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organisation, the 'People's Front of Judea'.Me? No. I'm just a poor old man. I have no time for law breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent.Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house.You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal?No.Crucifixion.Oh.Nasty, eh?Hm. Could be worse.What do you mean, 'could be worse'?Well, you could be stabbed.Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours! It's a slow, horrible death!Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.You're weird.No, sir. Couldn't find anything, sir.But don't worry! You've not seen the last of us, weirdo.Big Nose.Watch it.Phew, that was lucky.I'm sorry, Reg.Ohhh, it's all right, siblings. He's sorry. He's sorry he led the Fifth Legion straight to our official headquarters. Well, that's all right, then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. You klutz! You stupid, bird brained, flat headed this great, big, juicy melon behind.My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled. Yes?There's one place we didn't look. Guards!I'm just a poor old man.My eyesight is bad. My eyes are poor. My nose is knackered.Have you ever seen anyone crucified?Crucifixion's a doddle.Don't keep saying that.Found this spoon, sir.Well done, Sergeant! We'll be back, oddball.Open up!You haven't given us time to hide.Aaaaah!The nephew or the donkey.Wha! Woooah!And, a nine bladed sword, which he shall strikeTime when we all come together, and goAnd holes for theJumbo jetsevery bitch how you got germs fromfly up near theDon't you, eh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself.What?I said, 'Don't pass judgment on other people, or else you might get judged, too.'Who, me?Yes.Oh. Ooh. Thank you very much.Well, not just you. All of you.That's a nice gourd.What?How much do you want for the gourd?I don't. You can have it.Have it?Yes. Consider the liliesEh, d d don't you want to haggle?No. in the field.What's wrong with it, then?Nothing. Take it.Consider the lilies?Uh, well, the birds, then.What birds?Any birds.Why?Well, have they got jobs?Who?The birds.Have the birds got jobs?!What's the matter with him?He says the birds are scrounging.Oh, uhh, no, the point is the birds. They do all right. Don't they?Well, good luck to 'em.Yeah. They're very pretty.Okay, and you're much more important than they are, right? So, what are you worrying about? There you are. See?I'm worrying about what you have got against birds.I haven't got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies.He's having a go at the flowers now.Oh, give the flowers a chance.I'll give you one for it.It's yours.Two, then.Ohh. Look. There was this man, and he had two servants.What were they called?What?What were their names?I don't know. And he gave them some talents.You don't know?!Well, it doesn't matter!He doesn't know what they were called!Oh, they were called 'Simon' and 'Adrian'. Now Oh! You saidOhh.you didn't know!It really doesn't matter. The point is there were these two servants He's making it up as he goes along.No, I'm not! And he gave them some ta Wait a minute. Were there three?Ohh.Oh, he's terrible!He's terrible.There were three.Thpppt!They were they were st stewards, really.Aww, get off!Ooh! Eh, uh, b b now now hear this! Blessed are theyThree.who convert their neighbor's ox, for they shall inhibit their girth,Rubbish!and to them only shall be given to them only shall be givenWhat?Hmm?Shall be given what?Oh, nothing.Ahh.Hey! What were you going to say?Nothing.Yes, you were.Yes. You were going to say something.No, I wasn't. I'd finished.Oh, no you weren't.Oh, come on. Tell us before you go.I wasn't going to say anything. I'd finished.No, you hadn't.What won't he tell?He won't say.Is it a secret?No.Is it?Must be. Otherwise, he'd tell us.Oh, tell us the secret.Leave me alone.What is this secret?Is it the secret of eternal life?He won't say!Well, of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn't say.No.Leave me alone.Just tell me, please.No. Tell us, Master. We were here first.Five.Ah!Just tell Go away!Tell us, Master.I can't go above five.Tell Is that His gourd?We've got this here.Yeah, but it's under offer.This is His gourd!Ten!It is His gourd! We will carry it for you, Master! Master?He's gone! He's been taken up!Hhhh!For He's been taken up!Eighteen!No, there He is. Over there.Oh, yeah. Master! Master!Look! Ah! Oh! Oh!He has given us a sign!Oh!He has given us His shoe!The shoe is the sign. Let us follow His example.What?Let us, like Him, hold up one shoe and let the other be upon our foot, for this is His sign, that all who follow Him shall do likewise.Yes.No, no, no. The shoe isNo.a sign that we must gather shoes together in abundance.Cast offAye. What?the shoes! Follow the Gourd!No! Let us gather shoes together!Yes.Let me!Oh, get off!No, no! It is a sign that, like Him, we must think not of the things of the body, but of the face and head!Give me your shoe!Get off!Follow the Gourd! The Holy Gourd of Jerusalem!The Gourd!Hold up the sandal, as He has commanded us!It is a shoe! It is a shoe!It's a sandal!No, it isn't!Cast it away!Put it on!And clear off!Take the shoes and follow Him!Come,Yes!all ye who call yourself Gourdenes!Stop! Stop! Stop, I say! Stop! Let us let us pray. Yea, He cometh to us, like the seed to the grain.Master! Master! Look! Master! Master!Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river?Mmmmmmm.Please! Please help me! I've got to get Mm.Oh, my foot! Oh!Shhhh.Oh, damn, damn, damn!Well, I'm sorry. Shhh.Oh, damn, damn, and blast it!I'm sorry. Shhhh!Don't you 'shhhh' me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you 'shhhh' me!What?I've kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips.Oh, please. Could you be quiet for another five minutes?Oh, it doesn't matter now. I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last eighteen years I've wanted to shout and sing andShhhh.scream my name out! Oh, I'm alive!Shhh.Hava Nagila!Shhh.Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I'm alive! I'm alive! Hello birds! Hello trees! I'm alive! Get off. I'm alive! Hava Nagila. Hava n'ra n' Master! The Master! Master! Master!The Master! Aha. He is here!Master!The Gourd has led usThe shoe has led us to Him!The shoe!The shoe has brought us!Speak!Shhhhh!Speak to us, Master! Speak to us!Go away!A blessing! A blessing!How shall we go away, Master?!Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!Give us a sign!He has given us a sign! He has brought us to this place!I didn't bring you here! You just followed me!Oh, it's still a good sign by any standard.Master! Your people have walked many miles to be with You! They are weary and have not eaten.It's not my fault they haven't eaten!There is no food in this high mountain!Well, what about the juniper bushes over there?Hhhh!Heh! A miracle! A miracle! Ohh!He has made the bush fruitful by His words.They have brought forth juniper berries.Of course they've brought forth juniper berries! They're juniper bushes! What do you expect?!Show us another miracle!Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?!I say, those are my juniper bushes.They are a gift from God!They're all I've bloody got to eat. Uhm. I say, get off those bushes! Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. Go on.Lord! I am affected by a bald patch.I am healed! The Master has healed me!I didn't touch him!I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh!A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!Tell them to stop it. I hadn't said a word for eighteen years till he came along.Hhh!A miracle! He is the Messiah!Well, he hurt my foot!Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt my foot. Hurt mineHail Messiah!I'm not the Messiah!I say You are, Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.Hail Messiah!I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!He is! He is the Messiah!Now, fuck off!How shall we fuck off, O Lord?Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody foot. You break my vow of silence, and then you try and clean up on my juniper bushes!Oh, lay off!This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!No, he's not.Aaaagh!An unbeliever!An unbeliever!Persecute! Kill the heretic!Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please!Brian?Judith?Look! There He is! The Chosen One has woken!Brian!Huuh. Hooh. Ooh! Mother. Ooh. Ha Brian!Hang on, mother! Shhh.Hello, mother.Don't you 'hello mother' me. What are all those people doing out there?!Oh. Well well, I, uh Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?!Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for something.'Popped by'?! 'Swarmed by', more like! There's a multitude out there!Mm, they they started following me yesterday.Well, they can stop following you right now. Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!The who?The Messiah!Huh, there's no Messiah in here. There's a mess, all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away!Brian! Brian!Right, my lad. What have you been up to?Nothing, Mum. Um Come on. Out with it.Well, they think I'm the Messiah, Mum.Now, what have you been telling them?Nothing! I only You're only making it worse for yourself.Look! I can explain! I No! Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!Who Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give them hope hope of a new life, a new world, a better future!Who's that?!Oh! That's Judith, Mum. Judith. Mother. Hmm.Aaaah!The Messiah! The Messiah!Ooooh.Show us the Messiah! The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!Now, you listen here! He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, go away!Who are you?!I'm his mother. That's who.Behold His mother! Behold His mother! Hail to thee, mother of Brian! Blessed art thou, Hosanna! All praise to thee, now and always!Well Now, don't think you can get around me like that. He's not coming out, and that's my final word. Now, shove off!No!Did you hear what I said?Yes!Oh, I see. It it's like that, is it?Yes!Ohh. Oh, all right, then. You can see him for one minute, but not one second more. Do you understand?Yes.Promise?Well, all right.All right. Here he is, then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them.But, Mum. Judith.Now, leave that Welsh tart alone.But I don't really want to, Mum.Brian! Brian! Brian!Good morning.A blessing! A blessing! A blessing!No. No, please! Please! Please listen. I've got one or two things to say.Tell us. Tell us both of them.Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals!Yes, we're all individuals!You're all different!Yes, we are all different!I'm not.Shhhh.Shh. Shhhh. Shhh.You've all got to work it out for yourselves!Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves!Exactly!Tell us more!No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise Ow! No!Come on, Brian. That's enough. That's enough.Oooooh. That wasn't a minute!Oh, yes, it was.Oh, no, it wasn't!Now, stop that, and go away!Excuse me.Yes?Are you a virgin?I beg your pardon!Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?'If it's not a personal question'? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!She is.Yeah. Must be. She is. DefinitelyOoh. Oh! Oooh'Morning, Saviour.Lay Your hands on me. Quick!Now, don't jostle the Chosen One, please.Don't push that baby in the Saviour's face. You've got till later.I say. I say, could He just see my wife? She has a headache.She'll have to wait, I'm afraid.It's very bad, and we've got a luncheon appointment.Look, the lepers are queuing.Her brother in law is the ex mayor of Bath, you know.Uh, Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who's letting us have the Mounts on Sunday?Hello.Don't push!And keep the noise down, please! Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control a bit, can't you? All right. Now, those with gifts come forward, please. Incurables, you'll just have to wait for a few minutes.Will he endorse fish?Ahh, you'll have to speak to your sibling Francis about endorsements. Now don't Line up along there. Now get 'em in two rows, Reg. Ahh Hail, Leader!What?Oh, I I'm so sorry. Have you see ze new Leader?The what?The new Leader. I I wish to find him and hail him. Hail, Leader. See?Who are you?Uh, my name is Otto.Oh. Otto.Yes.Well, I'm not sure, but I Shh! Otto!What? The Leader? Hail Leader!No, no; it's dangerous.Oh. Danger? There's no danger. Men!Impressive, eh?Yes.Oh, yes! We are a thoroughly trained suicide squad.Oh.Oh, yes! We can commit suicide within twenty seconds.Twenty seconds?You don't believe me?Yes.I think you question me.No, no, no.I can see you do not believe me.No, no. I do.Enough! I'll prove it to you. Squad!Hail, Leader!Commit suicide!Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One!See?Yes.I think now you'll believe me. Yes?Yes. Very impressive.I think now I prove it to you, huh?Yes.All dead.Ye Not one living. He's dead and he's dead. See? I tread on him. He's dead and he's dead and he's dead. They're all dead. All dead good Jewish boys. No foreigners! But their names will live forever! Helmut, Johnny, the little guy, the er the other fat one. Their names will live eventually forever.Wait a minute.There's somebody here who's not dead. There's somebody here who is only pretending to be dead. Stand up, you.Oow!A ha.Who said 'ow'?!Uhhlm.You're not dead either. Neither are you! Stand up! Stand up. You're not dead. Ah Eh Oh, my heck! Stand up! Stand up, all of you! Oh, my heck, is there not even one dead?!No, sir. Not one.Why not?!We thought it was a practice, sir.But all the bleeding and the groaning?Little secreted sheeps' bladders, sir.Oh Oh, my cock! Sheeps' bladders?!Yes.You are sour! A non Semitic, mutinous, racially impure, cloth eared bunch of Roman lovers!Stumm, stumm, stumm. Sorry, sir.Tomorrow, as a punishment, you will all eat pork sausages!Oh, no.Now All right. Tell ze Leader that we are ready to die for him ze moment he gives the sign.What sign?The sign that is the sign. That shall be the sign. Men! Forward!Silly bugger.Um, women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you?Brian? Brian, you were fantastic!You weren't so bad yourself.No, what you said just now it was quite extraordinary.What? Oh, that. Was it?We don't need any leaders. You're so right. Reg has been dominating us for too long.Well, yes.It needed saying, and you said it, Brian.You're very attractive.It's our revolution! We can all do it together!I think I think We're all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands!What? No! That's not what I meant at all!You're fuckin' nicked, me old beauty. Right.Stop it.Aah.Well, Bwian, you've given us a good wun for our money.A what?Aaagh.This time, I guawantee you will not escape. Guard, do we have any cwucifixions today?A hundred and thirty nine, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir.Wight! Now we have a hundwed and forty. Nice wound number, eh, Biggus?Hm hm hm hm hm.Hail Caesar!Hail.The crowd outside is getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to disperse them, please.Disperse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet.Ah, no. I know sir, but My addwess is one of the high points of the Passover. My fwiend, Biggus Dickus, has come all the way fwom Wome just to hear it.Hail Caesar.Hail Thaethar!You're not ah, you're not, uh, thinking o of giving it a miss this year, then, sir?Give it a miss?Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.Weally, Centuwion? I'm surpwised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.A bit thundery, sir.Take him away.I'm a Roman! I I can prove it, honestly!And cwucify him well! Biggus.Ah, I I really wouldn't, sir.Out of the way, Centuwion.Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith.Right. Now, uh, item four attainment of world supremacy within the next five years. Uh, Francis, you've been doing some work on this.Yeah. Thank you, Reg. Well, quite frankly, siblings, I think five years is optimistic, unless we can smash the Roman empire within the next twelve months.Twelve months?Yeah, twelve months. And, let's face it. As empires go, this is the big one, so we've got to get up off our arses and stop just talking about it!Hear! Hear!I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now.Hear! Hear!You're right. We could sit around here all day talking, passing resolutions, making clever speeches. It's not going to shift one Roman soldier!So, let's just stop gabbing on about it. It's completely pointless and it's getting us nowhere!Right!I agree. This is a complete waste of time.They've arrested Brian!What?What?They've dragged him off! They're going to crucify him!Right! This calls for immediate discussion!Yeah.What?!Immediate.Right.New motion?Completely new motion, eh, that, ah that there be, ah, immediate action Ah, once the vote has been taken.Well, obviously once the vote's been taken. You can't act another resolution till you've voted on itReg, for God's sake, let's go now!Yeah. Yeah.Please!Right. Right.Fine.In the in the light of fresh information from, ahh, sibling Judith Ah, not so fast, Reg.Reg, for God's sake, it's perfectly simple. All you've got to do is to go out of that door now, and try to stop the Romans' nailing him up! It's happening, Reg! Something's actually happening, Reg! Can't you understand?! Ohhh!Hm. Hm.Oh, dear.Hello. Another little ego trip for the feminists.What?Oh, sorry, Loretta. Ahh, oh, read that back, would you?Next. Crucifixion?Yes.Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion?Yes.Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Next. Crucifixion?Ah, no. Freedom.Hmm?What?Eh, freedom for me. They said I hadn't done anything, so I could go free and live on an island somewhere.Oh. Oh, well, that's jolly good. Well, off you go, then.Naa, I'm only pulling your leg. It's crucifixion, really.Oh, ho ho.Heh heh heh hehh.I see. Uh, very good. Very good. Well, out of the door. One Yeah. I know the way. Out of the door.Line on One cross each. Line on the left.Line on the left.Heh heh.Yes. Thank you. Crucifixion?Yes.Good.People of Jewusalem!Wome is your fwiend.To pwove our fwiendship, it is customawy at this time to welease a wongdoer fwom our pwisons.Whom would you have me welease?Welease Woger!Vewy well. I shall welease Woger!Sir, uh, we don't have a 'Woger', sir.What?Uh, we don't have anyone of that name, sir.Ah. We have no 'Woger'!Ohhhhh!Well, what about Wodewick, then?Yes! Welease Wodewick! Welease Wodewick!Centuwion, why do they titter so?Just some, uh, Jewish joke, sir.Are they wagging me?Oh, no, sir!Vewy well. I shall welease Wodewick!Sir, we don't have a 'Roderick' either.No 'Woger'? No 'Wodewick'?Sorry, sir.Who is this 'Wod' Who is the 'Wodewick' to whom you wefer?He's a wobber!And a wapist!And a pickpocket!Yeah! Ahh, no! No! Shh! Shh!He sounds a notowious cwiminal.We haven't got him, sir. Mm hm.Do we have anyone in our pwisons at all?Oh, yes, sir. We've got, uh, 'Samson', sir.Samson?Samson the Sadducee Strangler, sir. Uh, Silus the Syrian Assassin. Uh, several seditious scribes from Caesarea. Uhhh, sixty seven seers from Let me thpeak to them, Pontiuth!Oh, no. Oh.Ah. Good idea, Biggus.Thitizens! We have Thamthon the Thadduthee Thtrangler, Thilusthe Athyrian Athathin, theveral theditiouth thcribth from Thaetharea, andNext. Hhh, crucifixion?Yes.Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.Just a moment, would you? Jailer, how many have come through?What?Uh, how many have come through?What?Uh, y y y y y you'll have to s speak s s s sp spe speak speak s spe s s p p peak speak up a bit, sir. He's he's d he's d he's d he's d Ah.Oh, he's he's He's deaf as dea deaf as a p p post, sir.Uhh, how many have come through?!Hhhee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.Oh, dear.Hee huh.I make it ninety fff Ah.ninety fff ninety fffff ninety six, sir.Oh. It's such a senseless waste of human life, isn't it?N n n n n n n no, sir. N not not with these b bastards, sir. C cr rrrr c c crrr c c c crrrrucifixion's too good for 'em, sir.I don't think you can say it's too good for them. It's it's very nasty.Well, it's not as n n n n n n n n no no no not as n nasty as something I just thought up, sir.No.Hm?Now, um, crucifixion.Is there someone I can speak to?Well I know where to get it, if you want it.What?Uh, d don't don't worry about hi him, sir. He's de he's de He's de de de he's deaf and m m m m m m m mad, sir.How did he get the job?Bloody Pilate's pet, sir.Heh heh.Get a move on, Big Nose! There's people waiting to be crucified out here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah.Could I see a lawyer or someone?Um, do do you have a lawyer?No, but I'm a Roman.How about a re trial? We've got plenty o' time.Shut up, you!Miserable, bloody Romans. No sense of humour.Oooh.I'm sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out? Line on the left. One cross each. NowWath it thomething I thaid?Silence!Huh huh huh huh huh!This man commands a cwack legion!He wanks as high as any in Wome!Mhmm. Crucifixion party. 'Morning. Now, we will be on a show as we go through the town, so let's not let the side down. Keep in a good, straight line, three lengths between you and the man in front, and a good, steady pace. Crosses over your left shoulders, and, if you keep your backs hard up against the crossbeam,Ohhh.you'll be there in no time.Ohhh.Heh.Ooh.All right, Centurion.Crucifixion party! Wait for it.Ooh.Crucifixion party, by the left! Forward!You lucky bastards! You lucky, jammy bastards!It is the sign!The sign that is the sign?Yes!Men! Our time has come. Our leader calls. Men! Forward!Oh, my cock.Ohh. Ohh. Ohh. Oh. Oh.Let me shoulder your burden, brother. Uh.Oh, thank you.Uh. H hey!Oh, hey! What d'you think you're doing?Ah, i it's not my cross.Shut up and get on with it!Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. He had you there, mate. Didn't he? That'll teach you a lesson. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!Souvenir of Calvary. Very nice little item, this. Wrap it 'round a lamp and the crosses twinkle on and off. Very nice. Doubles as a tablecloth or a curtain or No!Totally washab Oh, Pilate at it again, eh? Well, how about this, then? A couple of crosses. One slightly damaged, only very sl All wight. I will give you one more chance. This time, I want to hear no 'Weuben's, no 'Weginald's, no 'Wudolph the Wed nosed Weindeer's,No 'Thpenther Trathy'th!or we shall welease no one!Release Brian!Oh, yeah. That's a good one.Yeah.Welease Bwian!Vewy well. That's it.Sir, we, uh we have got a 'Brian', sir.What?Well, you just sent him for crucifixion, sir.Uh. Ah, wait! Wait! We do have a 'Bwian'! Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away.Yes, sir. Yes, sir.Vewy well! I shall welease Bwian!Get a move on, there!Or what?Or you'll be in trouble.Oh, dear. You mean I might have to give up being crucified in the afternoons?Shut up!That would be a blow. Wouldn't it? I wouldn't have nothing to do. Ohh, thank you.Where have they gone?!We've we've got lumps of it 'round the back.What?Oh, don't worry about him, sir. He's ma he's m he's ma he he he's m m m he's m he's m He's mad, sir.Have they gone?!Oh, ye nnnnn Ay, n na Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.Na na Heh. Heh. Heh hehNa na na na n Oh, come on!N nnnyes, sir.Heh. Huh.Anyway, get on with the story.Well, I knew she never really liked him, so I kiss Right. That's the motion to get on with it, passed with, uh, one abstention. I now propose that we go without further ado. May I have a seconder forLet's just go.Yeah, all right.Oh, no.Oof. Bloody Romans!Watch it! There's still a few crosses left.Up you go, Big Nose!I'll get you for this, you bastard.Oh, yeah?Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.No?I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!Shut up, you Jewish turd!Who are you calling Jewish?! I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two.It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?Oh, rather.Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.Pharisees separate from Sadducees.And Swedish separate from Welsh.YeahAll right! All right! All right! We'll soon settle this! Hands up, all those who don't want to be crucified here.Ooh. Oh. Uh. UhRight. Next!Ah, look. It's not my cross.What?!Um, it's not my cross. I was, ah, holding it for someone. Um Just lie down. I haven't got all day.No, of course. Um, look. I hate to make a fuss Look.Uhh We've had a busy day. There's a hundred and forty of you lot to get up.Is he Jewish?Will you be quiet?!We don't want any more Samaritans around here.Belt up!Uh, will you let me down if he comes back?Yeah. Yeah, we'll let you down. Next!You don't have to do this. You don't have to take orders.I like orders.See? Not so bad, once you're up. You being rescued, then? Are you?It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?Oh, now, now. We've got a couple of days up here. Plenty of time. Lots of people get rescued.Ohh?Oh, yeah. My brother usually rescues me, if he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes. Huh.Ahhh?Randy little bugger. Up and down like the Assyrian Empire. Heh heh heh heh.Hello. Your family arrived, then?Reg!Hello, sibling Brian.Thank God you've come, Reg.Ahh, yes. Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, that we are not in fact the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepared statement on behalf of the Movement. Uh, 'We, the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom.'What?'Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman Imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture, and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed on behalf of the P.F.J., etcetera.' And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration for what you are doing for us, Brian, at what must be, after all, for you, a very difficult time.Reg! Well, what are you going to do?Good bye, Brian, and thanks.Well done, Brian. Keep it up, lad.Terrific work, Brian.Yeah. Right. AndAnd so say all of You bastards! You bastards!Where is Brian of Nazareth?!You sanctimonious bastards!I have an order for his release!You stupid bastards!Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.What?!Yeah, I I I'm Brian of Nazareth.Take him down!I'm Brian of Nazareth!Eh, I'm Brian!I'm Brian!Look, I'm Brian!I'm Brian!I'm Brian!I'm Brian, and so's my wife!I'm Brian! I'm Brian!I'm Brian of Nazareth!All right. Take him away and release him.No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!Huuuh! The Judean People's Front!The Judean People's Front!Forward all!Look out! The Judean People's Front! The Judean People's Front!Ve are the Judean People's Front. Crack suicide squad. Suicide squad! Attack!Uh! Ugh. AgghThat showed 'em, huh? Oooh.You silly sods.Brian! Brian! Brian! Brian!Judith!So, there you are! I might have known it would end up like this. To think of all the love and affection I've wasted on you. Well, if that's how you treat your poor old mother in the autumn years of her life, all I can say is, 'Go ahead. Be crucified. See if I care.' I might have known it wouldMum!end up like this. Sex, sex. That'sMum!all young people are interested in nowadays. I don't know what the world's coming to.Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say. Some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, Don't grumble. Give a whistle. And this'll help things turn out for the best. AndIf life seems jolly rotten, There's something you've forgotten, And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing. When you're feeling in the dumps, Don't be silly chumps. Just purse your lips and whistle. That's the thing. AndAlways look on the bright side of life.Come on!For life is quite absurd And death's the final word. You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin. Give the audience a grin.Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow. So,Life's a piece of shit, When you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke. It's true. You'll see it's all a show. Keep 'em laughing as you go. Just remember that the last laugh is on you. AndCome on, Brian. Cheer up.Worse things happen at sea, you know.Always look on the bright side of life!I mean, what you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing.You're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!Nothing will come from nothing. You know what they say?Always look on the bright side of life!Cheer up, you old bugger. Come on. Give us a grin. There you are. See?It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer.Always look on the bright side of life!Some of us have got to live as well, you know.Who do you think pays for all this rubbish?Always look on the bright side of life!They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him.I said to him, 'Bernie.' I said, 'They'll never make their money back.'That should give you enough.Hello again, and welcome to the show. Tonight we continue to look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away, Genghis.9.1, 9.3, 9.7, that's 28.1 for Genghis Khan.Bad luck Genghis. Nice to have you on the show. And now here are the scores.Well there you can see the scores now. St Stephen in the lead there with his stoning, then comes King Richard the Third at Bosworth Field, a grand death that, then the very lovely Jean d'Arc, then Marat in his bath best of friends with Charlone in the showers afterwards then A. Lincoln of the U.S. of A, a grand little chap that, and number six Genghis Khan, and the back marker King Edward the Seventh. Back to you, Wolfgang.Strewth!Oh blimey, how time flies. Sadly we are reaching the end of yet another program and so it is finale time. We are proud to be bringing to you one of the evergreen bucket kickers. Yes, the wonderful death of the famous English Admiral Nelson.Kiss me Hardy!Ah good evening everyone, and welcome to the second of our Italian language classes, in which we'll be helping you brush up your Italian. Last week we started at the beginning, and we learnt the Italian for a 'spoon'. Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was?Not all at once sit down Mario. Giuseppe!II cucchiaio.Well done Giuseppe, or, as the Italians would say 'Molto bene, Giuseppe'.Grazie signor grazie di tutta la sua gentilezza.Well, now, this week we're going to learn some useful phrases to help us open a conversation with an Italian. Now first of all try telling him where you come from. For example, I would say 'Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross', I am an Englishman from Gerrard's Cross. Shall we all try that together?Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross.Not too bad, now let's try it with somebody else. Er Mr ?Mariolini.Ah, Mr. Mariolini, and where are you from?Napoli, signor.Ah you're an Italian.Si, si signor!Well in that case you would say 'Sono Italiano di Napoli'.Ah, capisco, mile grazie signorPer favore, signor!Yes?Non conosgeve parliamente, signor devo me parlo sono Italiano di Napoli quando il habitare de Milano.I'm sorry I don't understand!Bitte mein Herr. Was ist das Won für Mittelschmerz?Ah! Helmut you want the German classes.My friend he say, 'Why must I say I am Italian from Napoli when he lives in Milan?'Ah, I well, tell your friend if he lives in Milan he must say 'Sono Italiano di Milano'He say 'Milan is better than Napoil'.Oh, he shouldn't be saying that, we haven't done comparatives yet.during an animation Yes, mothers, new improved Whizzo butter containing 10% more or less is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead crab. Remember, buy Whizzo butter and go to HEAVEN!I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.Yes, you know, we find that nine out of ten British housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab.It's true, we can't. No.Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you?He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't tell Whizzo butter from a dead crab.You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit your face.Good evening and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts. And we kick off this evening with Cinema.Good evening. One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed of any age, is Sir Edward Ross, back in his native country for the first time for five years to open a season of his works at the National Film Theatre, and we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in this studio tonight.Good evening.Edward you don't mind if I call you Edward?No, not at all.Because it does worry some people I don't know why but they are a little sensitive so I take the precaution of asking on these occasions.No, that's fine.So Edward's all right. Splendid. I'm sorry to have brought it up.No, no, please. Edward it is.Well thank you very much for being so helpful. And it's more than my job's worth to, erYes, quite.Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport put the other person at his easeQuite.Silly little point but it does seem to matter. Still, er, least said the better. Ted, when you first started you I hope you don't mind if I call you Ted, er, I mean as opposed to Edward?No, no, everyone calls me Ted.Well of course it's shorter, isn't it.Yes it is.And much less formal!Yes, Ted, Edward or anything!Thank you. Um, incidentally, do call me Tom. I don't want you bothering with this 'Thomas' nonsense! Ha ha ha ha! Now where were we? Ah yes. Eddie Baby, when you first started in theI'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called Eddie Baby.What?I don't like being called Eddie Baby.Yes, you did! Now if you could get on with the interviewI don't think I did call you Eddie Baby.You did!Did I call him Eddie Baby?I didn't really call you Eddie Baby, did I, sweetie?Don't call me sweetie!Can I call you sugar plum?No.Pussycat?No!Angel drawers?No you may not! Get on with it!Can I call you Frank?It's a nice name. Richard Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank.What IS going on?Now Frank Fran Frannie little Frannie poohTell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so very kind.None of this Pussycat nonsense?My latest film?Yes, Sir Edward.Well the idea, funnily enough, is based on an idea I had when I first joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I was only the tea boy andOh shut up!Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world's leading modern composers, Arthur 'Two sheds' Jackson. Mr. Jackson.Hello.May I just sidetrack for one moment. This what shall I call it nickname of yoursAh yes.Two sheds. How did you come by it?Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me Two Sheds.And do you in fact have two sheds?No, I've only got one. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me Two Sheds.In spite of the fact that you only have one.Yes.And are you still intending to purchase this second shed?To bring you in line with your epithet?No.I see, I see. Well to return to your symphony.Ah yes.Did you write this symphony in the shed?Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden shed.I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in!No, no. Look. This shed business it doesn't really matter. The sheds aren't important. A few friends call me Two Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed. I'm fed up with it!Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson, eh?Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.Huh!I understand that you used to be interested in train spotting.What?I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were interested in train spotting.Well what's that got to do with my bloody music?Yes, a little. Good Lord! You're the man who interviewed Sir Edward Ross earlier.Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, Two Sheds.Here, what are you doing? Stop it! [Crash.]Get your own Arts program, you fairy!Arthur Two Sheds Jackson Never mind, Timmy.Oh Mike, you're such a comfort.And now for more news of the momentous artistic event in which Pablo Picasso is doing a specially commissioned painting for us whilst riding a bicycle. Pablo Picasso the founder of modern art without doubt the greatest abstract painter ever for the first time painting in motion. But first of all let's have a look at the route he'll be taking.Well Picasso will be starting, David, at Chichester here, he'll then cycle on the A29 to Fontwell, he'll then take the A272 which will bring him on to the A3 just north of Hindhead here. From then on Pablo has a straight run on the A3 until he meets the South Circular at Battersea here. Well, this is a truly remarkable occasion as it is the first time that a modern artist of such stature has taken the A272, and it'll be very interesting to see how he copes with the heavy traffic round Wisborough Green. Vicky.Well Picasso will be riding his Viking Super Roadster with the drop handlebars and the dual thread wheel rims and with his Wiley Prat 20 1 synchro mesh he should experience difficulties on the sort of road surfaces they just don't get abroad. Mitzie.And now for the latest report on Picasso's progress over to Reg Moss on the Guildford by pass.Well there's no sign of Picasso at the moment, David. But he should be through here at any moment. However I do have Geppo with me, Mr. Ron Geppo, British Cycling Sprint Champion and this year's winner of the Derby Doncaster rally.Well, thank you Ron. Well, there still seems to be no sign of Picasso, so I'll hand you back to the studio.Well, we've just heard that Picasso is approaching the Tolworth roundabout on the A3 so come in Sam Trench at Tolworth.That's not Picasso that's Kandinsky.He's German!But as yet absolutely no sign of Pablo Picasso, and so from Tolworth roundabout back to the studio.This man is Ernest Scribbler writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world and, as a consequence, he will die laughing.It was obvious that this joke was lethal no one could read it and live This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden violent comedy. Police have sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in police history.It was not long before the Army became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.Fantastic.All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in joke proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital· But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy in the ArdennesTell the joke.In action it was deadly.Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!The German casualties were appalling.Vott is the big joke?I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross the road?All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?I can stand physical pain, you know.Ah you're no fun. All right, Otto.Oh no anything but that please no, all right I'll tell you.Quick Otto. The typewriter.Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.Ach! Zat iss not funny!But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working on a joke of their own.Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und der bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist aufern borger mit zveitingen'.We let you know.But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order for the German V Joke to be broadcast in English.In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.Good afternoon.AfternoonAh, lovely day isn't it?Eh, 'tis that.You here on holiday?Nope, I live 'ere.Oh, good for you. Uhthose ARE sheep aren't they?Yeh.Hmm, thought they were. Only, what are they doing up in the trees?A fair question and one that in recent weeks 'as been much on my mind. It's my considered opinion that they're nestin'.Nesting?Aye.Like birds?Exactly. It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their be'avior. Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their 'ind legs. Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly asplummet.Yes, but why do they think they're birds?But where did they get the idea?From Harold. He's that most dangerous of creatures, a clever sheep. 'e's realized that a sheep's life consists of standin' around for a few months and then bein' eaten. And that's a depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep.Well why don't you just remove Harold?Because of the enormous commercial possibilities if 'e succeeds.And what exactly are the commercial possibilities of ovine aviation?Continued in the Sketch French lecture on Sheep AircraftJOHN Bonsoir ici nous avons les diagrammes modernes d'un mouton anglo français maintenant baa aa, baa aa nous avons, dans la tête, le cabinc. Ici, on se trouve le petit capitaine Anglais, Monsieur Trubshawe.Vive Brian, wherever you are.D'accord, d'accord. Maintenant, je vous présente mon collègue, le pour célèbre, Jean Brian Zatapathique.Maintenant, le mouton le landing les wheels, bon.Bon, les wheels, ici.Les voyageurs les bagages ils sont ici!Oh yes, we get a lot of French people round here.Ooh Yes.All over yes.And how do you get on with these French people?Oh very well.So do I.Me too.Oh yes 1 like them. I mean, they think well don't they? I mean, be fair Pascal.Blaise Pascal.Jean Paul Sartre.Yes, Voltaire.Ooh! Rene Descartes.And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks!Oh, sure.Ah well, er, Mr. Frampton. Erm, is that chair comfortable?Fine, yeah, fine.I beg your pardon?Your rump.What?What's that?Oh, me bum!I got three cheeks.Please take them down.No!No, er look, er Mr. Frampton. It's quite easy for somebody just to come along here claiming that they have a bit to spare in the botty department. The point is, our viewers need proof.I've been on Persian Radio Get off! Arthur Figgis knows I've got three buttocks.How?We go cycling together.sitting at desk And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks.Good evening, I have with me Mr. Arthur Frampton, who.. Mr. Frampton I understand that you, as it were well let me put it another way I believe Mr. Frampton that whereas most people didn't we do this just now?Er yes.Well why didn't you say so?I thought it was the continental version.He's not here yet!Two Noses?Ladies and gentlemen isn't she just great eh, wasn't she just great. Ha, ha, ha, and she can run as fast as she can sing, ha, ha, ha. And I'm telling you 'cos I know. No, only kidding. Ha, ha, ha. Seriously now, ladies and gentlemen, we have for you one of the most unique acts in the world today. He's well I'll say no more, just let you see for yourselves ladies and gentlemen, my very great privilege to introduce Arthur Ewing, and his musical mice.Are you the marriage guidance counselor?Yes. Good morningGood morning, sirMr. and Mrs. Arthur PewtyIt's DeidreWell, it all started about five years ago when we started going on holiday in Brighton together. Deidre, that's my wife, has always been a jolly good companion to me and I never particularly anticipated any marital strife indeed the very idea of consulting a professional marital adviser has always been of the greatest repugnance to me although far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade or professionOdd?Yes well, I mean to a certain extent yes. I'm not by nature a suspicious person far from it though in fact I have something of a reputation as an after dinner speaker, if you take my meaning.Yes I certainly doAnyway in the area where I'm known people in fact know me extremely well.Now wait there stranger. A man can run and run for year after year until he realizes that what he's running from is hisselfGoshA man's got to do what a man's got to do, and there ain't no sense in runnin'. Now you gotta turn, and you gotta fight, and you gotta hold your head up highYes!Now you go back in there my son and be a manGo awayRight. Right.These historic pictures of Queen Victoria, taken in 1880 at Osborne show the Queen with Gladstone. This unique film provides a rare glimpse into the private world of a woman who ruled half the earth. The commentary, recorded on the earliest wax cylinders, is spoken by Alfred Lord Tennyson, the Poet Laureate.Oh dad look who's come to see us it's our Ken.Aren't you pleased to see me, father?It's just an ordinary suit, father it's all I've got apart from the overalls.How are you liking it down the mine, Ken?Oh it's not too bad, mum we're using some new tungsten carbide drills for the preliminary coal face scouring operations.Oh that sounds nice, dearTungsten carbide drills! What the bloody hell's tungsten carbide drills?It's something they use in coal mining, father.Oh not that again.He's had a hard day dear his new play opens at the National Theatre tomorrow.Oh that's good.Good! good? What do you know about it? What do you know about getting up at five o'clock in t'morning to fly to Paris back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve, sweating the day through press interviews, television interviews and getting back here at ten to wrestle with the problem of a homosexual nymphomaniac drug addict involved in the ritual murder of a well known Scottish footballer· That's a full working day, lad, and don't you forget it!Oh, don't shout at the boy, father.Coal mining is a wonderful thing father, but it's something you'll never understand. Just look at you!Oh Ken! Be careful! You know what he's like after a few novels.Oh come on lad! Come on, out wi' it! What's wrong wi' me? yet tit!I'll tell you what's wrong with you. Your head's addled with novels and poems, you come home every evening reeling of Chateau La TourOh don't, don't.And look what you've done to mother! She's worn out with meeting film stars, attending premieres and giving gala luncheonsThere's nowt wrong wi' gala luncheons, lad! I've had more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners!Oh please!Oh no!What is it?Oh, it's his writer's cramp!You never told me about thisNo, we didn't like to, Kenny.I'm all right! I'm all right, woman. Just get him out of here.Oh Ken! You'd better go All right. I'm going.After all we've done for himGet out! Get out! Get OUT! You LABORER!Hey, you know, mother, I think there's a play there . get t'agent on t'phone.Aye I think you're right, Frank, it could express, it could express a vital theme of our ageAye.Oh all right. All right! A man with nine legs.He ran away.Oh Bloody Hell! Er a Scotsman on a horse!Harold! Come back, Harold! Harold! Come back, Harold! Oh, blast!Good evening, and welcome once again to the Epilogue. On the program this evening we have Monsignor Edward Gay, visiting Pastoral Emissary of the Somerset Theological College and author of a number of books about belief, the most recent of which is the best seller 'My God'. And opposite him we have Dr Tom Jack humanist, broadcaster, lecturer and author of the book 'Hello Sailor'. Tonight, instead of discussing the existence or non existence of God, they have decided to fight for it. The existence, or non existence, to be determined by two falls, two submissions, or a knockout. All right boys, let's get to it. Your master of ceremonies for this evening Mr. Arthur Waring.Now Dr Jack's got a flying mare there. A flying mare there, and this is going to be a full body slam. A full body slam, and he's laying it in there, and he's standing back. Well .. there we are leaving the Epilogue for the moment, we'll be bringing you the result of this discussion later on in the program.Yes. The Mouse Problem· This week 'The World Around Us' looks at the growing social phenomenon of Mice and Men. What makes a man want to be a mouse.And when did you first notice these shall we say tendencies?Well I was about seventeen and some mates and me went to a party, and, er we had quite a lot to drink and then some of the fellows there started handing cheese around and well just out of curiosity 1 tried a bit and well that was that.And what else did these fellows do?Well some of them started dressing up as mice a bit and then when they'd got the costumes on they started squeaking.Yes. And was that all?That was all.And what was your reaction to this?Well I was shocked. But, er gradually I came to feel that I was more at ease with other mice.A typical case, whom we shall refer to as Mr. A, although his real name is thisWhat is it that attracts someone like Mr. A to this way of life? I have with me a consultant psychiatrist.Well, we've just heard a typical case history. I myself have over seven hundred similar histories, all fully documented. Would you care to choose one? what makes certain men want to be mice?And, of course, Hillaire Belloc. But what is the attitude of the man in the street towards this growing social problem?Clamp down on them.How?I'd strangle them.Well speaking as a member of the Stock Exchange I would suck their brains out with a straw, sell the widows and orphans and go into South American Zinc.Yean I'd, er, stuff sparrows down their throats, er, until the beaks stuck out through the, er, stomach walls.Oh well I'm a chartered accountant, and consequently too boring to be of interest.I feel that these poor unfortunate people should be free to live the lives of their own choice.I'd split their nostrils open with a boat hook, I think.Well I mean, they can't help it, can they? But, er, there's nothing you can do about it. So er, I'd kill 'em.Clearly the British public's view is a hostile one.But perhaps this is because so little is generally known of these mice men. We have some film now taken of one of the notorious weekend mouse parties, where these disgusting little perverts meet.Mr. A tells us what actually goes on at these mouse parties.Well first of all you get shown to your own private hole in the skirting board then you put the mouse skin on then you scurry into the main room, and perhaps take a run in the wheel.The remainder of this film was taken secretly at one of these mouse parties by a BBC cameraman posing as a vole. As usual we apologize for the poor quality of the film.Well, er, then you steal some cheese, Brie or Camembert, or Cheddar or Gouda, if you're on the harder stuff. You might go and see one of the blue cheese films there's a big clock in the middle of the room, and about 12.50 you climb up it and then eventually, it strikes one and you all run down.And what's that?That's the farmer's wife.Perhaps we need to know more of these mice men before we can really judge them. Perhaps not. Anyway, our thirty minutes are up.Goodnight.Mr. Larch, you heard the case for the prosecution. Is there anything you wish to say before I pass sentence?It's only a bloody parking offence.I'm sorry I'm late m'lud I couldn't find a kosher car park. Er don't bother to recap m'lud, I'll pick it up as we go along. Call Mrs. Fiona Lewis.Call Mrs. Fiona Lewis.Mr. Bartlett, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness. Counsel My next witness will explain that if m'ludship will allow. I call the late Arthur Aldridge.The late Arthur Aldridge.The late Arthur Aldridge?Yes m'lud.Mr. Bartlett, do you think there is any relevance in questioning the deceased?I beg your pardon m'lud.Well, I mean, your witness is dead.Yes, m'lud. Er, well, er, virtually, m'lud.He's not completely dead?No he's not completely dead m'lud. No. But he's not at all well.But if he's not dead, what's he doing in a coffin?What was that knock?Where is all this leading us?What do you mean, no further questions? You can't just dump a dead body in my court and say 'no further questions'. I demand an explanation.There are no easy answers in this case m'lud.I think you haven't got the slightest idea what this case is about.M'lud the strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads of this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue will shortly m'lud reveal a plot so fiendish, so infernal, so heinousMr. Bartlett, your client has already pleaded guilty to the parking offence.Parking offence, schmarking offence, m'lud. We must leave no stone unturned. Call Cardinal Richelieu.Oh, you're just trying to string this case out. Cardinal Richelieu?A character witness m'lud.'Allo everyone, it's wonderful to be 'ere y'know, I just love your country. London is so beautiful at this time of year.Er, you are Cardinal Armand du Piessis de Richelieu, First Minister of Louis XIII?Oui.Cardinal, would it be fair to say that you not only built up the centralized monarchy in France but also perpetuated the religious schism in Europe?Did you persecute the Huguenots?Oui.And did you take even sterner measures against the great Catholic nobles who made common cause with foreign foes in defense of their feudal independence?I sure did that thing.Cardinal. Are you acquainted with the defendant, Harold Latch?Since I was so high indicated how high.Speaking as a Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Church, as First Minister of Louis XIII, and as one of the architects of the modern world already would you say that Harold Larch was a man of good character?Listen. Harry is a very wonderful human being.M'lud. In view of the impeccable nature of this character witness may I plead for clemency?Oh but it's only thirty shillings.Not so fast!Why not?Yes, and I've a few questions I'd like to ask Cardinal so called Richelieu.Bonjour Monsieur Dim.So called Cardinal, I put it to you that you died in December 1642.That is correct.Ah ha! He fell for my little trap.Curse you Inspector Dim. You are too clever for us naughty people.And furthermore I suggest that you are none other than Ron Higgins, professional Cardinal Richelieu impersonator.It's a fair cop.My you're clever Dim. He'd certainly taken me in.It's all in a day's work.With a brilliant mind like yours, Dim, you could be something other than a policeman.Yes.What?If I were not in the CID Something else I'd like to be. If I were not in the CIDA window cleaner, me!With a rub a dub dub and a scrub a dub dubAnd a rub a dub all day long.With a rub a dub dub and a scrub a dub dubI'd sing this merry song!If I were not in the CID Something else I'd like to be.If I were not in the CIDA window cleaner, me!With a rub a dub dub and a scrub a dub dubAnd a rub a dub all day long.With a scrub a dub dub and a rub a dub dubI'd sing this very song! Hey!music stopsIf I were not before the barSomething else I'd like to be.If I were not a barristerAn engine driver me!With a chuff chuff chuff and a chuff chuff chuff silence'NO. 1''THE LARCH'The larch. The larch.and CAPTION'AND NOWNO. 1THE LARCHAND NOW'But Mr. F G Superman has a secret identity. When trouble strikes at any time, at any place, he is ready to become BICYCLE REPAIR MAN!If only Bicycle Repair Man were here!Yes, wait, I think I know where I can find him. Look over there!'FLASH!'Bicycle Repair Man, but how?Oh look is it a stockbroker?Is it a quantity Surveyor?Is it a church warden?NO! It's Bicycle Repair Man!CLINK! SCREW! BEND! INFLATE! ALTER SADDLE!Why, he's mending it with his own hands!See how he uses a spanner to tighten that nut!Oh, Oh Bicycle Repair Man, how can I ever repay you?Oh, you don't need to guv. It's all in a days work for Bicycle Repair Man!Our Hero!Yes! whenever bicycles are broken, or menaced by international communism, Bicycle Repair Man is ready!It's nice here, isn't it?Oh, very good restaurant, three stars you know.Really?MmmGood evening, sir! Good evening, madam! And may I say what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir!Oh thank you. Well there you are dear. Have a look there, anything you like. The boeuf en croute is fantastic.Oh if I may suggest, sir the pheasant à la reine, the sauce is one of the chefs most famous creations.Em that sounds good. Anyway just have a look take your time. Oh, er by the way got a bit of a dirty fork, could you er·.. get me another one?I beg your pardon.Oh it's nothing er, I've got a fork a little bit dirty. Could you get me another one? Thank you.Oh sir, 1 do apologize.Oh, no need to apologize, it doesn't worry me.Oh no, no, no, I do apologize. I will fetch the head waiter immediatement.Oh, there's no need to do that!Oh, no no I'm sure the head waiter, he will want to apologize to you himself. I will fetch him at once.Well, you certainly get good service here.They really look after you yes.Oh, no, no.Better still, we can't afford to take any chances, sack the entire washing up staff.No, look I don't want to make any trouble.Oh, no I don't want to cause any fuss.Please, it's no fuss. I quite simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of the meal.Oh I'm sure it won't, it was only a dirty fork.I know. And I'm sorry, bitterly sorry, but I know that no apologies I can make can alter the fact that in our restaurant you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutleryIt wasn't smelly.Good evening, sir, good evening, madam. I am the manager. I've only just heard . .. may I sit down?Yes, of course.I want to apologize, humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the fork.Oh please, it's only a tiny bit I couldn't see it.Ah you're good kind fine people, for saying that, but I can see it.., to me it's like a mountain, a vast bowl of pus.It's not as bad as that.Can I get you some water?Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knifePlease note this sketch is mainly visualThe TV Series version finished here, however the Movie version continuesGood evening, here is the 6 o'clock News read by Michael Queen. It's been a quiet day over most of the country as people went back to work after the warmest July weekend for nearly a year. The only high spot of the weekend was the meeting between officials of the NEDC and the ODCN in Bradford today.Eric do you think you could recognize a larch tree?What's your name?Michael.Michael, do you think you know what a larch tree looks like?Bottom!Are there any other trees that any of you think you could recognize from quite a long way away?I want to see a sketch of Eric's pleaseWhat?I want to see a sketch of Eric's. Nudge Nudge.A sketch?Eric's writtenI written a sketch.Nudge nudge, Eric's written Nudge nudge, nudge nudge'Evening, squire!stiffly Good evening.Is, uh,Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?I, uh, I beg your pardon?Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?flustered Well, she sometimes goes, yes.Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, knowwhatahmean, nudge nudge?confused I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!Are you, uh,are you selling something?Well, I, uh.Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?Um, she likes sport, yes!I bet she does, I bet she does!As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been around a bit, been around?SAY NO MORE!!Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, squire!I wasn't going to!Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, is your wife interested in.photography, ay? Photographs, ay, he asked him knowingly?Photography?Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?Holiday snaps, eh?They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know, CANDID photography?No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.Oh. leeringly Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?Look are you insinuating something?Oh, no, no, noyes.Well?Well, you're a man of the world, squire.YesI mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh. You've done it.What do you mean?Well, I mean like,.you've SLEPT, with a lady.Yes.What's it like?'Allo, Marge!Oh hello, Janet, how are you love?Fancy seeing you! How's little Ralph?Same as my Kevin.Really?Well, we've just come from the Courtauld and Ralph smashed every exhibit but one in the Danish Contemporary Sculpture Exhibition.Still it's not as bad as spitting is it?Really?I never used to like Turner.What a terrible joke.But it's my only line.Oh, that's typical. Talk talk talk. Natter natter natter!Quiet. Quiet. Now wait a minute. I have already warned this program about infringing the Army copyright of our slogan 'It's a pig's life man's life in the modern army'. And I'm warning you if it happens again, I shall come down on this program like a ton of bricks right. Carry on sergeant major.get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major!Where's all the others, then?They're not here.I can see that. What's the matter with them?Dunno.Perhaps they've got 'flu.Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self defense. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.What do you mean?We've done fruit the last nine weeks.What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?Can't we do something else?Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruitWe done the passion fruit.What?We done the passion fruit.We done oranges, apples, grapefruitWhole and segments.Pomegranates, greengagesGrapes, passion fruitLemonsPlumsMangoes in syrupHow about cherries?We did them.Red *and* black?Yes!All right, bananas.We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.Suppose he's got a bunch.Shut up.Suppose he's got a pointed stick.Shut up. Right now you, Mr. Apricot.'Arrison.You shot him!He's dead!He's completely dead!I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr. Apricot, is now 'elpless.You shot him. You shot him dead.Well, he was attacking me with a banana.But you told him to.Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.And pointed sticks.Shut up.Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?Run for it.You could stand and scream for help.Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.A pineapple?Where? Where?No I just said a pineapple.Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.What, on the pineapple?Where? Where?No, I was just repeating it.Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr. Tin Peach.Thompson.Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.No.Why not?You'll shoot me.I won't.You shot Mr. Harrison.That was self defense. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give me Hell.Throw the gun away.I haven't got a gun.You have.Haven't.You shot Mr. 'Arrison with it.Oh, that gun.Throw it away.Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant without a gun.You were going to shoot me!I wasn't.You were!No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weedAaagh.If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16 ton weight will fall on top of him.Suppose there isn't a 16 ton weight?Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.Well how many 16 ton weights are there?Look, look, look, Mr. Knowall. The 16 ton weight is just _one way_ of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!Like what?Shootin' him?Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16 ton weight?Look, look. All right, smarty pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.No guns.No.No 16 ton weights.No.No pointed sticks.Shut up.No rocks up in the ceiling.No.And you won't kill us.I won't.Promise.I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?Oh, all right.Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to release the tiger!The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's itAnd did those feet in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green we'd like to alter the mood a little, we'd like to bring you something for mum and dad, Annie, and Roger, Mazarin and Louis and all at Versailles, it's a little number called 'England's Mountains Green'. Hope you like it. And did those feet in ancient time rustic accent Yes, you know it's a man's life in England's Mountain Green.What about my rustic monologue? I'm not sleeping with that producer again.Er oh!Good morning, I'd like to buy a book please.I'm sorry?We don't have any books. We're fresh out of them. Good morning.Well what are all these?All what? Oh! All these, ah ah ha ha. Your referring to these books.Yes.They're um they're all sold. Good morning.What all of them?Every single man Jack of them. Not a single one of them in an unsold state. Good morning.Who to?What?Who are they sold to?Oh various good Lord is that the time? Oh my goodness I must close for lunch.It's only half past ten.But I was told to come here.I'm sorry?Er .,. oh . .. I was just saying thinking of the weather.. I hear the gooseberries are doing well this year and so are the mangoes.Mine aren't·What?Go on mine aren't butWhat?Aren't you going to say something about 'mine aren't but the Big Cheese gets his at low tide tonight'?No.The little old lady in the sweet shop.She didn't have a dueling scar just here and a hook?No.Of course not, I was thinking of somebody else. Good morning.Wait a minute, there's something going on here.No, but I think there's something going on here.See there's nothing going on.Who was that?That was my aunt, look what was this book you wanted then? Quickly! Quickly!Oh, well, I'd like to buy a copy of an 'Illustrated History of False Teeth'.My God you've got guts.What?What about?Are you from the British Dental Association?No I'm a tobacconist.Get away from that door.I'll just go over the otherStay where you are. You'll never leave this bookshop alive.Why not?You know too much, my dental friend.I don't know anything.Come clean. You're a dentist aren't you.No, I'm a tobacconist.A tobacconist who just happens to be buying a book on teeth?Yes.Ha ha ha haDrop that gun, Stapleton.There is something going on.No there isn't.OK Stapleton, this is it. Where's Mahoney hidden the fillings?What fillings?What happened to Nigel?Orthodontic Jake gave him a gelignite mouth wash.I knew there was something going on.Well there isn't.Come on Stapleton. The fillings!They're at 22 Wimpole Street.Oh, oh, 22a Wimpole Street.That's better.But you'll need an appointment.Not so fast Lafarge!Van der Berg!Yes. Now drop the roscoe.There is something going on.No there isn't.Get the guns.Who's that?That's Van der Berg. He's on our side.All right, get up against the wall Lafarge, and you too Stapleton.Me?Yes, you!You dirty double crossing rat.He's two timed me.Bad luck.All right where are the fillings? Answer me, where are they?This is quite exciting.Not so fast.Brian!Ooh, what's that?It's a bazooka.All right. Get against the wall Van der Berg and you nurse. And the first one to try anything moves to a practice six feet underground this is an anti tank gun and it's loaded and you've just got five seconds to tell me whatever happened to Baby Jane?What?Oh I'm sorry my mind was wandering I've had a terrible day I really have you've got five seconds to tell me I've forgotten. I've forgotten.The five seconds haven't started yet have they?Only we don't know the question.Was it about Vogler?No, no no you've got five seconds to tell meAbout Nigel?No.Bronski?No. No.The fillings!Drop the bazooka Brian.The Big Cheese!It's one o'clock.So it is. Lunch break, everyone back here at two.Hallo give me the British Dental Association and fast.and Caption on Screen 'IT'S A MAN'S LIFE IN THE BRITISH DENTAL ASSOCIATION'Oh good, that'll be the Vet, dear.I'd better go and let him in.stage whisper It's the Vet, dear.Oh very glad indeed you could come round, sir.Not at all. Now what seems to be the problem? You can tell me I'm a Vet, you know.See! Tell him, dear.WellIt's our cat. He doesn't do anything. He just sits out there on the lawn.Is he dead?Oh, no!He just sits there, all day and every day.And at night.Sh! Almost motionless. We have to take his food out to him.And his milk.Sh! He doesn't do anything. He just sits there.Are you at your wits' end?Definitely, yes.Moping.In a way, in a way hum moping, I must remember that. Now, what's to be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recently?Well we Sh! No.Yes well I think I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused.What?Sh! What?Confused. To shake it out of its state of complacency. I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card.'Confuse a Cat Limited'.'Oh.Squad! Eyes front! Stand at ease. Cat confusers shun!Well men, we've got a pretty difficult cat to confuse today so let's get straight on with it. Jolly good. Thank you sergeant.Stage ready for confusing, sir!Very good. Carry on, sergeant.Left turn, double march!Right men, confuse the cat!My lords, ladies and Gedderbong.I hope to God it works. Anyway, we shall know any minute now.I can't believe it.Neither can I. It's just like the old days.Then he's cured. Oh thank you, general.What can we ever do to repay you?No need to, sir. It's all in a day's work for Confuse a Cat.CONFUSE A CAT LIMITED INCORPORATING AMAZE A VOLE LTD STUN A STOAT LTD PUZZLE A PUMA LTD STARTLE A THOMPSON'S GAZELLE LTD BEWILDEREBEEST INC DISTRACT A BEENo! Oh, yes, yes yes.Anything to declare?Yes no! No! No! No! Nothing to declare, no, nothing in my suitcase noNo watches, cameras, radio sets?Oh yes four watches no, no, no. No. One one watchNo, no. Not even one watch. No, no watches at all. No, no watches at all. No precision watches, no.Which country have you been visiting, sir?Switzerland er no no not Switzerland er not Switzerland, it began with S but it wasn't Switzerland oh what could it be? Terribly bad memory for names. What's the name of that country where they don't make watches at all?Spain?Spain! That's it. Spain, yes, mm.The label says 'Zurich', sir.Yes well it was Spain then.Zurich's in Switzerland, sir.Switzerland, yes mm mm yes.Switzerland where they make the watches.Oh, nice shed you've got here.Have you, er, got any Swiss currency, sir?No just the watches er just my watch, er, my watch on the currency I've kept a watch of the currency, and I've watched it and I haven't got any.Sounded a bit like an alarm going off.Well it can't have been it must be a vest, er, going off.Going OffAll right, I confess, I'm a smuggler This whole case is crammed full of Swiss watches and clocks. I've been purposely trying to deceive Her Majesty's Customs and Excise. I've been a bloody fool.I don't believe you, sir.It's true. I'm, er, guilty of smuggling.Don't give me that, sir you couldn't smuggle a piece of greaseproof paper let alone a case full of watches.What do you mean! I've smuggled watches before, you know! I've smuggled bombs, cameras, microfilms, aircraft components, you name it I've smuggled it.Now come along please, you're wasting our time move along please.Look, for all I know, sir, you could've bought these in London before you ever went to Switzerland.What? I wouldn't buy two thousand clocks.People do, now close your case move along please come on. Don't waste our time, we're out to catch the real smugglers. Come on.Poor fellow. I think he needs help.Right, cut the wisecracks, vicar. Get to the search room, and strip.Cut to chairman of discussion group.I am not a man you silly billy.I'm not in the street you fairy.What was the question again?Well I think customs men should be armed, so they can kill people carrying more than two hundred cigarettes.I think it's silly to ask a lizard what it thinks, anyway.Why?I mean they should have asked Margaret Drabble.Door's open.Well what sort of substances, officer?Er certain substances.Well, what sort of certain substances?Er, certain substances of an illicit nature.Er, could you be more specific?I beg your pardon?Could you be 'clearer'.Oh, oh yes, er certain substances on the premises. To be removed for clinical tests.Have you got anything particular in mind?Well what have you got?Nothing, officer.You are Sandy Camp the actor?Yes.I must warn you, sir, that outside I have police dog Josephine, who is not only armed, and trained to sniff out certain substances, but is also a junkie.What are you after ?Wait a minute. You just got that out of your pocket.What?Sandwiches? Blimey. Whatever did I give the wife?Dear BBC, East Grinstead, Friday. I feel I really must write and protest about that sketch. My husband, in common with a lot of people of his age, is fifty. For how long are we to put up with these things. Yours sincerely, E. B. Debenham Mrs..Dear Freddy Grisewood, Bagshot, Surrey. As a prolific letter writer, I feel I must protest about the previous letter. I am nearly sixty and am quite mad, but I do enjoy listening to the BBC Home Service. If this continues to go on unabated Dunkirk dark days of the war backs to the wall Alvar Liddell Berlin air lift moral upheaval of Profumo case young hippies roaming the streets, raping, looting and killing. Yours etc., Brigadier Arthur Gormanstrop Mrs..Well I think they should attack things, like that with satire. I mean Ned Sherrin. Fair's fair. I think people should be able to make up their own minds for me.Well I think they should attack the fuddy duddy attitudes of the lower middle classes which permit the establishment to survive and keep the mores of the whole country back where they were in the nineteenth century and the ghastly days of the pre sexual revolution.Well that's, er, very interesting, because, er, I am, in fact, made entirely of wood.Well I think they should attack the lower classes, er, first with bombs, and rockets destroying their homes, and then when they run helpless into the streets, er, mowing them down with machine guns. Er, and then of course releasing the vultures. I know these views aren't popular, but I have never courted popularity.I think there should be more race prejudice.Less.Less race prejudice.Oh Dora. Why not?Be gentle with me.Oh Bevis, are you going to do anything or are you just going to show me films all evening?Just one more, dear.Oh.I'm sorry.Good morning.Good morning.Good morning.Well, well, you said 'good morning'. Ha, ha.Ah, good afternoon. Goodbye?Er why did you ring the bell?Well, I, IUm. Oh this is, is the interview for the management training course is it?Oh. Oh dear, I don't think I'm doing very well.Why do you say that?Well I don't know.Do you say it because you didn't know?Well. I, I, I, I don't know.I'm sorry, I'm confused.Well why do you think I did that then?Well I don't know.Aren't you curious?Well yes.Well, why didn't you ask me?WellIerName?What?Your name man, your name!Um, er David.David. Sure?Oh yes.No, no Thomas.Thomas Sure?No, no, David Thomas.Oh dear we're back to that again. I don't know what to do when you do that.Good?What's going on? What's going on?You've got very good marks.Very good marks.Oh, oh well, do I get the job?Er, well, I'm afraid not. I'm afraid all the vacancies were filled several weeks ago.Yes?Burglar, madam.What do you want?I wart to come in and steal a few firings, madam.Are you an encyclopedia salesman?No madam, I'm a burglar, I burgle people.I think you're an encyclopedia salesman.Oh I'm not, open the door, let me in please.lf l let you in you'll sell me encyclopedias.I won't, madam. I just want to come in and ransack the flat. Honestly.Promise. No encyclopedias?None at all.That man was a successful encyclopedia salesman. But not all encyclopedia salesmen are successful. Here is an unsuccessful encyclopedia salesman.Now here are two unsuccessful encyclopedia salesmen.I think there's a lesson there for all of us.You certainly can.Beethoven,.Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties I'm sorry Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats.Oh ja. When I first met Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern schplenden schlitter crasscrenbon fried digger dingle dangle dongle dungle burstein von knacker thrasher apple banger horowitz ticolensic grander knotty spelltinkle grandlich grumblemeyer spelterwasser kurstlich himbleeisen bahnwagen gutenabend bitte ein nürnburger bratwustle gerspurten mitz weimache auuber hundsfut gumberaber shönendanker kalbsfleisch mittler aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm, he was with his wife, Sarah Gambolputty de vonA tribute to Johann Gambolputty de yon Ausfern schplenden schlitter . crasscrenbon fficd digger dingle dangle dongle dungle burstein von knacker thrasher apple banger horowitz ticolensic.grander knorty spelltinkle. grandlich grumblemeyer spelterwasser kurstlich himbleeisen bahnwagen gutenabend ... .. bitte ein nürmburger. bratwurstle gerspurten mitz weimache luber hundsfut gumberaber schönendanker kalbsfieisch mittler aucher von Hautkopf of Ulm.All clear?All clear, Boss.We don't seem to be doing anything illegal.What do you mean?Well we're paying for the watch.Look! I don't like this outfit.Why not?What d'you mean?Well, look at that bank job last week.What was wrong with that?Well having to go in there with a mask on and ask for Ł15 out of my deposit account; that's what was wrong with it.Listen! What are you trying to say, Larry?Couldn't we just steal the watch, BossOh, you dumb cluck! We spent weeks organizing this job. Reg rented a room across the road and filmed the people going in and out every day. Vic spent three weeks looking at watch cataloguesuntil he knew the price of each one backwards, and now I'm not going to risk the whole raid just for the sake of breaking the law.Urr couldn't we park on a double yellow line?No!Couldn't we get a dog to foul the footNo!What's the matter with you?I just thought I left the car on a meter and it'sOverdue?Yes, Boss.How much?Five minutes overdue. You fool! You fool! All right we've no time to lose. Ken shave all your hair off, get your passport and meet me at this address in Rio de Janeiro Tuesday night. Vic go to East Africa, have plastic surgery and meet me there. Reg go to Canada and work your way south to Nicaragua by July. Larry you stay here as front man. Give us fifteen minutes then blow the building up. All right, make it fast.I can't blow the building up.Why not?It's illegal.Oh bloody hell. Well we'd better give ourselves up then.We can't, Boss.Why not?We haven't done anything illegal.No I think being illegal makes it more exciting.Yes, I agree. I mean, if you're going to go straight you might as well be a vicar or something.What?I agree. If there were fewer robbers there wouldn't be so many of them, numerically speaking.I think sexual ecstasy is over rated.Well, how very interesting, because I'm now made entirely of tin.After a few more of these remarks, I shall be appearing in a sketch, so stay tuned.It's the uniform that puts them off, that and my bad breath.matter of factly We like dressing up, yesHello again. I am at present still on film, but in a few seconds I shall be appearing in the studio. Thank you.I am.Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad. We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates certified The Whizzo Quality Assortment.Ah, yes.Agreed.Next we have number four, 'crunchy frog'.Ah, yes.Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?Yes. A little one.What sort of frog?A dead frog.Is it cooked?No.What, a raw frog?We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.That's as maybe, it's still a frog.What else?Well don't you even take the bones out?If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it?Superintendent Parrot ate one of those.It says 'crunchy frog' quite clearly.Well, the superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. People won't expect there to be a frog in there. They're bound to think it's some form of mock frog.Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'crunchy frog', and replace them with the legend 'crunchy raw unboned real dead frog', if you want to avoid prosecution.What about our sales?We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit.Lark's vomit?Correct.Well it don't say nothing about that here.Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.Our sales would plummet.Ah now, that's our specialty covered with darkest creamy chocolate. When you pop it in your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks.Well where's the pleasure in that?If people place a nice chocky in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks pierced. In any case this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.Stop talking to the camera.I'm sorry.If only the general public would take more care when buying its sweeties, it would reduce the number of man hours lost to the nation and they would spend less time having their stomachs pumped and sitting around in public lavatories.The BBC would like to apologize for the extremely poor quality of the next announcement, only he's not at all well.We present The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker.We present 'The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker'.the stockbroker is at the head of it; there are four people behind him. As they wait, the Frankenstein monster comes up behind them and works his way along the queue, killing each member as he goes.The monster has just reached the stockbroker who has not seen him when the bus arrives and the stockbroker gets on, just in time.all the other passengers are uniformed soldiers. The bus drives along a road past explosions and gunfire.A hand grenade comes through the window and lands on the seat next to the stockbroker. The soldiers leave the bus rapidly; the stockbroker calmly leaves the bus and walks down the street, in which the soldiers are engaging in a pitched battle. The stockbroker hails a taxi; it stops but no driver is visible!a secretary is dead across her typewriter with a knife in her back; at the back of the office a pair of legs swing gently from the ceiling; a couple are snogging at his desk.Unconcerned, the stockbroker sits down.Furtively he looks round, then takes from the desk drawer a comic book entitled 'Thrills and Adventure'.We see the frames of the comic strip. A Superman type character and a girl are shrinking from an explosion. She is saying 'My God, he's just exploded with enough force to destroy his Kleenex. In the next frame, the Superman character is saying 'If only I had a Kleenex to lend him or even a linen handkerchief but these trousers!! No back pocket!'In the frame beneath, Superman flies from side to side attempting to escape; finally he breaks through, bringing the two frames above down on himself. Cut to a picture of a safety curtain.Coming right up , so don't move!Yes well. I think it .., begins in a minute.Me heap big fan Cicely Courtneidge.She fine actress she make interpretation heap subtle she heap good diction and timing she make part really live for Indian brave.Yes yes she's marvelousMy father Chief Running Stag leader of mighty Redfoot tribe him heap keen on Michael Denison and Dulcie Gray.When moon high over prairie when wolf howl over mountain, when mighty wind roar through Yellow Valley, we go Leatherhead Rep block booking, upper circle whole tribe get it on 3/6d each.That's very good.Stage Manager, Stan Wilson, heap good friend Redfoot tribe. After show we go pow wow speakum with director, Sandy Camp, in snug bar of Bell and Compasses. Him mighty fine director. Him heap famous.Oh I don't know him myself.Him say Leatherhead Rep like do play with Redfoot tribe.Oh that's goodWe do 'Dial M for Murder'. Chief Running Elk him kill buffalo with bare hands, run thousand paces when the sun is high him play Chief Inspector Hardy heap good fine actor.You do a lot of acting do you?Yes. Redfoot tribe live by acting and hunting.You don't fight any more?Yes! Redfoot make war! When Chief Yellow Snake was leader, and Mighty Eagle was in land of forefather, we fight Pawnee at Oxbow Crossing. When Pawnee steal our rehearsal copies of 'Reluctant Debutante' we kill fifty Pawnee houses heap full every night. Heap good publicity.No, thank you very much.Ladies and gentlemen. Before the play starts, I would like to apologize to you all, but unfortunately Miss Cicely Courtneidge is unable to appear, owing toWhat's that dear?There's been another Indian massacre at Dorking Civic Theatre.About time too dear'Those who were left alive at the end got their money back'.That's what live theatre needs a few more massacres'The police are anxious to speak to anyone who saw the crime, ladies with large breasts, or just anyone who likes policemen.'Remember policemen make wonderful friends. So write today and take advantage of our free officer. Thank you. And now for the next sketch.A Scotsman on a horse.For Mrs. Emma Hamilton of Nelson, a Scotsman on a horse.Good morning boys.Good morning Mr. Saltzberg.Thank you. Thank you.Oh sit down! Sit down! Sit down! There'll be plenty of time for that later on. Now boys, here's my ideaIt's great!Oh well you haven't told us what it is yetWHAT!?What do you like?What do you like?I I I agree with them.Think of the colors!And in the snow, I see a tree!Wait, wait I haven't finished yet.There's more?And by this tree, gentlemen, I see a dog!Olé!And gentlemen, this dog goes up to the tree, and he piddles on it.Hallelujah!Have we got a movie!He tells it the way it is!It's where it's at!This is something else!It's out of sight!Yeah, yeah, I promise I .like itSir, I don't know how to say this but I got to be perfectly frank. I really and truly believe this story of yours is the greatest story in motion picture history.Get out!What?Well IJust because I have an idea it doesn't mean it's great. It could be lousy.It could?Yeah! What d'ya think?It's lousy.Well I think it's an excellent idea.Are you a yes man?No, no, no, I mean there may be things against it.You think it's lousy, huh?No, no, I mean it takes time.We dropped our pencils.Pencil droppers, eh?No, no, no, no, no!Has he had a heart attack?ErIf there's one thing I can't stand, it's people who have heart attacks.Well, what do you think?Oh! Eh! You didn't ask me you asked him. He didn't ask me, he asked him. No, him.I've changed my mind. I'm asking you, the one in the middle.The one in the middle?I'm thinking.Come on!Splunge.Did he say splunge?Yes.What does splunge mean?It means it's a great idea but possibly not and I'm not being indecisive!Er. Splunge?OKYeah. Splunge for me too.So all three of you think splunge, huh?Yes!Er Good evening.Splunge?Good evening. Tonight we're going to take a hard tough abrasive look at camel spotting. Hello.Hello Peter.Now tell me, what exactly are you doing?Er well, I'm camel spotting. I'm spotting to see if there are any camels that I can spot, and put them down in my camel spotting book.Good. And how many camels have you spotted so far?Oh, well so far Peter, up to the present moment, I've spotted nearly, ooh, nearly one.Nearly one?Er, call it none.Fine. And er how long have you been here?Three years.So, in, er, three years you've spotted no camels?Yes in only three years. Er, I tell a lie, four, be fair, five. I've been camel spotting for just the seven years. Before that of course I was a Yeti Spotter.A Yeti Spotter, that must have been extremely interesting.Oh, it was extremely interesting, very, very quite it was dull; dull, dull, dull, oh God it was dull. Sitting in the Waterloo waiting room. Course once you've seen one Yeti you've seen them all.And have you seen them all?Well I've seen one. Well a little one a picture of a I've heard about them.Well, now tell me, what do you do when you spot a camel?Er, I take its number.Camels don't have numbers.Ah, well you've got to know where to look. Er, they're on the side of the engine above the piston box.What?Ah of course you've got to make sure it's not a dromedary. 'Cos if it's a dromedary it goes in the dromedary book.Well how do you tell if it's a dromedary?Ah well, a dromedary has one hump and a camel has a refreshment car, buffet, and ticket collector.Mr. Sopwith, aren't you in fact a train Spotter?What?Don't you in fact spot trains?Oh, you're no fun anymore.Oh, you're no fun anymore. thirty nine forty. All right, cut him down, Mr. Fuller.Oh you're no fun anymore.Now if anybody else pinches my phrase I'll throw them under a camel.Lady Chairman, sir, shareholders, ladies and gentlemen. I have great pleasure in announcing that owing to a cutback on surplus expenditure of twelve million Canadian dollars, plus a refund of seven and a half million Deutschmarks from the Swiss branch, and in addition adding the debenture preference stock of the three and three quarter million to the directors' reserve currency account of seven and a half million, plus an upward expenditure margin of eleven and a half thousand lira, due to a rise in capital investment of ten million pounds, this firm last year made a complete profit of a shilling.A shilling Wilkins?Er, roughly, yes sir.Wilkins, I am the Chairman of a multi million pound corporation and you are a very new chartered Accountant. Isn't it possible there may have been some mistake?Well that's very kind of you sir, but I don't think I'm ready to be Chairman yet.Wilkins, Wilkins. This shilling, is it net or gross?It's British sir.Yes, has tax been paid on it?Yes, this is after tax. Owing to the rigorous bite of the income tax five pence of a further sixpence was swallowed up in tax.Five pence of a further sixpence?Five pence of a further sixpence?That's right sir.Then where is the other penny? Er.That makes you a penny short Wilkins. Where is it? Erm.Wilkins?What all of it?Yes all of it.You naughty person.It's my first. Please be gentle with me.I'm afraid it's my unpleasant duty to inform you that you're fired.Oh please, please.No, out!Yes, there's no place for sentiment in big business.I heard that. Who said that?No I didn't.Ooh!Right!Here is the address to complain to The Royal Frog Trampling Institute, 16 Rayners Lane, London, W.C. Fields. I'll just repeat thatTristram and Isolde Phillips, 7.30 Covent Garden Saturday near Sunday and afterwards at the lnigo Jones Fish Emporium.And they want to put the license fee up?And now here is a reminder about leaving your radio on during the night. Leave your radio on during the night.A little joke, a little jest. Nothing to worry about ladies and gentlemen. Now we've got some science fiction for you, some sci fi, something to send the shivers up your spine, send the creepy crawlies down your lager and limes. All the lads have contributed to it, it's a little number entitled, Science Fiction SketchRead all about it! Read all about it! Man turns into Scotsman!Mrs. Potter you knew Harold Potter quite well I believe?Oh yes quite well.Yes.He was my husband.Yes. And, er, he never showed any inclination towards being a Scotsman before this happened?He didn't wear a kilt or play the bagpipes?No, no.He never got drunk at night or bought home black puddings?No, no. Not at all.He didn't have an inadequate brain capacity?No, no, not at all.I see. So by your account Harold Potter was a perfectly ordinary Englishman without any tendency towards being a Scotsman whatsoever?Ah hah! Well that's it, you see. That's how it starts.I beg your pardon?CharlesDarlingCharlesDarling, darlingCharles there's something I've got to tell youWhat is it darling?It's daddy he's turned into a ScotsmanWhat! Mr. Llewellyn?Yes, Charles. Help me, please help me.But what can I do?Surely, Charles, you're the Chief Scientist at the Anthropological Research Institute, at Butley Down an expert in what makes people change from one nationality to another.Oh good.Now first of all, why would anyone turn into a Scotsman?No, no! Only because he has no control over his own destiny! Look I'll show youI see.Yes! So this means that some person or persons unknown is turning all these people into ScotsmenOh, what kind of heartless fiend could do that to a man?I don't know I don't know all I know is that these people are streaming north of the border at the rate of thousands every hour. If we don't act fast, Scotland will be choked with ScotsmenOoh!Soon Scotland was full of Scotsmen. The over crowding was pitiful.Three men to a caber.For the few who remained, life was increasingly difficult.Charles! Thank goodness I've found you! It's mummy!Hello mummy.No, no, mummy's turned into a ScotsmanOh how horrible Will they stop at nothing?I don't know do you think they will?I meant that rhetorically.What does rhetorically mean?It means, I didn't expect an answer.Oh I see. Oh, you're so clever, Charles.Did mummy say anything as she changed?Well, what was it?No It's just the incidental music for this scene.Oh I see'Them' Wait a minute!A whole minute?No, I meant that metaphorically 'Them' 'Them' She was obviously referring to the people who turned her into a Scotsman. If only we knew who 'They' were And why 'They' were doing it Who are 'Them'?Then suddenly a clue turned up in Scotland. Mr. Angus Podgorny, owner of a Dunbar menswear shop, received an order for 48,000,000 'kilts from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda.Angus how are y'going to get 48,000,000 kilts into the van?I'll have t'do it in two goes.D'you not ken that the Galaxy of Andromeda is two million, two hundred thousand light years away?Is that so?Aye and you've never been further than Berwick on TweedAye I think you ought not to go, Angus.Aye . . but he hasn't signed the order yet, has he?Who?Ach the man from Andromeda.Och well he wasna really a man, d'you ken Angus Podgorny, what do y'mean?He wasna so much a man as a blancmange!A blancmange, eh?Yes, that's fight. I was just having a game of doubles with Sandra and Jocasta, Alec and DavidHang on!What?There's five.What?Five people . . . how do you play doubles with five people?Ah, well we wereSounds a bit funny if you ask me playing doubles with five peopleWell we often play like that Jocasta plays on the side receiving serviceOh yes?Yes. It helps to speed the game up and make it a lot faster, and it means Jocasta isn't left out.Look, are you asking me to believe that the five of you was playing doubles, when on the very next court there was a blancmange playing by itself?.That's right, yes.Well answer me this then why didn't Jocasta play the blancmange at singles, while you and Sandra and Alec and David had a proper game of doubles with four people?Because Jocasta always plays with us. She's a friend of ours.Call that friendship? Messing up a perfectly good game of doubles?It's not messing it up, officer, we like to play with five.Look it's your affair if you want to play with five people but don't go calling it doubles. Look at Wimbledon, fight? If Fred Stolle and Tony Roche played Charlie Pasarell and Cliff Drysdale and Peaches Bartcowitz they wouldn't go calling it doubles.But what about the blancmange?That could play Ann Haydon Jones and her husband Pip.Oh, a blancmange gave you an order for 48,000,000 kilts?Aye!And you believed it?Aye, I did.Och, you're a stupid man, Angus Podgorny.Even if it's from a blancmange?Och, woman, if a blancmange is prepared to come 2,200,000 light years to purchase a kilt, they must be fairly keen on kilts. So cease yer prattling woman and get sewing. This could be the biggest breakthrough in kilts since the Provost of Edinburgh sat on a spike. Mary, we'll be rich! We'll be rich!Oh, but Angus he hasna given you an earnest of his good faith!What is it now?An entry form for the British Open Tennis Championships at Wimbledon Toon signed and seconded.Och, but Angus, ye ken full well that Scots folk dinna know how to play the tennis to save their lives.Aye, but I must go though dear, I dinna want to seem ungrateful.Ach! Angus, I wilna let you make a fool o'yoursel'.But I must.Och, no you'll not Oh, now this is where Mr. Podgorny could have saved his wife's life. If he'd gone to the police and told them that he'd been approached by unearthly beings from the Galaxy of Andromeda, we'd have sent a man round to investigate. As it was he did a deal with a blancmange, and the blancmange ate his wife. So if you're going out, or going on holiday, or anything strange happens involving other galaxies, just nip round to your local police station, and tell the sergeant on duty or his wife of your suspicions. And the same goes for dogs. So I'm sorry to have interrupted your exciting science fiction story but, then, crime's our business you know. So carry on viewing, and my thanks to the BBC for allowing me to have this little chat with you. Goodnight. God bless, look after yourselves.Aye I'll do my best, sergeant.Er, detective inspector.Yes, sir.Are you mad?No, sir.Good. His name's Riley Jack Riley He's that most rare of criminals a blancmange impersonator and cannibal.But what about the 48,000,000 kilts and the Galaxy of Andromeda?I'm afraid that's just one of his stories. You must understand that a blancmange impersonator and cannibal has to use some pretty clever stories to allay suspicion.Then you meanYes.ButHow?Yes.WellNot?I'm afraid so.Why?Who knows?Do you think?Could be.ButI know.She wasYes.It's an extra terrestrial being! Agggh!So, everyone in England is being turned into Scotsmen, right?Yes.Now, which is the wont tennis playing nation in the world?Er Australia.No. Try again.Australia?Oh, I thought you meant I'd said it badly.No, course you didn't say it badly. Now hurry.Er, Czechoslovakia.No! Scotland!Of course.Now now these blancmanges, apart from the one that killedhave all appeared in which London suburb?Finchley?No. Wimbledon Now do you begin to see the pattern? With what sport is Wimbledon commonly associated?With what sport is Wimbledon commonly associated?Cricket.No.No. Wimbledon is most commonly associated with tennis.Of course! Now I see!Yes, it all falls into place!'The blancmanges are really Australians trying to get the rights of the pelote rules from the Czech publishers!Yes. So these blancmanges, blancmange shaped creatures come from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda. They order 48,000,000 kilts from a Scottish menswear shop turn the population of England into Scotsmen well known as the worst tennis playing nation on Earth thus leaving England empty during Wimbledon fortnight! Empty during Wimbledon fortnight what's more the papers are full of reports of blancmanges appearing on tennis courts up and down the country practicing. This can only mean one thing!and caption on screen 'THEY MEAN TO WIN WIMBLEDON'They mean to win Wimbledon. Jarring chord.And it's blancmange to serve and it's a good one.Blurb blurble blurb.Fifteen love.OAnd Podgorny fails to even hit the ball but this is no surprise as he hasn't hit the ball once throughout this match. So it's 72 match points to the blancmange now Podgorny prepares to serve again.This is indeed a grim day for the human race, Dan.But what's this? Two spectators have rushed onto the pitch with spoons and forks what are they going to do?They mean to eat the blancmange.And they're eating the blancmange Yes! The blancmange is leaving the court it's abandoning the game! This is fantastic!Yes it was Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Brainsample, who, after only a brief and misleading appearance in the early part of the film, returned to save the Earth but why?Oh, well you see we love blancmanges. My wife makes them.She makes blancmanges that size?Oh, yes. You see we're from the planet Skyron in the Galaxy of Andromeda, and they're all that size there. We tried to tell you at the beginning of the film but you just panned off us.So the world was saved! And Angus Podgomy became the first Scotsman to win Wimbledon fifteen years later.In 1943, a group of British Army Officers working deep behind enemy lines, carried out one of the most dangerous and heroic raids in the history of warfare. But that's as maybe. And now . . .Come in, what do you want?I'd like to leave the army please, sir.Good heavens man, why?It's dangerous.What?There are people with guns out there, sir.What?Real guns, sir. Not toy ones, sir. Proper ones, sir. They've all got 'em. All of 'em, sir. And some of 'em have got tanks.Watkins, they are on our side.And grenades, sir. And machine guns, sir. So I'd like to leave, sir, before I get killed, please.Watkins, you've only been in the army a day.I know sir but people get killed, properly dead, sir, no barley cross fingers, sir. A bloke was telling me, if you're in the army and there's a war you have to go and fight.That's true.Well I mean, blimey, I mean if it was a big war somebody could be hurt.Watkins why did you join the army?For the water skiing and for the travel, sir. And not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir no killing.Watkins are you a pacifist?No sir, I'm not a pacifist, sir. I'm a coward.That's a very silly line. Sit down.Awfully bad.Two civilian gentlemen to see you sir!Show them in please, sergeant.Mr. Dino Vercotti and Mr. Luigi Vercotti.Good morning, Colonel.Good morning gentlemen. Now what can I do for you.Yes.We wouldn't want anything to happen to it.What?Oh.Oh sorry, Colonel.Well don't worry about that. But please do sit down.No, we prefer to stand, thank you, Colonel.All right. All right. But what do you want?What do we want, ha ha ha.Ha ha ha, very good, Colonel.The Colonel's a joker, Luigi.Explain it to the Colonel, Dino.How many tanks you got, Colonel?About five hundred altogether.Five hundred! Hey!You ought to be careful, co1onel.We arc careful, extremely careful.'Cos things break, don't they?Break?Oh see my brother's clumsy Colonel, and when he gets unhappy he breaks things. Like say, he don't feel the army's playing fair by him, he may start breaking things, Colonel.What is all this about?How many men you got here, Colonel?Oh, er seven thousand infantry, six hundred artillery, and er, two divisions of paratroops.Paratroops, Dino.Be a shame if someone was to set fire to them.Set fire to them?Fires happen, Colonel.Things burn.Look, what is all this about?My brother and I have got a little proposition for you Colonel.Could save you a lot of bother.I mean you're doing all right here aren't you, Colonel.Well suppose some of your tanks was to get broken and troops started getting lost, er, fights started breaking out during general inspection, like.It wouldn't be good for business would it, Colonel?Are you threatening me?Oh, no, no, no.Whatever made you think that, Colonel?The Colonel doesn't think we're nice people, Luigi.We're your buddies, Colonel.We want to look after you.Look after me?We can guarantee you that not a single armored division will get done over for fifteen bob a week.No, no, no.Twelve and six.No, no, no.Eight and six five bobNo, no this is silly.What's silly?No, the whole premise is silly and it's very badly written. I'm the senior officer here and I haven't had a funny line yet. So I'm stopping it.You can't do that!I've done it. The sketch is over.I want to leave the army please sir, it's dangerous.Not true, not true. It's time for the cartoon. Cue telecine, ten, nine, eightWhat a terrible joke!and superimposed caption 'BUT THERE LET US LEAVE THE ART CRITIC TO STRANGLE HIS WIFE AND MOVE ON TO PASTURES NEW'Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please.Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.Thank you.Mr. Verity!Can I help you, sir?Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty pounds.Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.Eight hundred pounds?Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr. Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.I see.Otherwise he's perfectly all right.I see. Er your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.I see. And how wide is it?It's sixty feet wide.Yesand the length?The length is er just a moment. Mr. Lambert, what is the length of the Comfidown Majorette?Ah. Two foot long.Two foot long?Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr. Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.I see, I'm sorry.But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in fact sixty foot long, all right?Yes, I see.That's without the mattress, of course.How much is that?Er, Mr. Lambert will be able to tell you that. Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr. Lambert, because if you say 'mattress' he puts a bucket* over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels, please, Hm?Dog kennels?Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm.Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS.No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Mr. Verity said thatOh dear, what's he been telling you now?Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying 'mattresses'.Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?approaching Did you say 'mattress'?Well, yes, erI did *ask* you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?But I mean, erOh.Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.Oh.walking up, hearing the singing Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr. Lambert?Yes, I did.He should be all right now, but don'tyou know*don't*!No, no. to Lambert Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?Mattresses?But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'?nervously Ha ha, I meanI mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you want a mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'?But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'.*Twice*!It's not working, we need more!I'm sorry, can I help you?But it's my only line!!!Hello, are you a hermit by any chance?Second Hermit Yes that's right. Are you a hermit?Yes, I certainly am.Second Hermit Well I never. What are you getting away from?Oh you 'know, the usual people, chat, gossip, you know.Oh I certainly do it was the same with me. I mean there comes a time when you realize there's no good frittering your life away in idleness and trivial chit chat. Where's your cave?Oh, up the goat track, first on the left.Second Hermit Oh they're very nice up there aren't they?Yes they are, I've got a beauty.A bit draughty though, aren't they?No, we've had ours insulated.Oh yes.Yes, I used birds' nests, moss and oak leaves round the outside.Oh, sounds marvelous.Oh it's a treat, it really is, 'cos otherwise those stone caves can be so grim.Yes they really can be, can't they? They really can.Oh yes.Morning Frank.Morning Norman. Talking of moss, er you know Mr. Robinson?With the, er, green loin cloth?Er no, that's Mr. Seagrave. Mr. Robinson's the hermit who lodges with Mr. Seagrave.Oh I see, yes.Yes well he's put me onto wattles.Really?Yes. Swears by them. Yes.Morning Frank.Morning Lionel. Well he says that moss tends to fall off the cave walls during cold weather. You know you might get a really bad spell and half the moss drops off the cave wall, leaving you cold.Oh well, Mr. Robinson's cave's never been exactly nirvana has it?Well, quite, that's what I mean. Anyway, Mr. Rogers, he's the, er, hermit on the end.. .. up at the top, yes. Well he tried wattles and he came out in a rash.Really?Yes, and there's me with half a wall wattled, I mean what'll I do?Well why don't you try birds' nests like I've done? Or else, dead bracken.Yes Han.Can I borrow your goat?Still there's one thing about being a hermit, at least you meet people.Oh yes, I wouldn't go back to public relations.Oh well, bye for now Frank, must toddle.Right, you two hermits, stop that sketch. I think it's silly.Second Hermit What?It's silly.Second Hermit What do you mean, you can't stop it it's on film.That doesn't make any difference to the viewer at home, does it? Come on, get out. Out. Come on out, all of you. Get off, go on, all of you. Go on, move, move. Go on, get out. Come on, get out, move, move.'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.'Ello, Miss?What do you mean miss?We're closin' for lunch.Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian BlueWhat's,uhWhat's wrong with it?I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!No, no, 'e's uh,he's resting.Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!There, he moved!No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!I never!!Yes, you did!I never, never did anythingNow that's what I call a dead parrot.No, no..No, 'e's stunned!STUNNED?!?Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.Umnow looknow look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.Well, he'she's, ahprobably pining for the fjords.PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!VOOM?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't voom if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!No no! 'E's pining!'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX PARROT!!I see. I see, I get the picture.Pray, does it talk?Nnnnot really.WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?Well.quietly D'you. d'you want to come back to my place?looks around Yeah, all right, sure.sweet as sugar Pray, does it talk?Nnnnot really.WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.Bolton, eh? Very well.This is Bolton, is it?I wish to complain, British Railways Person.I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!I beg your pardon?I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 150 lines, you know.Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.No, this is Bolton.Can't blame British Rail for that.In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!I understand this IS Bolton.You told me it was Ipswitch!It was a pun.No, nonot a punWhat's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?Yeah, that's it!It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob!! It don't work!!Well, what do you want?I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!to the audience Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be a lumberjack!This is a frightened city. Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear. Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city. Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking defenseless fit young men.Well they come up to you, like, and push you shove you off the pavement, like. There's usually four or five of them.Yeah, this used to be a nice neighborhood before the old ladies started moving in. Nowadays some of us daren't even go down to the shops. 'Well Mr. Johnson's son Kevin, he don't go out any more. He comes back from wrestling and locks himself in his room.What are they in it for, these old hoodlums, these layabouts in lace?favorite targets for the old ladies are telephone kiosks.Yes, well of course they come here for the two o'clock matinee, all the old bags out in there, especially if it's something like 'The Sound of Music'. We get seats ripped up, hearing aids broken, all that sort of thing.Oh well we sometimes feel we're to blame in some way for what our gran's become. I mean she used to be happy here until she, she started on the crochet.Yeah. Now she can't do without it. Twenty balls of wool a day, sometimes. If she can't get the wool she gets violent. What can we do about it?But this is not just an old ladies' town. There are other equally dangerous gangs such as the baby snatchers.I just left my husband out here while I went in to do some shopping and I came back and he was gone. He was only forty seven.And on the road too, vicious gangs of keep left signs.I've heard of unisex but I've never had it.Llamas are larger than frogs.Llamas are dangerous, so if you see one where people are swimming, you shoutLook out, there are llamas!And now for something completely different A Man with a Tape Recorder up his Nose.And now for something completely different a man with a tape recorder up his noseAnd now a film about a man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.And now in stereoNext please.There is only me, sir.Seat?Yes.Yes, I'd very much like to, sir.There is only me, sir.putting hand over eye and looking both at Bob and to Bob's right Well bang goes his application then. he tears up form Now let me fill you in. I'm leading this expedition and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.I thought there was only one peak, sir.Last year's expedition?Well, sirYes, you first.There is only me, sir.Well I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.Arthur Wilson.Are you actually leading this expedition sir?Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa.And what routes will you both be taking?Does anyone speak Swahili, sir?Oh, yes I think most of them do down there.Does anyone in our party speak Swahili sir?Oh, well Matron's got a smattering.Apart from the two Matrons Good God, I'd forgotten about her.Apart from them, who else is coming on the expedition, sir?Well we've got the Arthur Brown twins, two botanists called Machin, the William Johnston brothers Two of them?No four of them, a pair of identical twins and a couple of the Ken Spinoza quads the other two pulled out. And of course you two.And none of these are mountaineers?He'll be leading the first assault.Well I'm afraid I shan't be coming on your expedition sir, as I've absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it.So are we.Morning.How how would you like it, sir?Just short back and sides please.How do you do that?Well it's just ordinary short back and sidesYou wouldn't rather just have it combed, would you sir?I beg your pardon?You wouldn't rather forget all about it?No, no, no, I want it cut.All right, fine, yes.Excuse me, erWhat?Where it says 'next of kin' shall I put 'mother'?Yes, yes yes.Thank you.Right!Ha, ha, ha there, I've finished.What?I've finished cutting cutting cutting your hair. It's all done,You haven't started cutting it!I have! I did it very quickly your honor sir.,. sirYes, yes, I will, I'm going to cut your hair, sir. I'm going to start cutting your hair, sir, start cutting now!Nice day, sir,Yes, flowers could do with a drop of rain though, eh?Yes. Good game. I thought.Oh yes yes he was the only one who did though.Call you put your head down a little, sir.No no I didn't feel a thing.Look, what's going on?Yes, it's a nice spot, isn't it.Look, I came here for a haircut!Right, that's the lot then.I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay. I sleep all night. I work all day.He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day.I cut down trees. I eat my lunch. I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shoppin' And have buttered scones for tea.He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch. He goes to the lavatory. On Wednesdays he goes shopping. And has buttered scones for tea. He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day.I cut down trees. I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing, And hang around in bars.He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps. He likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing And hangs around in bars?! He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day.I cut down trees. I wear high heels, Suspendies, and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear Mama.I He cuts down trees. I He wears high heels, Suspendies, and a bra?!I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear Mama!He can't come!Never mind, it's not all it's cracked up to be. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Ken Buddha and his inflatable knees.Ken Buddha, a smile, two bangs and a religion. Now ladies and gentlemen, for your further entertainment, Brian Islam and Brucie.So anyway, I became a barber.Yes, pity really, I always preferred the outdoor life. Hunting, shooting, fishing. Getting out there with a gun, slaughtering a few of God's creatures that was the life. Charging about the moorland, blasting their heads off.I'm sorry, we don't need you this week.And now for something completely different.Would you mind terribly if I hold your hand?Oh no, no, not at all.Oh Iris, you're so very beautiful.Oh, do you really mean that?I do, I do, I do. I think I'm beginning to fall in love with you.Oh Victor.It's silly isn't it?No, no, not at all dear sweet Victor.No I didn't mean that. Only just us being so close together for so many months in the soft toy department and yet never daring toOh, oh Victor.Oh, well you try and get rid of them.Yes I will, I will.Hello!Hello.Remember me?No I'mIn the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago?No, I don't I'm afraid.Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening.ReallyEr, no, actually.Oh, I get the picture. Eh? Well don't worry about me Vicky boy, I know all about one night stands.I beg your pardon?Look, look, we put that on.Here's a good one, I heard it in a pub. What's brown, what's brown and sounds like a bell?I beg your pardon?Who the hellI'll get it. It'll be friends of mine. I took the liberty of inviting them along.Look, we were hoping to have a quiet evening on our own.Oh, they won't mind. They're very broad minded. Hello!Hello, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haThere must have been some kind of misunderstanding, because this is not theWho's that then?What?Who's the bird?I'mNow look here Big gin please.I'll get it.And three tins of beans for me please.I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!I only want three cans.It was rather witty, wasn't it? Where's my gin?Who the hell's that?Oh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along, as his wife has just passed away, and he's somewhat distraught poor chap. I hope you don't mind.Oh? My God, what a simply ghastly place.Aaaagh! Boo boo hooo.I've asked along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up outside the Odeon.Is he sexy?I had to bring the goat, he's not well. I only hope he don't go on the carpet.Blimey, she don't go much do she.Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oooooh! I've wet 'emThe goat's just done a bundle.Look, get out all of you. Go on. Get out! Get out!I beg your pardon?I'm turning you all out. I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts, now look, I'm giving you just hall' a minute then I'm going to call the police, so get out.Ooh. Ooh.Oh, what is it dear?It's from the BBC. They want to know if I want to he in a sketch on telly.Oooh. That's nice.What? It's acting innit?Yes.Well I'm a plumber. I can't act.Oh, you never know till you try. Look at Mrs. Brando's son next door. He was mending the fridge when they came and asked him to be the Wild One. What do they want you to do?Well, they just want me to stand at a counter, and when the sketch starts I go out.Oh, that sounds nice. It's what they call a walk on.Walk on? That's a walk off, that's what this is.I don't know, he should have been here hours ago.He bloody should have been.Well what else does it say?It just says 'We would like you to be in a sketch. You are standing at a counter. When the sketch starts you go off. Yours faithfully, Lord Hill.'Oh well, you'd better be off then.Yeah, well, what about the cat?Oh I'll look after the cat. Goodness me, Mrs. Newman's eldest never worried about the cat when he went off to do 'The Sweet Bird of Youth'.All right then, all right. Bye. Bye dear.Bye bye, and mind you don't get seduced.Oh, it'll make a change from plumbing. Dad! Franks got a television part.You missed him.Good morning, I am a bank robber. Er, please don't panic, just hand over all your money.Fine, fine, fine, fine. No large piles of money in sales?No, sir.No deposit accounts?No sir.No piles of cash in easy to carry bags?None at all sir.No luncheon vouchers?No, sir.Fine, fine. Well, um adopt, adapt and improve. Just a pair of knickers then please.Well, that was a bit of fun, wasn't it? Ha, ha, ha, and a good evening to you! Not just an ordinary good evening like you get from all other announcers, but a special good evening from me to you. Well, what have we got next? This is fun, isn't it? Look. I'm sorry if I'm interrupting anything that any of you may be doing at home, but I want you to think of me as an old queen. Friend, ha, ha, ha. Well, let's see what we've got next. In a few moments, 'It's a Tree', and in the chair as usual is Arthur Tree, and starring in the show will be a host of star guests as his guest stars, and then, at 9.30, we've got another rollicking half hour of laughter packed squalor with 'Yes, It's the Sewage Farm Attendants'. And this week, Dan falls into a vat of human dung with hilarious consequences. Ha, ha, ha. But now, it's the glittering world of show business with Arthur Tree.Hello. Hello people, and welcome to 'It's a Tree'. We have some really exciting guests for you this evening a fabulous spruce, back from a tour of Holland; three gum trees making their first appearance in this country; Scots pine and the conifers, and Elm Tree Bole there you go; can't be bad an exciting new American plank, a rainforest and a bucket of sawdust giving their views on teenage violence, and an unusual guest for this program, a piece of laminated plastic.Hi there!But first, will you please, please welcome a block of wood!applauseWell, Block, nice to have you on the show again.Well, er, thanks, Tree. I've got to pay the rent.laughinglaughingHa, ha, ha, ha. Super. Well, what have you been doing, Block?Well, I've just been starring in several major multi million dollar international films, and, during breaks on the set, I've been designing a cathedral, doing unpublicized work for charity, er, finishing my history of the world, of course, pulling the birds, er, photographing royalty on the loo, averting World War Three can't be bad and, er, learning to read.The full Renaissance bit, really. Super. Super. Well, I've got to stop you there, Block, I'm afraid, because we've got someone who's been doing cabaret in the New Forest. From America, will you please welcome a Chippendale writing desk!Thank you, Mr. Tree. And I'd like to do a few impersonations of some of my favorite Englishmen. First off, Long John Sliver.Augh, Jim boy. Augh. And now, Edward Heath. Hello sailor. Now, a short scene from a play by Harold Splinter.Wasn't that just great, ladies and gentlemen? Wait a minute. We've got something else I just know you're going to love.Yes, sir. Coming right up the Vocational Guidance Counselor sketch.Ah Mr. Anchovy. Do sit down.Thank you. Take the weight off the feet, eh?Yes, yes.Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say.Enough of this gay banter. And now Mr. Anchovy, you asked us to advise you which job in life you were best suited for.That is correct, yes.Well I now have the results here of the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week, and from them we've built up a pretty clear picture of the sort of person that you are. And 1 think I can say, without fear of contradiction, that the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy.But I am a chartered accountant.Jolly good. Well back to the office with you then.No! No! No! You don't understand. I've been a chartered accountant for the last twenty years. I want a new job. Something exciting that will let me live.Well chartered accountancy is rather exciting isn't it?Exciting? No it's not. It's dull. Dull. Dull. My God it's dull, it's so desperately dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and des per ate ly DULL.Well, er, yes Mr. Anchovy, but you see your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humor, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.But don't you see, I came here to find a new job, a new life, a new meaning to my existence. Can't you help me?Well, do you have any idea of what you want to do?Yes, yes I have.What?boldly Lion taming.Well yes. Yes. Of course, it's a bit of a jump isn't it? I mean, er, chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go. You don't think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion taming, say, via banking'No, no, no, no. No. I don't want to wait. At nine o'clock tomorrow I want to be in there, taming.Fine, fine. But do you, do you have any qualifications?Yes, I've got a hat.A hat?'Yes, a hat. A lion taming hat. A hat with 'lion tamer' on it. I got it at Harrods. And it lights up saying 'lion tamer' in great big neon letters, so that you can tame them after dark when they're less stroppy.I see, I see.And you can switch it off during the day time, and claim reasonable wear and tear as allowable professional expenses under paragraph 335CYes, yes, yes, I do follow, Mr. Anchovy, but you see the snag is if I now call Mr. Chipperfield and say to him, 'look here, I've got a forty five year old chartered accountant with me who wants to become a lion tamer', his first question is not going to be 'does he have his own hat?' He's going to ask what sort of experience you've had with lions.Well I I've seen them at the zoo.Good, good, good.Lively brown furry things with short stumpy legs and great long noses. I don't know what all the fuss is about, I could tame one of those. They look pretty tame to start with.And these, er, these lions how high are they?Really. And do these lions eat ants?Yes, that's right.Er, well, Mr. Anchovy I'm afraid what you've got hold of there is an anteater.A what?An anteater. Not a lion. You see a lion is a huge savage beast, about five feet high, ten feet long, weighing about four hundred pounds, running forty miles per hour, with masses of sharp pointed teeth and nasty long razor sharp claws that can rip your belly open before you can say 'Eric Robinson', and they look like this.Time enough I think for a piece of wood.The larch.Now, shall I call Mr. Chipperfield?Er, no, no, no. I think your idea of making the transition to lion taming via easy stages, say via insuranceOr banking.Or banking, yes, yes, banking that's a man's life, isn't it? Banking, travel, excitement, adventure, thrills, decisions affecting people's lives.Jolly good, well, er, shall I put you in touch with a bank?Yes.Fine.The League for Fighting Chartered Accountancy, 55 Lincoln House, Basil Street, London, SW3.Oh, well that was fun wasn't it?No it wasn't, you fairy.sarcastically Oh, hello sailor,Here, you wouldn't have got on one of our voyages they were all dead butch.There is an epic quality about the sea which has throughout history stirred the hearts and minds of Englishmen of all nations. Sir Francis Drake, Captain Webb, Nelson of Trafalgar and Scott of the Antarctic all rose to the challenge of the mighty ocean. And today another Englishman may add his name to the golden roll of history Mr. Ron Obvious of Neaps End. For today, Ron Obvious hopes to be the first man to jump the Channel·Ron, now let's just get this quite clear you're intending to jump across the English Channel?Oh yes, that is correct, yes.And, er, just how far is that?Oh, well it's twenty six miles from here to Calais.Er, that's to the beach at Calais?Well, no, no, provided I get a good lift off and maybe a gust of breeze over the French coast, I shall be jumping into the centre of Calais itself.Ron are you using any special techniques to jump this great distance?Oh no, no. I shall be using an ordinary two footed jump, er, straight up in the air and across the Channel.I see. Er, Ron, what is the furthest distance that you've jumped, er, so far?Er, oh, eleven foot six inches at Motspur Park on July 22nd. Er, but I have done nearly twelve feet unofficially.I see. Er, Ron, Ron, Ron, aren't you worried Ron, aren't you worried jumping twenty six miles across the sea?Oh, well no, no, no, no. It is in fact easier to jump over sea than over dry land.Well how is that?Er, well my manager explained it to me. You see if you're five miles out over the English Channel, with nothing but sea underneath you, er, there is a very great impetus to say in the air.I see. Well, er, thank you very much Ron and the very best of luck.Thank you. Thank you.Er, no, we're from the BBC, Mr. Vercotti.Who?The BBC.Oh, oh. I see. I thought, I thought you were the er . .. I like the police a lot, I've got a lot of time for them.Mr. er, Mr. Vercotti, what is your chief task as Ron's manager?Well my main task is, er, to fix a sponsor for the big jump.And who is the sponsor?The Chippenham Brick Company. Ah, they, er, pay all the bills, er, in return for which Ron will be carrying half a hundredweight of their bricks.No. No. I'm taking him off the jumps, Er, because I've got something lined up for Ron next week that I think is very much more up his street.Er, what's that?Er, Ron is going to eat Chichester Cathedral.Well, there he goes, Ron Obvious of Neaps End, in an attempt which could make him the first man ever to eat an entire Anglican Cathedral.Java.Yeah, er, I, I personally think this is going to make Ron a household name overnight.And how far has he got?Er, well, he's quite far now, Dave, well on the way. Well on the way, yeah.Well where is he exactly?Yeah.Where?Oh, er, well, er, you know, it's difficult to say exactly. He's er, you know, in the area of er, Ron, how far have you got?Yeah well keep digging lad, keep digging.Mr. Vercotti are you sure there isn't a spade?Er, Mr. Vercotti, what do you say to people who accuse you of exploiting Ron for your own purposes?Well, it's totally untrue, David. Ever since I left Sicily I've been trying to do the best for Ron. I know what Ron wants to do, I believe in him and I'm just trying to create the opportunities for Ron to do the kind of things he wants to do.And what's he going to do today?The only difficult bit for Ron is getting out of the Earth's atmosphere. Er, once he's in orbit he'll be able to run straight to Mercury.I am now extremely hopeful that Ron will break the world record for remaining underground. He's a wonderful boy this, he's got this really enormous talent, this really huge talent.Good morning, I'd like to buy a cat.no, I want a cat really.Well, it's as near as dammit.Well what do you mean? I want a cat.Listen, tell you what. I'll file its legs down a bit, take its snout out, stick a few wires through its cheeks. There you are, a lovely pussy cat.Its not a proper cat.What do you mean?Well it wouldn't meow.Well it would howl a bit.No, no, no, no. Er, have you got a parrot?how long would that take?No, I'm still putting a tuck in the Airedale, and then I got the frogs to let out.Friday?No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present.Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion Tell you what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good You'd need a very big tank.It's a great conversation piece.Yes, all right, all right but, er, only if I can watch.Here what was that picture?Eric That's right, yes.Er, do take a seat.Now could you tell us roughly why you want to become a librarian?Er, well, I've had a certain amount of experience running a library at school.Yes, yes. What sort of experience?Er, well for a time I ran the Upper Science Library.Yes, yes. Now Mr. Phipps, you do realize that the post of librarian carries with it certain very important responsibilities. I mean, there's the selection of books, the record library, and the art gallery. Now it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is your lack of professional experience coupled with the fact that, urn, being a gorilla, you would tend to frighten people.Yes he is.Well why didn't it say on his form that he's a gorilla?Well, you see applicants are not required to fill in their species.What was that picture?Sh! Mr. Phipps, what is your attitude toward censorship in a public library?How do you mean, sir?Well I mean for instance, would you for instance stock 'Last Exit to Brooklyn' or 'Groupie'?Yes, I think so.Good.Yes, well, that seems to me to be very sensible Mr. Phipps. I can't pretend that this library hasn't had its difficulties Mr. Robertson, your predecessor, an excellent librarian, savaged three people last week and had to be destroyed.I'm sorry sir.Oh, no, don't be sorry. You see, I don't believe that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, and that's been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.And also, they're much more permissive. Pumas keep Hank Janson on open shelvesI don't think I can sir.Why not?I.. I'm not really a gorillaEh?I'm a librarian in a skin Why this deception?Well, they said it was the best way to get the job.Dear David Jacobs, East Grinstead, Friday. Why should I have to pay sixty four guineas each year for my television license when I can buy one for six. Yours sincerely, Captain R. H. Pretty. PS Support Rhodesia, cut motor taxes, save the Argylls, running in please pass.Dear Old Codgers, some friends of mine and I have formed a consortium, and working with sophisticated drilling equipment, we have discovered extensive nickel deposits off Western Scodand. The Cincinnatti Mining Company.Good for you, ma'am.Dear Old Codgers, I am President of the United States of America, Yours truly, R. M. Nixon.Phew! Bet that's a job and a half, ma'am.Dear Sir, I am over three thousand years old and would like to see any scene with two people in bed.Bet that's a link ma'am.Vera Vera darling! Wake up my little lemon. Come to my arms.Maurice! What are you doing here?I could not keep away from you. I must have you all the time.Oh this is most inconvenient.Don't talk to me about convenience, love consumes my naughty mind, I'm delirious with desire.What's that, Vera?Oh noticing, dear. Just a trick of the light.Phew! That was close.Now then my little banana, my little fruit salad, I can wait for you no longer. You must be mine utterly Oh, Maurice!Vera! How dare you!Roger!What's the meaning of this?Oh I can explain everything, my darling!Who is this?This is Maurice Zatapathique Roger Thompson Roger Thompsnn Maurice Zatapathique.How do you do.Vera! Don't you understand, it's me that loves you.What's happening, Vera?Oh, nothing dear. Just a twig brushing against the window.Come to me Vera!Oh not now, Roger.Vera, my little hedgehog! Don't turn me away!Oh it cannot be, Maurice.Oh Ken, Ken Biggles!Yes, Algy's here as well.Algy Braithwaite?Oh Biggles! Algy. Oh, but how wonderful!What's happening, Vera?Oh, er, nothing dear. It's just the toilet filling up.Yes right and right again.Muchas graciasRighto.Oh Vera you remember Acapulco in the Springtime Oh. The Herman Rodrigues Four!Oh no, dear it was just the electric blanket switching off.Hm. Well I'm going for a tinkle.Oh no you can't do that. Here, we haven't finished the sketch yet!Dash it all, there's only another bally page.I say. There's no one to react to.Don't talk to the camera.Oh sorry.Here it's no good you coming in He's gone and left the sketch.Yes, he went for a tinkle.Sh! I think my wife is beginning to suspect somethingI thought that ending was a bit predictable.That's it let's get out of this show before it's too lateHave you finished in there yet?Dear Sir, I object strongly to the obvious lavatorial turn this show has already taken. Why do we never hear about the good things in Britain, like Mary Bignall's wonderful jump in 1964? Yours etc., Ken Voyeur.Dear Sir, I object strongly to the obvious athletic turn this show has now taken. Why can't we hear more about the human body? There is nothing embarrassing or nasty about the human body except for the intestines and bits of the bottom.Dear Sir, I object strongly to the letters on your program. They are clearly not written by the general public and are merely included for a cheap laugh. Yours sincerely etc., William Knickers.1348. The Black Death, typhus, cholera, consumption, bubonic plague.Ah, those were the daysNow I'm I'm Now I'm not prepared to go on with this, unless these interruptions cease. All fight? Right. The devastating effect of these, emThis house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No, I must ask nobody no, I must ask everybody to I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave. I I ask the room shall by someone be left. Not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room as it is with them in it. Phew. Understand?You don't want anybody to leave the room.Tiger?Why not?Elementary. Since the body was found in this room, and no one has left it. Therefore the murderer must be somebody in this room.What body?Now for Sir Gerald.Look, there hasn't been a murder.No murder.No.By jove, he was right.This house is surrounded. I must ask that no one leave the room. I'm Chief Superintendent Lookout.Look out?Why, what would we see?I'm sorry?What would we see if we look out of the yard?All right all right, the house is surrounded and nobody leave the room and all the rest of it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.Theresamanbehindyer?Ah, you're not going to catch me with an old one like that. Right let's reconstruct the crime. Constable you be Inspector Tiger.Right, sir. Nobody leave the room ask shall somebody I leave nobody in the room body shall, take the tablets Tigerbody. Alself me to my duce introlow left body in the roomself.Nobody move! I'm Chief Constable Fire.Fire! Where?We're interrupting this sketch but we'll be bringing you back the moment' anything interesting happens. Meanwhile here are some friends of mine.From the plastic arts we turn to football. Last night in the Stadium of Light, Jarrow, we witnessed the resuscitation of a great footballing tradition, when Jarrow United came of age, in a European sense, with an almost Proustian display of modern existentialist football. Vimally annihilating by midfield moral argument the now surely obsolescent catennachio defensive philosophy of Signor Alberto Fanffino. Bologna indeed were a side intellectually out argued by a Jarrow team thrusting and bursting with aggressive Kantian positivism and outstanding in this fine Jarrow team was my man of the match, the arch thinker, free scheming, scarcely ever to be curbed, midfield coguoscento, Jimmy Buzzard.Good evening Brian.Jimmy, at least one ageing football commentator was gladdened last night by the sight of an English footballer breaking free of the limpid tentacles of packed Mediterranean defense.Good evening Brian.Were you surprised at the way the Italian ceded midfield dominance so early on in the game?Well Brian I'm opening a boutique.This is of course symptomatic of a new breed of footballer as it is indeed symptomatic of your whole genre of player, is it not?Good evening Brian.What I'm getting at, Jimmy, is you seem to have discovered a new concept with a mode in which you dissected the Italian defense, last night.Do you think Jarrow will adopt a more defensive posture for the first leg of the next tie in Turkey?Yes, yes but have you any plans for dealing with the free scoring Turkish forwards?Well Brian I'm opening a boutique.And now let's take a look at the state of play in the detective sketch.Alself me to introlow mybodyHello, good evening, and welcome to yet another edition of 'Interesting People'. And my first interesting person tonight is the highly interesting Mr. Howard Stools from Kendal in Westmorland.Good evening Mr. Stools.Mr. Stools, what makes you particularly interesting?Well, I'm only half an inch long.Well that's extremely interesting, thank you for coming along on the show tonight Mr. Stools.I thought you'd think that was interesting David, in factCompère turns to find a boringly dressed man sitting by him.Mr. Walters, are you sure you're invisible?Oh yes, most certainly.Well, Mr. Walters, what's it like being invisible?Well, whilst we've got interesting people, we met Mr. Oliver Cavendish whoMr. Oliver Cavendish of Leicester, who claims to be able to recite the entire Bible in one second, whilst being struck on the head with a large axe. Ha, ha, wow. We've since discovered that he was a fraud, yes a fraud, he did not in fact recite the entire Bible he merely recited the first two words, 'In the' before his death.voice over Now it's time for 'Interesting Sport', and this week it's all in cricket, live from the Municipal Baths, Croydon.With me now is Mr. Ken Dove, twice voted the most interesting man in Dotking. Ken, I believe you're interested in shouting.What does your wife think of this?Shut up! At parties for instance people never come up to me, I just sit there and everybody totallyThat is Tiddles, I believe?Yes, this is, this is Tiddles.Yes, and what does she do?She flies across the studio and lands in a bucket of water.By herself?No, I fling her,Well that's extremely interesting, Ladies and gentlemen Mr. Don Savage and Tiddles.Yes, great, well now for the first lime on television 'Interesting People' brings you a man who claims he can send bricks to sleep by hypnosis. Mr. Keith Maniac from Guatemala.Good evening.Keith, you claim you can send bricks to sleep.Yes, that is correct, I canEntirely by hypnosis.You've injured Mr. Stools!Oh Ah, well, I am afraid that is already asleep.How do you know?Well, it's not moving .Oh, I see have we got a moving brick? Yes, we've got a moving brick, Keith, it's coming over now.There we are, fast asleep.Very good, very good indeed.All done with the eyes.Yes, Mr. Keith Maniac from Guatemala.Mr. Keith Maniac of Guatemala and now four tired undertakers.We interrupt this very quickly to take you back to the Jimmy Buzzard interview, where we understand something exciting's just happened.I've fallen off my chair, Brian.To put England's social legislation in a European context is Professor Gert Van Der Whoops of the Rijksmuseum in the Hague.And now Professor R.J. Canning.Because Drake was too clever for the German fleet. Oh I've forgotten what I said now.Well I rink we should reappraise our concept of the Battle of Trafalgar.Well well I agree with everything Mr. Gumby says.Well, I think cement is more interesting than people think.The stuff of history is indeed woven in the woof. Pearl Harbor. There are pages in history's book which are written on the grand scale. Events so momentous that they dwarf man and time alike. And such is the Battle of Pearl Harbor, re enacted for us now by the women of Barley Townswomen's Guild.Well we've always been extremely interested in modern drama we were of course the first Townswomen's Guild to perform 'Camp On Blood Island', and last year we did our extremely popular re enactment of 'Nazi War Atrocities'. So this year we thought we would like to do something in a lighter veinSo you chose the Battle of Pearl Harbor?Yes, that's right, we did.Well I can see you're all ready to go. So I'll just wish you good luck in your latest venture.Thank you very much, young man.The Battle of Pearl Harbor. Incidentally, I'm sorry if I got a little bit shitty earlier on in the program, when I kept getting interrupted by all these films and things that kept coming in, but I.,.So I said if it happened again I'd get very angry and talk to Lord Hill andHey, did you see that?Uhm?Did you see somebody go past the window?What?Another one.Huh?Another one just went past downwards.What?Two people have just fallen out of that window to their almost certain death.Fine, fine. Fine.Must be a board meeting.Oh, no, that was Robertson.Wilkins.Robertson.Wilkins.Robertson.That was Wilkins.That was Wilkins. He was a good, good, er, golfer, Wilkins.Very good golfer. Very good golfer. Rotten at finance. It'll be Parkinson next.Bet you it won't.How much.What?How much do you bet it won't? Fiver?All right.Done.You're on.Don't do it Parky.Come on Parky. Jump Parky. Jump.Come on now be sensible Parky.Dear Sir, I am writing to complain about that sketch about people failing out of a high building. I have worked all my life in such a building and have never once.Parkinson!Johnson!Good evening. Tonight 'Spectrum' looks at one of the major problems in the world today that old vexed question of what is going on. Is there still time to confront it, let alone solve it, or is it too late? What are the figures, what are the facts, what do people mean when they talk about things? Alexander Hardacre of the Economic Affairs Bureau.In this graph, this column represents 23% of the population. This column represents 28% of the population, and this column represents 43% of the population.Telling figures indeed, but what do they mean to you, what do they mean to me, what do they mean to the average man in the street? With me now is Professor Tiddles of Leeds University Professor, you've spent many years researching into things, what do you think?I think it's too early to tell.ERIC I can say nothing at this point.Well, you were wrong Professor?Hello.Hello. So where do we stand? Where do we stand? Where do we sit? Where do we come? Where do we go? What do we do? What do we say? What do we eat? What do we drink? What do we think? What do we do?Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson?Yes, that's right. Yes.Thank you.Oh, you must be tired. It's a long way from Coventry, isn't it?Well, we usually reckon on five and a half hours and it took us six hours and 53 minutes, with the 25 minute stop at Frampton Cottrell to stretch our legs; and we had to wait half an hour to get onto the M5 at Droitwich.Really?Then there was a three mile queue just before Bridgewater on the A38. We usually come round on the B3339, you see, just before Bridgewater.Yeah. Really?We decided to risk it 'cause they always say they're going to widen it there. Yes, well just by the intersection there where the A372 joins up. There's plenty of room to widen it there, there's only grass verges. They could get another six feet, knock down that hospital. Then we took the coast road through Williton we got all the Taunton traffic on the A358 from Crowcombe and Stogumber.Well you must be dying for a cup of tea.Well, wouldn't say no, long as it's warm and wet.Well come on in the lounge, I'm just going to serve afternoon tea.Very nice.Come on in, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson and meet Mr. and Mrs. Phillips.Good afternoon.Good afternoon.It's their third time here; we can't keep you away, can we? And over there is Mr. Hilter.Ach. Ha! Gut time, er, gut afternoon.Oho, planning a little excursion, eh, Mr. Hilter?Hiking.Ah yes, ve make a little *hike* for Bideford.Ah yes. Well, you'll want the A39. Oh, no, you've got the wrong map there. This is Stalingrad. You want the Ilfracombe and Barnstaple section.Ah! Stalingrad! Ha ha ha, HeinriReginald, you have the wrong map here you silly old leg before vicket English person.I'm sorry mein Fuhrer, mein cough mein Dickie old chum.Not much fun in Stalingrad, no.Oh I'm sorry. I didn't introduce you. This is Ron. Ron Vibbentrop.Oh, not Ron Vibbentrop, eh?Nein! Nein! Oh. Ha ha. Different other chap. I in Somerset am being born. Ron Vibbentrop is born Gotterdammerstrasse 46, Dusseldorf Vest 8..so they say!And this is the quiet one, Heinrich Bimmler.How long are you down here for, Mr. Hilter, just the fortnight?Vot you ask that for, are you a spy? Get on against the wall, Britischer Pig, you are going to die!Take it easy, Dickie old chum!He's a bit on edge, Mr. Johnson, he hasn't slept since 1945.Shut your cake hole, you Nazi!Cool it, Fuhrer cat!Ha ha, the fun we have!Haven't I seen you on the television?Simon Dee show, or was it Frosty?Nein. No.Telephone, Mr. Hilter. It's Mr. McGoering from the Bell and Compasses. He says he's found a place where you can hire bombers by the hour?If he opens his big mouth again, it's Lapschig time!Shut up! Ha ha, hire bombers! He's a joker, that Scottish person.Good old Norman!In business, is he?Soon, baby!Of course it's his big day Thursday. They've been planning it for months.What's happening Thursday then?Well it's the North Minehead bye election. Mr. Hilter's standing as the National Bocialist. He's got wonderful plans for Minehead!Like what?Well, for a start he wants to annex Poland.North Minehead's Conservative, isn't it?Well, yes, he gets a lot of people at his rallies.Und der Minehead ist nicht die letze stream of Germanin die Welt!Sieg Heil.Oi don't loike the sound of these 'ere Boncentration Bamps.Well, I gave him my baby to kiss, and he bit it in the head!Well, I think he'd do a lot of good to the Stock Exchange.I THINK HE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL LEGS!Good evening, I wish to report a burglary.Speak up please, sir.I wish to report a burglary.I can't hear you, sir.That's a little bit too loud. Can you say it just a little less loud than that?No I'm still not getting anything Er, could you try it in a higher register?What do you mean in a higher register?What?Report a what?That's the exact frequency now keep it there.I was sitting at home with a friend of mine from Camber Sands, when we heard a noise in the bedroom. We went to investigate and found Ł5,000 stolen.Well, I'm afraid I'm going off duty now sir. Er, could you tellFoster .Excuse me sir, but, 'ere why the funny voice?I'm terribly sorry I can't hear you, sir, could you try speaking in a lower register?Ł5,000.? That's serious, you'd better speak to the detective inspector.Some people do talk in the most extraordinary way.Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park. You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the 127th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify for you.Vivian Smith Smythe Smith has an O level in chemo hygiene. Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp. Nigel Incubator Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. And finally Oliver St John Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. Now they're moving up to the starting line, there's a jolly good crowd here today. Now they're under starter's orders and they're off!Ah no, they're not. No they didn't realize they were supposed to start. Never mind, we'll soon sort that out, the judge is explaining it to them now. I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea. All set to go.Oh, and they're off and it's a fast start this year. Oliver St John Mollusc running a bit wide there and now they're coming into their first test, the straight line.They've got to walk along this straight line without failing over and Oliver's over at the back there, er, Simon's coming through quite fast on the outside, I think Simon and Nigel, both of them coming through very fast. There's Nigel there. No. Three, I'm sorry, and on the outside there's Gervaise coming through just out of shot and now, the positionSimon and Vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump.. three layers of matchboxes to clear and Simon's over and Vivian's over beautifully, oh and the jump of a lifetime if only his father could understand. Here's Nigel and now Gervaise is over he's, er, Nigel is over, and it's Gervaise, Gervaise is going to jump it, is it, no he's jumped the wrong way, there he goes, Nigel's over, beautifully. Now it's only Oliver. Oliver and Gervaise oh bad luck. And now it's Kicking the Beggar.Simon's there and he's putting the boot in, and not terribly hard, but he's going down and Simon can move on. Now Vivian's there. Vivian is there and waiting for a chance. Here he comes, oh a piledriver, a real piledriver, and now Simon's on No. l, Vivian 2, Nigel 3, Gervaise on 4 and Oliver bringing up the rear. Ah there's OliverThere's Oliver now, he's at the back. I think he's having a little trouble with his old brain injury, he's going to have a go, no, no, bad luck, he's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy, he doesn't know when he's winning either. He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus. Oh there's GervaiseAnd he's putting the boot in there and he's got the beggar down and the steward's giving him a little bit of advice, yes, he can move on now, he can move on to the Hunt Photograph. He's off, Gervaise is there and Oliver's still at the back having trouble with the matchboxes.Now here's the Hunt Ball Photograph and the first here's Simon, he's going to enjoy a joke with Lady Arabella Plunkett. She hopes to go into films, and Vivian's through there and, er, Nigel's there enjoying a joke with Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Vivian Streamroller Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith.And there's, there's Simon now in the sports car, he's reversed into the old woman, he's caught her absolutely beautifully. Now he's going to accelerate forward there to wake up the neighbor. There's Vivian I think, no Vivian's lost his keys, no there's Vivian, he's got the old woman, slowly but surely right in the midriff, and here he is. Here he is to wake up the neighbor now.Simon right in the lead, comfortably in the lead, but he can't get this neighbor woken up. He's slamming away there as best he can. He's getting absolutely no reaction at all. There, he's woken him up and Simon's through. Here comes Vivian, Vivian to slam the door, and there we are back at the Hunt Ball, I think that's Gervaise there, that's Gervaise going through there, and here, here comes Oliver, brave Oliver. Is he going to make it to the table, no I don't think he is, yes he is,He did it, ohh. And the crowd are rising to him there, and there I can see, who is that there, yes that's Nigel, Nigel has woken the neighbor my God this is exciting. Nigel's got very excited and he's going through and here comes Gervaise. Gervaise, oh no this is, er, out in the front there is Simon who is supposed to insult the waiter and he's forgotten.And Oliver has run himself over,What a great twit! And now here comes Vivian, Vivian to insult the waiter, and he is heaping abuse on him, and he is humiliating him, there and he's gone into the lead. Simon's not with him, no Vivian's in front of him at the bar.Simon's got to get under this bar and this is extremely difficult as it requires absolutely expert co ordination between mind and body. No Vivian isn't there. Here we go again and Simon's fallen backwards. Here's Nigel, he's tripped, Nigel has tripped, and he's under and Simon fails again, er, here is Gervaise, and Simon is through by accident. Here's Gervaise to be the last one over, there we are, here's Nigel right at the head of the field,And now he's going to shoot the rabbit, and these rabbits have been tied to the ground, and they're going to be a bit frisky, and this is only a one day event. And they're blazing away there. They're not getting quite the results that they might, Gervaise is in there trying to bash it to death with the butt of his rifle, and I think Nigel's in there with his bare hands, but they're not getting the results that they might, but it is a little bit misty today and they must be shooting from a range of at least one foot. But they've had a couple of hits there I think, yes, they've had a couple of hits, and the whole field is up again and here they are.They're coming up to the debs, Gervaise first, Vivian second, Simon third. And now they've got to take the bras off from the front, this is really difficult, this is really the most, the most difficult part of the entire competition, and they're having a bit of trouble in there I think, they're really trying now and the crowd is getting excited, and I think some of the twits are getting rather excited too.Vivian is there, Vivian is coming through, Simon's in second place, and, no there's Oliver, he's not necessarily out of it. There goes Nigel, no he's lost something, and Gervaise running through to this final obstacle.Nigel is third in this fine and most exciting Upperclass Twit of the Year Show I've ever seen. Nigel's clubbed himself into fourth place.Well there'll certainly be some car door slamming in the streets of Kensington tonight.Now I understand that you want to marry my daughter?Yes, you realize of course that Rosaround is still rather young?Well I'm sure you know what I mean, Mr. er Mr er .. er?Shabby Ken ShabbyMr. Shabby I just want to make sure that you'll be able to look after my daughterOh yeah, yeah. I'll be able to look after 'er all fight sport, eh, know what I mean, eh emggh!And, er, what job do you do?I clean out public lavatories.Is there promotion involved?And, ah, where are you going to live?Well round at my gran's she trains polecats, but most of them have suffocated so there should be a bit of spare room in the attic, eh. Know what I mean. Oooh!And when do you expect to get married?Oh, fight away sport. Right away you know I haven't had it for weeksWell look I'll phone the bishop and see if we can get the AbbeyThe story so far Rosamund's father has become ensnared by Mr. Shabby's extraordinary personal magnetism. Bob and Janet have eaten Mr. Farquar's goldfish during an Oxfam lunch, and Mrs. Elsmore's marriage is threatened by Doug's insistence that he is on a different level of consciousness. Louise's hernia has been confirmed, and Jim, Bob's brother, has run over the editor of the 'Lancet' on his way to see Jenny, a freelance Pagoda designer. On the other side of the continent Napoleon still broods over the smoldering remains of a city he had crossed half the earth to conquer whilst Mary, Roger's half sister, settles down to watch televisionThere now follows a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Wood Party.Good evening. We in the Wood Party feel very strongly that the present weak drafting of the Local Government Bill leaves a lot to be desired, and we intend to fight.Are you all fight minister?I appear to have landed on this kind of ledge thing.Shall we lower down one of the BBC ropes?If you'd be so kind.What length of BBC rope will we be likely to need?I should use the longest BBC rope. That would be a good idea I would imagine.Okie dokie chief. Er, Tex get the longest BBC rope, and bring it here pronto.Er, well perhaps when the rope reaches you minister you could kind of swing over to the ledge and grab it.Good idea.Well I'm going to carry on, if I can read the script. He swings over to a ledge opposite with a script on it. As he gets near he peers and starts reading.Look, look, I must look a bit of a chump hanging upside down like this.Oh good, good. Well er er um Good evening. Er well er how are you? Er Oh yes look, I don't want you to think of the Wood Party as a load of old men that like hanging around on ropes only I er oh oh.Is this the furthest distance that a minister has fallen? Robert.Well surprisingly not. The Canadian Minister for External Affairs fell nearly seven miles during a Liberal Conference in Ottawa about six years ago, and then quite recently the Kenyan Minister for Agric. and Fish fell nearly twelve miles during a Nairobi debate in Parliament, although this hasn't been ratified yet.Er, how far did the Filipino cabinet fall last March?Er, well they fell nearly thirty nine miles but it's not really so remarkable as that was due to their combined weight, of course. Robert.Thank you, Robert. Well now what's your reaction to all this, Robert?Thank you Robert. Well that seems to be about all we have time for tonight. Unless anyone has anything else to say. Has anyone anything else to say?What do we mean by no, what do we mean by yes, what do we mean by no, no, no. Tonight Spectrum looks at the whole question of what is no.There will now be a short intermission.There will now be a medium sized intermission. Same music, same speed, slightly longer.Oo I don't like this, Bob I don't like that. Oh I don't think much to all this. Oh fancy using that wallpaper. Fancy using mustard. Oo is that a proper one? Oo it's not real. Oh 1 don't think it's a proper restaurant unless they give you finger bowls. Oo I don't like him. I'm going to have a baby in a few years.That's all right sir, we get all sorts of lines in here. The head waiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments, and now if you'll excuse me I have to go and commit suicide.Oh I'm sorry.It's all right. It's not because of anything serious.Quite frankly I'm against people who commit suicide, I don't like that sort of person at all. I'm plain people and I'm proud of it, my mother's the salt of the earth, and I don't take the pill 'cos it's nasty.Fine. I'm the head waiter. This is a vegetarian restaurant only, we serve no animal flesh of any kind. We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it. So if you were to come in here asking me to rip open a small defenseless chicken, so you could chew its skin and eat its intestines, then I'm afraid I'd have to ask you to leave.No, no, no, no.Sometimes Shirley I think you're almost human.Once I married someone who was beautiful, and young, and gay, and free. Whatever happened to her?You divorced her and married me.I met my second wife at a second wife swapping party. Trust me to arrive late.Always were late weren't you Thompson?Hello Headmaster. What are you doing here?Fine, fine, fine, thank you. Fine, thank you. No more sherry for me don't you know. Warner House beat Badger House for the Second Cuppa, remarkable. We had to put most of the second form to sleep. No padre. Bad business. They were beginning to play with themselves. Still You haven't seen my wife anywhere have you?No.Oh I don't like him. Do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. All men are the same.Imagine not that these four walls contain the Mighty Owl of Thebes. For, gentles all, beauty sits most closely to them it can construeNo it doesn't.Fine. Would you care for a glass of blood? Oh what a giveaway.No, we'd like to see the menu please. I don't think it's a proper restaurant unless you have a proper menu, and anyway I might be pregnant.Perhaps you'd care for a drink? ,Ever since you've married me, Douglas, you've treated me like an albatross.Evening.Good evening.I hope you're going to enjoy me this evening. I'm the special. Try me with some rice.I beg your pardon?A Hopkins au gratin a la chef.Yes thank you.WellI must get on or I'll 'spoil. Janet to the kitchen.There's a dead bishop in the lobby, sir.I don't know who keeps bringing them in here.Oh I don't like that. I think it's silly. It's not a proper sketch without a proper punchline. I mean I don't know much about anything, I'm stupid. I'm muggins. Nobody cares what I think. I'm always the one that has to do everything. Nobody cares about me. Well I'm going to have a lot of bloody babies and they can bloody well care about me. Makes you sick half this television. They never stop talking, he'll be the ruination of her, rhythm method.There will now be a whopping great intermission, during which small ice creams in very large boxes will be sold. Another way we can drive people away from the cinema is by showing you advertisements.Albatross! Albatross! Albatross!Two choc ices please.I haven't got choc ices. I only got the albatross. Albatross!What flavor is it?It's a bird, innit. It's a bloody sea bird . .. it's not any bloody flavor. Albatross!Do you get wafers with it?Course you don't get bloody wafers with it. Albatross!How much is it?Ninepence.I'll have two please.Gannet on a stick.There will now be a very shortThe management regrets that it will not be showing a feature film this evening as it eats into the profits'Well that's quite enough of that. And now a policeman near Rottingdeans Albatross!Inspector, inspector.Uh huh.I'm terribly sorry but I was sitting on a park bench over there, took my coat off for a minute and then I found my wallet had been stolen and Ł15 taken from it.Well did you er, did you see anyone take it, anyone hanging around orNo no, there was no one there at all. That's the trouble.Well there's not very much we can do about that, sir.Do you want to come back to my place? Yeah all right.Mr. Bertenshaw?Me, Doctor.No, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw.My wife, doctorNo, your wife patient.Come with me, please.Me, Sister?No, she Sister, me doctor, you Mr. Bertenshaw.Dr. Walters?Me, nurseYou Mr. Bertenshaw, she Sister, you doctor.No, doctor.No Doctor call ambulance, keep warm.Drink, doctor?Drink doctor, eat Sister, cook Mr. Bertenshaw, nurse me!You, doctor?ME doctor!! You Mr. Bertenshaw. She Sister!But my wife, nurseYour wife not nurse. She nurse, your wife patient. Be patient, she nurse your wife. Me doctor, you tent, you tree, you Tarzan, me Jane, you Trent, you Trillome doctor!Stop this, stop this. What a silly way to carry on. What do you want?I wish to register a complaint.Well, this is a hospital. You want the pet shop.Yes, it's Historical Impersonations. When you in the present can make those in the past stars of the future. And here is your host for tonight Wally Wiggin.Hello, good evening and welcome to Historical Impersonations. And we kick off tonight with Cardinal Richelieu and his impersonation of Petula Clark.'Don't sleep in the subway darling and don't stand in the pouring rain'.Cardinal Richelieu sixteen stone of pure man. And now your favorite Roman Emperor Julius Caesar as Eddie Waring.Well done indeed, Julius Caesar, a smile, a conquest and a dagger up your strap. Our next challenger comes all the way from the Crimea. It's the very lovely Florence Nightingale as Brian London.And now for our most ambitious attempt tonight all the way from Moscow in the USS of R Ivan the Terrible as a sales assistant in Freeman, Hardy and Willis.And now W. G. Grace as a music box.And now it's France's turn. One of their top statesmen, Napoleon as the R101 disaster.And now it's request time.I would like to see John the Baptist's impersonation of Graham Hill.And now a short intermission during which Marcel Marceau will impersonate a man walking against the wind.And now Marcel will mime a man being struck about the head by a sixteen ton weight.Eric.Would you like to have a sixteen ton weight dropped on top of you, Eric?Don't know.How about you?I want to have.What do you want to have?I want to have I want to have Racquel Welch dropped on top of me.Dropped on top of you.Oh yes, not climbing.She's got a big bottom.And what's your name?Trevor Atkinson.And how old are you, Trevor?I'm forty two.Yes, we're all colleagues from the Empire and General Insurance Company.And what do you do?Well I deal mainly with mortgage protection policies, but I also do certain types of life assurance.Now if you and your pal had one big wish, Trevor, what would you like to see on television?I'd like to see more fairy stories about the police.And so you shall.Yes, we in Special Crime Squad have been using wands for almost a year now. You find it's easy to make yourself invisible. You can defy time and space, and you can turn violent criminals into frogs. Something which you could never do with the old truncheons.Yes, tonight 'Probe Around' takes a look at crimeOh, I'm up to page 39, where Peter Pan first manifests himself.With me now is Inspector Harry H 'Snapper' Organs of 'H' Division.Good evening.Er, Inspector, I believe you are encouraging magic in the Police Force?U P Y O U R S.Up yours? What a rude Ouija board!Now this is the kind of thing that gives the police a bad name, sergeant.Pull out further to reveal police sergeant in long shimmering slim fitting ladies evening gown, diamante handbag and helmet.I know, sir.Who?Attila the Hun, sir.Oh botherkins! Er, constable, go and see to him will you?What! In this dress?Oh all fight, I'll go.Oh, I have got a little green pinny I could wearNo, no, no, I'll go. You stay here.Oh goody! I can get on with the ironing.Over there, sir.Right, er, all fight sergeant leave this to me. Er, now then sir, you are Attila the Hun.That's right, yes. A. T. Hun. My parents were Mr. and Mrs. Norman Hun, but they had a little joke when I was born.Yes well, Mr. Hun Oh! Call me 'The', for heaven's sake!Oh well, The what do you want to see us about?I've come to give myself up.What for?Looting, pillaging and sacking a major city.I beg your pardon?Looting, pillaging, sacking a major city, and I'd like nine thousand other charges to be taken into consideration, please.Oh, no. No, no, no, no.Right, er, sergeant will you bring the Hunalyser, please?Here we are, sir.Er, how's it work?Well he breathes into it, sir, and the white crystals turn lime green. Then he is Attila the Hun, sir.I see. Right. Would you mind breathing into this Mr Hun?What if nothing happens, sergeant?He's Alexander the Great!Ha, ha! Caught you, Mr A. T. Great!Oh perhaps so, but you made one fatal mistake you see, this wasn't a Hunalyser it was an Alexander the Greatalyser Take him away, Beryl!Dear Sir, I object very strongly to that last scene, and to the next letter.Dear Sir, I object to being objected to by the last letter, before my drift has become apparent. I spent many years in India during the last war and am now a part time notice board in a prominent public school. Yours etc., Brigadier Zoe La Rue deceased. PS Aghhh!Dear Sir, When I was at. school, I was beaten regularly every thirty minutes, and it never did me any harm except for psychological maladjusunent and blurred vision. Yours truly, Flight Lieutenant Ken Frankenstein Mrs.Dr Larch there's a Mr. Phelps to see you.Er, nurse!Yes?What?Well, I could be any type of doctor.Well I can't come in and say Psychiatrist Latch' or 'Dr Larch who is a psychiatrist'. Oh, anyway look, its written on the door.Bow, wow, wow.Ah Mr. Phelps. Come on in, take a seat. Now what seems to be the matter?No, no, no. No. No.I'm sorry?Oh can't you do better than that? I mean it's so predictable I've seen it a million times. Knock, knock, knock come in, ah Mr. Phelps take a seat. I've seen it and seen it.Well look will you please sit down and do your first line.I can't even get it started.Shut up! Oh it drives me mad.A mad psychiatrist, that'd be new.Next please.I'm not. I'm not. Come on in. Take a seat. What's, what's the matter?Now what's the matter?Well I keep hearing guitars playing and people singing when there's no one around.Yes. Yes.Is it always that?No.Well that's something.But it's mainly folk songs.Last night I had 'I'll never fall in love again' for six hours.Well look, I think I'd better have a second opinion on this. I want you to see a colleague of mine, a specialist in these sort of things, who has an office very much like this one as a matter of fact.What?Mr. Notlob, there's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong.Too much man, groovy, great scene. Great light show, baby.What are you doing in there?We're doing our own thing, man.Have you got Mr. Notlob's permission to be in there?We're squatters, baby.Don't get uptight, man. Join the scene and other phrases. Money isn't real.She's doing an article on us for 'Nova', man.Are you rolling your own jelly babies in there?That's what we are trying to find out.What are they doing in my stomach?We don't know. Are they paying you any rent?Of course they're not paying me rent!You're not furnished, you fascist.Get them out!I can't.Get them out.No I can't. Not, not without a court order.Push off, fuzz.No, no. I'd like to answer this question if I may in two ways. Firsfly in my normal voice and then in a kind of silly high pitched whine You see housing is a problem reallyDon't I say any more?No fear! Today saw the appointment of a new head of Allied Bomber Command Air Chief Marshal Sir Vincent 'Kill the Japs' Forseer. He's in our Birmingham studioHello Sailors! Listen, guess what. The Minister of Aviation has made me head of the RAF Ola Pola.Hello. Mrs. Rogers?No. Ooh I must be in the wrong house,She shuts the door on him and we fellow her as she crosses the room. She climbs out of the window. Back yard of terraced house. She scrambles over a quite high dividing wall into next door and starts to scramble into next door window. Interior of a more cluttered working class sitting room. There is a TV in there with Sir Vincent still camping it up.That must be the new gas cooker.Morning. Mrs. G. Crump?No Mrs. G. Pinnet.This is 46 Egernon Crescent?No Road. Egernon Road.Oh there's nobody here of that name. It's Mrs. G. Pinnet. 46 Egernon Road.Well it says 'Crump' here. Don't it, Harry?Yeah it's on the invoice.Yeah, definitely Crump.Well there must have been a mistake, because the address is right, and that's definitely the cooker I ordered a blue and white CookEasy.Well you can't have this. This is Crump.Oh dear, what are we going to do?Well I don't know. What we can do for you is take it back to the Depot, get a transfer slip from Crump to Pinnet, and put it on a special delivery.Yeah that's best. We'll special it for you, we'll get it down there today and you'll get it back in ten weeks.Ten weeks! Blimey, can't you just leave this one?Yes.Well I dunno. I suppose we could.Oh, but she'd have to fill out a temporary dispatch note.Yeah we could leave it on a temporary dispatch note.Well that's sorted out then. What a mess, isn't it.I know, it's ridiculous really, but there you are. Glad we could be of such a help. Right, would you sign it down there please, Mrs. Crump?Pinnet.Pinnet. Listen, just for the books make it a bit easier, could you sign it Crump Pinnet.Cheerio, Mrs. Crump!Heh, excuse me! Cooey! Er, can you put it in the kitchen?Well I can't cook on it unless it's connected up.Oh we didn't realize you had an installation invoice.An MI.No, we can't touch it without an MI, you see.Or an RI6.Nah it's not special the special's back at the Depot.No, the special's the same as installation invoice.So it's an RI6.What's an installation invoice?A pink form from Reading.That's the one, love. Yeah, this should be all I need. Hang on. This is for Pinnet. Mrs. G. Pinnet.That's right. I'm Mrs. G. Pinnet.Well we've got Crump Pinnet on the invoice.Well shall I sign it Crump Pinnet then?No, no, no not an MI no.No that's from Area Service at Reading.No, not this side of the street.Look I just want it connected up.What about London Office?Well they haven't got the machinery.Not now.No they're still on standard pressure.But surely they can connect up a gas cooker?Oh yeah, we could connect it up, love, but not unless it's an emergency.But this is an emergency.No it's not. An emergency is 290 'where there is actual or apparent loss of combustible gaseous substances'.Yeah, it's like a leak.Yeah, or a 478.No that's valve adjustment.But there can't be a leak unless you've connected it up.No, quite. We'd have to turn it on.Well can't you turn it on and connect it up?No. But what we can do, and this is between you and me, I shouldn't really be telling you this, we'll turn your gas on, make a hole in your pipe, you ring Hounslow emergency, they'll be around here in a couple of days.What, a house full of gas! Ca be dead by thenOh well, in that case you'd have the South East Area Manager round here like a shot.Really?Ah yes. 'One or more persons overcome by fumes', you'd have Head Office, Holbom, round here.Really?Yes. That's murder you see.Or suicide.No. That's S42.Oh.Still? I thought it was Hainault.No Central area and Southall Marketing Division, they're both on the S42 now.And they'd be able to connect it up?Oh they'd do the lot for you, love.And they'd come round this afternoon? Well what is it now 1130 · · · murder they'll be round here by two.Oh well that's wonderful.Oh well, right love, if you'd like to lie down here.Okay Harry.Okay. Gas on.Shall I go through maintenance?No, you'd better go through Deptford maintenance.Peckham's on a 207 . . that's LeWisham. What about Tottenham? No that would be a 5.4. · · what about Lewisham? It's central isn't it? Or RuislipGood morning.Good morning, sir. Can I help you?Help me? Yeah, I'll say you can help me.Yes, sir?I come about your advert 'Small white pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition'.Ah. You wish to buy it?That's right. Just for the hour. Only I ain't gonna pay more'n a fiver cos it ain't worth it.Well it's come from a very good home it's house trained.Yes, sir.Does it go?Ah yes, sir. That's in good condition.Oh good, I like them in good condition, eh? Eh?Babysitter.'Times' please.Oh yes sir, here you are.Thank you.Cheers.Inside the building he passes three other men, each walking in their own eccentric way.Well sir, I have a silly walk and I'd like to obtain a Government grant to help me develop it.I see. May I see your silly walk?Yes, certainly, yes.That's it, is it?Yes, that's it, yes.It's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the right leg isn't silly at all and the left leg merely does a forward aerial half turn every alternate step.Yes, but I think that with Government backing I could make it very silly.Yes please.Yes, Mr. Teabag. Out of her mind. Now the Japanese have a man who can bend his leg back over his head and back again with every single step. While the Israelis here's the coffee.Oh rather. Yes.Well take a look at this, then.Now Mr. Pudey. I'm not going to mince words with you. I'm going to offer you a Research Fellowship on the Anglo FrenchLa Marche Futile?Merci, mon petit chou chou Brian Trubshawe. Et maintenant avec les pieds à droite, et les pieds au gauche, et maintenant l'Anglais Française Marche Futile, et voilàAnd now a choice of viewing on BBC Television. Just started on BBC2, the semi final of Episode 3 of 'Kierkegaard's Journals', staring Richard Chamberlain, Peggy Mount and Billy Bremer, and on BBC1, 'Ethel the Frog'Good evening. On 'Ethel the Frog' tonight we look at violence The violence of British Gangland. Last Tuesday a reign of terror was ended when the notorious Piranha brothers, Doug and Dinsdale, after one of the most extraordinary trials in British legal history, were sentenced to 400 years imprisonment for crimes of violence. We examined the rise to power of the Piranhas, the methods they used to subjugate rival gangs and their subsequent tracking down and capture by the brilliant Superintendent Harry 'Snapper' Organs of Q Division. Doug and Dinsdale Piranha were born, on probation, in a small house in Kipling Road, Southwark, the eldest sons in a family of sixteen. Their father Arthur Piranha, a scrap metal dealer and TV quizmaster, was well known to the police, and a devout Catholic. In 1928 he had married Kitty Malone, an up and coming East End boxer. Doug was born in February 1929 and Dinsdale two weeks later; and again a week after that. Someone who remembers them well was their next door neighbor, Mrs. April Simmel.Oh yes Kipling Road was a typical East End Street, people were in and out of each other's houses with each other's property all day. They were a cheery lot.Was it a terribly violent areaOh noyes. Cheerful and violent. I remember Doug was keen on boxing, but when he learned to walk he took up putting the boot in the groin. He was very interested in that. His mother had a terrible job getting him to come in for tea. Putting his little boot in he'd be, bless him. All the kids were like that then, they didn't have their heads stuffed with all this Cartesian dualism.At the age of fifteen Doug and Dinsdale started attending the Ernest Pythagoras Primary School in Clerkenwell. When the Piranhas left school they were called up but were found by an Army Board to be too unstable even for National Service. Denied the opportunity to use their talents in the service of their country, they began to operate what they called 'The Operation' They would select a victim and then threaten to beat him up if he paid the so called protection money. Four months later they started another operation which the called 'The Other Operation'. In this racket they selected another victim and threatened not to beat him up if he didn't pay them. One month later they hit upon 'The Other Other Operation'. In this the victim was threatened that if he didn't pay them, they would beat him up. This for the Piranha brothers was the turning point.Doug and Dinsdale Piranha now formed a gang, which the called 'The Gang' and used terror to take over night clubs, billiard halls, gaming casinos and race tracks. When they tried to take over the MCC they were for the only time in their lives, slit up a treat. As their empire spread however, Q Division were keeping tabs on their every move by reading the color supplements.One small time operator who fell foul of Dinsdale Piranha was Vince Snetterton Lewis.Well one day I was at home threatening the kids when I looks out through the hole in the wall and sees this tank pull up and out gets one of Dinsdale's boys, so he comes in nice and friendly and says Dinsdale wants to have a word with me, so he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale's place and Dinsdale's there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and two film producers and a man they called 'Kierkegaard', who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and Dinsdale says 'I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement' and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out and I tell him my name's not Clement and then he loses his temper and nails me head to the floor.He nailed your head to the floor?At first yeahAnother man who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O' Tracy.I've been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.No. Never. He was a smashing bloke. He used to buy his mother flowers and that. He was like a brother to me.But the police have film of Dinsdale actually nailing your head to the floor.Why?Well he had to, didn't he? I mean there was nothing else he could do, be fair. I had transgressed the unwritten law.What had you done?Er well he didn't tell me that, but he gave me his word that it was the case, and that's good enough for me with old Dinsy. I mean, he didn't *want* to nail my head to the floor. I had to insist. He wanted to let me off. He'd do anything for you, Dinsdale would.And you don't bear him a grudge?A grudge! Old Dinsy. He was a real darling.I understand he also nailed your wife's head to a coffee table. Isn't that true Mrs. O' Tracy?No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.Well he did do that, yeah. He was a hard man. Vicious but fairVince, after he nailed your head to the floor, did you ever see him againYeah..after that I used to go round his flat every Sunday lunchtime to apologize and we'd shake hands and then he'd nail my head to the floorEvery Sunday?Yeah but he was very reasonable. Once, one Sunday I told him my parents were coming round to tea and would he mind very much not nailing my head that week and he agreed and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand.Clearly Dinsdale inspired tremendous fear among his business associates. But what was he really like?walked out with Dinsdale on many occasions and found him a charming and erudite companion. He was wont to introduce one to eminent celebrities, celebrated American singers, members of the aristocracy and other gang leaders,How had he met them?Through his work for charities. He took a warm interest in Boys' Clubs, Sailors' Homes, Choristers' Associations and the Grenadier Guards.Was there anything unusual about him?Not him. I should say not. Except, that Dinsdale was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred to as 'Spiny Norman'.How big was Norman supposed to be?Normally Spiny Norman was wont to be about twelve feet from snout to tail, but when Dinsdale was depressed Norman could be anything up to eight hundred yards long. When Norman was about Dinsdale would go very quiet and start wobbling and his nose would swell up and his teeth would move about and he'd get very violent and claim that he'd laid Stanley Baldwin.Did it worry you that he, for example, stitched people's legs together?Well it's better than bottling it up isn't it. He was a gentleman, Dinsdale, and what's more he knew how to treat a female impersonator.But what do the criminologists think? We asked The Amazing Kargol and JanetIt is easy for us to judge Dinsdale Piranha too harshly. After all he only did what many of us simply dream of doing I'm sorry. After all we should remember that a murderer is only an extroverted suicide. Dinsdale was a looney, but he was a happy looney. Lucky bugger.Most of the strange tales concern Dinsdale, but what about Doug? One man who met him was Luigi Vercotti.How much did they want?They wanted three quarters of a million pounds.Why didn't you call the police?Well I had noticed that the lad with the thermonuclear device was the chief constable for the area. So a week later they called again and told me the check had bounced and said I had to see Doug.Doug?What did he do?He used sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire. He was vicious.By a combination of violence and sarcasm, the Piranha brothers by February 1966 controlled London and the Southeast of England. It was in February, though, that Dinsdale made a big mistake.Lately Dinsdale had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman. He had come to the conclusion that Norman slept in an aeroplane hangar at Luton Airport.The Piranhas realized they had gone too far and that the hunt was on. They went into hiding. I decided on a subtle approach, viz. some form of disguise, as the old helmet and boots are a bit of a giveaway. Luckily my years with Bristol Rep. stood me in good stead, as I assumed a bewildering variety of disguises. I tracked them to Cardiff, posing as the Reverend Smiler Egret. Hearing they'd gone back to London, I assumed the identity of a pork butcher, Brian Stoats. On my arrival in London, I discovered they had returned to Cardiff, I followed as Gloucester from _King Lear_. Acting on a hunch I spent several months in Buenos Aires as Blind Pew, returning through the Panama Canal as Ratty, in _Toad of Toad Hall_. Back in Cardiff, I relived my triumph as Sancho Panza in _Man of la Mancha_ which the Bristol Evening Post described as 'a glittering performance of rare perception', although the Bath Chronicle was less than enthusiastic. In fact it gave me a right panning. I quoteAs for the performance of Superintendent Harry Snapper Organs as Sancho Panza, the audience were bemused by his high pitched Welsh accent and intimidated by his abusive ad libs.'Sancho Panza Mr. Organs spoilt an otherwise impeccably choreographed rape scene by his unscheduled appearance and persistent cries of What's all this then?'***************** TV Series version continues as follows *******************Never mind Snapper love you can't win 'em allTrue constable. Could I have my eye liner please?Telegram for you loveGood oh Bet it's from BinkieThose flowers are for Sergeant Lauderdale from the gentleman waiting outsideOh goodThirty second superintendentOh blimey, I'm on. Is me hat on straight constableOh it's fineRight here we gone then HawkinsOh, merde superintendentGood luck thenRead all about it Pirahna brothers escapeDinsdale? Dinsdale? Dinsdale?And now for something completely different.Trouble at mill.Oh no what kind of trouble?One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.Pardon?One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle.I don't understand what you're saying.Well what on earth does that mean?NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprisesurprise and fearfear and surprise. Our two weapons are fear and surpriseand ruthless efficiency. Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiencyand an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope. Our *four*no *Amongst* our weapons. Amongst our weaponryare such elements as fear, surprise. I'll come in again.I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms Oh damn! To Cardinal Biggles I can't say it you'll have to say it.What?You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are 'I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.Er. Nobodyum.ExpectsExpects Nobody expects theumthe SpanishumInquisition.I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect Our chief weapons areOur chief weapons areumerSurpriseSurprise and Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! our chief weapons are surpriseblah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the'We're innocent.Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!We'll soon change your mind about that!You.Right! Tie her down.Right! How do you plead?Innocent.Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack oh dear give the rack a turn.I.IIt makes it all seem so stupid.Shall I?No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!Now, old woman you are accused of heresy on three counts heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action *four* counts. Do you confess?I don't understand what I'm accused of.Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! FetchTHE CUSHIONS!Here they are, lord.Now, old lady you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly *two* last chances. And you shall be free *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.I don't know what you're talking about.Right! If that's the way you want it Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!Confess! Confess! Confess!It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.Have you got all the stuffing up one end?Yes, lord.So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!Yes, lord.I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!I confess!Not you!Ah, hello, you don't know me, but I'm from the BBC. We were wondering if you'd come and answer the door in a sketch over there, in that sort of direction You wouldn't have to do anything just open the door and that's it.Oh, well all right, yes.Yes, we're on film at the moment you see.It's a link, is it?Yes that's right, that son of thing, yes, a link. It's all a bit zany you know a bit madcap funster frankly I don't fully understand it myself, the kids seem to like it. I much prefer Des O'Connor Rolf Harris Tom Jones, you knowYou do a lot of this sort of thing, do you?Quite a lot yes, quite a lot. I'm mainly in comedy. I'd like to be in Programming Planning actually, but unfortunately I've got a degree.Joke, sir? Guaranteed amusing. As used by the crowned heads of Europe. Has brought tears to the eyes of Royalty. 'Denmark has never laughed so much' 'The Stage'. Nice little novelty number 'a naughty Humphrey' breaks the ice at parties. Put it on the table. Press the button. It vomits. Absolutely guaranteed. With refills. 'Black soap' leave it in the bathroom, they wash their hands, real fungus grows on the fingers. Can't get it off for hours. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Frighten the elderly real snakes. Comedy hernia kit. Plastic flesh wounds just keep your friends in stitches. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Hours of fun with 'honeymoon delight' empty it into their beds real skunk juice. They won't forget their wedding night. Sticks to the skin, absolutely waterproof, guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Amuse your friends CS gas canisters smells, tastes and acts just like the real thing can blind, maim or kill. Or for drinks, why not buy a 'wicked willy' with a life size winkle serves warm beer. Makes real cocktails. Hours of amusement. Or get the new Pooh Pooh machine. Embarrass your guests completely authentic sound. Or why not try a new 'naughty nightie' put it on and it melts just watch their faces. Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties. Go on, go on.What?Do the punchline.What punchline?The punchline for this bit.I don't know it. They didn't say anything about a punchline.Oh! Oh well in that case I'll be saying goodbye then, sir Goodbye then, sir.What's the punchline?Can you give me a lift back?Ah can do. But won't. We were wondering if we could possibly borrow your head for a piece of animation.What?Oh jolly good. Thanks very much. You will get expenses.Gentlemen, our MP saw the PM this AM and the PM wants more LSD from the PIB by tomorrow AM or PM at the latest. I told the PM's PPS that AM was NBG so tomorrow PM it is for the PM it is nem. con. Give us a fag or I'll go spare. Now the fiscal deficit with regard to the monetary balance, the current financial year excluding invisible exports, but adjusted of course for seasonal variations and the incremental statistics of the fiscal and revenue arrangements for the forthcoming annual budgetary period terminating in April.I think he's talking about taxation.Bravo, Madge. Well done. Taxation is indeed the very hub of my gist. Gentlemen, we have to find something new to tax.I understood that.If I might put my head on the chopping block so you can kick it around a bit, sirYes?Well most things we do for pleasure nowadays are taxed, except one.What do you mean?Well, er, smoking's been taxed, drinking's been taxed but not thingy.Good Lord, you're not suggesting we should tax thingy?Poo poo's?No.No, no, no thingy.Number ones?No, thingy.Thingy!Ah, thingy. Well it'll certainly make chartered accountancy a much more interesting job.To boost the British economy I'd tax all foreigners living abroad.I would tax the nude in my bed. No not tax. What is the word.~ Oh welcome.I would tax Raquel Welch. I've a feeling she'd tax me.Bring back hanging and go into rope.I would cut off the more disreputable parts of the body and use the space for playing fields,I would tax holiday snaps.Oh! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!Now, old woman! You are accused of heresy on three counts. Heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action. Four counts. Do you confess?I don't understand what I'm accused of.Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! FetchTHE CUSHIONS!Here they are, lord.Now, old lady you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly *two* last chances. And you shall be free *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.I don't know what you're talking about.Right! If that's the way you want it Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!Confess! Confess! Confess!It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord.Have you got all the stuffing up one end?Yes, lord.So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair!Yes, lord.I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!I confess!Not you!And now for the very first time on the silver screen comes the film from two books which once shocked a generation. From Emily Brontë's 'Wuthering Heights' and from the 'International Guide to Semaphore Code'. Twentieth Century Vole presents 'The Semaphore Version of Wuthering Heights'.'OH! CATHERINE''OH! HEATHCLIFFE''OH! OH! CATHERINE''OH! OH! HEATHCLIFFE''CATHERINE!''HARK! I HEAR MY HUSBAND''CATHERINE!''WAAAAAGH! WAAAAAAGH!''SSSH!''ZZZ . . . ZZZ . . .''YOU'VE BEEN SEEING HEATHCLIFFE''YES! YES! I'VE BEEN SEEING HEATHCLIFFE, AND WHY NOT? HE'S THE ONLY MAN I EVER LOVED. HE'S FINE. HE'S STRONG. HE'S ALL THE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER BE, AND WHAT'S MORE . . .'From the pulsating pages of history, from the dark and furious days of Imperial Rome we bring you a story that shattered the world! A tale so gripping that they said it could not he filmed. A unique event in cinema history! Julius Caesar on an Aidis lamp!'BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH''ET TU BRUTE'From the makers of 'Gunfight at the OK Corral in Morse Code'.'AAAAHHHI'And the smoke signal version of 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes'Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?MICHAEL We have m'lud.Point?Belt?Tie?Cravat? Silk square?Knot?Knot!Swimmer?Breast stroke.Brian Phelps.No, no, no, he was a diver.Esther Williams then.No, no, don't be silly. How can you find someone 'Not Esther Williams'.Fish breathe.Fish breathe, throat.Drink.Sip? Imbibe?Four words.First word shout?Bellow?Call?Call!Second word is very small.A?An?Up?The?The!Call the, third wordGill?Fish?Next.Call the next!Fourth word, three syllables. First syllable ear?Hear. Can't hear.Deaf!! Call the next def .Bottom.Seat? Trouser? Cheek?End! Call the next defend .Ant!Not guilty. Case not proven. Court adjourned.I'm a judge, m'lud.So am I, m'lud, so watch it.Hah! Call this a court.Call this a 'court. Call this a court..Call this a court.Shut up. Right now get on with the spiel.M'lud, and my other lud, the prosecution will Endeavour to show m'lud, that m'lud ah, not you m'lud, that m'lud, m'lud, while passing sentence at the Central Criminal Court blotted his copy book. Call exhibit Q.Q?Sorry did I say Q? I meant A. Sorry, call exhibit A. Clerk Call exhibit A.Exhibit A m'lud, Miss Rita Thang, an artist's model, Swedish accordion teacher and cane chair sales lady, was found guilty under the Rude Behavior Act in the accused's court. The accused, m'lud, sentenced her 'to be taken from this place and brought round to his place'.Objection, m'lud.Objection sustained.You shut up! Objection overruled.The accused then commented on Miss Thang's bodily structure, made several not at all legal remarks on the subject of fun and then placed his robes over his head and began to emit low moans.Have you anything to say in your defense?I haven't had any for weeks.Oh no? What about that little number you've got tucked away in Belsize Park?Oh, I never!Oh no. Ho! Ho! Ho!All right then what about 8a Woodford Square?You say anything about that and I'll do you for treason.M'lud if we could continue He's got a Chinese bit there.No, that's contempt of court.It was only a joke.Contempt of court. However, I'm not going to punish you, because we're so short of judges at the moment, what with all of them emigrating to South Africa. I'm going tomorrow; I've got my ticket. Get out there and get some decent sentencing done. Ooh, England makes you sick. Best I can manage here is life imprisonment. It's hardly worth coming in in the morning. Now, South Africa? You've got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a week, you've got cheap drinks, slave labour and a booming stock market. I'm off, I tell you. Yes, I'm up to here with probation and bleeding psychiatric reports. That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right. Well I'm going to have one final fling before I leave, so I sentence you to be burnt at the stake.Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.Look they've started the credits.Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.Come on hurry. HurrylExcuse me, excuse me. I saw your advertisement for flying lessons and I'd like to make an application.Nothing to do with me. I'm not in this show.Oh I see. D'you d'you., . do you know about the flying lessons?Nothing to do with me. I'm not in this show. This is show five I'm not in until show eight.Oh I see.I'm just learning my lines, you know. 'Oh Mr. Belpit, your legs'Bit awkward, I'm a bit stuck.Yes, well. Try over there.Oh yes, thanks. Thanks a lot.'Oh Mr. Belpit' not at all 'your legs are so swollen'.Excuse me, I saw your advertisement for flying lessons and I'd like to make an application.Appointment?Yes, yes.Certainly. Would you come this way, please.Morning, Mr. Jones, Mr. Barnes.Cut to a forest. They come past towards camera, passing a tea trolley on the way with a tea lady and a couple of men round it.Morning Mrs. Wills.Morning, luv.Take this to Marketing, would you.Just follow me.Oh thank you.Oh, be careful.Yes, nearly tripped.Be there soon.Good. It's a long way, isn't it?Oh, get hold of that watch it.Morning.Morning. Upstairs. Be careful, it's very steep. Almost there.Morning.Well, Mr. Anemone's on the phone at the moment, but I'm sure he won't mind if you go on in. Through here.Thank you.Chigger.Mr. Chigger. So, you want to learn to fly.Yes.Right, well, up on the table, arms out, fingers together, knees bentNo, no, no.Now look hereAll right, all right. I'll give you one more chance, get on the tableLook, I came here to learn how to fly an aeroplane.A what?I came here to learn how to fly an aeroplane.Look. No one in the history of the world has ever been able to fly like that.Oh, I suppose mater told you that while you were out riding. Well, if people can't fly what am I doing up here?You're on a wire.Oh, a wire. I'm on a wire, am I?Of course you're on a bloody wire.I am not on a wire. I am flying.You're on a wire.I am flying.You're on a wire.I'll show you whether I'm on a wire or not. Give me the 'oop.What?Oh, I don't suppose we know what an 'oop is. I suppose pater thought they were a bit common, except on the bleedin' croquet. lawn.Oh, a hoop.Go on, right the way along.That hoop's got a hole in.Oh Eton and Madgalene. The hoop has an hole in. Of course it's got a hole in, it wouldn't be a hoop otherwise, would it, mush!No, there's a gap in the middle, there.Oh, a gahp. A gahp in one's hhhhhoop. Pardon me, but I'm orf to play the grahnd piano.Look, I can see you're on a wire look, there it is.Look, I told you, you bastard, I'm not on a wire.You are. There is.There isn't.Is.Isn't!Is!Isn't!Is!Isn't!Is!.Isn't!!Is!!!Anyway, this rather pointless bickering went on for some time untilGosh, I am glad I'm a fully qualified airline pilot.The British Airline Pilots Association would like to point out that it takes a chap six years to become a fully qualified airline pilot, and not two.This is the control cabin.Oh I know. I'm a flying man, you know oh yes Bally stupid mistakeCloud's heavy What's the reading?4.8 Steady.I wouldn't fancy flying one of those sitting on the toilet I mean it'd take the glamour out of being a pilot, wouldn't it, ha ha, flying around the world sitting on a toilet.Geneva here. 4.9 · ·. Heavy Over.Serious?No, not if it keeps at that level, no.Bally piece of luckOh hello. Everything an right at the back?Yes, they're as quiet as dormice.Dormice?All right, don't anybody move except to control the aeroplane you can move a little to do that.Can I move?Yes, yes, yes. You can move a little bit. Yes. Sorry, I didn't mean to be so dogmatic when I came in. Obviously you can all move a little within reason. There are certain involuntary muscular movements which no amount of self control can prevent. And obviously any assertion of authority on my part, I've got to take that into account.Right. I mean one couldn't for example, stop one's insides from moving.No, no. Good point, good point.And the very fact that the plane is continuously vibrating means that we're all moving to a certain extent.And we're all moving our lips, aren't we?Yes, yes.Absolutely.No, the gist of my meaning was that sudden er Hostess Exaggerated movements Exaggerated violent movements are are out.Well, that's the great thing about these modern airliners. I mean, I can keep this plane flying with only the smallest movement and Pancho here doesn't have to move at all.Oh, that's marvellous.Well, this is a scheduled flight to Cuba.I know, I know, that's rather why I came in here with that point about nobody moving.Within reason.Within reason yes. I er er you know, I want you to fly this plane to Luton please.Right, well I'd better turn the plane round then. Stand by emergency systems.Look I don't want to cause any trouble.,No, no, we'll manage, we'll manage.I mean, near Luton will do, you know. Harpenden, do you go near Harpenden?It's on the flight path.Okay, well, drop me off there. I'll get a bus to Luton. It's only twenty five minutes.You can be in Luton by lunchtime.Oh, well that's smashing.Hang on! There's no airport at Harpenden.Oh well, look, forget it. Forget it. I'll come to Cuba, and get a flight back to Luton from there.Well, we could lend you a parachute.No, no, no, no, no. I wouldn't dream of it wouldn't dream of it dirtying a nice, clean parachute.I know I know. There's a bale of hay outside Basingstoke. We' could throw you out.Well, if it's all right.Sure, yeah.Not any trouble?None at all.That's marvellous. Thank you very much. Sorry to come barging in.Bye bye.Thank you. Bye.Bye.Take this bus to Cuba.But it was with more simple, homespun verses that McTeagle's unique style first flowered.One woman who remembers McTeagle as a young friend Lassie O'Shen.Mr. McTeagle wrote me two poems, between the months of January and April 1969Could you read us one?Och, I dinna like to they were kinda personal but I will.Can I have Ł50 to mend the shed? I'm fight on my uppers. I can pay you back When this postal order comes from Australia. Honestly. Hope the bladder trouble's getting better. Love, Ewan.As a Highlander I would like to complain about some inaccuracies in the preceding film about the poet Ewan McTeagle. Although his name was quite clearly given as McTeagle, he was throughout wearing the Cameron tartan. Also I would like to point out that the BALPA spokesman who complained about aeronautical inaccuracies was himself wearing a captain's hat, whereas he only had lieutenant's stripes on the sleeves of his jacket. Also, in the Inverness pantomime last Christmas, the part of Puss in Boots was played by a native of New Guinea with a plate in her hp, so that every time Dick Whittington gave her a French kiss, he got the back of his throat scraped.Pat a cake, pat a cake baker's man. Good morning, madam, I'm a psychiatrist.You look like a milkman to me.Go away.They're all number three.No. Try again.They're all number three?Yogurt?Er no.Cream?No.Eggs?No.You are a bloody milkman.Don't you shout at me, madam, don't come that tone. Now then, I must ask you to accompany me down to the dairy and do some aptitude tests.I've got better things to do than come down to the dairy!Mrs. Ratbag, if you don't mind me saying so, you are badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now I'm not going to say a trip to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower paid workers a good high.All right but how am I going to get home?I'll. run you there and back on my psychiatrist's float.All right.What are those?Ah, good morning. I'm afraid our regular psychiatrist hasn't come round this morning and I've got an ego block which is in turn making my wife ever assertive and getting us both into a state of depressive neurosis.Oh, I see, sir. Who's your regular, sir?Jersey Cream Psychiatrists.I'm a doctor. Didn't I see you just now under a Scotsman? .Yes, but I am a doctor. Actually, I'm a gynecologist but that was my lunch hour.Two pints of cream.Right well I should definitely say you're suffering from a severe personality disorder, sir, sublimating itself in a lactic obsession which could get worse depending on how much money you've got.Yes, yes, I see. And a pot of yogurt, please.I would like to take this opportunity of complaining about the way in which these shows are continually portraying psychiatrists who make pat diagnoses of patients' problems without first obtaining their full medical history.I feel the time has come to complain about people who make rash complaints without first making sure that those complaints are justified.Are you referring to me?Not necessarily, however, I would like to point out that the BALPA spokesman was wearing the British Psychiatric Association Dinner Dance Club cuff links.Oh yes, I noticed that too.These are not British Psychiatric Association Dinner Dance Club cuff links.Sorry.They are in fact British Sugar Corporation Gilbert and Sullivan Society cuff links. It is in fact a sort of in joke with us lads here at BALPA. I think the last speaker should have checked his facts before making his own rash complaint.Yes, that'll teach him.Nurse! Would you take Mrs. Pim to see Dr Cream, please.Certainly, doctor. Walk this way, please.Oh, if I could walk that way ISssssh!Mrs. Pim to see you, Dr Cream.Ah yes. I just want another five minutes with Audrey. Could you show Mrs. Pim into the waiting room, please.Yes, doctor.Right, Audrey. When did you first start thinking you were a 'cow?Good evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind', we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before, that what is happening now has already happened. Tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've looks puzzled fir a moment Anyway, tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strangeGood evening. Tonight on 'It's the Mind' we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we someti mes get that we've lived through somethingOi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me.Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me. The milk float goes past in the background with the milkman and Boniface on it. We see the float go along the country lane past the clearing, past the bishopAh, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu.Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu..Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu..The BBC would like to apologize for the next announcement.Hello, and welcome to the show. Without more ado, the first item is a sketch about architects called 'The Architects Sketch'. 'The Architects Sketch'. 'The Architects Sketch'! 'The Architects Sketch'! Up there! Up there! Up there! Up there! The architects!Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this Up there!Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this Architects! Up there! Up there Shut up! Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions Gentlemen, we have two basic suggestions for the design of this architectural block, the residential block, and I thought it best that the architects themselves came in to explain the advantages of both designs.That must be the first architect now. Ah, yes. It's Mr. Wiggin of Ironside and Malone.Good morning, gentlemen. Uh, this is a twelve storey block combining classical neo Georgian features with all the advantages of modern design. Uhh, the tenants arrive in the entrance hall here, are carried along the corridor on a conveyor belt in extreme comfort and past murals depicting Mediterranean scenes, towards the rotating knives. The last twenty feet of the corridor are heavily soundproofed. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these large containers Excuse me.Hmm?Uh, did you say 'knives'?Uh, rotating knives. Yes.Are you, uh, proposing to slaughter our tenants?Does that not fit in with your plans?No, it does not. Uh, we we wanted a simple block of flats.Ahh, I see. I hadn't, uh, correctly divined your attitudeUh, huh huh.towards your tenants.Huh huh.You see, I mainly design slaughter houses.Yes. Pity.Mind you, this is a real beaut. I mean, none of your blood caked on the walls and flesh flying out of the windows inconveniencing passers by with this one. I mean, my life has been building up to this.Yes, and well done, huh, but we did want a block of flats.Well, may I ask you to reconsider? I mean, you wouldn't regret it. Think of the tourist trade.No, no, it's it's just that we wanted a block of flats and not an abattoir.Yes, well, that's the sort of blinkered, philistine pig ignorance I've come to expect from you non creative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist. You excrement! You whining, hypocritical toadies, with your color TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs and your bleeding Masonic secret handshakes! You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards! Well, I wouldn't become a freemason now if you went down on your lousy, stinking knees and begged me!Well, we're sorry you feel like that, but we, um, did want a block of flats. Nice, though, the abattoir is. Huh huh.Oh, p p p p the abattoir.That's not important, but if one of you could put in a word for me, I'd love to be a freemason. Freemasonry opens doors. I mean, um, I I was a bit on edge just now, but but if I was a mason, I'd just sit at the back and not get in anyone's way.Thank you.I've got a second hand apron.Thank you.I nearly got in at Hendon.Thank you.I'm sorry about that, gentlemen. The second architect is Mr. Leavey of Wymis and Dibble.Oh.Good morning, gentlemen.Morning.Uhh, this is a scale model of the block. Uh, there are twenty eight stories with two hundred and eighty modern apartments. There are three main lifts and two service lifts. Access would be from Dibbingley Road.Uhh, the structure is built on a central pillar system, uh,with cantilevered floors in pre stressed steel and concrete. Uh, the dividing walls on each floor section are fixed with recessed magnalium flanged grooves.Quite frankly, I think the central pillar system may need strengthening a bit.Isn't that going to put the cost up?Uh, it might.Well, I don't know whether I'd worry about strengthening that much. After all, they're not meant to be luxury flats. Huh.No, I quite agree. I mean, providing the tenants are of light build and relatively sedentary and, uhh, er instead given a spot of good weather, I think we're on to a winner here.Yes.Uh, thank you.I quite agree. I quite agree.Thank you very much. Thank you.It opens doors, I'm telling you.What other ways are there of recognizing a mason?No.No?! That's wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! No! No! Bad!Oh! And the next item is a sketch about insurance called 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'. 'Insurance Sketch'What do you want?Well I've come about your special fully comprehensive motor insurance policy offerWhat was that?Fully comprehensive motor insurance for one and eight pence.Oh, oh, yes yeah well, unfortunately, guv, that offer's no longer valid. You see, it turned out not to be economically viable, so we now have a totally new offerWhat's that?A nude lady.A nude lady?Yes. You get a nude lady with a fully comprehensive motor insurance. If you just want third party she has to keep her bra on, and if it's just theftNo, no, I don't really want that, Mr. er MrDevious.Mr. Devious, I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin,Aston Martin?Yes.Five hundred quid?Forty quid.Forty quid?Forty quid and a nude lady.No, no, I'm not interested in a nude lady.Dirty books?No, no, look, I'm not interested in any of that. I just want to know what it would cost me to have a fully comprehensive insurance on a 1970 Aston Martin. Can you please quote me your price.Knock knock.Who's there?The ReverendThe Reverend who?The Reverend Morrison.Oh, come in.Now then, vic. What's the trouble?Well, it's about this letter you sent me.Excuse me, do I have any more lines?Yeah.No no, you've finished.It's about this letter you sent me regarding my insurance claim.Oh, yeah, yeah well, you see, it's just that we're not as yet totally satisfied with the grounds of your claim.But it says something about filling my mouth in with cement.Oh well, that's just insurance jargon, you know.But my car was hit by a lorry while standing in the garage and you refuse to pay my claim.Oh dear.You see, you unfortunately plumped for our 'Neverpay' policy, which, you know, if you never claim is very worthwhile but you had to claim, and, well, there it is.Oh dear, oh dear.Still, never mind could be worse. How's the nude lady?Look Rev I hate to see a man cry, so shove off out 't office. There's a good chap.OK, Devious Don't move!The bishop!The bishop!'C. OF E. FILMS' 'IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE SUNDAY SCHOOLS BOARD' 'PRESENT' 'THE BISHOP' 'STARRING THE REVEREND E, P. NESBITT' 'AND INTRODUCING F. B. GRIMSBY URQHART WRIGHT 4S THE VOICE OF GOD' 'SPECIAL EFFECTS BY THE MODERATOR OF THE CHURCH OF SCOTLAND' 'DIRECTED BY PREBENDARY ~CHOPPER HARRIS'I take as my text for todayThe text, Vic! Don't say the text!Leviticus 3 14. . .We was too late. The Reverend Grundy bit the ceiling.Hello? ' What? We'll be right over!And it is for this reason that the Christian Church lays upon you, the godparents, the obligation of seeing this child is brought up in the Christian faith. Therefore, I name this childDon't say the kid's name, Vic!Francesco LuigiWe was too late The Rev. Neuk saw the light.The ring, Vic Don't touch the ring! Hey Vic! dust to dust, ashes to ashes.Help help help help help helpOK, Devious, don't move!The bishop!No.These two old people are typical of the housing problem facing Britain's aged.Here! Don't you start doing a documentary on us, young man.Oh please No, you leave us alone!Oh, just a little one about the appalling conditions under which you live.No! Get out of our house! Go on!Oh all fight. Come on, George, pick it up.Why don't you do a documentary about the drug problem round in Walton Street?Oh, I'll go and have a bath.The splendor fans on castle walls And snowy summits old in story'Ere, there's Alfred Lord Tennyson in the bathroom.Well, at least the poet's been installed, then.Yes, a poet is essential for complete home comfort, and all year round reliability at low cost. We in the East Midlands Poet Board hope to have a poet in every home by the end of next year.I wandered lonely as a cloud That floats on highMorning, madam, I've come to read your poet.Oh yes, he's in the cupboard under the stairs.What is it, a Swinburne? Shelley?No, it's a Wordsworth.Oh, bloody daffodils.A host of golden daffodils Beside the lake, beneath the' trees Fluttering and dancing in the breezeContinuous as the stars that shine And twinkle in the Milky Way They stretch inRight. Thank you, madam.Oh, not at all. Thank you It's a nice day, isn't it?Now on BBC television a choice of viewing. On BBC 2 a discussion on censorship between Derek Hart, The Bishop of Woolwich and a nude man. And on BBC 1 me telling you this. And nowWe don't want that, do we. Do you really want that cherry in your tea? Do you like doing this job?Well, it's a living, isn't it?I mean, don't you get bored reading people's poets all day?Well, you know, sometimes yeah. Anyway, I think I'd better be going.Oh yes, yes.It's four and a half volts.No, no, I must be off, really.I've got Thomas Hardy in the bedroom. I'd like you to look at him.Ah well, I can't touch him. He's a novelist.Oh, he keeps mumbling all night.Oh well, novelists do, you see.Harness.No, no! Your first name, silly!Wombat.Oh, Wombat. Wombat Harness! Take me to the place where eternity knows no bounds, where the garden of love encloses us round. Oh Harness!All right, I'll have a quick look at yer Thomas Hardy.Nude man, what did you make of that?Well, don't you see, that was exactly the kind of explicit sexual reference I'm objecting to. It's titillation for the sake of it. A deliberate attempt at cheap sensationalism. I don't care what the so called avant garde, left wing, intellectual namby pambies say It is filth!Bishop.Okay, don't anybody move!The BBC would like to apologize for the constant repetition in this show.The BBC would like to apologize for the constant repetition in this show.Thank you. And now a sketch about a chemist called The Chemist Sketch.These are the words that are not to be used again on this program.Semprini!?pointing Out!Right, who's got a boil on his Semprini, then?Good morning.Good morning, sir.Good morning. I'd like some aftershave, please.Ah, certainly. Walk this way, please.If I could walk that way I wouldn't need aftershave.Good morning.Yes. I'd like some aftershave.Ah. A toilet requisite t t t t t Would you like to try this, sir. It's our very very latest, it's called Sea Mist.How about something a little more musky? This one's called Mimmo.Not really, no. Have you anything a little more fishier?Fishier?Fishier.Fish, fish, fish. A fishy requisite t t t t tLike halibut or sea bass.Or bream?Yes.No, we haven't got any of that ah, I've got mackerel or cod or hakeYou haven't got anything a little more halibutish?Er parrot? What's that doing there? Or skate with just a hint of prawn? Or crab, tiger and almonds, very unusual.I really had my heart set on halibut.Well, sir, we had a fishy consignment in this morning, so I could nip down to the basement and see if I can come up trumps on this particular requisite t t t t t. So it was halibut or ?Sea bass.Sea bass. Won't be a moment.How long will that be?Twenty minutes.Twenty minutes!Oh I wonder what other people use for aftershave lotion?I use a body rub called Halitosis to make my breath seem sweet.I use an aftershave called Semprini.I use two kinds of aftershave lotions Frankincense, Myrrh three kinds of aftershave lotions, Frankincense, Myrrh, Sandalwood four kinds of aftershave lotion. Frankincense, .I have a cold shower every morning just before I go mad, and then I go mad, 1. Mad, 2. Mad, 3. Mad, 4I use Rancid Polecat number two. It keeps my skin nice and scaly.Well I'm afraid they don't have any at our Kensington branch. But we have some down at the depot.Where's that?Aberdeen.Aberdeen?It's all fight. Wait here I've got a car.No, no, no. I'll take the other, the crab, tiger andAlmond requisite t t ?I'll take it.Right. Right! RIGHT! Now then! Now then! Your turn.Aren't you going to say 'What's all this then?'?Oh! Right, what's all this, then?This man has been shoplifting, officer.Oh, he has? Yes?Yes.Are you trying to tell me my job?No, but he's been shoplifting.Look! I must warn you that anything you may say will be ignored and furthermore, given half a chance I'll put my fist through your teeth. F'tang. F'tang.But officer, this man hereI've had enough of you. You're under arrest.No I'm not.sticking his head out of mac He's not I'm a witness.Heresy. Blimey. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.What for?JOHN The BBC would like to apologize to the police about the character of Police Constable Pan Am. He was not meant to represent the average police officer. Similarly, the reference to Buzz Aldrin, the astronaut, was the product of a disordered mind and should not be construed as having any other significance. Photo of Buzz Aldrin.Monty Python's Flying Circus tonight comes to you live from the Grillomat Snack Bar, Paignton.Hello to you live from the Grillomat Snack Bar, Paignton. And so, without any more ado, let's have the titles.It'sa letter, a hotel registration book, and a series of photographs, which could add up to divorce, premature retirement, and possible criminal proceedings for a company director in Bromsgrove. He's a freemason, and a conservative M.P., so that's 3,000 pounds please Mr. S thank you to stop us from revealingYour name, The name of the three other people involved, The youth organization to which they belonged, and The shop where you bought the equipment!the longer you leave it, the *more* you have to pay! Tonight, Stop the Film visits the little Thames side village of Thames Ditton.Well, here we go, here we go now, let's seewhere's our man. Oh yes, there he is behind the tree now. Mm, boy, this is fun, this is good fun. He looks respectable, so we should be in for some realreal chucks here. A member of the government, could be a brain surgeon, they're the worst. wow! Look at the 'size' of that..briefcase. Aah, yes, he's, he's up to the door, rung the doorbell now. O oh, who's the little number with the nightie and the whip, eh? Heh heh. Doesn't look like his mother.could be his sister. If it is he's in real trouble.And just look at that, they're upstairs already whoah, boy, this is fun! A very brave man, our contestant tonight. Who ho ho!! This is no Tupperware party! Very brave man, they don't usually get this far What's what's that, what's she's doing to his..is that a CHICKEN up there? No, no, it's just the way she's holding the grapefruit Whoah, ho hoHello siryesaha ha hayes, just in time, sir, that waswhat? No, no, sir, it's alright, we don't morally censor, we just want the money. Thank you sir, yes,.what? You..okay.Thank you for playing the game, sir, very nice indeed, okay.okay, see you tonight, Dad, bye bye.Well, that's all from this edition of Blackmail. Join me next week, same time, same channel.Join me, two dogs, and a vicar, when we'll be playing Pedorasto, the game for all the family. Thank you, thank you, thank youGentlemen, pray silence for the President of the Royal Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things.Er, Cutler, Staffordshire. Um well, Mr. Chairman, it's just that most of the members in Staffordshire feel the whole thing's a bit silly.Good Lord. I'm on film. How did that happen?It's film again. What's going on?Gentlemen! I have bad news. This room is surrounded by film.What! What!We're trapped!Don't panic, we'll get out of this.How?We'll tunnel our way out.Good thinking, sir. I'll get the horse.Okay Captain, you detail three men, start digging and load them up with cutlery, and then we'll have a rota, we'll have two hours digging, two hours vaulting and then two hours sleeping, okay?All right, Medwin, lees see you get over that horse. Pick your feet up, Medwin. Come on, boy!Ze stupid English. Zey are prisoners and all they do is the sport.One thing worries me, Fritz.Ja?Where's the traditional cheeky and lovable Cockney sergeant?Good. Everything seems to be in order.Colonel! I've just found another exit, sir.Okay, quickly, run this way.Oh, I'm terribly sorry, excuse me.Ah, hello. Well they certainly seem to be in a tight spot, and I spot our next item so let's get straight on with the fun and go over to the next item or dish! Ha, ha!Hello. 'Ow are you? I'm fine. Welcome to a new half hour chat show in which me, viz the man what's talking to you now, and Brooky to wit my flat mate and nothing else, I'd like to emphasize that discuss current affairs issues of burning import.Have you heard the one about the three nuns in the nudist colony?Shut up. Tonight, the population explosion.Apparently there were these three nunsShut up. Come the year 1991, given the present rate of increase in the world's population, the Chinese will be three deep. Another thingSorry, loves, sorry, the show is too long this week and this scene's been cut.Lord Hill's at the bottom Of this.But if you can find a piano stool you can appear later on in the show on film.'Ow much?Oh, about ten bob each.I wouldn't wipe me nose on it.'Ave you 'eard the one about these three nunsSh. I can hear something. 'Ang about, we may still get in this show as a link.That's clever. How do they do that?color separation, you cotton head.Well, if you'll just wait in here, sir, I'm sure Mr. Thompson won't keep you waiting long.Fine. Thanks very much. He picks up a magazine. The mirror behind him without warning falls off the wall and smashes to the ground. The butler returns, and looks at the man enquiringly.The mirror fell off the wall.Sir?The mirror fell off off the wall it fell.Ah, it it came off the wall.Yes, sir?It just came right off the wall.Really, sir.Yes, I I didn't touch it.Yes. It just fell off the wall.Don't move. I'll get help.Yes er, fell off the wall.Oh my God, what a mess. 'Ere, did you do this?No, no. I didn't do all this. It it did it all.Oh? Well 'ere, hold this. I'll get started.Oh, it's jolly nice. What is it?It's a Brazilian dagger. Ooops.Er, she just fell on on to the dagger.Yes, just gave me the dagger and tripped, and went, 'Oops'.Yes sir, I understand.I mean, I didn't erOh no, no, of course not, sir, I understand.I mean she she just, erFell?Fell.That's him.Right, sir.Hello, officer. There seems to have been an accident. Well, several accidents actually.You swine. I'll get you for that.Er, I won't wait. I'll phone.Sorry.'Tis time the seven Smith brothers had brides. Fetch me Smith Major.Sir.'Tis time you and your six brothers were married.Thank you, Headmaster.Fetch me your six brothers, that the seven brothers may be together.Behold, the seven brothers.Right, I'll see Watson, Wilkins, and Spratt in my study afterwards.The Sabine School for Girls.Yes, and it's the Annual Dance.Fetch hither the seven brides for seven brothers.Behold the seven brides.What you do in your own time, Padre, is written on the wall in the vestry.Right, do you four boys take these two girls to be your seven brides?Yes, sir.Right, go and do your prep.Good morning, I'd care to purchase a chicken, please.Don't come here with that posh talk you nasty, stuck up twit.I beg your pardon?A chicken, sir. Certainly.Thank you. And how much does that work out to per pound, my good fellow?Per pound, you slimy Trollope, what kind of a ponce are you?I'm sorry?4/6 a pound, sir, nice and ready for roasting.I see, and I'd care to purchase some stuffing in addition, please.Use your own, you great poofy poonagger!What?Ah, certainly sir, some stuffing.Oh, thank you.'Oh, thank you' says the great queen like a la di dah poofta.I beg your pardon?That's all right, sir, call again.Excuse me.What is it now, you great pillock?Well, I can't help noticing that you insult me and then you're polite to me alternately.I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir.That's all right. It doesn't really matter.Tough titty if it did, you nasty spotted prancer.MICHAEL This is Ken Clean air Systems, the great white hope of the British boxing world. After three fights and only two convictions his manager believes that Ken is ready to face the giant American, Satellite Five.The great thing about Ken is that he's almost totally stupid.Every morning, he jogs the forty seven miles from his two bedroomed, eight bathroom, six up two down, three to go house in Reigate, to the Government's Pesticide Research Centre at Shoreham. Nobody knows why.Basically Ken is a very gentle, home loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.Oh he was such a pretty baby, always so kind and gentle. He was really considerate to his mother, and not at all the kind of person you'd expect to pulverize their opponent into a bloody mass of flesh and raw bone, spitting teeth and fragments of gum into a ring which had become one man's hell and Ken's glory.I used to wake Ken up with a crowbar on the back of the head. But I recently found that this was too far from his brain and I wasn't getting through to him anymore. So I now wake him up with a steel peg driven into his skull with a mallet.For breakfast every day, Ken places a plate of liver and bacon under his chair, and locks himself in the cupboard.Well, he's having a lot of mental difficulties with his breakfasts, but this is temperament, caused by a small particle of brain in his skull, and once we've removed that he'll be perfectly all right.Urn, straight down there. Straight down there.Hello. When Ken is in a really deep sleep like this one, the only way to wake him up is to saw his head off.What is he like in the ring, this human dynamo, this eighteen stone bantam weight battering ram? We asked his sparring partner and one time childhood sweetheart, Maureen Spencer.Well, I think that if Ken keeps his right up, gets in with the left jab and takes the fight to his man well, he should go for a cut eye in the third and put Wilcox on the canvas by six.Well, I'm a southpaw and I think this will confuse him, particularly with his brain problem.I think boxin's a splendid sport teaches you self defense.Obviously boxing must have its limits, but providing they're both perfectly fit I can see nothing wrong with one healthy man heating the bring daylights out of a little schoolgirl.It's quick and it's fun.Hello, good evening, and welcome to 'It's A Living'. The rules are very simple each week we get a large fee; at the end of that week we get another large fee; if there's been no interruption at the end of the year we get a repeat fee which can be added on for tax purposes to the previous year or the following year if there's no new series. Every contestant, in addition to getting a large fee is entided to three drinks at the BBC or if the show is over, seven drinks unless he is an MP, in which case he can have seven drinks before the show, or a bishop only three drinks in toto. The winners will receive an additional fee, a prize which they can flog back and a special fee for a guest appearance on 'Late Night Line Up'. Well, those are the rules, that's the game, we'll be back again same time next week. Till then. Bye bye.Well, it's five past nine and nearly time for six past nine. On BBC2 now it'll shortly be six and a half minutes past nine. Later on this evening it'll be ten o'clock and at 10.30 we'll be joining BBC2 in time for 10.33, and don't forget tomorrow when it'll be 9.20. Those of you who missed 8.45 on Friday will be able to see it again this Friday at a quarter to nine. Now here is a time check. It's six and a half minutes to the big green thing.You're a loony.I get so bored. I get so bloody bored.I'm terribly sorry to interrupt but my tooth's hurting, just around here.Get off.Oh, sorry.I'm not sorry to interrupt I'll interrupt anything if it gets people looking in my direction like at my old school where, by a coincidence, the annual prize giving is going on at this very moment.Velly solly for hold up no ploblem now me are Bishop of East Anglia, now piesent plizes Eyes down for first plize The Fyffe Chulmleigh Spoon for Latin Elegaics 'goes to People's Republic of China! Aaaagh!Good evening, everybody. My name's Bradshaw Inspector Elizabeth Bradshaw, of the Special Branch Speech Day Squad, but I'd like you to think of me as the Bishop of East Anglia, and I'd like to present the first prize, the Grimwade Gynn Trophy toOh yes, well, I mean, there were some people who said my film '2001 A Space Odyssey', was similar to Stanley Kubrick's. I mean, that's the sort of petty critical niggling that's dogged my career. It makes me sick. I mean, as soon as I'd made 'Midnight Cowboy' with the vicar as Ratso Rizzo, John Schlesinger rushes out his version, and gets it premiered while mine's still at the chemist's.Well, we have with us tonight one of your films, 'Rear Window', which was to become such a success for Alfred Hitchcock a few weeks later. Now this is a silent film, so perhaps you could talk us through itYes, well, let's see now there's the rear window. There's the man looking out of the window. He sees the murder. The murderer's come into the room to kill him, but he's outwitted him and he's all right. The End. I mean, Alfred Hitchcock, who's supposed to be so bloody wonderful, padded that out to one and a half hours lost all the tension just because he had bloody Grace Kelly he made Ł3 million more than I did. Mind you, at least she can act a bit, I could have done with her in 'Finian's Rainbow' The man from the off license was terrible a real failure that was ten seconds of solid boredom.Bloody terrible.That gives you just some idea of what's going on out there. Today saw the long awaited publication of the Portman Committee's Report on Industrial ReorganizationIt's taken five years to prepare and it's bound to have an enormous impact on the future of industrial relations in this country. In the studio tonight Lord Porlman, Chairman of the Committee, Sir Charles Avery, Employers' Reorganization Council, and Ray Millichope, leader of the Allied Technicians' Union. And they're going to make a human pyramid..Bra vo. Now the President of the Board of TradeNow here's the Vice Chairman of ICI.Who shall declare this good, that ill When good and ill so intertwine But to fulfill the vast design Of an omniscient will. When seeming again but turns to loss When earthly treasure proves but dross And what seems lost but turns again To high eternal gain.We had the most marvelous holiday. It was absolutely fantastic.Absolutely wonderful.Michael, you tell them about it.No, darling, you tell them.You do it so much better.Excuse me a moment.Dung, sir.What?We've got your dung.What dung?I didn't order any dung.Yes you did, sir. You ordered it through the Book of the Month Club.Book of the Month Club?That's fight, sir. You get 'Gone with the Wind', 'Les Miserables' by Victor Hugo, 'The French Lieutenant's Woman' and with every third book you get dung.I didn't know that when I signed the form.Well, no, no. It wasn't on the form they found it wasn't good for business. Anyway, we've got three hundredweight of dung in the van. Where do you want it?Well, I don't think we do. We've no garden.Well, it'll all fit in here it's top class excrement.You can't put it in here, we've having a dinner party!'Salright. I'll put it on the telly.Darling there's a man here with our Book of the Month Club dung.We've no room, dear.Well, how many rooms have you got, then?Well, there's only this room, the bedroom, a spare room.Oh well, I'll tell you what, move everything into the main bedroom, then you can use the spare room as a dung room.Yes.Dead Indian.What?Have you recently bought a new cooker, sir?Yes.Ah well, this is your free dead Indian, as advertisedI didn't see that in the advertsNo, it's in the very small print, you see, sir, so as not to affect the sales.We've no room.That's all right you can put the dead Indian in the spare room on top of the dung.Me heap dizzy.He's not dead!Oh well, that's probably a faulty cooker.Have you, er you read and enjoyed 'The French Lieutenant's Woman', then?No.No still, it's worth it for the dung, isn't it?Darling, it's the Milk Marketing Board. For every two cartons of single cream we get the M4 motorway.Are you Mr. and Mrs. P. Forbes of 7, the Studios, Elstree?Yes.Right, well, get in the car. We've won you in a police raffle.Yes! This couple is just one of the prizes in this year's Police Raffle. Other prizes include two years for breaking and entering, a crate of search warrants, a 'What's all this then?' T shirt and a weekend for two with a skinhead of your own choice.Nigel! Wonderful to see you, super, super, super. Am I a teeny bit late?A bit, an hour.Oh, super! Only Snowdon's been re touching my profile and we can't upset the lovely Snowdon, can we?Gosh, no.Well, IIt is so nice to have this little talk about things. I heard a teeny rumorlette that you were married.Well, not quite, no. My wife's just died, actually.Well, no. II'll get Peter, William, Arthur, Alex, Joan, Ted, Scott, Will, John and Ray to fix it up. It is so nice having this little chat.Well, actually Timmy, I'm glad to get you on your ownYou don't mind if Peter just sits in, do you?Well, actuallyOnly he's doing an article on me for the 'Mail'. He's such a lovely person.Hello.Well, actually, Timmy, the thing is, it's a bit private.Oh, you don't mind if Peter just sits in, do you? Only Peter's writing a book on me. Peter, you know Tony from the 'Mail', don't you?Yes, we met in the Turkish bath yesterday.Super, super. Did it come up well in the writing yesterday?Great, great, great.Yes, I did.Super, super, super. Just to fill you in, this is Nigel Watt and we are having a little heart to hem. H E A R T. Smashing. Do go on, Nigel.Well, well, the thing is, Timmy, um erWell, the thing is, Timmy, I'm a bit embarrassed.Sorry, sorry, Timmy. Can we just go from where Mario comes in, we're getting bad sound, OK?It's German television. Isn't it exciting, Nigel? They're doing a prize winning documentary on me.'The Wonderful Mr. Williams', scene 239, take 2.Action!Yes, sir.It it wasn't a bit too wicked, was it? I mean, it wasn't too cruel?No, no, no. It was great.No, super well, er I think it shows I'm human, don't you?Yes, great.Timmy Wilhams' Coffee Time' was brought to you live from Woppi's in Holborn.Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight one of Britain's leading skin specialists Raymond Luxury Yacht.That's not my name.I'm sorry Raymond Luxury Yach t.No, no, no it's spelt Raymond Luxury Yach t, but it's pronounced 'Throatwobbler Mangrove'.You're a very silly man and I'm not going to interview you.Ah, anti Semitism!Give me my nose back.You can collect it at reception. Now go away.I want to be on the television.Well you can't.Er, excuse me, I want to get married.I'm afraid I'm already married, sir.Er, no, no. I just want to get married.I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be a bit of a wrench.Er, no, no. That wouldn't be necessary becauseYou see, would you come to my place or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.No, no, I want to get married here.Oh dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.Look, I just want you to marry me toI want to marry you too sir, but it's not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married?Yes. I want to get married very quickly.Suits me, sir. Suits me.I don't want to marry you!There is such a thing as breach of promise, sir.Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.I will marry you sir, but please make up your mind. Please don't trifle with my affections.I'm sorry, butThat's all right, sir. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.Look, I'm already engaged.I'm afraid I'm already marrying this gentleman, sir.Well, can I get married after him?Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, sir. Still, if you're keen.Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it. All right, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, sir.What, those two getting married Nigel What are you doing marrying him?He's marrying me first, sir.He's engaged to me.Blimey, the wife.Will you marry me?I'm already married.Well, things turned out all right in the end, but you mustn't ask how 'cos it's naughty. They're all married and living quite well in a council estate near Dulwich.And it's a straight fight here at Leicester and we're expecting the result any moment now. There with the Returning Officer is Arthur Smith the sensible candidate and next to him is Jethro Q. Walrustitty the silly candidate with his agent and his silly wife.Sensible PartySilly Party33,108. applauseWell there we have the first result of the election and the Silly party has held Leicester. Norman.Well pretty much as I predicted, except that the Silly party won. Er, I think this is largely due to the number of votes cast. Gerald.Well there's a big swing here to the Silly Party, but how big a swing I'm not going to tell you.I think one should point out that in this constituency since the last election a lot of very silly people have moved into new housing estates with the result that a lot of sensible voters have moved further down the road the other side of number er, 29.Well I can't add anything to that. Colin?Can I just say that this is the first time I've been on television?No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we're just going straight over to Luton.Well here at Luton it's a three cornered contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones Sensible Party, Tarquin Fin tim lim bim lim bin bim bin bim bus stop F'tang F'tang Olé Biscuit barrel Silly Party, and Kevin Phillips Bong, who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket. And here's the result.Alan JonesSensible9,112. Kevin Phillips BongSlightly SillyNaught. Tarquin Fin tim lin bin whin bim lim bus stop F'tang F'tang Olé Biscuit barrelSilly12,441. applauseWell there you have it, the first result of the election as the Silly Party take Luton. Norman.Well this is a very significant result. Luton, normally a very sensible constituency with a high proportion of people who aren't a bit silly, has gone completely ga ga.And we've just heard that James Gilbert has with him the winning Silly candidate at Luton.Tarquin, are you pleased with this result?And do we have the swing at Luton?Er no.Can I just say that this is the second time I've been on television?No, I'm sorry there isn't time, we're just about to get another result.And this one is from Harpenden Southeast. A very interesting constituency this in addition to the official Silly candidate there is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in the slab of concrete, and he could well split the silly vote here at Harpenden Southeast.Mrs. Elsie ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzSillySensible26,318Very close!Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Blackpool Rock Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable Brrroooo Norman Michael rings bell blows whistle Edward sounds car horn does train impersonation sounds buzzer Thomas Moo sings We'll keep a welcome in the fires gun William makes silly noise Raindrops keep falling on my weird noise Don't sleep in the subway cuckoo cuckoo Naaoooo Smith.Very Sillytwo.Well there you have it, a Sensible gain at Harpenden with the Silly vote being split.And we've just heard from Luton that Tony Stratton Smith has with him there the unsuccessful Slightly Silly candidate, Kevin Phillips Bong.Kevin Phillips Bong. You polled no votes at all. Not a sausage. Bugger all. Are you at all disappointed with this performance?A very brave Kevin Phillips Bong there. Norman.And I've just heard from Luton that my aunt is ill. Possibly gastro enteritis, possibly just catarrh. Gerald.Right. Er, Colin?Can I just say that I'll never appear on television again?No I'm sorry, there isn't time, we have to pick up a few results you may have missed. A little pink pussy cat has taken Barrow in Furness that's a gain from the Liberals there. Rastus Odinga Odinga has taken Wolverhampton Southwest, that's Enoch Powell's old constituency an important gain there for Darkie Power. Arthur Negus has held Bristols that's not a result, that's just a piece of gossip. Sir Alec Douglas Home has taken Oldham for the Stone Dead party. A small piece of putty about that big, a cheese mechanic from Dunbar and two frogs one called Kipper the other not have all gone Ni ni ni ni ni ni! in Blackpool Central. And so it's beginning to look like a Silly landslide, and with the prospect of five more years' Silly government facing us we Oh I don't want to do this any more, I'm bored!He's right you know, it is a bloody waste of time.Absolute waste of time.I wanted to be a gynecologistIn the fifth century, as the once mighty Roman Empire crumbled, the soft underbelly of Western Europe lay invitingly exposed to the barbarian hordes to the East. Alaric the Visigoth, Galseric the Vandal and Theodoris the Ostrogoth in turn swept westward in a reign of terror. But none surpassed in power and cruelty the mighty Attila the Hun.Ladies and gentlemen, it's the 'The Attila the Hun Show'.In the second quarter of the fifth century, the Huns became a byword for merciless savagery. Their Khan was the mighty warrior Attila. With his devastating armies he swept across Central Europe.Oh darling, I'm home.Hello darling. Had a busy day at the office?I won't say I'm glad to see you, but boy, am I glad to see you.Hi, daddy.Hi, daddy.Heah you are, Mr. Hun!Hi, Uncle Tom.There's a whole horde of them marauding Visigoths to see y'all.It's Yes, it's Attila the Nun.A simple country girl who took a vow of eternal brutality.Nurse!Hello, Miss Norris. How are you?Not too bad, thank you, doctor.Yes, well I think I'd better examine you.What are they doing here?Thank you, thank you. Charles Crompton, the Stripping Doctor. And next, gentlemen and ladies, here at the Peephole Club for the very first time a very big welcome please for the Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.Wasn't he marvellous? The Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs! And now gentlemen and ladies, a very big welcome please for the Minister of Pensions and Social Security!Yes, today in Britain there is a new wave of interest in politics and politicians.Well, we're just in it for the lobbying, you know. We just love lobbying.And the debates you know a good debate is just fabulous.Well, I've been going with ministers for five years now and, you know 1 think they're wonderful.Oh yes, I like civil servants.Oh yes, they're nice.I like the Speaker.Oh yes.I like Black Rod.What do their parents think?Well she's broken our hearts, the little bastard. She's been nothing but trouble and if she comes round here again I'll kick her teeth in.Have you been talking to television again, dear?Yes, I bloody told 'em.What about?I dunno.Was it Reginald Bosanquet?No, no, no.Did he have his head all bandaged?No, it wasn't like that. They had lots of lights and cameras and tape recorders and all that son of thing.Hello Mr. and Mrs. Concrete?Yes.Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, how very nice. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Leslie Ames, the Chairman of the Test Selection Committee, and I'm very pleased to be able to tell you that your flat has been chosen as the venue for the third test against the West Indies.Really?No, it was just a little joke. Actually, I am the Council Ratcatcher.Oh yes, we've been expecting you.Oh, I gather you've got a little rodental problem.Oh, blimey. You'd think he was awake all the night, scrabbling down by the wainscoting.Um, that's an interesting word, isn't it?What?Wainscoting Wainscoting Wainscoting sounds like a little Dorset village, doesn't it? Wainscoting.We've been mentioned on telly!Now, where is it worst?Well, down here. You can usually hear them.SshhhBaa baa baa baa baa baaNo, that's sheep you've got there.Baa baa.No, that's definitely sheep. A bit of a puzzle, really.Is it?Yeah, well, I mean it's a not going to respond to a nice piece of cheese and b it isn't going to fit into a trap.Oh what are you going to do?Well, we'll have to look for the hole.Oh yeah. There's one here.No, no, that's mice.Ah, ,this is what we're after.Excuse me, is the third test in here?No that was a joke a joke!Right. Well, I'm going in the wainscoting.They said it again.I'm going to lay down some sheep poison.Baa, baa, baa.Aagh. Ooh! It's got a gun!Blimey.Now, normally a sheep is a placid, timid creature, but you've got a killer.It's an entirely new strain of sheep, a killer sheep that can not only hold a rifle but is also a first class shot.But where are they coming from, professor? was wearing in yesterday's raid on Selfridges.I'll carry out tests on it straight away, professor.Hello, is the third test in here, please?Professor, there are some cricketers in the laboratory.This may be even more serious than even I had at first been imagining. What a strange strange line. There's no time to waste. Get me the Chief Commissioner of Police.Yes, sir!No, no, on the phone.Professor! What is it? What have you seen?Look there, in the doorway.Urghhh! Arthur X! Leader of the Pennine Gang!But soon the killer sheep began to infect other animals with its startling intelligence. Pussy cats began to arrange mortgages, cocker spaniels began to design supermarketsAnd parrots started to announce television programs. It's 8 o'clock and time for the News.Cut back to the same narrator at desk.'Allo, 'allo, 'allo.'Allo, 'allo, 'allo.Who's a pretty boy, then?'Allo, 'allo, 'allo.And while that's going on, here is the news for gibbons. No gibbons were involved today in an accident on the M 1 In the debate a spokesman accused the Government of being silly and doing not at all gbod things. The member accepted this in a spirit of healthy criticism, but denied that he'd ever been naughty with a choirboy. Angry shouts of 'what about the watermelon, then?' were ordered by the Speaker to be stricken from the record and put into a brown paper bag in the lavvy. Any further interruptions would be cut off and distributed amongst the poor. For the Government a Front Bench Spokesman said the agricultural tariff would have to be raised, and he fancied a bit. Furthermore, he argued, this would give a large boost to farmers, and a lot of fun to him, his friend and Miss Moist of Knightsbridge. From the back benches there were opposition shouts of 'postcards for sale' and a healthy cry of 'who likes a sailor, then?' from the Minister without Portfolio. Replying, the Shadow Minister said, he could no longer deny the rumors but he and the dachshund were very happy; and, in any case, he argued, rhubarb was cheap and what was the harm in a sauna bath.Well that's all for Attila the Bun, and now idiots!Arthur Figgis is an idiot. A village idiot. Tonight we look at the idiot in society.Yes, splendid.That's Mr. Jenkins he's another idiot. And so you see the idiot does provide a vital psycho social service for this community. Oh, excuse me, a coach party has just arrived. I shall have to fall off the wall, I'm afraid.Arthur takes idiotting seriously. He is up at six o'clock every morning working on special training equipment designed to keep him silly. And of course he takes great pride in his appearance.Like the doctor, the blacksmith, the carpenter, Mr. Figgis is an important figure in this village and like them he uses the local bank.Yes, we have quite a number of idiots banking here.What kind of money is there in idiotting?Well nowadays a really blithering idiot can make anything up to ten thousand pounds a year if he's the head of some big industrial combine. But of course, the more old fashioned idiot still refuses to take money.Mr. Brando.Yes?Hollywood on the phone.I'll take it in the office.But Mr. Figgis is no ordinary idiot. He is a lecturer in idiocy at the University of East Anglia. Here he is taking a class of third year students.After three years of study these apprentice idiots receive a diploma of idiocy, a handful of mud and a kick on the head.But some of the older idiots resent the graduate idiot.I'm a completely self taught idiot. I mean, ooh arh, nob arhh, nob arhh . nobody does that anymore. Anybody who did that round here would be laughed off the street. No, nowadays people want something wittier.Kevin O'Nassis works largely with walls.But what of the idiot's private life? How about his relationship with women?Well I may be an idiot but I'm no fool.Eton, Sandhurst and the Guards, ha, ha, ha, ha.I can't remember but I've got it written down some where.Daddy's a banker. He needed a wastepaper basket.Father was Home Secretary and mother won the Derby.The headquarters of these urban idiots is here in St John's Wood. Inside they can enjoy the company of other idiots and watch special performances of ritual idiotting.Well left.Well played.Well well.Well bred.Splendid. Just listen to those thighs. And now it's the North East's turn with the Samba. Brian.Oh, shut up or we'll close the bar. And now Bo Wildeburg is running up to bowl to Cowdrey, he runs up, he bowls to Cowdrey and no shot at all. Extremely well not played there.Yes, beautifully not done anything about.A superb shot of no kind whatsoever. I well remember Plum Warner leaving a very similar ball alone in 1732.Gin and tonic please.I well remember a similar divan being brought on at Headingley in 9 BC against the darkies.Oh, shut up, elephant snout. And now the green Chesterfield has taken guard and Iceland are putting on their spin dryer to bowl.The spin dryer moves back to his mark, it runs out to the wicket, bowls to the table a little bit short but it's coming in a bit there and it's hit him on the pad and the table is out, leg before wicket. That is England naught for one.Well here at Epsom we take up the running with fifty yards of this mile and a half race to go and it's the wash basin in the lead from WC Pedestal. Tucked in nicely there is the sofa going very well with Joanna Southcott's box making a good run from hat stand on the rails, and the standard lamp is failing fast but it's wash basin definitely taking up the running now being strongly pressed by At the post it's the wash basin from WC then sofa, hat stand, standard lamp and lastly Joanna Southcott's box.Yes, yes;And what's your name?I go to church regularly.Jolly good, I see, and which prize do you have particular eyes on this evening?I'd like the blow on the head.The blow on the head.Just there.Jolly good. Well your first question for the blow on the head this evening is what great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states?I don't know that!Well, have a guess.Henri Bergson.Is the correct answer!Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him.Jolly good.I don't like darkies.Ha ha ha. Who does! And now your second question for the blow on the head is what is the main food that penguins eat?Pork luncheon meat.No.Spam?No, no, no. What do penguins eat? Penguins.Penguins?Yes.I hate penguins.No, no, no.They eat themselves.No, no, what do penguins eat?Horses! Armchairs!No, no, no. What do penguins eat?Oh, penguins.Penguins.Cannelloni.No.Lasagna, moussaka, lobster thermidor, escalopes de veau a l'estragon avec endives gratineed with cheese.Ah! Brian Close.No. no.Brian Inglis, Brian Johnson, Bryan Forbes.No, no!Nanette Newman.No. What swims in the sea and gets caught in nets?Henri Bergson.No.Goats. Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers.No, no.A buffalo with an aqualung.No, no.Reginald Maudling.Yes, that's near enough. I'll give you that. Right, now, Mrs. Scum, you have won your prize, do you still want the blow on the head?Yes, yes.I'll offer you a poke in the eye.No! I want a blow on the head.A punch in the throat.No.All fight then, a kick in the kneecap.No.Mrs. Scum, I'm offering you a boot in the teeth and a dagger up the strap.ErBlow on the head! Take the blow on the head!No, no. I'll take the blow on the head.Very well then, Mrs. Scum, you have won tonight's star prize, the blow on the head.Hello. On 'Archaeology Today' tonight I have with me Professor Lucien Kastner of Oslo University.Good evening.How tall are you, professor? I beg your pardon?How tall are you?I'm about five foot ten.Yes.Funny, you look much shorter than that to me. Are you slumped forward in your chair at all?No, er IExtraordinary. Sir Robert Eversley, who's just returned from the excavations in El Ara, and you must be well over six foot. Isn't that right, Sir Robert?In fact, I think you're six foot five aren't you?Yes.Oh, that's marvellous. I mean you're a totally different kind of specimen to Professor Kastner. Straight in your seat, erect, firm.Yes. I thought we were here to discuss archaeology.Very good speaking voice. which present dramatic evidence of Polynesian influence in Egypt in the third dynasty which is quite remarkable.How tall were the Polynesians?They wereSh!Well, they were rather small, seafaringShort men, were they eh? All squat and bent up?Well, I really don't know about thatWho were the tall people?I'm afraid I don't know.Who's that very tall tribe in Africa?Well, this is hardly archaeology.The Watutsi! That's it the Watutsi! Oh, that's the tribe, some of them were eight foot tall. Can you imagine that. Eight foot of Watutsi. Not one on another's shoulders, oh no eight foot of solid Watutsi. That's what I call tall.Yes, but it's nothing to do with archaeology.Bloody fool. Look what you've done to him.Don't bloody fool me.I'll do what I like, because I'm six foot five and I eat punks like you for breakfast.I'll get you for that, Eversley! I'll get you if I have to travel to the four corners of the earth!Today I hear the robin sing Today the thrush is on the wing Today who knows what life will bring TodayYes, it's Sumerian.Oh, how wonderful! Oh, I am so happy for you.All right Eversley, get up out of that trench.Don't forget I'm six foot five.That doesn't worry me Kastner.Here Lord.Up!Eleven foot three!I'm so tall! I am so tall!Danielle!Eleven foot six damn you! AbdulFifteen foot four! Mustapha!Nineteen foot three damn you!And now an appeal for sanity from the Reverend Arthur Belling.The Reverend Arthur Belling is Vicar of St Loony Up The Cream Bun and Jam. And now an appeal on behalf of the National Trust.Good morning.Good morning.Are you the registrar?I have that function.I was here on Saturday, getting married to a blond girl, and I'd like to change please. I'd like to have this one instead please.What do you mean?Ah, oh, no. That was when you were married.Er, yes. That was when I was married to the wrong one. I didn't like the color. This is the one I want to have, so if you could just change the forms round I can take this one back with me now.I can't do that.Look, make it simpler, I'll pay again.No, you can't do that.Look, all I want you to do is change the wife, say the words, blah, blab, blah, back to my place, no questions asked.I'm sorry sir, but we're not allowed to change.You can at Harrods.You can't.You can. I changed my record player and there wasn't a grumble.It's different.And I changed my pet snake, and I changed my Robin Day tie.Well, you can't change a bloody wife!Oh, all right! Well, can I borrow one for the weekend.No!Oh, blimey, I only wanted a jolly goodAll right, break it up. What's your number, then? All right. Name?Cook.Next please. Name?Er, Watson.writing it down Mr. Watson.Ah, no, Doctor.Ah, Mr. Doctor.No, not Mr, Doctor.Oh, Doctor Doctor.No, Doctor Watson.Oh, Doctor Watson Doctor.Oh, just call me darling.Hello, Mr. Darling.No, Doctor.Hello Doctor Darling.Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next door neighbour. John Stokes, this is A Sniveling Little Rat Faced Git. Ah!Hello, I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face for a moment just then, but you needn't worry I'm used to it. That's the trouble of having a surname like Git.Oh yes, yes.We did think once of having it changed by deed poll, you know to Watson or something like that. But A Sniveling Little Rat Faced Watson's just as bad eh?Yes, yes, I suppose so.Oh, that's my wife. Darling! Come and meet Mr what was it?Stokes John Stokes.Oh yes. John Stokes, this is my wife, Dreary Fat Boring Old.Oh, er, how do you do.How do you do.Darling, there you are!Yes, yes, here I am, yes.Oh, is this your wife?Yes, yes, yes, this is the wife. Yes. Um darling, these, these are the Gits.The Gits.Oh, heaven's sakes we are being formal. Does it have to be surnames?Oh, no, no. Not at all. No. Um, no, this this this is my wife Norah, er, Norah Jane, Norah Jane Stokes. This is Sniveling Little Rat Faced Git. And this is his wife Dreary Fat Boring Old Git.I was just telling your husband what an awful bore it is having a surname like Git.Oh, you've no idea how the kids get taunted. Why, only last week Dirty Lying Little Two Faced came running home from school, sobbing his eyes out, and our youngest, Ghastly Spotty Horrible Vicious Little is just at the age when taunts like 'she's a git' really hun. Yes.Do do you live round here?Yes, we live up the road, number 49 you can't miss it. We've just had the outside painted with warm pus.Yes. It's very nice actually. It goes nicely with the vomit and catarrh we've got smeared all over the from door.I think we ought to be going. We have two children to collect.Oh, well, bring them round for tea tomorrow.WellIt's Ghastly Spotty Cross Eyed's birthday and she's having a disemboweling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage.John! Allow me to introduce our next door neighbor. John, this is Mr. Watson.Hello. I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face just then but you needn't worry.I preferred the dirty version.Well, I've been a hunter all my life. I love animals. That's why I like to kill 'em. I wouldn't kill an animal I didn't like. Good day Roy.JOHN Hank and Roy Spire are tough, fearless backwoodsmen who have chosen to live in a violent, unrelenting world of nature's creatures, where only the fittest survive. Today they are off to hunt mosquitoes.Suddenly Hank spots the mosquito they're after.There's nothing more dangerous than a wounded mosquito.Well, I follow the moth in the helicopter to lure it away from the flowers, and then Roy comes along in the Lockheed Starfighter and attacks it with air to air missiles.A lot of people have asked us why we don't use fly spray. Well, where's the sport in that?Objection here, objection there! And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well beautiful speaking voice well after a bit all I could do was bang my little gavel.You what, love?I banged me gavel. I did me 'silence in court' bit. Ooh! If looks could kill that prosecuting counsel would be in for thirty years. How did your summing up go?Well, I was quite pleased actually. I was trying to do my butch voice, you know, 'what the jury must understand', and they loved it, you know. I could see that foreman eyeing me.Really?Yes, cheeky devil.Was he that tall man with that very big ?No, just a minute I must finish you know. Anyway, I finished up with 'the actions of these vicious men is a violent stain on the community and the full penalty of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes', and I waggled my wig! Just ever so slightly, but it was a stunning effect.Oh, I bet it was like that super time I wore that striped robe in the Magistrates Court.Oh, aye.Hello, Mrs. Thing.Hello, Mrs. Entity.How are you then?Oh, I have had a morning.Busy?Busy huh! I got up at five o'clock, I made myself a cup of tea, I looked out of the window. Well, by then I was so worn out I had to come and have a sit down. I've been here for seven hours.You must be exhausted.Mm. Oh, have you been shopping?No, I've been shopping.Funny.I'm worn out. I've been shopping for six hours.What have you bought, then?Nothing. Nothing at all. A complete waste of time.Wicked, isn't it?Wicked. It'll be worse when we join the Common Market.That nice Mr. Heath would never allow that.It's funny he never married.He's a bachelor.Oooh! That would explain it, Oh dear me, this chatting away wears me out.Yes. I bet Mrs. Reginald Maudling doesn't have to put up with all this drudgery, getting up at five in the morning, making a cup of tea, looking out of the window, chatting away.No! It'd all be done for her.Yes, she'd have the whole day free for playing snooker.She probably wouldn't go through all the drudgery of playing snooker, day in, day out.No, it would all be done for her. She wouldn't even have to lift the cue.She probably doesn't even know where the billiard room is.No, still, it's not as bad as the old days. Mrs. Stanley Baldwin used to have to get up at five o'clock in the morning and go out and catch partridges with her bare hands.Yes and Mrs. William Pitt the EIder used to have to get up at three o'clock and go burrowing for truffles with the bridge of her nose.Mrs. Beethoven used to have to get up at midnight to spur on the mynah bird.Lazy creatures, mynah birds,..Yes. When Beethoven went deaf the mynah bird just used to mime.It's all right. It's only a flashback.You don't fool me, you stupid mynah bird. I'm not deaf yet.Shut up!Right in the wing.Shut your beak. Gott in Himreel I never get any peace here.Ludwig!What?Have you seen the sugar bowl?No, I haven't seen the bloody sugar bowl.You know the sugar bowl.Ludwig, have you seen the jam spoon?Stuff the jam spoon!It was in the sugar bowl.Look, get out you old rat bag. Buzz off and shut up.Do you want peanut butter or sandwich spread for your tea?What!!!!PEANUT BUTTERDo you want peanut butter or sandwich spread?I don't care!!Gott in Himreel, I'm going out.Well, if you're going out don't forget we've got the Mendelssohn's coming for tea so don't forget to order some pikelets.Pikelets, pikelets. Shakespeare never had this trouble.You wanna bet? Incidentally, its da da da dum, da da da dum.You're right. Oh, incidentally, why not call him Hamlet?Thanks, but I've had a better idea.Yes, dear!I've had another son.Oh, my life.Aha! Rats at 42a Kartoffelnstrasse. Hey Mitzi! I gotta go to Potato Street.MR AND MRS EMMANUEL KANT FRAU MITZI HANDGEPACKAUFBEWAHRUNG MR DICKIE WAGNER K. TYNAN NO RELATION MR AND MRSJ. W. VON GOETHE AND DOG HERR E. W. SWANTON MR AND MRS P. ANKA MR AND MRS LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN 177o 1827 ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTEYes?Colin Mozart.Oh, thank goodness you've come. We're having a terrible time with them bleeding rats. I think they live in his stupid piano already.Get out the bloody piano you stupid furry bucktoothed gits! Get out! Gott in Himmel. Get your stinking tail out of my face.Shut up!So anyway, Beethoven was rather glad when he went deaf.Well, I was ever so glad they abolished hanging, you know, because that black cap just didn't suit me.Yes. Do you remember the Glasgow treason trial?Oh yes, I wore a body stocking all through it.No, hen, with the party afterwards.Oh, that's right. You were walking out with that very butch Clerk of the Court.That's right. Ooh, he made me want to turn Queen's evidence.Oh, me too. One summing up and I'm anybody's.Anyway, Bailie Anderson.Ooh, her?Yes. She's so strict. She was on at me for giving dolly sentences, you know, specially in that arson case.What was the verdict?They preferred the brown wig.Mm. I love the Scottish Assizes. I know what they mean by a really well hung jury.Oohl Get back in the witness box, you're too sharp to live!I'll smack your little botty!Ooh! and again.Have you tried that new body rub JP's use?1 had a magistrate in Bradford yesterday.Oh, aye, of course, they're as bent as safety pins.I know, but they've got beautiful speaking voices, haven't they? 'And now a choice of viewing on BBC Television.''Here are tonight's football results.'Mmm.How to recognize different parts of the body.Number one. The foot.Number two. The shoulder.And number three. The other foot.Number four. The bridge of the nose.Number five. The naughty bits.Number six. Just above the elbow.Number seven. Two inches to the right of a very naughty bit indeed.Number eight. The kneecap.G'day, Bruce!Oh, Hello Bruce!How are you Bruce?A bit crook, Bruce.Where's Bruce?He's not 'ere, Bruce.Blimey, it's hot in here, Bruce.Hot enough to boil a monkey's bum!That's a strange expression, Bruce.Well Bruce, I heard the Prime Minister use it. It's hot enough to boil a monkey's bum in here, your Majesty, he said and she smiled quietly to herself.She's a good Sheila Bruce, and not at all stuck up.Here! Here's the boss fellow now! how are you bruce?'Ow are you, Bruce?G'day Bruce!Bruce.Hello Bruce.Bruce.How are you, Bruce?G'day Bruce.Gentleman, I'd like to introduce man from Pommeyland who is joinin' us this year in the philosophy department at the University of Walamaloo.G'day!Hello.Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce. Michael Baldwin, Bruce.Is your name not Bruce?No, it's Michael.That's going to cause a little confusion.Mind if we call you Bruce to keep it clear?Gentlemen, I think we better start the faculty meeting. Before we start, though, I'd like to ask the padre for a prayer.Oh Lord, we beseech Thee, Amen!!Amen!I'd like to welcome the pommey bastard to God's own Earth, and remind him that we don't like stuck up sticky beaks here.Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.What's New Bruce going to teach?New Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benaud.Those are all cricketers!Aww, spit!Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!New Bruce, are you a Poofter?Are you a Poofter?No!No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules Rule One!No Poofters!Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way at all if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?No Poofters!!Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not drinking. Rule Five,No Poofters!Rule Six, there is NO Rule Six. Rule Seven,No Poofters!!Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.This here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.Amen!The Album versions continue with the Philosopher's song. The TV version continues below.Right, let's get some Sheilas.OK.Ah, elevenses.This should tide us over 'til lunchtime.Reckon so, Bruce.Number nine. The ear.*****Album Version Continued******I drink, therefore I am. Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed; A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.Number ten. The big toe.Number eleven. More naughty bits.Number twelve. The naughty bits of a lady,Number thirteen. The naughty bits of a horse,Number fourteen. The naughty bits of an ant.Number fifteen. The naughty bits of Reginald Maudling.Number sixteen. The hand.With me now is Norman St. John Polevaulter, who for the last few years has been contradicting people. St. John Polevaulter, why do you contradict people?I don't!But you you told me that you did.I most certainly did not!Oh. I see. I'll start again.No you won't!Ssh! I understand you don't contradict people.Yes I do!And when didn't you start contradicting them?I did! In 1952!1952.1947!23 years ago.No!Number nineteen. The nose.Come in.Ah! Mr. Luxury Yacht. Do sit down, please.Ah, no, no. My name is spelt 'Luxury Yacht' but it's pronounced Throatwobbler Mangrove.Well, do sit down then Mr. Throatwobbler Mangrove.Thank you.Now, what seems to be the trouble?Um, I'd like you to perform some plastic surgery on me.I see. And which particular feature of your anatomy is causing you distress?Well, well for a long time now, in fact, even when I was a child I you know, whenever I left home to catch a bus, or to catch a train and even my tennis has suffered actuallyYes. To be absolutely blunt you're worried about your enormous hooter.No!No?Yes.Yes, and you want me to hack a bit off.Please.Fine. It is a startler, isn't it. Er, do you mind if I er.What?I'd still like the operation.Well, you've had the operation, you strange person.Please do an operation.Well, all right, all right, but only if you come on a camping holiday with me.He asked me! He asked me!Next week we'll be showing you how to pick up an architect, how to pull a prime minister, and how to have fun with a wholesale poulterer. But now the men of the Derbyshire Light Infantry entertain us with a precision display of bad temper.AttentionAnd next the men of the Second Armored Division regale us with their famous close order swanning about.Squad. Camp it up!And finallyMorning sir, can I help you?Er, yes, we've booked on your flight for America.Is it really 37/6d?Thirty bob. I'm robbing myself.Thirty bob!Twenty five. Two quid the pair of yer. Er, that's without insurance.Well, how much is it with insurance?Hundred and two quid. That's including the flight.Do we really need insurance?Well, we'll have it with insurance please.Right do you want it with the body and one relative flown back, or you can have both bodies flown back and no relatives, or four relatives, no bodies, and the ashes sent by parcel post.How long will it take?Er, let me put it this way no idea.Six hours.Six?Five, ten for the pair of you.Oh, is it a jet?Well, no It's not so much of a jet, it's more your, er, Triumph Herald engine with wings.When are you taking off?.3300 hours.What?2600 hours for the pair of you.What?Have the injections, you won't care.What injections?Oh, I don't like the sound of injections.Yes.Will passengers for flight one, please assemble at gate one. Passengers are advised that there is still plenty of time to buy eccles cakes.Nearly ready.Today we all take vow. Today we smash the enemy fleet we smash, smash.That's Mr. Kamikaze, the pilot, he's very nice really, but make sure he stays clear of battleships.There have been many stirring tales told of the sea and also some fairly uninteresting ones only marginally connected with it, like this one. Sorry, this isn't a very good announcement. Sorry.That was last year's re enactment of the Battle of Pearl Harbor performed by the BatIey Townswomen's Guild. It was written, directed and produced by Mrs. Rita Fairbanks.Hello again.And what are your ladies going to do for us this year.Well, this year we decided to re enact something with a more modern flavor. We had considered a version of Michael Stewart's speech on Nigeria and there were several votes on the Committee for a staging of Herr Willi Brandt's visit to East Germany, but we've settled instead for a dramatization of the first heart transplant. Incidentally my sister Madge will be playing the plucky little springbok pioneer Christian Barnard.Well off we go, then with the Barley Townswomen's Guild re enactment of the first heart transplant.Servant ho!The underwater version of 'Measure for Measure', and further out to sea 'Hello Dolly' is also doing good business.· · · and over there on the oyster beds Formula 2 car racing.Number 22 The nipple.And now the BBC is proud to present a brand new radio drama series, The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots. Part One The Beginning.Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?I am!Stay tuned for part two of the Radio Four Production of The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots, coming upalmost immediately.I think she's dead.No I'm not!that was episode two of The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots, specially adapted for radio by Gracie Fields and Joe Frazier. And now, Radio Four will explode.We'll have to watch the Telly vision!singing, mumbled hhmhmhmhmh mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmhWhat's that on top of the telly vision set?matter of factly Looks like a penguin.It's been a long time there, now, has it?What's it doin' there?Standin'!I can see that!If it laid an egg, it would roll down the back of the telly vision set.Ummmm. I hadn't thought of that.Unless it's a male.Yes. It looks fairly butch.Per'aps it's from next door.yet louder BURMA!!!Why'd'j say that?I panicked.Oh.Per'aps it's from the zoo.Which zoo?'Oo's Doctor bloody Bernofsky?He knows everything.Oooh, I wouldn't like that, that'd take all the mystery out of life.Besides, if it were from the zoo, it'd have property of the zoo stamped on it.They don't stamp animals property of the zoo!! You can't stamp a huge lion property of the zoo!!Lions don't molt.No, but penguins do. THERE! I've run rings around you logically.Hello! Well, it's just after eight o'clock, and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.'Ow did 'e know that was going to happen?!It was an inspired guess. And nowNumber 29 The interior of a country house.That's not a part of the body.NO, it's a link though.I didn't think it was very good.No, it's the end of the series, they must be running out of ideas.All fight, don't anybody move, there's been a murder.A murder?No no not a murder no what's like a murder only begins with B?Birmingham.No no no no noBurnIey?Burnley that's right! Burnley in Lancashire. There's been a Burnley.Burglary.Burglary. Yes, good man. Burglary that's it, of course. There's been a burglary.Where?In the back, just below the rib.No that's murder.Oh er no in the band In the bat Barclays bat.Barclays Bank?Yes. Nasty business got away with Ł23,000.Any clues?Any what?Any evidence as to who did it?I thought you said it was a burglary.Ring the police?Ring the police. Yes, that's a good idea. Get them over here fast no, on second thoughts, get them over here slowly, so they don't drop anything.Shall I make us all a cup of tea?Make what you like, Boskovitch it won't help you in court.I beg your pardon?I'm sorry, sorry. That's the trouble with being on two cases at once. I keep thinking I've got Boskovitch cornered and in fact I'm investigating a Burnley.Burglary.Burglary! Yes good man.Who's Boskovitch?Hah! Boskovitch is a Russian scientist who is passing information to the Russians.Classified information?Oh, there he goes again! 'Classified information'! Oh, sitting on the 'settee' with our 'scones' and our 'classified information'!Ah! Hello, Duckie.Hello, sir. How are you?I'm fine thanks. How are you?Well, sir, I'm a little bit moody today, sir.Why's that, Duckie?Because I'm a little bit sad and lonely. Now my baby's gone away. I'm feeling kinda blue. I don't know just what to do. I feel a little sad today.He's a little bit sad and lonely. Now his baby's gone away. He's feeling kinda blue. He don't know just what to do. He's not feeling so good today.Wheeeeen I smile, The sun comes flooding in.Da da da da da da da da.Wheeeeen I'm sad, It goes behind the clouds again.I'm He's a little bit sad and lonely. Well Now my his baby's gone away. I'm He's feeling kinda Etcetera; etcetera.A lovely song, Duckie.And now, here is Chief Inspector Jean Paul Zatapathique with the winning song once again.Bing tiddle tiddle BANG Bung tiddle tiddle bang Bung tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle Bung tiddle tiddle BONG Bung tiddle tiddle bing Bung tiddle tiddle bang Bing tiddle tiddle Bang tiddle tiddle Bong tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle Bang bong bing tiddle tiddle Bang tiddle tiddle Bong bang tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddleBing tiddle tiddle BANG Bung tiddle tiddle bang Bung tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle Bung tiddle tiddle BONG Bung tiddle tiddle bing Bung tiddle tiddle bang Bing tiddle tiddle Bang tiddle tiddle Bong tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle Bang bong bing tiddle tiddle Bang tiddle tiddle Bong bang tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle Bong bang tiddle tiddle tiddle tiddle Bing tiddle tiddle biiiiiingNumber thirty one. The end.Bonjour.Bonjour.II fair beau ce matin.Oui, oui.D'accordVenez vous ici souvent?Oui.Ah. Bon. Bon.Je vois que vous avez un chou.' Oui.Certainement il fair beau ce matin.Je suis revolutionnaire.Oh.Qu'est ce que vous avez dit?J'ai dit 'oh'.Ah. Tres interessant.Brian Distel and Brianette Zatapathique there in an improvised scene from Jean Kenneth Longueur's new movie 'Le Fromage Grand'. Brian and Brianette symbolize the breakdown in communication in our modern society in this exciting new film and Longueur is saying to us, his audience, 'go on, protest, do something about it, assault the manager, demand your money back'. Later on in the film, in a brilliantly conceived montage, Longueur mercilessly exposes the violence underlying our society when Brian and Brianerte again meet on yet another rubbish dump.Bonjour encore.Bonjour.Je vois que aujourd'jui vous avez une co laitue.Oui.Bon.Il fair beau encore.Oui.Bon.Vous pouvez dire 'a encore.Certainement il fair beau ce matin.Oui.Il fait beau bier. Ha ha ha.Ha ha.Quel surprise de vous voir encore.Je t'aime.Je t'aime.Pretty strong meat there from Longueur who is saying, of course, that ultimately materialism, in this case the Webb's Wonder lettuce, must destroy us all. That was for O. Simon, K. Simon, P. Simon and R. Sparrow of Leicester. Later on, we're going to take a look at John Wayne's latest movie, 'Buckets of Blood Pouring Out of People's Heads' but now we look ahead. On Tuesday Chris Conger took a BBC film unit to the location where 20th Century Vole are shooting their latest epic 'Scott of the Antarctic'.Gerry, you chose Paignton as the location for Scott.Right, right.Isn't it a bit of a drawback that there's no snow here?Well, we have 28,000 cubic feet of Wintrex, which is a new white foam rubber which actually on screen looks more like snow than snow and 1,600 cubic US furlongs of white paint, with a special snow finish.And I believe Kirk Vilb is playing the tide role.Oh, there you are. Hello. Hello. No problem. Have a drink. Have a drink. Great. Hello. Marvellous. Marvellous. Hello. Rewrite. Oh this is really great. I mean, it's really saying something, don't you think?Have you started shooting yet?Yes, yes. Great. Perfect. No, no, we haven't started yet. No. But great great.What is the first scene that you shoot this morning?Great. Terrific. Oh it's great. No problem. We'll sort it out on the floor. Sort it out on the floor. No problem. This film is basically pro humanity and anti bad things and it rips aside the hypocritical facade of our society's gin and tonic and leaves a lot of sacred cows rolling around in agony, have a drink, have a drink.But which scene are we shooting first, Jimmy?No, we didn't.Hi, Lieutenant.Hi, Oatesy. Sure is a beautiful day already.What? What are you saying?I was just saying great, great. Cue Evans.And this is Vanilla Hoare as Miss Evans.Miss Evans?Right.Good morning, Miss Evans.Oh, I've forgotten my line.What's her line? What's her line?It's 'Good morning, Captain Scott'.Oh, yeah. 'Good morning, Captain.' Sc'..; oh, I'm just not happy with that line. Could I just say Hi Scottie ?Great. Great. Rewrite. Cue.Great! We'll shoot it.Are you sure that's right?Oh, it's great.Jim.Jim! Jim! Oh, me!Jim, I feel we may be running into some problems here in the area of height.Great! Where are they?Where are who?I don't know. I was getting confused.Jim, I feel here, that Scott may be too tall in the area of height with reference to Vanilla who is too near the ground in the area of being too short at this time.Great Oh, I know. I'm going to dig a pit for Scott and put a box in Vanilla's trench.Say, why don't I take the boxes off and Vanilla get up out of the trench.It wouldn't work It's even better! Great. Rewrite!What was that?Oh, it's easy. I've worked it out. Scott takes his boxes off and you don't stand in the trench.I say my lines out of the trench?Even better. Great.But I've never acted out of a trench. I might fall over. It's dangerous.Oh well, could you just try it?Great. Great everyone. Lunch now. Lunch. It's all in the can. Good morning's work.But you haven't done a shot.Now this afternoon we're going to shoot the scene where Scott gets off the boat on to the ice floe and he sees the lion and he fights it and kills it and the blood goes pssssssssshhh in slow motion.But there aren't any lions in the Antarctic.What?There aren't any lions in the Antarctic.You're right. There are no lions in the Antarctic. That's ridiculous; whoever heard of a lion in the Antarctic. Right. Lose the lion.Got to keep the lion. It's great!Lose the lion.Great. We're losing the lion. Rewrite. Lose the lion everyone. That's fantastic,What's this about our losing the lion?Well, Kirk, we thought perhaps we might lose the fight with the lion a little bit, Kirk, angel.Well, Kirkie, doll, there are no lions in the Antarctic, baby.It'd be silly.Listen, I gotta fight the lion. That's what that guy Scott's all about. I know. I've studied him already.But why couldn't you fight a penguin?Fight a rotten penguin?It needn't be a little penguin. It can be the biggest penguin you've ever seen. An electric penguin, twenty feet high, with long green tentacles that sting people, and you can stab it in the wings and the blood can go spurting psssssshhhh in slow motion.The lion is in the contract.He fights the lion.Where do they have lions?Africa.That's it. Scott's in Africa. As many lions as we need.Great!He's looking for a pole no one else knows about. That ties in with the sand. Right. Paint the sand yellow again. Okay, let's get this show on the road. 'Scott of the Sahara.'Booming out of the pages of history comes a story of three men and one woman whose courage shocked a generation.See Ensign Oates' frank adult death struggle with the spine chilling giant electric penguin See Miss Evans pursued by the man eating roll top writing desk.And now for something completely different.A what?A license for my pet fish, Eric.How did you know my name was Eric?No, no, no! My fish's name is Eric. Eric fish. He's an halibut.What?He is an halibut.You've got a pet halibut?Yes, I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.You must be a loony.I am not a loony. Why should I be tarred with the epithet 'loony' merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro has a pet prawn called Simon you wouldn't call him a loony! Furthermore Dawn Pathorpe, the lady showjumper, had a clam called Stafford, after the late chancellor. Alan Bullock has two pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an 'addock! So if you're calling the author of 'A la recherche de temps perdu' a loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!All right, all right, all right. A license?Yes!For a fish.Yes!You *are* a loony.Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it? I've got a license for me pet dog Eric, I've got a license for me pet cat Eric.You don't need a license for your cat.I bleedin' well do and I've got one! Can't be caught out there!There is no such thing as a bloody Cat license.Yes there is.No there isn't.Is!Isn't!Is!Isn't!Is!Isn't!Is!Isn't!Is!Isn't!Is!Isn't!What's that then?This is a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in in crayon.Man didn't have the right form.What man?The man from the cat detector van.The loony detector van, you mean.Look, it's people like you what cause unrest.What cat detector van?The cat detector van from the Ministry of Housinge.Housinge?It was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant. I never seen so many bleedin' aerials. The man said their equipment could pinpoint a purr at four hundred yards, and Eric being such a happy cat was a piece of cake.How much did you pay for this?Sixty quid and eight for the fruit bat.What fruit bat?Eric the fruit bat.Are all your pets called Eric?There's nothing so odd about that. Kemel Attaturk had an entire menagerie called Abdul.No he didn't.Did!Didn't!Did, did, did, did, did and did!Oh all right.Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me a fish license?I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one.The TV Version continues..the album version continues belowThen I would like a statement to that effect signed by the Lord Mayor.You're in luck.********** TV Version finishes continuation of album version **********In that case give me a bee license.A license for your pet bee.Correct.Called Eric? Eric the bee?No.No?No, Eric the half bee. He had an accident.You're off your chump.Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquialism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch, or even to deny the semi existence of my little chum Eric the half bee, I shall have to ask you to listen to this. Take it away, Eric the orchestra leader.A one two A one two three fourHalf a bee, philosophically, Must, ipso facto, half not be. But half the bee has got to be Vis a vis, its entity. D'you see? But can a bee be said to be Or not to be an entire bee When half the bee is not a bee Due to some ancient injury?SingingLa dee dee, one two three, Eric the half a bee. A B C D E F G, Eric the half a bee.Is this wretched demi bee, Half asleep upon my knee, Some freak from a menagerie? No! It's Eric the half a bee!Fiddle de dum, Fiddle de dee, Eric the half a bee. Ho ho ho, tee hee hee, Eric the half a bee.I love this hive, employee ee, Bisected accidentally, One summer afternoon by me, I love him carnally.He loves him carnally, Semi carnally.The end.Cyril Connelly?No; semi carnally!Oh.MICHAEL Cliff, this must have been a very disappointing result for the All Blacks.And what about China?Well, whether Mao Tse Tung is alive or not, Lin Piao has a stranglehold on central committee which Lin Shao Chi can't break, so it remains to be seen whether Chou En Lai can really get his finger out and get going in the second half.Well, thank you Cliff. Tonight's other outstanding match was the semi final between the Bournemouth Gynecologists and the Watford Long John Silver Impersonators. We bring you edited highlights of the match.Well, that's about it for tonight ladies and gentlemen, but remember if you've enjoyed watching the show just half as much as we've enjoyed doing it, then we've enjoyed it twice as much as you. Ha, ha, ha.S. Frog, sir.Shut up, I want to have a word with you, Frog.S. Frog, sir.Shut up. It's about your advertising campaign for Conquistador Coffee. Now, I've had the managing director of Conquistador to see me this morning and he's very unhappy with your campaign. Very unhappy. In fact, he's shot himself.Badly, sir?S. Frog, sir.Shut up. Why did you do it?It was a joke.I see, Frog.S. Frog, sir.It was a soft sell, sirWhy, Frog?S. Frog, sir.Shut up! Well?Well, people know the name, sir.You're not going to fire me, sir?Fire you? Three men dead, the factory burnt down, the account lost and our firm completely bankrupt, what what what can you possibly say? What excuse can you possibly make?Oh, yes. Oh, incidentally your film's won a prize.It's1929. Stanley Baldwin's Conservative Government is defeated and Ramsay MacDonald becomes, for the second time, Prime Minister of England.My, it's hot in here.Well, IAll right then, the briefcase and the umbrella. A river down, must be my final offer.Well, I don't want to sell them. I've come for a job.Oh, take a seat, take a seat.Thank you.I see you chose the canvas chair with the aluminum frame. I'll throw that in and a river, for the briefcase and the umbrella no, make it fair, the briefcase and the umbrella and the two pens in your breast pocket and the chair's yours and a river and a pair of ex German U boat commando's binoculars.Really, they are not for sale.Not for sale, what does that mean?I came about the advertisement for the job of assistant editor.Oh yeah, right. Ah, OK, ah. How much experience in journalism?Five years.Right, typing speed?Fifty.0 Levels?Eight.A Levels?Two.Right Well, I'll give you the job, and the chair, and an all wool ex army sleeping bag for the briefcase, umbrella, the pens in your breast pocket and your string vest.When do I start?Monday.That's marvellous.Two ex army greatcoats and the alarm clock and a table lamp, for two coffees and biscuits.Two greatcoats and two table lamps.Two greatcoats, one table lamp and a desert boat.For two 'coffees and biscuits? Office.Done.Done.My hat! Sir Horace!Yes after breakfast. But that doesn't matter now he's dead.Oh! Poor daddyLooks like I shan't be catching the 11.30 now.Oh no, John, you mustn't miss your train.How could I think of catching a train when I should be here helping you?Oh, John, thank you anyway you could always catch the 9.30 tomorrow it goes via Caterham and Chipstead.Or the 9.45's even better.Oh, but you'd have to change at Lambs Green.Yes, but there's only a seven minute wait now.Oh, yes, of course, I'd forgotten it was Friday. Oh, who could have done this.Oh, do hurry Sir Horace, your train leaves in twenty eight minutes, and if you miss the 10.15 you won't catch the 3.45 which means oh!I'm afraid Sir Horace won't be catching the 10.15, Lady Partridge.Has he been ?Yes after breakfast.Lady Partridge, I'm afraid you can cancel his seat reservation.Oh, and it was back to the engine fourth coach along so that he could see the gradient signs outside Swanborough.Not any more Lady Partridge the line's been closed.Closed! Not Swanborough!I'm afraid so.All fight, nobody move. I'm Inspector Davis of Scotland Yard.My word, you were here quickly, inspector.Yeah, I got the 8.55 Pullman Express from King's Cross and missed that bit around Hornchurch.It's a very good train.Excellent, very good, delightful.Hello everyone.Tony!Yes, after breakfast.Then he won't be needing his reservation on the 10.15.Exactly.And I suppose as his eldest son it must go to me.Just a minute, Tony There's a small matter of murder.Oh, but surely he simply shot himself and then hid the gun.How could anyone shoot himself and then hide the gun without first cancelling his reservation.Ha, ha! Well, I must dash or I'll be late for the 10.15.I suggest yOu murdered your father for his seat reservation.I may have had the motive, inspector, but I could not have done it, for I have only just arrived from Gillingham on the 8.13 and here's my restaurant car ticket to prove it.The 8. 13 from Gillingham doesn't have a restaurant car.It's a standing buffet only.Oh, er did I say the 8.13, I meant the 7.58 stopping train.But the 7.58 stopping train arrived at Swindon at 8.19 owing to annual point maintenance at Wisborough Junction.So how did you make the connection with the 8. I3 which left six minutes earlier?Oh, er, simple! I caught the 7.16 Football Special arriving at Swindon at 8.09.But the 7.16 Football Special only stops at Swindon on alternate Saturdays.Yes, surely you mean the Holidaymaker Special.Oh, yes! How daft of me. Of course I came on the Holidaymaker Special calling at Bedford, Colmworth, Fen Dinon, Sutton, Wallington and Gillingham.That's Sundays only!Damn. All fight, I confess I did it. I killed him for his reservation, but you won't take me alive! I'm going to throw myself under the 10.12 from Reading.Don't be a fool, Tony, don't do it, the 10.12 has the new narrow traction bogies, you wouldn't stand a chance.Exactly.That was an excerpt from the latest West End hit 'It all happened on the 11.20 from Hainault to Redhill via Horsham and Reigate, calling at Carshalton Beeches, Malmesbury, Tooting Bec, and Croydon West'. The author is Mr. Neville Shunt.typing Chuff, chuff, chuffwoooooch, woooooch! Sssssssss, sssssssss! Diddledum, diddledum, diddlealum. Toot, toot. The train now standing at platform eight, tch, tch, tch, diddledum, diddledum. Chuffff chuffffiTff eeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa Vooooommmmm.Some people have made the mistake of seeing Shunt's work as a load of rubbish about railway timetables, but clever people like me, who talk loudly in restaurants, see this as a deliberate ambiguity, a plea for understanding in a mechanized world. The points are frozen, the beast is dead. What is the difference? What indeed is the point? The point is frozen, the beast is late out of Paddington. The point is taken. If La Fontaine's elk would spurn Tom Jones the engine must be our head, the dining car our oesophagus, the guard's van our left lung, the cattle truck our shins, the first class compartment the piece of skin at the nape of the neck and the level crossing an electric elk called Simon. The clarity is devastating. But where is the ambiguity? It's over there in a box. Shunt is saying the 8.15 from Gillingham when in reality he means the 8.13 from Gillingham. The train is the same only the time is altered. Ecce homo, ergo elk. La Fontaine knew his sister and knew her bloody well. The point is taken, the beast is molting, the fluff gets up your nose. The illusion is complete; it is reality, the reality is illusion and the ambiguity is the only truth. But is the truth, as Hitchcock observes, in the box? No there isn't room, the ambiguity has put on weight. The point is taken, the elk is dead, the beast stops at Swindon, Chabrol stops at nothing, I'm having treatment and La Fontaine can get knotted.Gavin Millar rrrrrrr was not talking to Neville Shunt. From the world of the theatre we turn to the world of dental hygiene. No, no, no, no. From the world of the theatre we move to the silver screen. We honor one of the silver screen's outstanding writer dentists writer directors, Martin Curry who is visiting London to have a tooth out, for the pre molar, er premiere of his filling, film next Toothday Tuesday, at the Dental Theatre Film Theatre. Martin Curry talking to Matthew Palate Padget.Martin Curry, welcome. One of the big teeth big points that the American critics made about your latest film, 'The Twelve Caesars', was that it was on so all embracing a topic. What made you undertake so enormous a tusk task?Well I've always been interested in Imperial Rome from Julius Caesar right through to Vethpathian.Who?Vethpathian.Ah! Vespasian.Yes.When I saw your film it did seem to me that you had taken a rather, urn, subjective approach to it.I'm sorry?Well, I mean all your main characters had these enormous well not enormous, these very big well let's have a look at a clip in which Julius Incisor . Caesar talks to his generals during the baffle against Caractacus.I don't see that at all.Martin Curry, why do all your characters have these very big er very big um teeth?What do you mean?Well, I mean, er and even in your biblical epic, 'The Son of Man', John the Baptist had the most enormous dental appendages and of course himself had the most monumental ivories.Oh, a straw, yes, yes. Well while we're doing that perhaps we could take another look at an earlier film, 'Trafalgar'.Cover my coat, Mr. Bush, the men must not know of this till victory is ours.The surgeon's coming, sir.No, tell the surgeon to attend the men that can be saved. He can do little for me, I fear.Aye, aye, sir.Hardy! Hardy!Sir?Hardy' kiss er put your hand on my thigh.Martin Curry, thank you. Well. We asked the first night audience what they thought of that film.It wasn't true to life.Yes it was.No it wasn't.I thought it was totally bizarre.Well I've been in the city for over forty years and I think the importance of looking after poor people cannot be understressed.Well I've been in the city for twenty years and I must admit I'm lost.Well, I've been in the city all my life and I'm as alert and active as I've ever been.Well I've been in the city since I was two and I certainly' wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut stuck in a rut stuck in a rut stuck in a rutOh dear, Mr. Bulstrode's stuck again.I certainly wouldn't say that I was stuck in a rut.Well I've been in the city for thirty years and I've never once regretted being a nasty, greedy, cold hearted, avaricious, money grubber Conservative.Well I've been in the city for twenty seven years and I would like to see the reintroduction of flogging. Every Thursday, round at my place.I think it must be a naturalist outing.I think it must be one of them crackpot religions.This is an example of the sort of abuse we get all the time from ignorant people. I inherited this religion from my father, an ex used car salesman and part time window box, and I am very proud to be in charge of the first religion with free gifts. You get this luxury tea trolley with every new enrolment. pictures of this and the subsequent gifts In addition to this you can win a three piece lounge suite, this luxury caravan, a weekend for two with Peter Bonetti and tonight's star prize, the entire Norwich City Council.And remember with only eight scoring draws you can win a bishopric in a see of your own choice. You see we have a much more' modern approach to religion.Blessed is Arthur Crackpot and all his subsidiaries Ltd. You see, in our Church we have a lot more fun.I don't mind, I don't mind it's just nice to be here, Reverend.A lot of religions no names no pack drill do go for the poorer type of person face it, there's more of 'era poor people, thieves, villains, poor people without no money at all well we don't have none of that tat. Rich people and crumpet over sixteen can enter free upper middle class quite welcome; lower middle class not under five grand a year. Lower class I can't touch it. There's no return on it, you see.Do you have any difficulty converting people?Oh no, well we have ways of making them join.Norman there does a lot of converting a lot of protection, that son of thing. And there's his mate, Bruce Beer.Brucie has personally converted ninety two people twenty five inside the distance. Then again we're not afraid to use more modern methods.Sarah, today's diocesan lovely is enough to make any chap. go down on his knees. This twenty three year old bishop hails appropriately enough from Bishop's Stortford and lists her hobbies as swimming, riding, and film producers. What a gas! Bet she's no novice when it comes to converting all in her See.I'm starting a war for peace.Cor blimey. I'm raising polecats for peace.Peace? I like a peace. Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Say no more. Nudge, nudge.Our religion is the first Church to cater for the naughty type of person. If you'd like a bit of love your neighbor and who doesn't now and again then see Vera and Ciceley during the hymns.In our Church we try to help people to help themselves to cars, washing machines, lead piping, no questions asked. We are the only Church, apart from the Baptists, to do respray jobs.We the Church of. the Divine Loony believe in the power of prayer to turn the head purple ha, ha, ha.In this picture there are forty people. None of them can be seen. In this film we hope to show you how not to be seen.In this film we hope to show how not to be seen. This is Mr. E.R. Bradshaw of Napier Court, Black Lion Road London SE5. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Mr. Bradshaw will you stand up pleaseThis demonstrates the value of not being seen.In this picture we cannot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Cresent, Belmont. Mrs. Smegma will you stand up please.Mr. Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel.Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Ivy Cottage, Worplesdon Road, Hull, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwarding address, and they had bolted and barred the house to prevent us from getting in. However a neighbor told us where there were.first of all congratulations on the victory.It should send you back to Botty with a big lead.Oh yes, well we're fairly confident, David.Well at the moment, Ludovic, you're crouching down inside a filing cabinet.Yes that's right, David, I'm trying not to be seen.I see. Is this through fear?Oh no, no, it's common sense really. If they can't see you, they can't get you.For those of you who may have just missed 'Money Python's Flying Circus', here it is again.THE BLACK EAGLE CAST BLACK EAGLE ..THORNTON WELLES MEG FAIRWEATHER .KATE TAMBLYING JACK FAIRWEATHER ..OWEN TREGOWER HENRY FAIRWEATHER ..RUSS TEMPOLE JNR. MRS FAIRWEATHER .ALICE SHOEMAKER DR TENNYSON .MARSHALL M. WEST LUMPKIN .DINO DE VERE MR RIVERS .WALTER SCHENKEL LT STAVEACRE .NORMAN S, HUGHES A WENCH .MARSHA SUTTON SECOND WENCH .TINEA PEDIS THE DOG .KARL SCREENPLAY BY AL R. SCHROEDER AND WAYNE KOPIT BASED ON THE NOVEL 'THE BLUE EAGLE' BY RAPHAEL SABATINI SET DECORATION .CY BORGONI MAKE UP .BUNICE DILKES COSTUMES .JOAN LOUIS UNIT MANAGER .TREVOR BELOWSKI CONTINUITY . SUE CARPENTER SPECIAL EFFECTS ..WALTER SCHENKEL MISS TAMBLYING'S GOWNS BY HEPWORTHS color BY CHROMAcolor SOUND RECORDING WCA SYSTEM COPYRIGHT BY SCHENKEL PRODUCTIONS ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN PERSONS LIVING OR DEAD IS COINCIDENTAL PRODUCED BY JOSEPH M. SCHLACK DIRECTED BY LAURENT F. NORDER'IN I742 THE SPANISH EMPIRE LAY IN RUINS. TORN BY INTERNAL DISSENT, AND WRACKED BY NUMEROUS WARS, ITS RICH TRADE ROUTES FELL AN EASY PREY TO BRITISH PRIVATEERS · · · AND THE TREASURE OF THE SPANISH MAIN WAS BROUGHT HOME TO THE SHORES OF ENGLAND'Cut back to the cliff at last; the third flash. Cut back to the boat; they start to row again. Cut to them beaching the boat on the shore.JOHN And now for something completely differentIt'sIn 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets many of them Hungarians not the streets the foreign nationals. Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist's shops to buy cigarettes.I will not buy this record, it is scratched.Sorry?I will not buy this record, it is scratched.Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's.Ah! I will not buy this *tobacconist's*, it is scratched.Ya! See gar ets! Ya! UhMy hovercraft is full of eels.Sorry?Ahh, matches!Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaantdo you waaaaaantto come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?Here, I don't think you're using that thing right.You great poof.That'll be six and six, please.If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? II am no longer infected.What's going on here then?Ah. You have beautiful thighs.He hit me!Call Alexander Yalt!Oh, shut up!Skip the impersonations. You are Alexander Yalt?I am.You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought, publish an alleged English Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?Not guilty.You live at 46 Horton Terrace?I do live at 46 Horton terrace.You are the director of a publishing company?I am the director of a publishing company.Your company publishes phrase books?My company does publish phrase books.You did say 46 Horton Terrace, did you?Yes.Get on with it, get on with it.That's fine. On the 28th of May, you published this phrase book.I did.I quote one example. The Hungarian phrase meaning Can you direct me to the station? is translated by the English phrase, Please fondle my bum.I wish to plead incompetence.An adjournment? Certainly not!Why on earth didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.'Sing Little Birdie'?The development of the industrial proletariat is conditioned by what other development?The development of the industrial bourgeoisie.Yes, yes, it is indeed. You're on your way to the lounge suite, Karl. Question number two. The struggle of class against class is a what struggle? A what struggle?A political struggle.The workers' control of the means of production? The struggle of the urban proletariat?No. It was in fact, Wolverhampton Wanderers who beat Leicester 3 1.and CAPTION 'IN WORLD FORUM TODAY KARL MARX, CHE GUEVARA, LENIN AND MAO TSE TUNG. NEXT WEEK, FOUR LEADING HEADS OF STATE OF THE AFRO ASIAN NATIONS AGAINST BRISTOL ROVERS AT MOLINEUX''YPRES 1914' The camera pulls slowly out, with the plaintive harmonica still playing, to reveal the interior of a bunker in the trenches. Sitting around on old ammunition boxes etc. are the harmonica player, Private Jenkins, Sergeant Jackson, a padre with no arms, a sheikh, a Viking warrior, a male mermaid, a nun, a milkman and a Greek Orthodox priest. Sounds of warfare throughout, shells thudding, explosions etc.What are you going to do when you get back to Blighty?I dunno, surge I expect I'll be looking after me mum. She'll be getting on a bit now.Got a family of your own 'ave you?No, she's she's all I got left now. My wife, Doreen she I got a letterYou don't have to tell me, son.No, sarge, I'd like to tell you, see this placeHold it. Hold it. Now, who changed the caption? Can whoever changed the caption put the right one back immediately please.'YPRES 1914'Aren't they marvellous? The strength and boldness life and power in those colors.This must be Titian's masterpiece.Oh indeed if only for the composition alone. The strength of those foreground figures the firmness of the lineYes, the confidence of the master at the height of his powers.Yes?Hello sonny, your dad in.?Yes.Could I speak to him please? It's the man from 'The Hay Wain'.Who?The man from 'The Hay Wain' by Constable.Dad it's the man from 'The Hay Wain' by Constable to see you.Coming.Hello? How are you? Come on in. 'No, no can't stop, just passing by, actually.Oh, where are you now?Well may you ask. We just been moved in next to a room full of Brueghels terrible bloody din. Skating all hours of the night. Anyway, I just dropped in to tell you there's been a walk out in the Impressionists.Walk out, eh?Yeah. It started with the 'Deieuner Sur L'Herbe' lot, evidently they were moved away from above the radiator or something. Anyway, the ImpresSionists are all out. Gainsborough's Blue Boy's brought out the eighteenth century English portraits, the Flemish School's solid, and the German woodcuts are at a meeting now.Right. Then I'll get the Renaissance School out.OK, meeting 4.30 'Bridge at Aries'.OK, cheerio good luck, son.OK.Right everybody out.What am I bid for Vermeer's 'Lady Who Used to be at a Window'? Do I hear two bob?Two bob!Gone. Now what am I bid for another great bargain? Edward Landseer's 'Nothing at Bay'.All we bloody want is a little bit of bloody consultation.Jenkins.Yes, sarge?What are you going to do when you get back to Blighty?I dunno, sarge. I expect I'll look after my mum. She'll be getting on a bit now.Got a family of your own have you?No she's all I got left now. My wife, Doreen she I got a letter.You don't have to tell me, son.No, sarge, I'd like to tell you. You see, this bloke from up the streetOK, chaps, at ease. I've just been up the lineCan we get through, sir?No, I'm afraid we'll have to make a break for it at nightfall.Right, sir. We're all with yer.Yes I know, that's just the problem, sergeant. How many are there of us.?Well there's you, me, Jenkins, Padre, Kipper, there's five, sir.And only rations forFour, sir.Precisely. I'm afraid one of us will have to take the 'other' way out.I'm a goner, major. Leave me, I'm I'm not a complete man anymore.You've lost both your arms as well.Yes. Damn silly really.No, no, we'll draw for it. That's the way we do things in the army.The straws!Right now, the man who gets the shortest strain knows what to doLooks like you, sir.Is it? What did we say, the longest straw was it?No, shortest, sir.How about one potato, two potato, sir?Don't be childish, Jenkins. No, I think, I think firsties would be best. OK, so hands behind backs. After three, OK, one, two, three.Not stone, sir.No arms, sir.Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I'm afraid I didn't tell you what. All those people who don't want to stay here and shoot themselves raise their arms.Stop it! Stop it! Stop this this hideous facade.Easy, padre!A horse. A 'horse. My kingdom for a horse.A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.But in here we have some very nasty cases indeed.To be or not to be. That is the question. To beGood evening. First take a bunch of flowersYou sit here, dear.All right.Morning!Well, what've you got?Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spamor Lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.Have you got anything without spam?Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.I don't want ANY spam!Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?THAT'S got spam in it!Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?Urgghh!What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!Shut up!Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!Shut up!! Baked beans are off.Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?'ROYAL EPISODE THIRTEEN' CAPTION 'FIRST SPOOF' CAPTION 'A COAL MINE IN LLANDDAROG CARMARTHEN'Don't you talk to me like that, you lying bastard.You bleeding pig. You're not fit to be down a mine.Typical bleeding Rhondda, isn't it. You think you're so bloody clever.You bloody fighting again. Break it up or I'll put this pick through your head. Now what's it all about?He started it.Oh, you bleeding pig, you started it.I don't care who bloody started it. What's it about?Well he said the bloody Treaty of Utrecht was I713.So it bloody is.No it bloody isn't. It wasn't ratified 'til February 17 14.He's bluffing. You're mind's gone, Jenkins. You're rubbish.He's right, Jenkins. It was ratified September 1713. The whole bloody pit knows that. Look in Trevelyan, page 468.He's thinking of the Treaty of bloody Westphalia.Are you saying I don't know the difference between the War of the bloody Spanish Succession and the Thirty bloody Years War?You don't know the difference between the Battle of Borodino and a tiger's bum.Hey, gaffer, can you settle something? Morgan here says you find the abacus between the triglyphs in the frieze section of the entablature of classical Greek Doric temples.You bloody fool, Morgan, that's the metope. The abacus is between the architrave and the aechinus in the capital.You stinking liar.Oh, most magnificent and merciful majesty, master of the universe, protector of the meek, whose nose we are not worthy to pick and whose very feces are an untrammelled delight, and whose peacocks keep us awake all hours of the night with their noisy lovemaking, we beseech thee, tell thy humble servants the name of the section between the triglyphs in the frieze section of a classical Doric entablature.No idea. Sorry.Right. Everybody out.Still no settlement in the coal mine dispute at Llanddarog. Miners refused to return to work until the management define a metope. Meanwhile, at Dagenham the unofficial strike committee at Fords have increased their demands to thirteen reasons why Henry III was a bad king. And finally, in the disgusting objects international at Wembley tonight, England beat Spain by a plate of braised pus to a putrid heron. And now, the Toad Elevating Moment.Good evening. Well, we have in the studio tonight a man who says things in a very roundabout way. Isn't that so, Mr. Pudifoot.Yes.Have you always said things in a very roundabout way?Yes.Well, I can't help noticing that, for someone who claims to say things in a very roundabout way, your last two answers have very little of the discursive quality about them.Oh, well, I'm not very talkative today. It's a form of defensive response to intensive interrogative stimuli. I used to get it badly when I was a boy well, I say very badly, in fact, do you remember when there was that fashion for, you know, little poodles with small coatsAh, now you're beginning to talk in a roundabout way.Oh, I'm sorry.No, no, no, no. Please do carry on because that is in fact why we wanted you on the show.Well lets move on to our guest who not only lives in Essex but also speaks only the ends of words. Mr. Ohn Ith. Mr. Ith, good evening. ood ing.Nice to have you on the show. ice o e ere.Mr. Ith, don't you find it very difficult to make yourself understood?Yes, it is extremely difficult.Just a minute, you're a fraud!Oh no. I can speak the third and fourth sentences perfectly normally.Oh I see. So your next sentence will be only the ends of words again?T's ight.Well, let's move on to our next guest who speaks only the beginnings of words, Mr. J Sm Mr. Sm good evening.G eWell, have you two met before?N oN oWell, this is really a fascinating occasion because we have in the studio Mr. oh I who speaks only the middles of words. Good evening.. oo niUm, where do you come from?. .. u i aDunfermline in Scotland. Well let me introduce you, Mr. Ohn Ith ood ing. oo niJ Sm oo niG EveYes, well, ha, ha, just a moment. Perhaps you would all like to say good evening together.G. .. oo dEve ni ing.All right, come on, that's enough, that's enough. treacle tan chocolate cake andWho wrote that?Herbert Mental collects birdwatchers' eggs. At his home in Surrey he has a collection of over four hundred of them.Dinsdale! Dinsdale!Good morning. I've been in touch with you about the, er, life insuranceAh yes, did you bring the um the specimen of your um and so on, and so on?Yes I did. It's in the car. There's rather a lot.Good, good.Do you really need twelve gallons?No, no, not really.Do you test it?No.Well, why do you want it?Well, we do it to make sure that you're serious about wanting insurance, I mean, if you're not, you won't spend a couple of months filling up that enormous churn with mmm, so on and so onShall I bring it in?Good Lord no. Throw it away.Throw it away? I was months filling that thing up.Fractured tibia, sergeant.Aaargh!Right, squad, 'shun! Squad, right turn. Squad, by the left, quick limp! Come on, pick 'em up. Get some air in those wounds.MICHAEL I've got a triple fracture of the right leg, dislocated collar bone and multiple head injuries, so I do most of the heavy work, like helping the surgeon.What does that involve?Well, at the moment we're building him a holiday home.What about the nurses?Well, I don't know about them. They're not allowed to mix with the patients.Do all the patients work?No, no, the ones that are really ill do sport.Yes, one thing patients here dread are the runs.How are you feeling?Much better.Er, very little shortage of doctors here. We have over forty doctors per bed er, patient. Oh, be honest. Bed.We've every facility here for dealing with people who are rich. We can deal with a blocked purse, we can drain private accounts and in the worst eases we can perform a total cashectomy, which is total removal of all moneys from the patient.Well, here we try to help people who have to link sketches together. We try to stop them saying 'Have you ever wondered what it would be like if' and instead say something like um er 'And now the mountaineering sketch'.I haven't written a mountaineering sketch.But now over to the exploding version of the 'Blue Danube'.And now a dormitory in a girls' public school.Hello, Agnes Agnes are you awake? Agnes.AgnesWho is it is that you, Charlie?Yeah Agnes, where's Jane?I'm over here, Charlie.Jane, we're going down to raid the tuck shop.Oh good oh count me in, girls.Can I come, too, Agnes?Yeah, Joyce.And me and AvrilYeah, rather and Suki.Oh, whacko the diddle oh.Cave girls Here comes Miss RodgersAll right girls, now stop this tomfoolery and get back to bed, remember it's the big match at St Bridget's tomorrow.'THE NAUGHTIEST GIRL IN THE SCHOOL'Oh, it's still raining.I'm going down the shops.Oh, be a dear and get me some rats' bane for the budgie's boil. Otherwise I'll put your eyes out.Coo ee. Torpedo bay.Yoo hoo. Torpedo bay.She said torpedo bay.Yes, she did, she did.Yes, she said torpedo bay. She did, she did.Mrs. Lieutenant Edale here. Mrs. Midshipman Nesbitt's got one of her headaches again, so I put her in the torpedo tube.Roger, Mrs. Edale. Stand by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt.Stand by to fire Mrs. Nesbitt.Red alert, put the kettle on.Kettle on.Engine room, stand by to feed the cat.Standing by to feed the cat.Fire Mrs. Nesbitt.Oh, that's much better.As an admiral who came up through the ranks more times than you've had hot dinners, I wish to join my husband O.W.A Giveaway in condemning this shoddy misrepresentation of our modern navy. The British Navy is one of the finest and most attractive and butchest fighting forces in the world. I love those white flared trousers and the feel of rough blue serge on those pert little buttocksI'm afraid we are unable to show you any more of that letter. We continue with a man with a stoat through his head.Still no sign of land. How long is it?That's a rather personal question, sir.I'm sorry.Shut up. Start again.Still no sign of land. How long is it?33 days, sir.Thirty three days?Shut up.Well, I don't think I did.'Course you did.Yes I think you did.Shut up. Shut up!Still no sign of land. How long is it?33 days, sir.STILL no sign of land. How long is it?33 days, sir.Thirty three days?We can't go on much longer, sir. We haven't eaten since the fifth day.We're done for, we're done for!Shut up, Morley.We've just got to keep hoping. Someone may find us.How we feeling, Captain?Not too good. II feel so weak.We can't hold out much longer.Listenchapsthere's still a chance. I'mdone for, I'vegot a gamy leg and I'm going fast; I'll never get through. Butsome of you might. Soyou'd better eat me.Eat you, sir?Yes. Eat me.Ewwww! With a gamy leg?You didn't eat the leg, Thompson. There's still plenty of good meat. Look at that arm.It's not just the leg, sir.What do you mean?Well, sirit's just that Why don't you want to eat me?So would I, sir.I see.Well that's settled theneveryone's gonna eat me!Uh, well.What, sir?No, no you go ahead, please, I won't.Oh nonsense, sir, you're starving; ducking.No, no, it's not that.What's the matter with Johnson, sir?Well, he's not kosher.That depends how we kill him, sir.Yes, that's true. But to be perfectly frank II like my meat a little more lean. I'd rather eat Hodges.Oh well, all right.I still prefer Johnson.I wish you'd all stop bickering and eat me.Look. I tell you what. Those who want to can eat Johnson. And you, sir, can have my leg. And we make some stock from the Captain, and then we'll have Johnson cold for supper.Good thinking, Hodges.Dear Sir, I am glad to hear that your studio audience disapproves of the last skit as strongly as I. As a naval officer I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism. It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control, and that it is the RAF who now suffer the largest casualties in this area. And what do you think the Argylls ate in Aden. Arabs? Yours etc. Captain B.J. Smethwick in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.Yup, that's right, what can I do for you, squire?Um, well, I wonder if you can help me. My mother has just died and I'm not quite sure what I should do.Ah, well, we can 'elp you. We deal with stiffs.Yea. Now there's three things we can do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.Dump her?Dump her in the Thames.Oh, did you like her?Yes!Oh well, we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think burn her, or bury her?Um, well, um, which would you recommend?Well they're both nasty. If we burn her, she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead. But quick. And then you get a box of ashes, which you can pretend are hers.Or, if you don't wanna fry her, you can bury her. And then she'll get eaten up by maggots and weevils, nibble, nibble, nibble, which isn't so hot if, as I said, she's not quite dead.I see. Um. Well, I.. I.. I.. I'm not very sure. She's definitely dead.Where is she?In the sack.Let's 'ave a look.Umm, she looks quite young.Yes, she was.I THINK WE'VE GOT AN EATER!I'll get the oven on!Um, erexcuse me, um, are you are you suggesting we should eat my mother?Actually, I do feel a bit peckish No! NO, I can't!Look, we'll eat your mum. Then, if you feel a bit guilty about it afterwards, we can dig a grave and you can throw up into it.All right.Michael Norman Randall, you have been found guilty of the murder of Arthur Reginald Webster, Charles Patrick Trumpington, Marcel Agnes Bernstein, Lewis Anona Rudd, John Malcolm Kerr, Nigel Sinclair Robinson, Norman Arthur Potter, Felicity Jayne Stone, Jean Paul Reynard, Rachel Shirley Donaldson, Stephen Jay Greenblatt, Karl Heinz Mullet, Belinda Anne Ventham, Juan Carlos Fernandez, Thor Olaf Stensgaard, Lord Kimberrley of Pretoria, Lady Kimberley of Pretoria, The Right Honourable Nigel WarmsIcy Kimberley, Robert Henry Noonan and Felix James Bennett, on or about the morning of the 19th December 1972. Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?Yes, sir. I'm very sorry.Very sorry!No, no, we were only doing our job.No, no, no, no.It's very good of you to say that, but I know what you've been through.No, no, we've had worse.It was plain sailng apart from the arrest.I know and I'm grateful I'd like to apologize too to the prosecuting counsel for dragging him in here morning after morning in such lovely weather.Well, I would have had to come in anyway.Ah good, but what a presentation of a case!Oh thank you.No, no, it's a privilege to watch you in action. I never had a chance.Oh yes you did.Not after that summing up. Great.And now I must come to the jury. What can I say. I've dragged you in here, day after day, keeping you away from your homes, your jobs, your loved ones, just to hear the private details of my petty atrocities.No, no, 'it was very interesting.But you could have had a much nicer case.No, no, murder's much more fun.Yes and so many of them.Excellent.Well er not necessarily.No, m'lud, the full penalty of the law is hardly sufficient, I insist I must be made an example of.Well yes and no. I mean society at largeOh no, m'lud. Not with mass murder.Yes, yes!Oh, come on, m'lud, you've got to give me life.No, no, no, no.Ten years!Shame. Shame!Well five then. Be fair.No, no. I'm giving you three months.Oh no, that's so embarrassing. I won't hear of it. Give me sixplease.Well, all right. Six months.Thank you, m'lud.But suspended.Oh no.Three cheers for the defendant. Hip. Hip.Hooray.Hip. Hip.Hooray.Hip. Hip.Hooray.For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow'NJORL'S SAGA PART II'This little known Icelandic saga, written by an unknown hand in the late thirteenth century, has remained undiscovered until today. Now it comes to your screens for the first time. Fresh from the leaves of Iceland's history. The terrible 'Njorl's Saga'.It's not that terrible.No, I meant terribly violent.Oh yeah, yeah.Well I'm afraid we're having a little trouble getting this very exciting Icelandic saga started. If any of you at home have any ideas about how to get this exciting saga started again here's the address to write toHelp the Exciting Icelandic Saga, 18b MacNorten Buildings, Oban.Well it wasn't all that terrible.No, no, I meant terrible in the sense of unfortunate.Oh.Anyway, our plea for assistance has been answered by the North Malden Icelandic Saga Society who've given us some very useful information about the saga and so we carD' on now with 'Njorl's Saga' with our thanks going, once again, to the North Maiden Icelandic Saga Society.And we apologize to viewers of 'Njorl's Saga' who may be confused by some of the references to North Malden. After a frank exchange of views we have agreed to carry on showing this version supplied to us by the North Malden Icelandic Saga Society on the undertaking that future scenes will adhere more closely to the spirit of twelfth century Iceland.Hello? Is that the North Malden Icelandic Society?Yes, that's right.About this saga.Oh yes, the Icelandic saga.Yes.Good, isn't it.Well er, I don't know, but you promised us that you would stick to the spirit of the original text.Yes, that's right.Well I mean a lot of these things that are happening, well they just don't quite ring true.Well, it's a new interpretation really.Well we don't want a new'INVEST IN MALDEN' I mean we wanted the proper thing I mean just look what's happening now.Banners were a very important part of Icelandic lore, Mr. Mills.No, no, I'm sorry I, I can't accept that, it's gone too far, I'm very sorry but we'll have to terminate the agreement. You're just trying to cash in on the BBC's exciting Icelandic saga.That's business, Mr. Mills.Well, that's as maybe but it's not the way the BBC works.Well I'm sorry you feel that way but er, you know, if you ever want to come to Malden'INVEST IN MALDEN'8 o'clock is a peak viewing hour so naturally we tend to sack to our comedy output unless of course there's sport because of course we know this is popular, and popularity is what television is about. Quite frankly I'm sick and tired of people accusing us of being ratings conscious.Transmitting bland garbage, m'lud.Thank you.Now I'm really cheesed off. I mean it's not your high brow bleeding plays that pull in the viewers, you know.Thank you.Case dismissed, m'lud?Oh all right, five years.Call the next case please.Call Erik Njorl, son of Frothgar, brother of Hangnor etc..You are Erik Njorl, son of FrothgarGet on with it!Will you raise your right hand.He obviously can't raise his right hand, you silly usher person can you raise your right leg Mr. Njorl?Can you raise any part of your body, Mr. Njorl?I see well, we'll skip that well, just take the book in your right hand Mr. Njorl without raising any part of your body Oh .What is it now, you persistently silly usher?He can't hold the Bible m'lud.Well screw the Bible! Let's get on with this bleeding trial, I've got a Gay Lib meeting at 6 o'clock. Superintendent Lufthansa will you please read the charge.Is a charge strictly necessary, m'lud?Oh sorry! Right, here we go. You are hereby charged. one, that you did, on or about 1126, conspire to publicize a London Borough in the course of a BBC sags; two, that you were willfully and persistently a foreigner; three, that you conspired to do 2 things not normally considered illegal; four, that you were caught , in possession of an offensive weapon, viz. the big brown table down at the police station.The big brown table down at the police station?It's the best we could find, m'lud and five all together nowAssaulting a police officer!Police constable, do you recognize the defendant?Constable, will you please tell the court in your . own words what happened?Defendant.Defendant! Sorry. Sorry, super. I clearly saw the defendant doing whatever he's accused of Red handed. When kicked he said 'It's a fair cop, I done it all Right no doubt about that'. Then, bound as he was to the chair, he assaulted myself and three other constables while bouncing around the area. The end.Thank you, thank you and for my next piece of evidenceI think you'd better leave it there, constable.Don't call me Maurice in court!I'm sorry.And now the Stock Market Report by Exchange Telegraph.Hullo, Mrs. Premise.Hullo, Mrs. Conclusion.Busy Day?Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat.*Four hours* to bury a cat?Yes it wouldn't keep still.Oh it wasn't dead, then?No, no but it's not at all well, so as we were going to be on the safe side.Quite right you don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat. It'd be so anticlimactic. Yes, kill it now, that's what I say. We're going to have to have our budgie put down.Really is it very old?No, we just don't like it. We're going to take it to the vet tomorrow.Tell me, how do they put budgies down, then?Well, it's funny you should ask that, because I've just been reading a great big book about how to put your budgie down, and apparently you can either hit them with the book, or you can shoot them just there, just above the beak.Just there? Well, well, well. 'Course, Mrs. Essence flushed hers down the loo.No, you shouldn't do that no, that's dangerous. They *breed* in the *sewers*!Hello, Mrs. Premise.Hello, Mrs. Conclusion.Busy day?Busy! I've just spent four hours burying the cat.Four hours to bury a cat?Yes! It wouldn't keep still, wriggling about howling its head off.Oh it wasn't dead then?Well, no, no, but it's not at all a well cat so as we were going away for a fortnight's holiday, I thought I'd better bury it just to be on the safe side.Quite fight. You don't want to come hack from Sortonto to a dead cat. It'd be so anticlimactic. Yes, kill it now, that's what I say.Yes.We're going to have our budgie put down.Really? Is it very old?No. We just don't like it. We're going to take it to the vet tomorrow.Tell me, how do they put budgies down then?Well it's funny you should ask that, but I've just been reading a great big book about how to put your budgie down, and apparently you can either hit them with the book, or, you can shoot them just there, just above the beak.Just there!Yes.Well well well. 'Course, Mrs. Essence flushed hers down the 1oo.It's a funny thing freedom. I mean how can any of us be really free when we still have personal possessions.You can't. You can't ' I mean, how can I go off and join Frelimo when I've got nine more installments to pay on the fridge.No, you can't. You can't. Well this is the whole crux of Jean Paul Sartre's 'Roads to Freedom'.No, it bloody isn't. The nub of that is, his characters stand for all of us in their desire to avoid action. Mind you, the man at the off license says it's an everyday story of French country folk.What does he know?Nothing.Sixty new pence for a bottle of Maltese Claret. Well I personally think Jean Paul's masterwork is an allegory of man's search for commitment.No it isn't.Yes it is.Isn't.'Tis.No it isn't.All right. We can soon settle this. We'll ask him.Do you know him?Yes, we met on holiday last year.In Ibeezer?Yes. He was staying there with his wife and Mr. and Mr. Genet. Oh, I did get on well with Madam S. We were like that.What was Jean Paul like?Well, we'll give a tinkle then.It's on the drier.No, no, that's Budapest. Oh here we are Sartre Sartre.It's 621036.Oh well, I'll ring BEA then.Oh look, Paris!That's not Paris. Jean Paul wouldn't live here. It's a right old dump.'NJORL'S SAGA PART IV'Here this is not Paris, this is Iceland.Who's he?Never heard of him. Flat 6, Marcel Marceau, Walking Against the Wind Ltd.. Flat 7, Indira Gandhi?She gets about a bit, doesn't she?Yes, Flat 8, Jean Paul and Betty Muriel Same.Oui.C'est nous, Betty Muriel, excusez que nous sorerues en retard.Entrez.Oui, merci.Hello! Oh this is Mrs. Conclusion from No. 46.Nice to meet you, dear.Hello.How's the old man, then?Oh, don't ask. He's in one of his bleeding moods. 'The bourgeoisie this is the bourgeoisie that' he's like a little child sometimes. I was only telling the Rainiers the other day course he's always rude to them, only classy friends we've got I was saying solidarity with the masses I said pie in the sky! Oooh! You're not a Marxist are you Mrs. Conclusion?No, I'm a Revisionist.Oh good. I mean, look at this place! I'm at my wits' end. Revolutionary leaflets everywhere. One of these days I'll revolutionary leaflets him. If it wasn't for the goat you couldn't get in here for propaganda.Oh very well. Can we pop in and have a word with him?Yes come along.Thank you.But be careful. He's had a few. Mind you he's as good as gold in the morning, I've got to hand it to him, but come lunchtime it's a bottle of vin ordinalre six glasses and he's ready to agitate.Coo ee! Jean Paul? Jean Paul! It's only us. Oh pardon c'est m'me nousOui.Jean Paul. Your famous trilogy 'Rues i Liberte, is it an allegory of man's search for commitment?Oui.I told you so.Oh coitus.'THE END''WHICKER'S WORLD'Today we look at a vanishing race. A problem people who are fast disappearing off the face of the earth.A race who one might say are losing a winning battle.They live in a sunshine paradise, a Caribbean dream, where only reality is missing.For this is Whicker Island.An island inhabited entirely by ex international interviewers in pursuit of the impossible dream.The whole problem of Whicker Island is here in a nutshell.There are just too many Whickers.The light weight suits.The old school tie.The practiced voice of the seasoned campaigner.Cannot hide the basic tragedy here.There just aren't enough rich people left to interview.Father Pierre, why did you stay on in this colonial Campari land where the clink of glasses mingles with the murmur of a million mosquitoes, where waterfalls of whisky wash away the worries of a world weary Whicker, where gin and tonic jingle in a gyroscopic jubilee of something beginning With J Father Pierre, why did you stay on here?Well there you have it, a crumbling empire in the sun drenchedCaribbean, where the clichés sparkle on the waters like the music of repeat feesAnd so from Whicker Island it's fare well and bon. .. voy age.WHICKER'S WORLD WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY ALAN WHICKER JOHN CLEESE WHICKER GRAHAM WHICKER CHAPMAN ALAN MICHAEL PALIN WHICKER ERIC WHICKER WH1CKER IDLE TERRY TERRY WHICKER ALAN GILLIAM ALSO APPEARING ALAN WHICKER MRS IDLE CONNIE WHICKER BOOTH RITA WHICKER DAVIES NIGEL WHICKER JONES FRANK WILLIAMS AS THE BOY WHICKER MAKE UP ALAN WHICKER AND MADELAINE GAFFNEY ALAN WHICKER COSTUMES HAZEL PETHIG ANIMATIONS BY TERRY WHICKER GILLIAM MR WHICKER KINDLY PHOTOGRAPHED ON FILM BY ALAN FEATHERSTONE EDITED ON FILM BY RAY MILLICHOPE MR WHICKER'S SOUND BY ALAN WHICKER, ALAN WHICKER AND RICHARD CHUBB MR WHICKER WAS ENTIRELY LIT BY JIMMY PURDIE ASSISTED BY ALAN WHICKER MR WHICKER WAS DESIGNED BY ROBERT BERK PRODUCED BY ALAN WHICKER OH, AND IAN MCNAUGHTON A BBC WHICKER COLOR PRODUCTIONWho, a year ago, had heard of Mr. and Mrs. Brian Norris of 37, Gledhill Gardens, Parsons Green? And yet their epic journey in EBW 343 has set them alongside Thor Heyerdahl and Sir Edmund Hillary. Starting only with a theory, Mr. Norris set out to prove that the inhabitants of Hounslow could have been descendants of the people of Surbiton who had made the great trek north. No newcomer to this field, Mr. Norris's 'A Short History of Motor Traffic Between Parley and Esher' had become a best selling minor classic in the car swapping belt.Firstly, the similarity of the houses. Secondly, the similarity of the costume between Hounslow and Surbiton,and thirdly, the similarity of speech.Are you still running the GDBDMDB?Yes, but I've had the excess nipples woppled to remove tamping.Jolly good.Were these just coincidences, or were they, as Mr. Norris believed, part of an identical cultural background? One further discovery convinced him.The lawnmower. Surely such a gadget could not have been generated independently in two separate areas. Mr. Norris was convinced.I'm convinced.But how to prove it.But how to prove it.There was only one way to see if the journey between Surbiton and Hounslow was possible, and that was to try and make it. Months of preparation followed whilst Mr. Norris continued his research in the Putney Public Library,and Mrs. Norris made sandwiches.Finally, by April, they were ready. On the 23rd, Mr. and Mrs. Norris set out from 'Abide A Wee' to motor the fifteen miles to Surbiton, watched by a crowd of local well wishers.That evening they dined at Tooting.This would be the last they'd see of civilization. Mr. Norris's diary for the 23rd reveals the extraordinary calmness and deep inner peacefulness of his mind.7.30 Fed cat. 8.00 Breakfast. 8.30 Yes successfully. 9.00 Set out on historic journey.On the morning of the 24th, early to avoid the traffic, Mr. Norris's historic expedition set out from Surbiton destination Hounslow. Early on they began to perceive encouraging signs.The writing on the sign was almost exactly the same as the writing in the AA book. They were on the right route. During the long hours of the voyage, Mr. Norris's wife Betty kept a complete photographic record and made sandwiches. This is some of the unique footage which Mrs. Norris got back from the chemistsMile succeeded mile and the terrific strain was beginning to tell when suddenly,by an amazing stroke of luck, Mr. Norris had come across the Kingston by pass. This was something to tell the Round Table.Could this have been the method used? Hardly daring to believe, Mr. Norris led his expedition on to the 3.47.Hounslow.Was this, then, the final proof? Something aroused the accountant's instinct buried deep in Mr. Norris's make up.The journey was possible, and yet .'Wrong Way' Norris had accidentally stumbled on a piece of anthropological history. It was the inhabitants of Hounslow who had made the great trek south to the sunnier pastures of Surbiton, and not vice versa, as he had originally surmised. This was the secret of Surbiton! Happy and contented Mr. Norris returned to the calmer waters of chartered accountancy, for, in his way, 'Wrong Way' Norris was right.'THE END'It was Tidwell's idea, sir.Shut up, Stebbins! I haven't finished. Oh, by the way, congratulations on winning the Italian Grand Prix at Monza.Thank you, sir.Shut up. Now then, this sort of extra curricular capitalist expansion has got to stop! l made it quite clear when Potter tried to go public last term, that these massive stock exchange deals must not happen in Big School. Is that clear, Balderston?Yes, sir.Oh, and Balderston, next time you do a 'Panorama' Report on the Black Ghettos you must get an exert form from Mr. Dibley.Sorry, sir.Oh, sir! Why don't you ask Stebbins? He's a gynecologist.Ooh! You rotten stinker, Tidwell!Is this true, Stebbins? Are you a gynecologist?Right, just the man. How much do you charge?Excellent. Right. I want you to go along to see the wife. Give her a full examination, and let me know the results by the end of break. And don't pick your nose!Hello.Hello.Well, last week we showed you how to become a gynecologist. And this week on 'How to do it' we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.Hello, Alan.Hello, Jackie.Well, first of all become a doctor and discover a marvellous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything right so there'll never be any diseases ever again.Great, great, Alan. Well, next week we'Ll be showing you how black and white people can live together in peace and harmony, and Alan will be over in Moscow showing us how to reconcile the Russians and the Chinese. So, until next week, cheerio.Bye.Bye.Oh, yes, he's such a clever little boy, just like his father.D'you think so, Mrs. Nigger Baiter?Oh yes, spitting image.Good afternoon, mother. Good afternoon, Mrs. Nigger Baiter.Ooh, he's walking already!Yes, he's such a clever little boy, aren't you? Coochy coochy coo . . .Hello, coochy cooHello, hello they chuck him under the chinOf course I talk, I'm Minister for Overseas Development.Oh, Mrs. Nigger Baiter's exploded.Good thing, too.She was my best friend.Oh, mother, don't be so Sentimental. Things explode every day.Yes, I suppose so. Anyway, I didn't really like her that much.Hello, I'm your new vicar. Can I interest you in any encyclopedias?Ah, no thank you. We're not Church people, thank you.How about brushes? Nylon or bristle? Strong tufted, attractive colors.No really, thank you, vicar.Oh dear Turkey? Cup final tickets?No, no really, we're just not religious thank you.Oh, well. Bye bye.Remember, if you do want anything jewelry, Ascot water heatersNo I'm not religious, I'm afraid.Oh, souvenirs, badges a little noddy dog for the back of the car?No thank you, vicar. Good morning.Oh, morning.Watch it!Don't go any further!Turn back!Stop!Stop! Oh, please stop!Oh, my god, he's fallen off the edge of the cartoon.Well, so much for that link.'FARMING CLUB, IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE POTATO MARKETING BOARD, ALSO IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE BEETROOT, HAM, EGG AND TOMATO MARKETING BOARD, AND ALSO IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE LITTLE GREEN BITS OF CUCUMBER DICED WITH SHALLOTS, GARNISHED WITH CHIVES AND SERVED WITH A ROQUEFORT DRESSING MAKES AN EXCELLENT APPETIZER OR SIDE DISH WITH A STEAK OR A STEW MARKETING BOARD, PRESENTS THE LIFE OF PETER ILYICH TCHAIKOVSKY, IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE PETER ILYICH TCHAIKOVSKY MARKETING BOARD'Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky was born in 1840 in a Ken Russell film just outside St Petersburg. His father Leo McKern, a free lance bishop, was married to Vern Plachenka Julie Christie but secretly deeply in love with Margo Farenka Shirley Abicair and the strangely flatulent Madame Ranevsky Norris McWhirter. Soon, however, the family Eldridge Cleaver, Moira Lister and Stan the Bat moved to the neighboring industrial village of Omsk Eddie Waring where they soon found themselves, sadly, quite unable to cope Anthony Barber. In i863, however, Tchaikovsky was sent to Moscow to study the piano and, when he'd finished that, the living room. Maurice takes up the story.Well, guess what, the very next thing he did was to go to this extraordinary but extraordinary duckety poos semi Mondrian house in Robin Russia. Here Tommy Tchaikovsky wrote some of the most Sammy super symphonies you've ever Henry heard in the whole of your Lily life.'A FAMOUS MUSIC CRITIC AND HAIRDRESSER'She was such a good composer that everybody, but everybody, wanted to know, and quite right too, because she wrote some lovely bits, such as Sally Sleeping Beauty, Poesy Pathetique, Adrian 1812 and lots of Conny concerti for Vera violin and Peter Piano Fanny Forte.But what do we really know of this tortured ponce?Well, if you can imagine the size of Nelson's Column, which is roughly three times the size of a London bus, then Tchaikovsky was much smaller. His head was about the same size as that of an extremely large dog, that is to say, two very small dogs, or four very large hamsters, or one medium size rabbit if you count the whole of the body and not just the head. Robin.Peter.Simon.Maurice.Me. Well, poor pet, she was like a lost lamb in an abattoir. Eventually she Dickie died of Colin Cholera in St Patsy Petersburg, in Gettie great Percy pain.Here to play Tchaikovsky's first piano concerto in B Flat Minor is the world famous soloist Sviatoslav Richter. 'During the performance he will escape from a sack, three padlocks and a pair of handcuffs.'SVIATOSLAV RICHTER AND RITA''AND NOW''TRIM JEANS THEATRE PRESENTS'Good evening. This new series of 'Trim Jeans Theatre Presents' will enable you to enjoy the poetry of T. S. Eliot whilst losing unsightly tummy bulge. Jean.'THESE THREE PEOPLE ARE REDUCING THEIR WAIST, THIGHS, HIPS AND ABDOMEN EVEN AS THEY RECOMMEND'Wow, yes and the inches stay off. Mark.Terrific! Thrill to Thomas a Becket's Kierkegaardian moment of choice while making your physique fighter, firmer, neater.I am here. No traitor to the King.Absolve all those you have excommunicated.Resign those powers you have arrogated.Renew the obedience you have violated.Lose inches off your hips, thighs, buttocks and abdomen.A terrific product.Terrific.And this comes complete with the most revolutionary guarantee in slenderizing history!Terrific.Terrific.Yes, why not join us for a season of classic plays and rapid slenderizing. Enjoy Sir John Gielgud and Sir Ralph Richardson losing a total of fifteen inches in David Storey's 'Home'.Enjoy the 'The Trim Gentlemen of Verona' and 'Long Day's Journey into Night' while inches melt away.Enjoy Glenda Jackson with a Constant Snug Fit and Solid Support in all four areas.'INCHES LOST SO FAR'Achtungl Halt! Halt!Welcome aboard, Britisher pig. Quite a little surprise, ja? But perhaps you would be so kind as to tell us au you know about certain allied shipping routes, ja? Come on, talk!Hello, Fritz. Tables seem to have turned, old chap, let's see how you like a bit of your own medicine, eh? Come on, Fritz, now tell us tell us aboutAh, gleetings, capitalist dog; very sorry but must inform you, you are now prisoner of People's Republic.Am very sorry, comrade commando, but have just picked up capitalist ship on ladar scanner.over tannoy This is your captain speaking. There is no need for panic. Woman and children first. I repeat that, women and children first.Do not rush for the lifeboats remember, women and children first.And Red Indians!It was the only thing left.And spacemen!Well it's a sort of impression of what a kind of Renaissance courtier artist might have looked like at the court of one of the great families like the Medici or the BorgiasNo it's not, it's more Hemish than Italian.Yes that's a Flemish merchant of the fifteenth or sixteenth centuriesWhat! With these tasselsYes, yes. They had those fined doublets going tapering down into the full hose you know exactly like that.No, it is not a Flemish merchant. It's more a sort of idealized version of the complete Renaissance ManOh, all right.It's not'A FEW DAYS LATER'Flemish merchants did not wear hand embroidered chevrons. They did not!Twenty right guineas, sir! Ooh, sorry.You fool Gomez that's twenty eight guineas What about me, sir?Are you supposed to speak?No, sir.But you've just spoken!Oh, sorry, sir.It's a stunt, sir, an extra twenty guineas.Are you going to be in there all night?It's Puss!Hello, Puss!Hello, children!Stop! Stop this adaptation of 'Puss in Boots'! This is the Police Department of the State of Venezuela!Oh no it isn't!Oh, yes it is!Like not paying twenty eight guineas.Shut up! Now, what ship are you from?We are from the SS Mother Goose, we were twelve days out from Port of Spain, and I I got thirty bob for the trousers!We are from SS Mother Goose. We were twelve days out from Port of Spain, and one night I was doing my usual rounds, when I had occasion to pass the forward storage lockersGo on!A small, small rat was ghastly and horrible and befurred its little red eyes glinted in the unaccustomed glare of the midday sun and before I could shut the hatch, it sprang upon me with one almightyWhat's this about doing the 'Horse of the Year Show' in here tonight?I'm sorry, Mrs. Kelly. We don't know, I'm afraid this is drama.Mr. Fox told me, before he went down to the pub, that they were doing 'Horse of the Year Show' in here tonight at 9.Io.This is BBC 2.I think BBC I are in the kitchen.Well, I'm not having Harvey Smith jumping over my binette. tearing at my throat, ripping my clothesAnd turn the gas off before you leave!All right!!I fought it with all my strength, but it was too much for meThat's what you think, Mr. Fox!Well, that's all from BBC Television for this eveningTonight from London your special guests are Lulu, Ringo Starr and the man you've all been waiting for your host for tonightLove the outfit dear, it's gorgeousHello, good evening, welcome. It's.I've got ninety thousand pounds in my pajamas. I've got forty thousand French francs in my fridge. I've got lots of lovely lire. Now the Deutschmark's getting dearer, And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge.There is nothing quite as wonderful as money. There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash. Some people say it's folly, But I'd rather have the lolly. With money you can make a splash.There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.Money, money, money, money.There is nothing like a newly minted pound.Money, money, money, money.Everyone must hanker For the butchness of a banker.It's accountancy that makes the world go 'round.'Round, 'round, 'round.You can keep your Marxist ways, For it's only just a phase, For it's money, money, money makes the world go 'round.Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, moneeeeey!'ERIZABETH L''EPISODE THREE' and 'THE ALMALDA'I bling a dispatch flom Prymouth.Flom Prymouth?Flow Sil Flancis Dlake.Entel and apploach the thlone.What news fiom Prymouth?Dlake has sighted the Spanish Freet, youl Majesty.So! Phirip's garreons ale hele. How many?One hundled and thilty six men of wal.Broody herr.Is Dlake plepaled?He has oldeled the whore freet into the Blitish Channer.So, we must to Tirbuly. Reicestel! Sil Wartel Lareigh! Groucester! We sharr lide toGroucestel! Groucestel! Not Groucester. Come on, ret's get this light. Reicestel!Yes.That was telliber.What?Telliber.Oh! Solly.When you have a rine, ling your berr.Ling my berr?You should be on a bicycer.Why?!You rook odd rike that.I do not look odd like this it's that lot that looks odd. It's bleeding weird having half the Tudor nobility ligging around on motorized bicycles.It's vely sullearist.Horsefeathers!Listen mate. I'm beginning,to have my doubts about you.What do you mean?I'm telling you straight, mate. I don't think you're Luchino Visconti at all.Of course I am. Me vely impoltant Itarian firm dilectol.You are a Nip.He's bluffing.Leopard of the Yard!What?I haven't got time to go chasing after him, there's violence to be done.I would like to ask the team what they would do if they were Hitler.Gerald?Well I'd annex the Sudetenland and sign a non aggression pact with Russia.Norman?Well I'd do the Reichstag bathroom in purples and golds and ban abortion on demand.Halibut.The jugged fish is halibut.What fish have you got that isn't jugged, then?Rabbit.What? Rabbit fish?Yes. It's got fins.Is it dead?Well, it was coughing up blood last night.All right I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.'ONE DEAD UNJUGGED RABBIT FISH LATER'Well that was really horrible.You're always complaining.What's for afters?Well there's rat cake rat sorbet rat pudding or strawberry tart.Strawberry tart?!Well it's got some rat in it.How much?Three, rather a lot really. well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.'ONE SLICE OF STRAWBERRY TART WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT LATER'Appalling.Moan, moan, moan.Hello, mum, hello, dad.Hello, son.There's a dead bishop on the landing.Where did that come from?What do you mean?What's its diocese?Well it looked a bit Bath and Wellsish to me.I don't know who keeps bringing them in here.Well it's not me.I've put three out by the bin and the dustmen won't touch 'em.How do you know?Tattooed on the back of his neck. I'm going to call the police.Shouldn't you call the Church?Call the Church police.Yes!There's another dead bishop on the landing.Suffragan or diocesan?How should I know?It's tattooed on the back of their necks. Ere! Is that rat tart?Yes.All right, it's a fair cop, but society is to blame.Agreed.I would like the three by the bin to be taken into consideration.Right. And now, I'd like to conclude this arrest with a hymn.What a simply super little place!Hello, Mr. Spare Buttons Supplied With The Shirt. Nice to see you again.These are some of my fellow explorers Sir Charles Farquarson, Briar Bailey, Betty Bailey and this is Mr. Akwekwe, who started the whole place.It really is super.May I recommend the alligator purees.Suddenly there is a hideous scream. We see a gorilla tear a man from his table at the back of the restaurant, in front of a tree and drag him back into the jungle. Awful shrieks are heard. Akwekwe runs into the jungle shouting, Terrible sounds of the unseen fight. Thrashing about of bushes in the distance. A shot rings out. Then silence also rings out. Akwekwe emerges, dragging the inert body of the cash customer whom he puts back in his chair. He slumps forward. Akwekwe comes back to the table in the foreground which has remained in the foreground throughout this preceding shot, with cut ins of the four explorers looking through the menu. Akwekwe has a bloodstained claw mark right across his face and chest and his dicky is torn and bloodstained.Now then, have you decided?Ye es Well there's two avocado vinaigrette here and what are you going to have Briar?Er quiche lorraine for me, please.Right, so that's two avocado, one quiche So, that's two avocado, one quiche And a soup of the day.Right. sinister sound of jungle drums in distance; close up of look of fear in Akwekwe's eyes And to follow?Two chicken a la reine, with sauce provencale.And one scampi desiree.And boeuf bourguignon with a green salad.Right on. Two chicken! One scampi! One boeuf with green salad!There may be a little delay.That's fine but we have to be out by three.Yes, sir. Yes, we'll try.'KEN RUSSELL'S GARDENING CLUB I958'And now back to the story.'KEN RUSSELL'S GARDENING CLUB I958'And now back to the story.That was a nasty business back at the restaurant.Yes, I thought most places took Barclaycard nowadays.Where do you think they're taking us, Brian?God knows!No, no, no, next to that.The London Brick Company?No, no, no, no next to that.The forbidden plateau of Roiurama, the Lost World, thrown up by mighty earth movements thousands of millions of years ago, where strange primeval creatures defying evolution, lurk in the dark, impenetrable forests, cut off forever from the outside world.I still can't see it.You don't think that's where they're taking us?Yes, and God knows what we'll find there.What page please?What?Meanwhile back in London at the British Explorers' Club in the MallAny news of Betty Bailey's expedition, Hargreaves?Er um erThat's my line.Oh, sorry. 'Where were they going, sir'?The Lost World of Roiurama.Yes sir, we've got a telegram.OHI wonder what's gone wrong.For God's sake be carefulFor God's sake be careful, sir.My God, Betty, we're done forWe'll never get out of here we're completely lost, lost. Even the natives have gone.Goodbye Betty, Goodbye Farquarson. Goodbye Brian. It's been a great expedition'CRYSTAL PALACE 1851'Great expedition .. ·All that'll be left of us will be a map, a compass and a few feet of film, recording our last momentsWait a moment!What is it?If we're on film, there must be someone filming us.My God, Betty, you're right!Look! Great to see you!What a stroke of luck!Hello! Wait a minute!What is it again?If this is the crew who were filming us . .. who's filming us now? Look!Not so fast, Akarumba! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Baboon of Scotland Yard's Special Fraud Film Director Squad, Jungle Division.Baboon of the Yard!talc And now on BBC another six minutes of Monty Python's Flying Circus.Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.Certainly sir. Have you been here before?No, I haven't, this is my first time.I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?Well, what is the cost?Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.Thank you.WHAT DO YOU WANT?Well, I was told outside thatDon't give me that, you snotty faced heap of parrot droppings!What?Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand!!OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.Oh, I see, well, that explains it.Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.Not at all.KnockCome in.Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?I told you once.No you haven't.Yes I have.When?Just now.No you didn't.Yes I did.You didn'tI did!You didn't!I'm telling you I did!You did not!!Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?Oh, just the five minutes.Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.You most certainly did not.Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.No you did not.Yes I did.No you didn't.Yes I did.No you didn't.Yes I did.No you didn't.Yes I did.You didn't.Did.Oh look, this isn't an argument.Yes it is.No it isn't. It's just contradiction.No it isn't.It is!It is not.Look, you just contradicted me.I did not.Oh you did!!No, no, no.You did just then.Nonsense!Oh, this is futile!No it isn't.I came here for a good argument.No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.An argument isn't just contradiction.It can be.No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.No it isn't.Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'Yes it is!No it isn't!Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.No it isn't.It is.Not at all.Now look.What?That's it. Good morning.I was just getting interested.Sorry, the five minutes is up.That was never five minutes!I'm afraid it was.It wasn't.I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.What?!If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!Look, this is ridiculous.I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!Oh, all right.Well?Well what?That wasn't really five minutes, just now.I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.I just paid!No you didn't.I DID!No you didn't.Look, I don't want to argue about that.Well, you didn't pay.Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!No you haven't.Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.Oh I've had enough of this.No you haven't.Oh Shut up.I want to complain.You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.No, I want to complain aboutIf you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.Oh!Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.Hello, I want to Ooooh!No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.uuuwwhh!!Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.No.Now..Waaaaah!!!Good, Good! That's it.Stop hitting me!!What?Stop hitting me!!Stop hitting you?Yes!Why did you come in here then?I wanted to complain.Oh no, that's next door. It's being hit on the head lessons in here.What a stupid concept.Right. Hold it there.What?Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special Flying Squad.Flying Fox of the Yard.Ooooh?No, no, no Waagh!Waagh!He's good! You could learn a thing or two from him. Right now you two me old beauties, you are nicked.What for?I'm charging you two under Section 21 of the Strange Sketch Act.The what?It's a fair cop.WAAAGH!That's excellent! Right, come on down the Yard.Hold it. Hold it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Thompson's Gazelle of the program Planning Police, Light Entertainment Division, Special Flying Squad.Flying Thompson's Gazelle of the Yard!Waaaagh!He's good.WAAGH!Good. Now I'm 'arrestin' this entire show on three counts one, acts of self conscious behavior contrary to the 'Not in front of the children' Act, two, always saying 'It's so and so of the Yard' every time the fuzz arrives and, three, and this is the cruncher, offences against the 'Getting out of sketches without using a proper punchline' Act, four, namely, simply ending every bleedin' sketch by just having a policeman come in and wait a minute.It's a fair cop.'THE END'And now on BBC 1, one more minute of Monty Python's Flying Circus.'BLOOD, DEATH, WAR, HORROR'Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of Blood Devastation Death War and Horror, and later on we'll be meeting a man who *does* gardening. But first on the show we've got a man who speaks entirely in anagrams.Taht si crreoct.Do you enjoy it?I stom certainly od. Revy chum so.And what's your name?Hamrag Hamrag YatlerotWell, Graham, nice to have you on the show. Now, where do you come from?Bumcreland.Cumberland?Stah't it sepricely.And I believe you're working on an anagram version of Shakespeare?Sey, sey taht si crreoct, er ta the mnemot I'm wroking on The Mating of the Wersh.The Mating of the Wersh? By William Shakespeare?Nay, by Malliwi Rapesheake.And what else?Two Netlemeng of Verona, Twelfth Thing, The Chamrent of Venice.Have you done Hamlet?Thamle. 'Be ot or bot ne ot, tath is the nestquoi.'And what is your next project?Ring Kichard the Thrid.I'm sorry?'A shroe! A shroe! My dingkom for a shroe!'Ah, Ring Kichard, yes but surely that's not an anagram, that's a spoonerism.Tony M. Nyphot's Flying Risccu.'CHAMRAN KNEBT'Mrs. Scab, you have twelve hours to beat the clock.Correct!I've done it. I've done it. Ha, ha, ha!That's right.How do you do. I'm a merchant banker.How do you do MrEr I forget my name for the moment but I am a merchant banker.Well I don't want to show my hand too early, but actually here at Slater Nazi we are quite keen to get into orphans, you know, developing market and all that what son of sum did you have in mind?Well er you're a rich man.Yes, I am. Yes. Yes, very very rich. Quite phenomenally wealthy. Yes, I do own the most startling quantifies of cash. Yes, quite right you're rather a smart young lad aren't you. We could do with somebody like you to feed the pantomime horse. Very smart.Thank you, sir.Now, you were saying. I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very rich.So er, how about a pound?A pound. Yes, I see. Now this loan would be secured by theIt's not a loan, sir.What?It's not a loan.Ah.It's a bit small for a share certificate isn't it? Look, I think I'd better run this over to our legal department. If you could possibly pop back on Friday.Well do you have to do that, couldn't you just give me the pound?Yes, but you see I don't know what it's for.It's for the orphans.Yes?It's a gift.A what?A gift?Oh a gift!Yes.A tax dodge.No, no, no, no.No? Well, I'm awfully sorry I don't understand. Can you just explain exactly what you want.Well, I want you to give me a pound, and then I go away and give it to the orphans.Yes?Well, that's it.No, no, no, I don't follow this at all, I mean, I don't want to seem stupid but it looks to me as though I'm a pound down on the whole deal.Well, yes you are.I am! Well, what is my incentive to give you the pound?Well the incentive is to make the orphans happy.Yes, lots of people give me money.What, just like that?Yes.Must be sick. I don't suppose you could give me a list of their names and addresses could you?No, I just go up to them in the street and ask.Oh, thank you, sir.The only trouble is, you gave me the idea before I'd given you the pound. And that's not good business.Isn't it?Now I've asked you to Now I've asked you Shut up!Now I've asked you in here to see me this morning because I'm afraid we're going to have to let one of you go.I'm very sorry but the present rationalization of this firm makes it inevitable that we hive one of you off.Now you may think that this is very harsh behavior but let me tell you that our management consultants actually queried the necessity for us to employ a pantomime horse at all.And so the decision has to be made which one of you is to go. Champion how many years have you been with this firm?Trigger?I see. Well, it's a difficult decision. But in accordance with our traditional principles of free enterprise and healthy competition I'm going to ask the two of you to fight to the death for it.No, I'm afraid there's no redundancy scheme.In the hard and unrelenting world of nature the ceaseless struggle for survival continues.This time one of the pantomime horses concedes defeat and so lives to fight another day.Here, in a colony of sea lions, we see a huge bull sea lion seeing off an intruding bull who is attempting to intrude on his harem. This pattern of aggressive behavior is typical of these documentaries.Here we see two limpets locked in a life or death struggle for territory. The huge bull limpet, enraged by the rock, endeavors to encircle its sprightly opponent.Here we see an ant. This ant is engaged in a life or death struggle with the wolf. You can see the ant creeping up on the wolf on all sixes.Now he stops to observe. Satisfied that the wolf has not heard him, he approaches nearer. With great skill he chooses his moment and then, quick as a limpet, with one mighty boundburies his fangs in the wolf's neck. The wolf struggles to no avail. A battle of this kind can take anything up to fifteen years because the timber ant has such a tiny mouth.Here we see Heinz Sielmann engaged in a life or death struggle with Peter Scott. They are engaged in a bitter punch up over repeat fees on the overseas sales of their nature documentaries.Now they have been joined by an enraged Jacques Cousteau. This is typical of the harsh and bitchy world of television features.Here we see a honey bear not engaged in a life or death struggle about anything. These honey bears are placid and peaceful creatures and consequently bad television.Here we see a pantomime horse. It is engaged in a life or death struggle for a job with a merchant bank. However, his rival employee, the huge bull pantomime horse, is lying in wait for him.Poor pantomime horse.Here we see a pantomime goose engaged in a life or death struggle with Terence Rattigan.The enraged goose fires.Poor Terence. Another victim of this silly film.Here we see an enraged pantomime Princess Margaret, she is lying in wait for her breakfast.The unsuspecting breakfast glides over closer to its doom. The enraged pantomime royal person is poised for the kill. She raises her harpoon and fires.Pang! Right in the toast. A brief struggle and all is over. Poor breakfast! Another victim of the. aargh!Sketch just starting, actor wanted.Good morning.Morning, sir.I'd like to join the army please.I see, sir. Short service or long service commission, sir?As long as possible please.Right well I'll just take a few particulars and thenThe Women's Royal Army Corps, sir?Yes. I was just thinking, you know, if it was possible for me to have my choice I'd prefer to be in the Women's Royal Amy Corps.Well, I'm afraid that the people that recruit here normally go straight into the Scots Guards.Which is all men I suppose?Yes it is.Yes. Are there any regiments which are more effeminate than others?Well, no sir. I mean, apart from the Marines, they're all dead butch.You see, what I really wanted was a regiment where I could be really quiet and have more time to myself m work with fabrics, and creating new concepts in interior design.Working with fabrics and experimenting with interior design!Yes.Oh well you want the Durham Light Infantry then, sir.Oh.Oh yes. That's the only regiment that's really doing something new with interior design, with color, texture, line and that.I see.Oh yes, I mean their use of color with fabrics is fantastic. I saw their pattern book the other day beautiful, beautiful. Savage tans, great slabs of black, set against aggressive orange. It really makes you want to shout out, this is good! This is real!Really?Oh yes. I mean the Inniskillin Fusiliers and the Anglian Regiment are all right if you're interested in the art nouveau William Morris revival bit, but if you really want a regiment of the line that is really saying something about interior decor, then you've got to go for the Durham Light Infantry.Oh, I've had enough of this. I'm handing in my notice.What do you mean?Well I 'mean, when I applied for this job I thought I'd get a few decent lines but you end up doing the whole thing. I mean my last five speeches have been 'really, really I see I see' and 'really'. I wouldn't give those lines to a dog.All right, all right, all right, sonny. I'll tell you what. We'll do something different. I'll be a bus conductor, and you can be a really funny passenger on a bus.Fivepenny please.Look!I am looking it's the only way I keep my eyelids apart! Boom boom! Every one a Maserati!Look! You said I was going to be a funny passenger.I mean, all I said was, fivepenny please, You can't call that a funny line.Well it's the way you said it.No it isn't. Nobody can say 'fivepenny please' and make it funny.Fivepenny please.Morning.Not so warm today, George.Good morning.Good morning.Voice Good morning.Come in, Mr. Horton.Morning, sir.Thank you, sir.'THE STORY OF HOLLAND'S MOST FAMOUS APERITIF''THE END'Hello.Hello, I'm another announcer, my name's Dick. Joe jums just rang me and said Jack was having a bad time with this announcement, so I've just come to give him a hand. How is he, Joe jums?Pretty bad, Dick.Jack it's Dick Do you want me to make the announcement?Good man. Now remember your announcer's training deep breaths, and try not to think about what you're sayingGood luck, Jack.Keep going, old boy.It's nine o'clock and time for the News read by Richard BakerYou've done it.Congratulations, old man!Fantastic darling, you were brilliant. No, no, it was the best you ever did.Thank God.It was absolutely super. have a drink. For God's sake drink thisFantastic.The least I could do super I must come over.I can't tell you how much that means. until the name Maudling is almost totally obscured. That is the ned of the micro not wens. And now it's time for the late night film.THE PANTOMIME HORSE IS A SECRET AGENT FILM. WRITTEN BY TALBOT ROTHWELL AND MIREILLE MATHIEU. BASED ON AN IDEA BY EDWARD VII. DIRECTED BY QUEEN JULIANA OF THE NETHERLANDS. PRODUCED BY SIR ALEC DOUGLAS HOME AND KING HAAKON OF NORWAY. A CORPSE HAKKON PRODUCTION'.Oh pantomime horse, that was wonderful. Would you like another glass?No, no, I mustn't. It makes me throw up oh, I'm so bleeding happy.Oh, Simone!Oh, pantomime horse.ThenTONY M. NYPHOT'S FLYING RISCCU SAW CODVENICE, TWITNER DNA FORDEPERM YB HAMRAG PACHMAN JOHN ECLES RICE LIED TORN JERSEY 5.5 MICHAEL LAPIN MARTY RIGELLI SOLA GAERAPPIN CAROL CLEVELAND ARCHSEER YB SUZAN DAVIES KAME PU MADELAINE GAFFNEY MUTESOCS HAZEL PETHIG MAINATIONS YB TERRY GILLIAM CUFFS LAVISEET BERNARD WILKIE PISHCARG BOB BLAGDEN MALE FANCIMARM ALAN FEATHERSTONE MOLE TRIFID RAY MILLICHOPE DOSUN RICHARD CHUBB LIGHTGIN JIMMY PURDIE REDENSIG IAN WATSON DECODURP YB IAN MACNAUGHTON B. B. LURCOO'ETH NED'Proust's novel ostensibly tells of the irrevocability of time lost, the forfeiture of innocence through experience, the reinstatement of extra temporal values of time regained, ultimately the novel is both optimistic and set within the context of a humane religious experience, re stating as it does the concept of intemporality. in the first volume, Swarm, the family friend visitsWell tried, Harry.Harry Bagot, you're from Luton?Yes, Arthur, yeah.Now Harry what made you first want to try and start summarizing ProustWell I first entered a seaside Summarizing Proust Competition when I was on holiday in Bournemouth, and my doctor encouraged me with it.And Harry, what are your hobbies outside summarizing?Well, strangling animals, golf and masturbating.Well, thank you Harry Bagot.walks off stage. Music and applause.Well there he goes. Harry Bagot. He must have let himself down a bit on the hobbies, golf's not very popular around here, but never mind, a good try.Er, well, Swann, Swann, there's this house, there's this house, and er, it's in the morning, it's in the morning no, it's the evening, in the evening and er, there's a garden and er, this bloke comes in bloke comes in what's his name what's his name, er just said it big bloke Swarm, SwarmAnd now ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to welcome the last of our all England finalists this evening, from Bingley, the Bolton Choral Society and their leader Superintendent McGough, a big choir comes on, immaculately drilled, each holding a score, with Fred Tomlinson as superintendent McGough All right Bingley, remember you've got fifteen seconds to summarize Proust in his entirety starting from now.Proust, in his first book wrote about fa la laProust in his first book wrote aboutHe wrote aboutProust in his first book wrote about the gong soundsWell ladies and gentlemen, I don't think any of our contestants this evening have succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Proust's masterwork, so I'm going to award the first prize this evening to the girl with the biggest tits.THE ALL ENGLAND SUMMARIZE PROUST COMPETITION A BBG PRODUCTION WITH MR I. T. BRIDDOCK, 2379, THE TERRACE, HODDESDON. IT WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BYMount Everest. Forbidding, aloof, terrifying. The mountain with the biggest tits in the world.Start again!Well, people keep taking your hairdryer on every turn.There's a lot of bitching in the tents.You couldn't get near the mirror.The leader of the expedition was Colonel Sir John Cheesy Weezy Butler, veteran K2, Annapurna, and Vidal. His plan was to ignore the usual route around the south and to make straight for the top.We established Base Salon here, and climbed quite steadily up to Mario's, here. From here, using crampons and cutting ice steps as we went, we moved steadily up the face to the north ridge, establishing Camp Three, where we could get a hot meal, a manicure, and a shampoo and set.Could it work? Could this 18 year old hairdresser from Brixton succeed where others had failed? The situation was complicated by the imminent arrival of the monsoon storms. Patrice takes up the story.Well, we knew as well as anyone that the monsoons were due. But the thing was, Ricky and I had just had a blow dry and rinse, and we couldn't go out for a couple of days.After a blazing row, the Germans and Italians had turned back, taking with them the last of the hairnets. On the third day, a blizzard blew up. Temperatures fell to minus 30 degrees centigrade. Inside the little tent, things were getting desperate.But a new factor had entered the race. A team of French chiropodists, working with brand new corn plasters and Dr. Scholl's Mountaineering Sandals, were close behind. The Glasgow Orpheus male voice choir were tackling the difficult north part. All together, fourteen expeditions were at the scene. This was it. Ricky had to make a decision.Well, he decided to open a salon.It was a tremendous success.Hello, is that the fire brigade?No, sorry, wrong number.That phone's not stopped ringing all day.What happens when you've mixed the batter, do you dice the ham with the coriander?No, no, you put them in separately when the vine leaves are ready.Oh, no, not again.Take it off the hook.I can't get the fire brigade Mervyn.Here, let me try, dear. You go and play the cello.Oh it doesn't do any good, dear.Look. Do you want the little hamster to live or not?Yes I do, Mervyn.Well go and play the cello!What?He's slipped away.What?The sodding hamster's dead!Some Mozart concertos, dear.What How did he ?His eyes just closed, and he fell into the wastepaper basket. I've covered him with a copy of the 'Charlie George Football Book'.There was nothing we could do, Mervyn. If we'd have had the whole Philharmonic Orchestra in there, he'd still have gone.I'm going upstairs, I can't bear it.No, he doesn't want anyone at the moment, thank you. No, yes, yes, no thank you for trying, yes, yes, no, Saxones, yes, yes thank you, bye, bye.Mummy,Well, things is pretty bad there at the moment but there does seem some hope of a constitutional settlement.Oh don't talk. Let me just look at you,Great to be home, mummy. How are you?Oh, I'm fine. I must just go upstairs and get your room ready.It's a bungalow, mummy.Oh dam, yes. Mervyn, Mervyn look who's here, it's our Eamonn come back to see us.Hello, Eamonn.Hello, Merv.How was Dublin?Well as I was telling mummy here, things is pretty bad there at the moment but there does seem some hope of a constitutional settlement.Oh no, Thursday's the Industrial Relations Bill Dinner Dance. Can't they make it another day?And so it was the fire brigade eventually came round on Friday night.Oh, so glad you could come. What would you like to drink? Gin and tonic? Sherry?Well, how was Dublin, Eamonn?Well, as I was telling mummy and Mervyn earlier, things is pretty bad there at the moment but there does seem some hope of a constitutionalTHE BRITISH BROADCASTING CORPORATION IN ASSOCIATION WITH TRANSWORLD INTERNATIONAL AND NIMROD PRODUCTIONS PRESENT AN ARTHUR E. RICEBACHER AND DAVID A. SELTZER PRODUCTION FOR HASBACH ENTERPRISES OF CHARLES D. ORTIZ' ADAPTATION OF THE PULITZER PRIZEWINNING IDEA BY DANIEL E. STOLLMEYER BROUGHT TO THE SCREEN FROM ROBERT HUGHES'S NOVEL BY LOUIS H. TANNHAUSER AND VERNON D. LARUE PARTY HINTS BY VERONICA SMALLS A SELZENBACH TANSROD PRODUCTION IN ASSOCIATION WITH VICTOR A. LOUNGE ROLO NICE SWEETIES FISON'S FERTILIZERS TIME LIFE INNIT FOR THE MONEY LIMITED THE TRUSTEES OF ST PAUL'S CATHEDRAL THAT NICE MR ROBINSON AT THE VET'S RALPH READER RALPH NADER THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT MICHAEL'S AUNTIE BETTY IN AUSTRALIA A CINEMASCOPE PRODUCTIONHello, last week on 'Party Hints' I showed you how to make a small plate of goulash go round twenty six people, how to get the best out of your canapés, and how to unblock your loo. This week I'm going to tell you what to do if there is an armed communist uprising near your home when you're having a party. Well obviously it'll depend how far you've got with your party when the signal for Red Revolt is raised. If you're just having preliminary aperitifs Dubonnet, a sherry or a sparkling white wine then the guests will obviously be in a fairly formal mood and it will be difficult to tell which are the communist agitators. So the thing to do is to get some cloth and some bits of old paper, put it down on the floor and shoot everybody. This will deal with the Red Menace on your own doorstep. If you're having canapés, as I showed you last week, or an outdoor barbecue, then the thing to do is set fire to all houses in the street. This will stir up anti communist hatred and your neighbors will be right with you as you organize counter revolutionary terror. So you see, if you act promptly . enough, any left wing uprising can be dealt with by the end of the party. ByeERIC Bleck people. Bleck people. Rrrhodesian. Kill the blecks. Rrhodesian. Smith, Smith. Kill the blecks within the five principles.I'm afraid I cannot comment on that until it's been officially hushed up.This is our politicians' booth.While there is no undue cause for concern, there is certainly no room for complacency. Ha, ha, ha. He, he, he.Well I'll go, I'll go to the foot of our stairs. Ee ecky thump. put wood in 'ole, muther.taps him. He removes his earphones.Ee ecky thump.Ee ecky thump!Excellent.It's a really quick method of learning.Can you smell gas or is it me?Very good.Superb.Well then what sort of thing were you looking for?Well, er, really something to make me a little less insignificant?Oh, I see sort of 'Now look here, you may be Chairman but your bloody pusillanimous behavior makes me vomit!' That sort of thing?Oh no, no, no, not really no.Oh no, I really want something that will make people be attracted to me like a magnet.I see, well, you want our 'Life and Soul of the Party' tape then, I think.What's that?Well it's sort of Ello squire, haven't seen you for a bit, haven't seen you for a bit either, Beryl. Two pints of wallop please, love. Still driving the Jensen then? Cheer up Jack it may never happen, what's your poison then?'Fantastic, yes.Right, I'll just see if we've got the tape.'SANDY WILSON'S VERSION OF THE DEVILS 'Boo boopee doo Boo boopee doo Scuby duby duby doo oo! Hello operator Is that the central line Give me the Piccadilly number Nine one o nine Mr. operator now that number's wrong So come on everybody Let's sing this song Proust in his first book wrote about etc .Start again.Good morningOh good morning, Do you want to come upstairs?What?Do you want to come upstairs? Or have you come to arrange a holiday?Er.to arrange a holidayOh sorryWhat's all this about going upstairs?Oh, nothing, nothing. Now where were you thinking of going?IndiaAh one of our adventure holidaysYesAh good morning. I'm Bounder of AdventureMy name is Smoke too muchWell you'd better cut down a little thenWhat?You'd better cut down a little thenOh I see! Cut down a little then..YesI expect you get people making jokes about your name all the time?Anyway you're interested in one of our adventure holidays?Yes I saw your advert in the bolour supplementThe what?The bolour supplementThe color supplement?Yes I'm sorry I can't say the letter 'B'C?Yes that's right. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a schoolboy. I was attacked by a batA cat?No a batCan you say the letter 'K'Oh yes, Khaki, king, kettle, Kuwait, Keble Bollege OxfordWhy don't you say the letter 'K' instead of the letter 'C'what you mean..spell bolour with a KYesKolour. Oh that's very good, I never thought of that what a silly buntAnyway about the holidayWell I saw your adverts in the paper and I've been on package tours several times you see, and I decided that this was for meAh goodYes I quite agree I mean what's the point of being treated like sheep. What's the point of going abroad if you're just another tourist carted around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oafs from Kettering and Coventry in their cloth caps and their cardigans and their transistor radios and their Sunday Mirrors, complaining about the tea Oh they don't make it properly here, do they, not like at home and stopping at Majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips and Watney's Red Barrel and calamari's and two veg and sitting in their cotton frocks squirting Timothy White's sun cream all over their puffy raw swollen purulent flesh 'cos they overdid it on the first day.And being herded into endless Hotel Miramars and Bellvueses and Continentales with their modern international luxury roomettes and draught Red Barrel and swimming pools full of fat German businessmen pretending they're acrobats forming pyramids and frightening the children and barging into queues and if you're not at your table spot on seven you miss the bowl of Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup, the first item on the menu of International Cuisine, and every Thursday night the hotel has a bloody cabaret in the bar, featuring a tiny emaciated dago with nine inch hips and some bloated fat tart with her hair brylcreemed down and a big arse presenting Flamenco for Foreigners.And then some adenoidal typists from Birmingham with flabby white legs and diarrhea trying to pick up hairy bandy legged wop waiters called Manuel and once a week there's an excursion to the local Roman Remains to buy cherryade and melted ice cream and bleeding Watney's Red Barrel and one evening you visit the so called typical restaurant with local color and atmosphere and you sit next to a party from Rhyl who keep singing Torremolinos, torremolinos and complaining about the food It's so greasy isn't it? and you get cornered by some drunken greengrocer from Luton with an Instamatic camera and Dr. Scholl sandals and last Tuesday's Daily Express and he drones on and on about how Mr. Smith should be running this country and how many languages Enoch Powell can speak and then he throws up over the Cuba Libres.Will you be quiet pleaseAnd sending tinted postcards of places they don't realize they haven't even visited to All at number 22, weather wonderful, our room is marked with an 'X'.Shut upFood very greasy but we've found a charming little local place hidden away in the back streetsShut up!where they serve Watney's Red Barrel and cheese and onion.Shut up your bloody gob.crisps and the accordionist plays 'Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner'. And spending four days on the tarmac at Luton airport on a five day package tour with nothing to eat but dried BEA type sandwiches and you can't even get a drink of Watney's Red Barrel because you're still in England and the bloody bar closes every time you're thirsty and there's nowhere to sleep and the kids are crying and vomiting and breaking the plastic ash trays and they keep telling you it'll only be another hour although your plane is still in Iceland and has to take some Swedes to Yugoslavia before it can load you up at 3 a.m. in the bloody morning and you sit on the tarmac till six because of unforeseen difficulties, i.e. the permanent strike of Air Traffic Control in Paris and nobody can go to the lavatory until you take off at 8, and when you get to Malaga airport everybody's swallowing enterovioform and queuing for the toilets and queuing for the armed customs officers, and queuing for the bloody bus that isn't there to take you to the hotel that hasn't yet been finished. And when you finally get to the half built Algerian ruin called the Hotel del Sol by paying half your holiday money to a licensed bandit in a taxi you find there's no water in the pool, there's no water in the taps, there's no water in the bog and there's only a bleeding lizard in the bidet. And half the rooms are double booked and you can't sleep anyway because of the permanent twenty four hour drilling of the foundations of the hotel next door and you're plagued by appalling apprentice chemists from Ealing pretending to be hippies, and middle class stockbrokers' wives busily buying identical holiday villas in suburban development plots just like Esher, in case the Labour government gets in again, and fat American matrons with sloppy buttocks and Hawaiian patterned ski pants looking for any mulatto male who can keep it up long enough when they finally let it all flop out. And the Spanish Tourist Board promises you that the raging cholera epidemic is merely a case of mild Spanish tummy, like the previous outbreak of Spanish tummy in 1660 which killed half London and decimated Europe and meanwhile the bloody Guardia are busy arresting sixteen year olds for kissing in the streets and shooting anyone under nineteen who doesn't like Franco. And then on the last day in the airport lounge everyone's comparing sunburns, drinking Nasty Spumante, buying cartons of duty free cigarillos and using up their last pesetas on horrid dolls in Spanish National costume and awful straw donkeys and bullfight posters with your name on Ordoney, El Cordobes and Brian Pules of Norwich and 3 D pictures of the Pope and Kennedy and Franco, and everybody's talking about coming again next year and you swear you never will although there you are tumbling bleary eyed out of a tourist tight antique Iberian airplaneGood evening. Tonight dinosaurs. I have here, sitting in the studio next to me, an elk. Ahhhh!!! Oh, I'm sorry! Anne Elk Mrs. Anne ElkMiss!Miss Anne Elk, who is an expert on diN' n' n' n' no! Anne Elk!What?Anne Elk, not Anne Expert!No! No, I was saying that you, Miss Anne Elk, were an , A N not A N N E, expertOh!on elks I'm sorry, on dinosaurs. I'm Yes, I certainly am, Chris. How very true. My word yes.Now, Miss Elk Anne you have a new theory about the brontosaurus.Can I just say here, Chris for one moment, that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus?Uh Exactly What is it?Where?No! No, what is your theory?What is my theory?Yes!What is my theory that it is? Yes. Well, you may well ask what is my theory.I am asking.And well you may. Yes, my word, you may well ask what it is, this theory of mine. Well, this theory, that I have, that is to say, which is mine, is mine.I know it's yours! What is it? Where? Oh! Oh! What is my theory?Yes!The Theory, by A. Elk that's A for Anne, it's not by a elk.RightAll brontosauruses are thin at one end; much, much thicker in the middle and then thin again at the far end. That is the theory that I have and which is mine and what it is, too.That's it, is it?Right, Chris!Well, Anne, this theory of yours seems to have hit the nail right on the head. and it's mine.Thank you for coming along to the studio.My pleasure, Chris.Britain's newest wasp farmIt's been a lot of funopened last weeksaying what my theory is Yes, thank you.and whose it is.Yes. opened last weekI have another theory.Not today, thank you.Look! Shut up!is what I am about to say.Please shut up!which, with what I have said, are the two theories that are mine and which belong to me.If you don't shut up, I shall have to shoot you!Oh Desdemona, Desdemona.No! ..Do they prefer Leibnitz to Wittgenstein?No! No!And where do they stand on young people?Hello!Are you the' brain specialist?Hello!Are you the brain specialist?No, no, I am not the brain specialist. No, no, I am not Yes. Yes I am.My brain hurts!Well let's take a look at it, Mr. Gumby.It will have to come out.Out? Of my head?Yes doctorWhere's the 'Lancet'?Where's the bloody 'Lancet'? My brain hurts too.Let's operate.Hello!Ooh! We forgot the anesthetic!The anesthetic! The anesthetic!I've come to anesthetize you!!The 'Nine O'clock News' which was to follow has been cancelled tonight so we can bring you the quarter final of the All Essex Badminton Championship. Your commentator as usual is Edna O'Brien.George.Yes, Gladys.There's a man at the door with a moustache.He says do we want a documentary on mollusks.Mollusks!Yes.What's he mean, mollusks?MOLLUSKS!! GASTROPODS! LAMELLIBRANCHS! CEPHALOPODS!It's free.Ooh! Where does he want us to sit?Not very interesting is it?What?I was talking to him.Dreadful isn't it?What?I was talking to him.Switch him off.Switching you off.Why, don't you like it?Oh it's dreadful.Embarrassing.Is it?Yes, it's perfectly awful.Disgraceful! I don't know how they've got the nerve to put it on.It's so boring.Well it's not much of a subject is it be fair.What do you think, George?Give him another twenty seconds.Anyway the majority of the mollusks are included in three large groups, the gastropods, the lamellibranchs and the cephalopodsHowever, what is more interesting, er is the mollusk's er sex life.Yes, the mollusk is a randy little fellow whose primitive brain scarcely strays from the subject of the you know what.Ought not to be allowed.The randiest of the gastropods is the limpet. This hot blooded little beast with its tent like shell is always on the job. Its extra marital activities are something startling. Frankly I don't know how the female limpet finds the time to adhere to the rock face. How am I doing?Disgusting.But more interesting.Oh yes, tch, tch, tch.Another loose living gastropod is the periwinkle. This shameless little libertine with its characteristic ventral locomotion is not the marrying kind Anywhere anytime is its motto. Up with the shell and they're at it.How about the lamellibranchs?Have you got one?Let's kill it. Disgusting.That'll teach it. Well thank you for a very interesting program.Oh, not at all. Thank you.Yes, that was very nice.Oh, thank you.'TODAY IN PARLIAMENT HAS NOW BECOME THE CLASSIC SERIAL'He in turn has been revealed by D'Arcy as something less than an honest man. Sybil feels once again a resurgence of her old affection and she and Balreau return to her little house in Clermont Ferrand, the kind of two up, two down house that most French workers throughout the European Community are living in today.'THE CLASSIC SERIAL HAS NOW BECOME THE TUESDAY DOCUMENTARY''THE TUESDAY DOCUMENTARY HAS BECOME CHILDREN'S STORY ''THE CHILDREN'S STORY HAS GONE BACK INTO THE TUESDAY DOCUMENTARY''NO IT HASN'T'But you know it's always very easy to blame the big bad rabbit'NOW IT'S BECOME A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST!''NO, SORRY, ''RELIGION TODAY 'Because you know, that's where we really ought to start looking.'MATCH OF THE DAY''POLITICIANS AN APOLOGY'and CAPTION 'WE WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE WAY IN WHICH POLITICIANS ARE REPRESENTED IN THIS program. IT WAS NEVER OUR INTENTION TO IMPLY THAT POLITICIANS ARE WEAK KNEED, POLITICAL TIME SERVERS WHO ARE CONCERNED MORE WITH THEIR PERSONAL VENDETTAS AND PRIVATE POWER STRUGGLES THAN THE PROBLEMS OF GOVERNMENT, NOR TO SUGGEST AT ANY POINT THAT THEY SACRIFICE THEIR CREDIBILITY BY DENYING FREE DEBATE ON VITAL MATTERS IN THE MISTAKEN IMPRESSION THAT PARTY UNITY COMES BEFORE THE WELL BEING OF THE PEOPLE THEY SUPPOSEDLY REPRESENT NOR TO IMPLY AT ANY STAGE THAT THEY ARE SQUABBLING LITTLE TOADIES WITHOUT AN OUNCE OF CONCERN FOR THE VITAL SOCIAL PROBLEMS OF TODAY. NOR INDEED DO WE INTEND THAT VIEWERS SHOULD CONSIDER THEM AS CRABBY ULCEROUS LITTLE SELF SEEKING VERMIN WITH FURRY LEGS AND AN EXCESSIVE ADDICTION TO ALCOHOL AND CERTAIN EXPLICIT SEXUAL PRACTICES WHICH SOME PEOPLE MIGHT FIND OFFENSIVE. WE ARE SORRY IF THIS IMPRESSION HAS COME ACROSS.Well this is a completely uncharted lake with like hitherto unclassified marine life man, so the whole scene's wide open for a scientific exploration.Pieces of eight.You've kept this all rather hush hush so far shipmate.Yeah, it's been really heavy man with all these freaks from the fascist press trying to blow the whole scene.I'm sorry about my colleague's rather unconventional behavior.You dig it, man?Hello. I'm sorry about my colleague's rather unconventional behavior just now, but things haven't been tog easy for him recently, trouble at home, rather confidential so I can't give you all the details interesting though they are three bottles of rum with his weetabix, and so on, anyway apparently the girl wasn't even anyway the activity you see behind me it's the mother I feel sorry for. I'll start again. The activity you see behind me is part of the preparations for the new Naval Expedition to Lake Pahoe. The man in charge of this expedition is Vice Admiral Sir John Cunningham. Sir John, hello there.And where exactly is the lake?Er 22A, Runcorn Avenue, I think. Yes, that's right, 22A.Runcorn Avenue?Yes, it's just by Blenheim Crescent do you know it?You mean it's in an ordinary street?Of course it's not an ordinary street! It's got a lake in it!Yes but ILook, how many streets do you know that have got lakes in them?But you mean is it very large?I'm now standing in Runcorn Avenue. Sir John where exactly is the lake?Er, well let's see, that's 18 that's 20 so this must be the one.Er, excuse meYes, that's the one all right.But it's an ordinary house.Look, I'm getting pretty irritated with this line of questioning.But it doesn't even look like a lakeLook, your whole approach since this interview started has been to mock the Navy. When I think that it was for the likes of you that I had both my legs blown offGood morning I'm looking for a Lake Pahoe.There's a Mr. Padgett.No, no a lake.There's no lake here, mate. This is Runcorn Avenue. What's the camera doing?He's looking for a lake.Lake Pahoe.Oh, you want downstairs, 22A the basement.Ah! Thank you very much. Good morning. Come on men, downstairs.Were you successful, Sir John?It's in the basement.In the basement?Pieces of eight.Hello.Ooooh. I think' it's someone about the damp.Hello.Tell 'em about the bleeding rats, too.Good morning, is this Lake Pahoe?Well, I don't know about that, but it's bleeding damp. Are you from the council?No. We are the official British Naval Expedition to this lake. May we come in?Hang on.Bloody sharks.Get in.Well um that would appear to be the end of the expedition.The Magna Cana was it a document signed at Runnymede in 1215 by King John pledging independence to the English barons, or was it a piece of chewing gum on a bedspread in Dorset? The latter idea is the brainchild of a man new to the field of historical research. Mr. Badger, why why are you on this program?But why Dorset?Well, I have for a long time been suffering from a species of brain injury which I incurred during the rigors of childbirth, and I'd like to conclude by putting my finger up my nose.Mr. Badger, I think you're the silliest person we've ever had on this program, and so I'm going to ask you to have dinner with me.'LATER THE SAME SKETCH'My wife Maureen ran off with a bottle of Bell's whisky during the Aberdeen versus Raith Rovers match which ended in a goalless draw. Robson particularly, in goal, had a magnificent first half, his fine positional sense preventing the build up of any severe pressure on the suspect Aberdeen defense. McLoughlan missed an easy chance to clinch the game towards the final whistle but Raith must be well satisfied with their point.Do please go on. This is the least fascinating conversation I've ever had.Would you like to order sir?Yes, Mr. Badger, what .would you like to start with?Er, I'll have a whisky to start with.For first course, sir?Aye.And for main course, sir?I'll have a whisky for main course and I'll follow that with a whisky for pudding.Yes sir, and what would you like with it, sir? A whisky?No, a bottle of wine.Fine, sir, he said between clenched teeth knowing full well it was a most unrewarding part.This is the silliest sketch I've ever been in.Shall we stop it?'THE END'The Adventures of Biggles. Part one Biggles dictates a letter.Miss Bladder, take a letter.Yes, Senõr Biggles.Don't call me senõr! I'm not a Spanish person. You must call me Mr. Biggles, or Group Captain Biggles or Mary Biggles if I'm dressed as my wife, but never senor.Sorry.I've never even been to Spain.You went to Ibiza last year.That's still not grounds for calling me senor, or Don Beeg les for that matter. Right, Dear King HaakonOf Norway, is that?Just put down what I say.Do I put that down?Of course you don't put that down.Well what about that?Dear King Haakon, I am not dictating what?No, no, no, you loopy brothel inmate.Oh, oh, 'courtesan', oh aren't we grand. Harlot's not good enough for us eh? Paramour, concubine, fille de joie. That's what we are not. Well listen to me my fine fellow, you are a bit of tail, that's what you are.I am not, you demented fictional character.Algy says you are. He says you're no better than you should be.And how would he know?And just what do you mean by that? Are you calling my old fictional comrade in arms a fairy?Are you gay?I should bally well say so, old fruit.What?Rhyming slang ginger beer.Oh.Hello, sweetie.I have to see you.Yes, Biggles?Are you a poofHello.Lemon curry?Silence, naughty lady of the night!Next week pan two 'Biggles Flies Undone'.Bert. How's it going?Bert, some people say this is crazy.Aye, well but they said Crippen was crazy didn't they?Crippen was crazy.Lemon curry?Now you see he's putting a peg down there because I'm quite a way up now, and if I come unstuck here I go down quite a long way.Up on deck?Yes on deck. It's diabolical weather.What deck, dear?The deck, The deck of the lifeboat.This isn't a lifeboat, dear. This is 24, Parker Street.This is the Newhaven Lifeboat.No it's not, dear.You're right. This isn't a lifeboat at all.No, I wouldn't live here if it was,Do you mind if I sit down for a minute and collect my wits?No, you do that, I'll make you a nice cup of tea.Thanks very much.Oooh, it's a wild night up top.Your turn on deck soon, Charlie.It's not a lifeboat, Frank.What?What do you mean?It's not a lifeboat. It's this lady's house.Captain! Captain! Ahoy there! Ahoy there! Captain!!Who's that shouting?JOHN It's a man outside Number 24.Try it on the five inch, Gladys.All fight, hold 13 on the five inch and transfer the Cartwrights to the digital scanner.Hold on, Mrs. Pettigrew's coming back from the doctor's.All right, bring her up on two. What's the duration reading on the oscillator?48.47.Well that's a long time for someone who's just had a routine checkup.Zoom in on the 16mm and hold her, Enid.Roger, Gladys.Yes, it's one of those new self righting models. Newhaven was about the first place in the country to get one.What's the displacement on one of them jobs then?Oh it's about I40 150 per square inch.Who's for fruit cake?Oh yes, please, please.Yes, right, macaroons, that's two dozen fruit cakes, half a dozen macaroons. Right ho. Won't be a jiffy then.Yoohoo! Mrs. Edwards!Hello.Hello, two dozen fruit cakes and half a dozen macaroons.Sorry love, no macaroons. How about a nice vanilla sponge.Yes, that'll be lovely.Hallooooo!Kup Kakes to starboard.Coming.I'll pay you at the end of the week, all right?OK, right ho.Here; it's the Ark Royal, Doris. Have you got their rock buns ready?Hang on!Here we are, five for them and five for HMS Eagle.HMS Defiant? Two set teas please.Two set teas, Doris. Forty eight pence. There we are, thank you.By the way, do you do lunches?No, morning coffee and teas only.'STORAGE JARS'The Show So Far.Lemon Curry?Good Morning.Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!Ah, thank you, my good man.What can I do for you, Sir?Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.Peckish, sir?Esuriant.Eh?'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry loike!Ah, hungry!In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, a little fermented curd will do the trick, so, I curtailed my Walpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!Come again?I want to buy some cheese.Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!Oh, heaven forbid I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!Sorry?'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!So he can go on playing, can he?Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.I'm, afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?Sorry, sir.Red Windsor?Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.Ah. Stilton?Sorry.Ementhal? Gruyere?No.Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.No.Lipta?No.Lancashire?No.White Stilton?No.Danish Brew?No.Double Goucester?Cheshire?No.Dorset Bluveny?No.Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?No.Camenbert, perhaps?Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.Yessir. It's..ah,..it's a bit runnyOh, I like it runny.Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!Ithink it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.What now?The cat's eaten it.She, sir.Gouda?No.Edam?No.Case Ness?No.Smoked Austrian?No.Japanese Sage Darby?No, sir.Youdo *have* some cheese, don't you?No no don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.Fair enough.Uuuuuh, Wenslydale.Yes?Ah, well, I'll have some of that!Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wenslydale, that's my name.Greek Feta?Uh, not as such.Uuh, Gorgonzola?noParmesan,noMozzarella,noPaper Cramer,noDanish Bimbo,noCzech sheep's milk,noVenezuelan Beaver Cheese?Not *today*, sir, no.Aah, how about Cheddar?Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.Not much ca It's the single most popular cheese in the world!Not 'round here, sir.and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?'Illchester, sir.IS it.Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.Is it.It's our number one best seller, sir!I see. Uuh'Illchester, eh?Right, sir.All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.I'll have a look, sir nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?Finest in the district!Well, it's so clean, sir!It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.Would it be worth it?Could be.Have you SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!Told you sir.No.Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell meYessir?Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.Yessir.Really?No. Not really, sir.You haven't.No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.Right o, sir.What a *senseless* waste of human life.'SALAD DAYS 1971 DIRECTOR SAM PECKINPAH'Hello everybody.Hello Lionel.I say what a simply super day.Gosh yes.It's so, you know, sunny.Yes isn't it? I say anyone for tennis?Oh super!What fun.I say, Lionel, catch.Oh gosh.Oh crikey.'INTERLUDE'THURSDAY, 4TH MAY, 1972THE CYCLING TOURAugust 18th. Fell off near Bovey Tracey. The pump caught in my trouser leg, and my sandwiches were badly crushed.The pump caught in my trouser leg, and my sandwiches were badly crushed.35p. He goes back to working the machine.These sandwiches, however, were an excellent substitute.Give us ten woods, Barney.Hello!It's funny how one can go through life, as I have, disliking bananas and being indifferent to cheese, and then be able to eat, and enjoy, a banana and cheese sandwich like that.35p please. A juke box starts up in the backgroundAh! I have only a 50. Do you have change?I'm most awfully sorry.15p.August 23rd. Fell off near Budleigh Salterton.and the pump caught in my trouser leg.Aug. 26th. Fell off near Ottery St. Mary. The pump caught in my trouser leg. Decide to wear short trousers from now on.Fell off near Tiverton. Perhaps a shorter pump is the answer.Excuse me, madam, can you tell me of a good bicycle shop in this village, where I could find either some means of adapting my present pump, or, failing that, purchase a replacement?There's only one shop here.SHORT PUMPS AVAILABLE HEREWE SHORTEN PUMPS WHILE U WAITWhat a stroke of luck. Now perhaps cycling will become less precarious.Yes?sticking her head around the door There's a Mr. Pither to see you, Doctor. His bicycle pump got caught in his sock.Alright, nurse, send him in.Morning.A very good morning to you too, DoctorI gather you had an accident?Yes, my pump gotcaught in your sock.Yes, and my fruit cake was damaged on one side.WellIt's got grit all over it.Oh heavens no.Well where were you hurt?Well what is the trouble?Could you tell me the way to Iddesley?I'm a doctor, you know.Oh yes. Under normal circumstances I would have asked a policeman or a minister of the Church, but finding no one available, I thought it better to consult a man with some qualifications, rather than rely on the possibly confused testimony of a passer by.Thank you.Sept 2nd. Did not fall off outside Iddesley.Fell off in Tavistock.My leg got caught in my trousers and that's how the bottle broke.Tell her today, you could ring her.I can't. I can't.I said you'd never guess.16 years we've been together. I can't just ring her up.If you can't do it now, you never will.Do you like Tizer?Do you want me or not? It's your decision, James.I suppose it is still available in this area?Do you want me or not, James?What?Tizer.Yes or no.Is it still available in this area?In that case it's goodbye for ever, James.No! I mean yes!Oh it is?You never *could* make up your mind.I can. I have.No wait, Lucille!And does your lovely daughter like Tizer?Lucille!I wouldn't mind buying *her* a bottle of Tizer. if it's available in this area, that is.Well that's extremely thoughtful of you, but I saw it on the way in.You stupid, interfering little rat.Oh! The very words of the garage mechanic in Bude!I had just fallen offand my cheese tartlet had become embedded in theDamn your cheese tartlet! And damn you, sir!dynamo hub which was not at that time functioningJust had a chat with your dad.Yesmy rubber instep caught on the rear mud guard stanchion andReally? And what happened to your corned beef rolls?They were squashed out of all recog here just a minute. How did you know about the corned beef rolls?I saw them or what remained of them on the road. I noticed also that the lemon curd tart had sustained some superficial damage.The curd had becomeDetached from the pastry base.Otherwise the contents of the sandwich box were relatively unharmed, though I detected small particles of bitumen in the chocolate cup cakes.But they were wrapped in foil!Not the hard chocolate top, I'm afraid.Oh dear, that's the bit I liked.The ginger biscuit, the crisps and the sausage roll were unharmed.How do you know so much about cycling?I'm making a special study of accidents involving food.Really?Do you know that in our laboratories we have produced a cheese sandwich that can withstand an impact of 4,000 lbs per square inch?Good heavens!Amazing, isn't it? We have also developed a tomato which ejects itself when an accident is imminent.Even if it's inside am egg and tomato roll?Anywhere! Even if it's in your stomach, and it senses an accident it will come up your throat and out of the window. Do you realize what this means?Safer food?Er.Yes, of course it has! But there are other things that haven't!. the safety straps for sardines for instance.That tomato just ejected itself.Really?Yes.What a strange turn this cycling tour has taken. Mr. Gulliver appears to have lost his memory and far from being interested in safer food is now convinced that he is Clodagh Rogers the young girl singer. I am taking him for medical attention.Good afternoon is this the Casualty Department?Yes, that's right.What can I do for you?Well, I am at present on a cycling tour of the North Cornwall area taking in Bude andCould I have your name please?My name is Pither.Hm?No P I T H E R as in Brotherhood, but with PI instead of the BRO and no HOOD.I seeI had already visited TauntonSh!and was cycling north inWhere were you injured?Just where the A397 Ilfracombe road meets theNo on your bodyAh no it's not I who was injured, it's my friend.Tut Name?Pither.Clodagh RogersClodagh Rogers!Wellsince about 430.well I think you ought to tell Doctor Wu Doctor!What? Damn!Aaaaaagh!Now, what's the trouble?I am on a cycling tour ofYes, I have friend who, as a result of his injuries, has become Clodagh Rogers.Don't be silly, man; people don't just become Clodagh Rogers.Aaaaagh!Sept 4th. Well I never. We are now in the Alpes Maritimes region of Southern France. Clodagh seems more intent on reaching Moscow than on rehearsing her new BBC1 series with Buddy Rich and the Younger Generation.Hallo!We cannot stay here. We must leave immediately. There is a ship at Marseilles.I did enjoy your song for Europe, Clodagh.I have seen an agent in the town. My life is in danger.Danger, Clodagh?Stalin has always hated me.No one hates you, Clodagh.I will not let myself fall into the hands of these scum.I suggest you have a little lie down, my dear. There is a busy day of concerts and promotional visits tomorrow.I. One of the founders of the greatest nation on earth. I! Who Lenin called his greatest friend.Taissez vous. Taissez vous.Oh dear.I! who have fought and suffered that our people should live.Taissez vous. Qu'est ce que le bruit? C'est impossible.Er my name is Pither.Oh you are English?Er yes. I'm on a cycling tour of North Cornwall, taking in Bude.I will not be defeated. I will return to my land and continue the fight against this new tyranny.This is Clodagh Rogers, the Irish born girl singer.They will never silence me. They will nevQuoi?C'est Trotsky le revolutionaire.Trotsky!Trotsky ne chante pas.Un peu.Mais pas professionalement. Tu penses de Lenin.Lenin!! Quel chanteur 'If I ruled the world'.Formidable.After several days I succeeded in tracking down my friend Mr. Gulliver to the outskirts of Smolensk.Smolensk. 200 miles west of Minsk. 200 north of Kursk. 1500 miles west of Omsk.Thank you.Anyway, as we were so far from home, and as Mr. Gulliver, still believing himself to be Trotsky, was very tired from haranguing the masses all the way from Monte Carlo,Monte Carlo. 100 miles south of Turin. 100 west of Pisa. 500 miles east of Bilbao.Thank you. I decided to checkI decided to checkNo, you go on.I decided to check him into a hotel while I visited the British Embassy to ask for help in returning to Cornwall.And so we registered at the Smolensk Young Men's Anti Christian Association.Y.M.C.A. Corner of Anti Semitic street and Pogrom square.Yes, sir. Bugged or unbugged?One bugged with bath.Trotsky! My lack of God, it's Trotsky!Excuse me. Is this the British Consulate?Yes yes si si That is correctment. Yes Piccadilly Circus, mini skirt Joe Lyons.I wish to see the Consul, please.That's right. Speakee speakee me Blitish consul.No. He died. He have heart attack and fell out of window onto exploding bomb, and was run over in shooting accident. Nasty business. I his susscussor how you say succsussor.Successor.Successor yes I his successor, Mr. Atkinson.Oh, I see.You like have drinkee? Game bingo?Well. a *drink* would be extremely pleasant.Mr. Robinson. Go and get Saki.How is Tunbridge Wells? How I long to see once again walls of Shakespeare style theatre in Stratford on Avon.I'm a West Country man myself, Mr. Atkinson.Ho yes! Arizona Texas Kit Carson Super Scout.No West of England Cornwall.Cornwall.Coronworl oh yes know Coronworl very well. Go to school there, Mother and Father live there, ah yes, have lots of friends there. Go for weekend parties and polo playing cards and bridge in evening. Oh yes belong to many clubs in Coronworld.Ah, Mr. Rutherford, saki and bakewells tart.Well, old chap. Buttocks up!Now then Mr erPither.Pither ah yes fine old English name. My father he Pither, and mother she Pither all flends Pither Now we Blitish here in Smolensk velly intellested in playing clicket.Cricket?No you not speak English velly wells. We like play *clicket* not clicket clicketclicketty clickhousey houseyBingo.Oh BingoYes. Bingo.Bingo.Bingo! Bingo!Bingo Bingo Bingo! etcBingo! Bingo! Bingo!Contloll. Contloll selves!Mr. Richardson! Contloll self!Well it's not quite my lineYou put in good word, me and flends join really smart Bingo club in CoronwoldWellWe all velly quietsit at backonly shout Housey! Housey!Housey! Housey!Housey housey! Housey housey!Housey housey! Housey housey!Ni akawati nihi, keo t'sin feh t'sung, nihi *watai* bingo cards!Nihi *watai* bingo cards?Nihi *watai*!Ah so he bows and falls back obediently.Now then, Pither Mr, which do you think better, Hackney Star Bingo or St. Albans Top Rank Suite?Well, Mr. Atkinson, I was hoping that you could help me and my friend to get back to England asI'm actually cycling toControll selves!Shut faces!Bingo Top Rank ahhhh!Well I think I'll be offShut face. Please Mr. Bingo don't bingo yet I mean bingo BINGO!Bingo etc. etc.Bingo!Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!Is Mr. Trotsky in his room please?No. He has gone to Moscow.Moscow. 1500 miles due East ofShut up!Moscow!Come with us please.Who're you?Well we're not secret police anyway.That's for sure.If anything we are ordinary Soviet systems with no particular interest in politics.None at all. Come with us.Where are you taking me?What do we tell him?Don't tell him any secrets.Agreed.Tell him anything except that we are taking him to Moscow to be present as an Honored Guest when Trotsky is reunited with the Central Committee.We're taking you to a Clam Bake.Oh a Clam Bake. I've never been to one of them.Right, let's go.Who's giving the orders round here?I am. I'm senior to you.No, you're not. You're a greengrocer, I'm an insurance salesman.Greengrocers are senior to insurance salesman.No they're not!Cool it. I'm an ice cream salesman and I am senior to both of you.You're an ice cream salesman? I thought you were a veterinarian.I got promoted. Let's go.Taxi!Yes.Drive us to Moscow.I have no cab.Why not?THIS IS THE MAN WHO BROUGHT OUR BELOVED TROTSKY BACK TO US'Belutanks dretsky mihai ovna isky Mr. Reg Pither.'FIRST MAY I PRESENT MR PITHER FROM THE WEST OF ENGLAND'Shi musks di seensand dravenka oblomov Engleska Solzhenitzhin.'FORGIVE ME IF I CONTINUE IN ENGLISH IN ORDER TO SAVE TIME'And now, Comrades, the greatest moment of a great day, the moment when I ask you to welcome the return of one of Russia's greatest heroes, creator of the Red Army, Lenin's greatest friend, Lev Davidovich Trotsky!Shall I seize him too?No, I think we'll have to keep him, he's going down well.He's more fun than he used to be.He's loosened up a lot. This is an old Lenin number.Cigarettes?Oh, no thank you I don't smoke.Blindfold?He moved.Come on, dear, wake up, dear.Mother!Come on, dear.So, it was all a dream.No dear, this is the dream, you're still in the cell.OK, we're going to have another try. I think we've got it now. My boys. have been looking down the wrong bit, you see.Oh no, look, you've got to look down the bit there.I thought you had to look down that bit.No, no, you've got to look down that bit, or you won't hit anything.Osledi. Osledi.Eartha Kitt!Mr. Pither!Here!Gulliver.Pither! What a stroke of luck.Well yes and no.'SCENE MISSING'Phew, what an amazing escape. Well goodbye, Reginald.Goodbye, Mr. Pither, and good luck with, the tour!Hey, I think he's finally gone!Ooh yes!Ready, Maurice?Right ho, Kevin. Let's go.All right, maestro, hit it!This is Captain MacPherson welcoming you aboard East Scottish Airways. You'll have had your tea. Our destination is Glasgow. There is no need to panic.There's bomb on board this plane, and I'll tell you where it is for a thousand pounds.I don't believe you.If you don't tell me where the bomb is if I don't give you the money Unless you give me the bombThe money.The money, thank you, pretty lady the bomb will explode killing everybody.Including you.I'll tell you where it is for a pound.Here's a pound.I don't want Scottish money. They've got the numbers. It can be traced.One English pound. Now where's the bomb?I can't remember.You've forgotten.Now where's the bomb?It's in the luggage compartment.Right. Here's your pound..This character giving you any trouble?He's ruined this sketch.Absolutely.Let's go on to the next one.'Wait a tic, wait a tic. No. I won't ruin your sketch for a pound.No, no.75P.Well I see my role in it as, er, how can I put it best the nude man as sort of symbolizing the two separate strands of existence, the essential nudity of manIt's an interesting question. Personally I rather adhere to the Bergsonian idea of laughter as a social sanction against inflexible behavior but excuse me a moment And nowIt'sThis new housing development in Bristol is one of the most interesting in the country. It's using a variety of new techniques shock proof curtain walling, a central high voltage, self generated electricity source, and extruded acrylic fiberglass fitments. It's also the first major housing project in Britain to be built entirely by characters from nineteenth century English literature.Because sir, it is self generating. Because we have harnessed here in this box the very forces of life itself. The very forces that will send Helen running back to beg forgiveness!The on site building techniques involve the construction of twelve foot walling blocks by a crowd of farmhands from 'Tess of the D'Urbervilles' supervised by the genial landlady, Mrs. Jupp, from Samuel Butler's 'Way of All Flesh'.In contrast to the site in Bristol, it's progress here on Britain's first eighteen level motorway interchange being built by characters from Milton's 'Paradise Lost'Well, no one really got on. Satan didn't get on with Eve er Archangel Gabriel didn't get on with Satan nobody got on with the Serpent, so now they have to work a rota forces of good from ten till three, forces of evil three to six.But even more modern building techniques are being used on an expanding new town site near Peterborough; here the Amazing Mystico and Janet can put up a block of flats by hypnosis in under a minute.The local Council here have over fifty hypnosis induced twenty five storey blocks, put up by El Mystico and Janet. I asked Mr. Ken Verybigliar the advantages of hypnosis compared to other building methods.'MR K. V. B. LIAR'But the obvious question is are they safe?'MR CLEMENT ONAN, ARCHITECT TO THE COUNCIL'Of course they're safe. There's absolutely no doubt about that. They are as ,strong, solid and as safe as any other building method in this country provided of course people believe in them.Yes, we received a note from the Council saying that if we ceased to believe in this building it would fall down.You don't mind living in a figment of another man's imagination?No, it's much better than where we used to live.Where did you used to live?We had an eighteen roomed villa overlooking Nice.Really, that sounds much better.Oh yes yes you're right.No, no, no, of course not.Phew, that was close.Well, we're going to kick straight off this week with our Mortuary Quiz, so have your pens and pencils ready.Turn that radio off and look lively!Oh, it's 'Mortuary Quiz', Mr. WangDon't argue, Battersby. This is our mortuary in here, Your Grace I say, I say, I er I er I er I I can't think of anything to say about it.Well, we're very proud of it here, sir. It's one of the most up to date in the country.I see yes yes now um what what ah ah what is it? . it a power station?No, Your Grace, it's a mortuary.I see I see good good good, good, goodBut it has one of the most advanced thermostat control systems in the country, and it has computer controlled storage facilities.I see, I see I er er er er I er I'm a good little doggie.I'm sorry, Your Grace?I'm a good little dog.Oh dearPerhaps we should postpone the visit?Ah! Now then, excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent. Now then ah what happens when the steel is poured into the ingots?Yes yes yes yes yes rather jolly good jolly good .. jolly good jolly good no fearWell the answers were as follows 1 the left hand, 2 no, 3 normal, 4 yes it has, in I963 when a bird got caught in the mechanism. How did you get on?Turn that thing off!Oh! It's 'Mortuary Dance Time', Mr. Wang!Never mind that, Battersby, this is the big one. I've just had Whitby Police on the phone with twelve hangeesOh yes, I just heard about that on the radios No, these are twelve different ones so shtoom.I'll not interrupt this sketch for a pound.What?For one pound I'll leave this sketch totally uninterrupted.What?No, no, it's no good25p.No.10p and a kiss.'FINAL OF THE HIDE AND SEEK SECOND LEO'Uno, dos, tres, quattro, cinque, seis, siete, ocho, nueve, diez trientay dos, trientay tres, trientay quattro'32, 33, 34''998, 999, 1000'Well, we'll be taking you back there as soon as there are any developments.'SIX YEARS LATER'We've just heard that something is happening in the Hide and Seek final, so let's go straight over there.Really beginning to hot up now.'FIVE YEARS, TWO MONTHS AND TWENTY SIX DAYS LATER'So here we are on the very last day of this fantastic final. Huron now has less than twelve hours left to find British ace Don Roberts. Early this morning he finished combing the outskirts of Lisbon and now he seems to have staked everything on one final desperate seek here in the Tagus valley. But Roberts is over fifteen hundred miles away, and it's beginning to look all over, bar the shouting. The sands of time are running out for this delving dago, this senior of seek, perspicacious Paraguayan. He's still desperately cold and it's beginning to look like another gold for Britain.The official result of the World Hide and Seek, Mr. Don Roberrs from Hinckley, Leicestershire, 11 years, 2 months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27 seconds. Mr. Francisco Huron, Paraguay, 11 years, a months, 26 days, 9 hours, 3 minutes, 27 seconds. The result a tie.A tie! Well what a fantastic result. Well the replay will start tomorrow at 7.30 a.m.Well hello again . nice to be back glad to see the series has been doing well. Well now, sorry about Monterrey.That was a little item entitled Hide and Seek very anarchic, very effective, not quite my cup of tea, but very nice for the younger people. Well, the next item the boys have put together takes place in a sitting room. Sorry it's just a sitting room, but the bank account's a bit low after the appallingly expensive production of 'Clothmerle'This is a totally free interruption and no money has exchanged hands whatever.Gravy?Yes please, dear.Oh dear, that'll be the Cheap Laughs from next door.Come in.No! Just breathing heavily!Oh we just dropped in.Would you like to come through'ONE EVENING WITH THE CHEAP LAUGHS LATER'Oh thank you very much for a very nice evening.After you, dear.Oh honestly dear, why do we always have to buy everything just because the Cheap Laughs have one?This is not an interruption at all.It's just neighborliness dear, that's allI think we should try and lead our own lives from now on.Can't you be serious for one moment?'LATER THAT NIGHT'I'm sorry I was cross earlier.Oh that's all right, dear. It's just that I. get so sick of always having to be like the Cheap Laughs.Well yes, from now on we'll be like ourselves.Oh RogerOh Beatrice.Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about bull fighting. They say it's not only cruel, vicious and immoral, but also blatantly unfair. The bull is heavy, violent, abusive and aggressive with four legs and great sharp teeth, whereas the bull fighter is only a small, greasy Spaniard. Given this basic inequality what can be done to make bull fighting safer? We asked Brigadier Arthur Farquar Smith, Chairman of the British Well Basically Club.'LIVE FROM ALGON'DIGESTIVE BISCUITS; Ł8,OOO,OOO PER PACKET'Of course the big question that everyone's asking here is, what about those split crotch parities? Are they going to be unobtainable throughout the Universe or merely on Algon itself?. Professor?'PROFESSOR HERMAN KHAN, DIRECTOR OF THE INSTITUTE OF SPLIT CROTCH PANTIES'We must remember that Algon is over 75,000 miles wide. The probes come down to this area here and we're really only getting signals from a radius of only thirty or forty miles around the probe. Split crotch panties, or indeed any items of what we scientists call, 'Sexy Underwear' or 'Erotic Lingerie' may be much more plentiful on other parts of the planet.Professor, you were responsible for finding Scanty Panties and Golden Goddess High Lift Bras on planets which were never thought able to sustain life, and now that man has discovered a new galaxy do you think we're going to see underwear become even naughtier?Oh naughtier and naughtier.'NO BANANAS ON ALGON'Well so much for that But of course, the probe itself has excited a great deal of interest for it contains uranium based dual transmission cells entirely re charged by solar radiation, which can take off a bra and panties in less than fifteen seconds. It is, of course, the first piece of space hardware to be specially designed to undress ladies, and so there are bound to be some teething troubles such as how to cope with the combination of elastic sided boots and tights.But I think we're getting some pictures now from Algon itself, and it looks as though yes! The satellite has found a bird! The probe has struck crumpet and she looks pretty good too! Professor?Ja she's a. real honey!Morning, sir, can I help you?Yes, yes I wondered if you have any part time vacancies on your books..I see. Have you anything a bit more modern, you know, like a job on the buses, or digging the underground?Oh no, we only have Tudor jobs.That can't be very profitable, can it?Well, you'd be surprised, actually sir. The Tudor economy's booming, ever since Sir Humphrey Gilbert opened up the North west passage to Cathay, and the Cabots' expansion in Canada, there's been a tremendous surge in exports, and trade with the Holy Roman Empire is going no, quite right, it's no good at all.What?It's a dead loss. We haven't put anyone in a job since 1625.I see.That's all?What?That's all you say?Yes.No, no, we were the tops then. Drake got all his sailors here. Elizabeth, we supplied the archbishops for her coronation. Shakespeare started off from here as a temp. Then came James the First and the bottom fell out of the Tudor jobs. 1603 800 vacancies filled, 1604 40, 1605 none, 1606 none. The rest of the Stuart period nothing. Hanoverions nothing. Victorians nothing. Saxe Coburgs nothing. Windsors what did you want?Dirty books, please.Have you got anything a bit erA bit stronger?Yes.Hold on a My Lord of Warwick!Raise high the drawbridge. Gloucester's troops approach.Can't be too careful you know, sir.There's a 'Bridget Queen of the Whip'.Yes..,Or 'Naughty Nora' or there's this one 'Doug, Bob and Gordon Visit the Ark Royal'. Or there's 'Sister Teresa The Spanking Nun'.Mmmm I see you don't have anything specially about Devon and Cornwall?No. I'm afraid not, sir.The one I was really after was Arthur Hotchkiss's 'Devonshire Country Churches'.Well how about this, sir 'Bum Biters'.No not really I don't suppose you have any general surveys of English Church architecture?No, it's not really our line, sir.No, I see. Well, never mind I'll just take the 'Lord Lieutenant in Nylons' then, and these two copies of 'Piggie Parade'. Thank you.Right, sir.'Allo?Right.Just these, then.All right. This is a raid. My name is Superintendent Gaskell and this is Sergeant Maddox.Ah! Sir Philip Sidney. 'Tis good to see thee on these shores again.Shut up.Your suit is fair and goodly cut. Was't from Antwerp?Shut up. It's a disguise. Right! Confiscate the smutty books, Maddox.Sir Philip!. Prithee nay!Listen, mate! Don't come that Philip Sidney bit with me. I'm not a bloody Tudor at all. I'm Gaskell of the Vice Squad and this is Sergeant Maddox. ',Maddox! Where's he gone?Sir Philip, prithee rest awhile.Look. This is the last time. I'm warning you, I'm not Sir Philip Bleeding Sidney. I am Superintendent Harold Gaskell and this is a raid.That'll be 540 quid sir.I'm going home.Pray good, Sir Philip, that youFarewell, good Sir Philip.You'll never get away with this, you porn merchant. Blimey!Maddox!Oh good sir, how glad I am to see thee come. Forgive me weeping, but my love has gone.Er, listen. My name is Caskell Superintendent Caskell of Vice Squad. Myself and Sergeant Maddox are on a raid. We are not Tudor people. We are the police. Possibly but I may be Superintendent Gaskell of the Vice Squad.Ah good, Sir Philip, thy sharp tongued wit has not deserted thee. Come. Let us eat and drink. Stay with us awhile.All right, sir. I think I will.'THE LIFE OF SIR PHILIP SIDNEY'. .. then did we bust the Harry Tony mob, who did seek to import Scandinavian filth via Germany. For six years they cleaned up a packet the day I got whiff of them through a squealer and within one week did a mop up right good. They're now languishing doing five years bird in Parkhurst.Sir Philip. The Spaniards have landed in the Netherlands. My Lord Walsingham needs you there forthwith.Let's go.Good luck, Sir Philip!Where are the Spaniards?Down below Sir Philip, their first boats are landing even now.Right, you stay here, I'll go and get them.Sir Philip! Not alone!Allo allo! What's going on here?Ees nothing, Senor, ees just some literature.It is one of Lope De Vega's latest play, Senor.'Toledo Tit Parade'? What sort of play's that?It's very visual, Senor.Right. I'm taking this lot in the name of Her Gracious Majesty Queen Elizabeth.Oh, but Senor.Don't give me any trouble. Just pile up these baskets of filth and come with me.The battle raged long and hard, but as night fell Sidney overcame the Spaniards. 6,000 copies of 'Tits and Bums' and 4,000 copies of 'Shower Sheila' were seized that day. The tide of Spanish porn was stemmed. Sir Philip Sidney returned to London in triumph.'LONDON 1583'Covered in glory, Sir Philip rode home to Pensburst to see. his beloved wife but all was not well.Oh, 'tis nothing, husband.I can see 'tis something.'Tis one of Shakespeare's latest works.Oh 'Gay Boys in Bondage' What, is't tragedy? Comedy?'Tis a er 'tis a story of man's great love for his fellow man.How fortunate we are indeed to have such a poet on these shores.Indeed. How was the war, my lord?The Spaniards were defeated thrice. Six dozen chests of hardcore captured.Yes, good my wife, this fair coat trimmed with ermine.No, no fair lady. The rest was too smutty.Now, my good wife. Whilst I rest, read to me a while from Shakespeare's 'Gay Boys in Bondage'.'Tis like 'Hamlet' what a genius!'But who's going to do the cooking tonight? Roddy's got a mouthful'All right, this is a raid.Oh! We are disgraced!There you are, Maddox!Cut the chat and get in the van.Maddox! You recognize meOh oh the glorious name of Sidney is besmirched all is lost oh alas the day.Shut up! I know this man this is my old mate Sergeant MaddoxYou'll do time for this.Oh Maddox it's me Gaskell 'F' division down at Acton Inspector Arthur Frodwell.I'm not Sir Philip bleedin' Sidney . and where were you? We could have mopped up that Tudor shopOooh That's a good one!It's nice here, darling, isn't it.It's beautiful, it's Paris all over again.Excuse me, do you mind if I join you?Er, no no no not at all.Are you sure you don't mind?Yes, yes, absolutely.You're sure I won't be disturbing you?No, no.You're absolutely sure I won't be disturbing you?No, no really.Good. Because I don't want to disturb you. Specially as you're being so kind about me not disturbing you.Oh, no, no, we don't mind, do we, darling?Oh no, darling.Good, so I can go ahead and join you then? Can I?Yes yesWon't be disturbing?No. No.Well, it's not particularly disturbing.We must be getting on.No, the only thing is, you see, we're going to be a little bit late.Oh, thank you. You're very kind.I've come for some free repetition of doubtful words on an inland telegram.Have you got the telegram in question?I have the very thing here.Well, slip it to me my good chap and let me eye the contents.At once Mr. Telegram Enquiry Man.Pat.Pat?My wife's name is not Pat at all.No?It's Bat. With a B.And therefore I will take a quick look in the book.Ripping.'ONE QUICK LOOK IN THE BOOK LATER'You're quite right, old cock. There has been a mistake.I thought as much. What really does it say?It say 'Go away you silly little bleeder. I am having another man. Love Bat'. Quite some error.Yes. She wouldn't call herself Pat, it's silly.Daft, I call it.Well it has been a pleasure working with you.For me also it has been a pleasure. And that concludes our little skit.IS THERE' INTRODUCED BY ROGER LAST RESEARCH J. LOSEY L. ANDERSON S. KUBRICK P. P. PASOLINI O. WELLES THE LATE B. FORBES PRODUCED BY GILLIAN AGED 3 l/2Good doctor morning! Nice year for the time of day!Come in.Can I down sit?Well, now, not going to bush the doctor about the beat too long. I'm going to come to point the straight immediately.Good, good.My particular prob, or buglem bear, I've had ages. For years, I've had it for donkeys.What?I'm up to here with it, I'm sick to death. I can't take you any longer so I've come to see it.Ah, now this is your problem with words.This is my problem with words. Oh, that seems to have cleared it. 'Oh I come from Alabama with my banjo on my knee'. Yes, that seems to be all right. Thank you very much.I see. But recently you have been having this problem with your word order.Well, absolutely, and what makes it worse, sometimes at the end of a sentence I'll come out with the wrong fusebox.Fusebox?And the thing about saying the wrong word is a I don't notice it, and b sometimes orange water given bucket of plaster.Yes, tell me more about your problem.Well as I say, you'd just be talking and out'll pudenda the wrong word and ashtray's your uncle. So I'm really strawberry about it.Upset?It's so embarrassing when my wife and I go to an orgy.A party?No, an orgy. We live in Esher.Quite.,That's what I said. such a bloody whack the diddle fa di la, fo di la, 1o do di do di do, rum fum.sketch continues with Thripshaw's DiseaseHARLEY STREET FLEET STREET BROADWAY HOLLYWOOD'SYR1A 1203'Well, I feel that they have missed the whole point of my disease.This is . always the problem with directors of film clips.Yes, well you see, they've dragged in all this irrelevant mushWhat are you doing now?Well at the moment I am working on a new disease, which I hope to turn into a musical, but, primarily we are working on a re make of my first disease and this time we're hoping to do it properly.Well let's just take a look at this new filmclip.Well now, what seems to be the matter?The next sketch starts after some silly noises.Come in.I wondered if I could have a word with you for a moment.Thank you.Now then, a glass of sherry?No no thank youWell, if you're having some, yes then, perhaps, vicar.Well in that case I won't, don't worry.You see, if I split what's left, there'd be hardly any left for me at all.Well, I'm not a great sherry drinker.Good! So, I can have it all now then what's the problem?Well, just recently I've begun to worry aboutAh! I've found another bottle! You can have some now if you want to.Well yes, perhaps a littleOh you don't have to. I can drink the whole bottle.Well in that case, noGood! That's another bottle for me. Do go on.I've begun to worry recently thatCome in!Ah, Mr. Husband this is Mr. Kirkham, one of my parishioners, this is Mr. Husband of the British Sherry CorporationLook, look, perhaps I'd better come back laterNo, no no do stay here. Have a sherry you won't be long will you, Husband?Oh no, vicar it's just a question of signing a few forms.There we are there we are, Mr. Husband. Now, how about you, Mr. Kirkham?Well only if there's enough.Oh well, there's not much now.Oh, in that case no I won't bother.Well, vicar, I've made enquiries with our shippers and the most sherry they can ship in any one load is 2,000 gallons.And how many glasses is that?That's roughly 540,000 glasses, Vicar.That's excellent, Husband, excellent.Yes it means you can still keep your main sherry supply on the roof, but you can have an emergency supply underneath the vestry of 5,000 gallons.Yes and I could have dry sherry on the roof and Amontillado in the underground tank!Absolutely.Excellent work, Husband, excellent work.Well, it's just that recently I've begun to worry aboutWell, lookI sometimes ask myself does the Bible intend'BOXING TONIGHT'This then is the height of the English Renaissance, the triumph of Classical over Gothic the He's down! Sir Kenneth Clark is down in eight seconds. But he's up again. He's up at sixThe almost ordered facades of Palladio's villas reflects theThank you, thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. And nowIt'sStand and deliver!What's the the one like that with the leaves that are sort of regularly veined and the veins go right out with a sort of umSerrated?Serrated edges.A willow!Yes.That's nothing like a willow.Well it doesn't matter, anyway. I can hit it seven times out of ten, that's the point.Never a willow.Shut up! It's a hold up, not a Botany lesson. Now, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupins you've got.Lupins?Yes, lupins. Come on, come on.What do you mean, lupins?Don't try to play for time.I'm not, but the *flower* lupin?Yes, that's right.Well we haven't got any lupins.Honestly.Look, my friends. I happen to know that this is the Lupin Express.Damn!Oh, here you are.In a bunch, in a bunch!Sorry.Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, galloping through the sward, Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, and his horse Concorde. He steals from the rich, he gives to the poor, Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore.Here we are, I'll be back.'THE END'Morning, Mrs. Trepidatious.Oh, I don't know what's good about it, my right arm's hanging off something awful.Oh, you want to have that seen to.What, by that Dr Morrison? He's killed more patients than I've had severe boils.What do the stars say?Well, Petula Clark says burst them early, but David FrostNo, the stars in the paper, you cloth eared heap of anteater's catarrh, the zodiacal signs, the horoscopic fates, the astrological portents, the omens, the genethliac prognostications, the mantalogical harbingers, the vaticinal utterances, the fatidical premonitory uttering of the mantalogical omens what do the bleeding stars in the paper predict, forecast, prophesy, foretell, prognosticateAnd this is where you at home can join in. forebode, bode, augur, spell, foretoken, the audience joins in presage, portend, foreshow, foreshadow, forerun, herald, point to, betoken, indicate!I don't know.What are you?I'm Nesbitt.There's not a zodiacal sign called NesbittAll right, Derry and Toms.Well what does it presage?You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin like ridges running down your spine and tail. Although lizard like in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid sub tropical zones and wear spectacles.It's very good about the spectacles.It's amazing.Mm what's yours, Irene?Basil.I'm sorry, what's yours, Basil?No. That's my star sign, BasilThere isn't aYes there is Aquarius, Sagittarius, Derry and Toms, Basil. June 21st to June 22nd.Well, what does it say?You have green, scaly skin and a series of yellow underbellies running down your spine and tail That's exactly the same!Try number one what's Aquarius?It's a zodiacal sign.I know that, what does it say in the paper Mrs. Flan and pickle?All right Oh! It says, 'a wonderful day ahead'. You will be surrounded by family and friends. Roger Moore will drop in for lunch, bringing Tony Curtis with him. In the afternoon a substantial cash sum will come your way. In the evening Petula Clark will visit your home accompanied by Mike Samrues singers. She will sing for you in your own living room. Before you go to bed, Peter Wyngarde will come and declare his undying love for you.Urghhl What's Scorpio?Oh, that's very good. 'You will have lunch with a school friend of Duane Eddy's, who will insist on whistling some of Duane's greatest instrumental hits. In the afternoon you will die, you will be buried'Good morning.Oh, morning, doctor.How's the old arm this morning, Mrs. Ikon?Oh, it's still hanging off at the shoulder.Morning, Mr. Hemon How are we today?Not too bad, doctor.No.Righto.Ah, Mr. Rodgets, have you got your unemployment benefit please? Right. Well can you write me a cheque then please?'THE GREAT DEBATE' 'NUMBER 31' 'TV4 OR NOT TV4?'Hello. Should there be another television channel, or should there not? On tonight's program the Minister for Broadcasting, The Right Honorable Mr. Ian Throat MP.Good evening.The Chairman of the Amalgamated Money 'IV, Sir Abe Sappenheim.Good evening.The Shadow Spokesman for Television, Lord Kinwoodie.Hello.And a television critic, Mr. Patrick Loone.Hello.Gentlemen should there be a fourth television channel or not? Ian?Yes.Francis.No.Sir Abe?Yes.Patrick.No.'YES 2 NO 2'Well there you have it. Two say will, two say won't. We'll be back again next week, and next week's 'Great Debate' will be about Government Interference in Broadcasting and will be cancelled mysteriously.'THE GREAT DEBATE INTRODUCED BY LUDOVIC LUDOVIC WITH SIR ABE SAPPENHEIM IAN THROAT MP LORD KINWOODIE MR PATRICK LOONE''GEORGE I''EPISODE 3 ' THE GATHERING STORM'Ah! 'Tis my lord of Buckingham. Pray welcome, Your Grace.Thank you, Grantley.Ladies, may I introduce to you the man who prophesied that a German monarch would soon embroil this country in continental affairs.Oh, how so, my lord?Madam, you will recall that prior to his accession our gracious sovereign George had become involved in the long standing Northern War, through his claims to Bremen and Verdun. These duchies would provide an outlet to the sea of the utmost value to Hanover. The Treaty of Westphalia has assigned them to Sweden.In 1648.Exactly.Meanwhile Frederick William of Denmark, taking advantage of the absence of Charles XII, seized them; 1712.Oh yes!It all falls into place. More wine?Oh, thank you.However, just prior to his accession, George had made an alliance with Frederick William of Prussia, on the grounds of party feeling.While Frederick William had married George's only daughter.I remember the wedding.But chiefly through concern at the concerted action against Charles XIIStand and deliver.Dennis Moore!The same. And now my lords, my ladies your lupins, please.Our what?Oh, come come, don't play games with me my Lord of Buckingham.What can you mean?He seeks them here he seeks them there he seeks those lupins everywhere. The murdering blackguard! He's taken all our lupins.Oh you tricked him!Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Riding through the night. Soon every lupin in the land Will be in his mighty hand He steals them from the rich And gives them to the poor Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore.Don't worry, I've I've brought you something.Medicine at last?No.Food?No.Some blankets perhaps clothes wood for the fireNo. Lupins!I'm sick to bloody death of them.So am I.She's bloody dying and all you bring us is lupins. All we've eaten mate for the last four bleeding weeks is lupin soup, roast lupin, steamed lupin, braised lupin in lupin sauce, lupin in the basket with sautéed lupins, lupin meringue pie, lupin. sorbet we sit on lupins, we sleep in lupins, we feed the cat on lupins, we burn lupins, we even wear the bloody things!Looks very smart.Like what?Like gold and silver and clothes and wood and jewels andHang on, I'll get a piece of paper.Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dumdum alum the night. Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dun de dun dum plight. He steals dumdum dun And dumdum dum dee Dennis dun, Dennis dee, dum dun dum.This, coupled with the presence of Peter and his Prussians at Mecklenburg and Charles and his Swedes in Pomerania, made George and Stanhope eager to come to terms with France.Meanwhile, a breach had now opened withOh no, not again.Come on.Your watches, your lace, your spittoonsDennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Riding through the woods. Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore With a bag of things. He gives to the poor and he takes from the rich Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore.Here we are.'THE END'Yet fear, not like an aged florin, can so disseminate men's eyes, that fortune, straining at a kissing touch may stop her ceaseless search to sport amidst the rampant thrust of time, and bring the thing undone to pass by that with which the cock may chance an arm.Well that's all very well, sir, but this is an off license.Oh. Just a bottle of sherry then, please.Certainly Amontillado?Yes, I think Amonfillado, finely grown well chosen from the casque of Pluto's hills, cell'd deep within the vinous soil of Spain, wrench'd thence from fiery regions of the sunYes, yes sir. Just one bottle?Just one bottle. Just one jot. Just one tittle. That's the lot.There we are, sir. That'll be a pound, please.A pound a pound and all around abound A pound found found Lost lost the cost till was't embossedExcuse me, sir.Yes, good victualler, nature's trencherman, mine honest tapsterI was just wondering. Are you a poet?No, no, I'm a solicitor well versed within the written law of man, can m those who needOh' shut up.I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry.Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir I used to suffer from short stories.Really? When?Meanwhile Frederick William bushy engaged in defending against the three great powers the province of Silesia which he had seized in the War of the Austrian succession against his word.Yes, I remember. was now dependent on Pitt's subsidies.What do you want? Why are you here?Why are any of us here? I mean, when you get down to it, it's all so meaningless, isn't it, I mean what do any of us wantNo, no, what do you want now?Oh I see, oh just the usual things, a little place of my own, the fight girlNo, no, no! What do you want from us?Oh sorry. Urn, your gold, your silver, your jewelry.You've taken it all.This is all we've got left.You'd better take the bloody lupin too.Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Etcetera, etceteraWhat you got for us today then.Well I've managed to find you four very nice silver spoons Mr. Jenkins.Yes, why don't you go out and steal something nice like some Venetian silver.Or a Velasquez for the outside loo.Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Riding through the land Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore Without a merry band He steals from the poor. and gives to the rich Stupid bitch.What did you sing?Wait a tic blimey, this redistribution of wealth is trickier than I thought.'ALL FACTS VERIFIED BY TIlE RHODESIAN POLICE'Our first contestant is a hairdresser fromI never did like that kind of person !'ERRATUM. JACK BODELL WAS BORN IN SWADLINCOTE IN DERBYSHIRE'I thought you should have won. I mean, judicially you swept the board all right, he has posture, but where was he in the summing up?Oh shut up Melford, there's always next year.'A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY'There now follows a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Conservative and Unionist Party.Well, don't think of them. Just count four in your head.And one and fur ther two and three and no, I can't reallyYes, well come on and do it with me, come on. And Fur ther more we hope that we can stop the ris ing un em ploy ment.And point 'unemployment' with your finger.I see. I can do it when you're here.I won't be far away. All right, Neville love, we're going from 'unemployment' through 'pensions' into 'good government is strong government' and the walk down, all fight? And cue, love.And fur ther more we hope that we can stop the n's ing un em ploy ment at a stroke or e yen quick er.We in the Lab our Par ty have al ways made our po si tion quite clear·.. we have al ways been op posed toWilson and Heath dance to 'The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy '.'A BOOK AT BEDTIME''Book at Bedtime' Tonight Jeremy Toogood reads 'Redgauntlet' by Sir Walter Scott.The sunset was dying over the hills of Solway Firth. The lone piper on the battlements of Edinburgh Casde was silhouetted against the crim crim crimisy .., crimson! against the crimson strays stree ..,Streaked!Streaked?Crimson streaked sky in the shadows of crrignuCairngorml In the shadows of Cairngorm! Third Reader In the shadows of Cairngorm, the l layeredLaird! The Laird of Monteu MontreauxMontrose.The Laird of Montrose!Gal loppedGalloped!Next!The money's good!Ten shun,All right, sergeant major. At ease. Now, how many chaps have you got left,?Six, sir,Four, sir.For your four lads.These three here, sir. OK. Off you go, Smith.You don't think it might be a good idea er to stop the training program for a little bit?They got to be trained, sir. It's a dangerous job.All right MacPherson, you're next, off you go.Good luck, MacPherson.Both of who, sir?Sergeant major, what's this man's name?This one sir? This one is MacDonald, sir.What's that?It's the fifth state that a Scotsman can achieve, sir. He's got to finish himself off by lunchtime or he thinks he's let down the Emperor, sir.Well, can't we get him out of it?Oh, I dunno how to, sir. Our Kamikaze instructor, Mr. Yashimoto, was so good he never left Tokyo airport.Well, there must be someone else who can advise us?Thank you.Right, sergeant major there's no time to lose.Beg pardon, sir?No time to lose.No what, sir?No time no time to lose.Yes, that's right, yes.Yes, no time to lose, sir!Right.Isn't that funny, sir I've never come across that phrase before 'no time to lose'. Forty two years I've been in the regular army and I've never heard that phrase.Well, it's in perfectly common parlance.In what, sir?Oh never mind right no time to lose.Eventually, yes, sir.What?Like you say, sir. We'll be able to make time, eventually without to lose, sir, no.Look, I don't think you've quite got the hang of this phrase, sergeant major.Well, I was thinking of using it er like, well good morning dear, what is in no time to lose?Er yes well you've not quite got the hang of that, have you.Yes, that's right.Yes goodYes.No! Time to lose!No No time to lose.No time to lose?No time to lose.No time to lose.No to lose like Toulouse in France. No time Toulouse.No time too loseNo time Toulouse.No time ToulouseNot no time to loserNo no time to lose!No time Toulouse. The story of the wild and lawless days of the post Impressionists.Anyway, no time to lose, sergeant major.Look out, sir! MacDonald!Right, here are the plans sergeant major, good luck.And good luck to you, MacDonald.Thank you, sir.Right you are, MacDonald. No time to lose.Very good, sergeant major.Yes, excellentSo it was that on a cold January morning, RSM Urdoch and Sapper MacDonald, one of the most highly trained Kamikaze experts the Scottish Highlands have ever witnessed, left on a mission which was to oh I can't go on with this drivel.All right, MacDonald, no time to lose.Aaaaaaugh!Well, that's the mission now here's the method. RSM Urdoch will lull the enemy into a false sense of security by giving them large quantifies of money, a good home, and a steady job. Then, when they're upstairs with the wife, Sapper MacDonald will hurl himself at the secret documents, destroying them and himself. Well, that's the plan, the time is now 19.42 hours. I want you to get to bed, have a' good night's rest and be up on parade early in the morning. Thank you for listening and thank you for a lovely supper.'FRONTIERS OF MEDICINE PART 2' 'THE GATHERING STORM'Penguins, yes, penguins. What relevance do penguins have to the furtherance of medical science? Well, strangely enough quite a lot, a major breakthrough, maybe. It was from such an unlikely beginning as an unwanted fungus accidentally growing on a sterile plate that Sir Alexander Fleming gave the world penicillin. James Watt watched an ordinary household kettle boiling and conceived the potentiality of steam power. Would Albert Einstein ever have hit upon the theory of relativity if he hadn't been clever? All these tremendous leaps forward have been taken in the dark. Would Rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn't tried? Could Marconi have invented the radio if he hadn't by pure chance spent years working at the problem? Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved except by years and years of unremitting study? Of course not. What I said earlier about accidental discoveries must have been wrong. Nevertheless scientists believe that these penguins, these comic flightless web footed little bastards may finally unwittingly help man to fathom the uncharted depths of the human mind. Professor Rosewall of the Laver Institute.'PROF. KEN ROSEWALL'The first thing that Dr Kramer came up with was that the penguin has a much smaller brain than the man. This postulate formed the fundamental basis of all his thinking and remained with him until his death.Now we've taken this theory one stage further. If we increase the size of the penguin until it is the same height as the man and then compare the relative brain size, we now find that the penguin's brain is still smaller. But, and this is the point, it is larger than it was.'DR PEACHES BARTKOWICZ'For a penguin to have the same size of brain as a man the penguin would have to be over sixty six feet high.'YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN''DR LEWIS HOAD'These IQ. tests were thought to contain an unfair cultural bias against the penguin. For example, it didn't take into account the penguins' extremely poor educational system. To devise a fairer system of test, a team of our researchers spent eighteen months in Antarctica living like penguins, and subsequently dying like penguins only quicker proving that the penguin is a clever little sod in his own environment.Therefore we devised tests to be given to the penguins in the fourth set I do beg your pardon, in their own environment.Net!Shh!What is the next number in this sequence 2, 4, 6. . .The environmental barrier had been removed but we'd hit another the language barrier. The penguins could not speak English and were therefore unable to give the answers. This problem was removed in the next series of experiments by asking the same questions to the penguins and to a random group of non English speaking humans in the same conditions.. . . Hello?The results of these tests were most illuminating. The penguins' scores were consistently equal to those of the non English speaking group.These enquiries led to certain changes at the BBC While attendances at zoos boomed.Soon these feathery little hustlers were infiltrating important positions everywhere.'THE KREMLIT'Svientitzi hobonwy kratow sveguminurdy.'THESE ARE THE VERY IMPORTANT SECRET DOCUMENTS I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT'We must study them in conditions of absolute secrecy.'WHAT?''REGARDEZ LA!'He hasn't gone off.'ZE HABE NICHT OESHPLODEN''QUICK! RING THE UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN SQUAD'Yes my General!'UNEXPLODED SCOTSMAN DISPOSAL SQUAD''WHISKY'And welcome to 'Spot the Loony', where once again we invite you to come with us all over the world to meet all kinds of people in all kinds of places, and ask you to . .. Spot the Loony!'ALL ANSWERS VERIFIED BY ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITANNICA'Our panel this evening Gurt Svensson, the Swedish mammal abuser and part time radiator.Good evening.Dame Elsie Occluded, historian, wit, bon viveur, and rear half of the Johnson brothersGood evening.And Miles Yellowbird, up high in banana tree, the golfer and inventor of Catholicism.Good evening.The legendary south face of Ben Medhui, dark forbidding'IVANOE'Yes, well done, Mrs. L of Leicester, Mrs. B of Buxton and Mrs. G of Gotwick, the loony was of course the writer, Sir Walter Scott.'SIR WALTER SCOTT 1771 1832,'CHARLES DICKENS 1812 1870'You bastard! yes.Excuse me.It's mine!tofirst producer Go away in human terms? Who are the casualties?For this was Sir Walter Scott's country. Many of his finest romances, such as 'Guy Mannering' and 'Redgauntlet'Give that back! also a writer of humour andBritain's timber resources are being used up at a rate ofOne man who knew Scott was Angus Tinker.'ANGUS TINKER''A FORESTRY EXPERT'This new soft timber fibre would totally replace the plywoods, hardboards and chipboards at present dominating theIn the Waverley novels Scott was constantly concerned to protect a way of life.safeguarding nationalist traditions and aspiration, within the necessary limitations of the gothic novelThen then the the end! The End. looks up'DAD'S DOCTOR''DAD'S POOVES''THE RATINGS GAME''UP THE PALACE''LIMESTONE DEAR LIMESTONE' the wacky days of the late Pleistocene era when much of Britain's rock strata was being formed. All this and less on 'Comedy Ahoy'. But now, BBC Television is closing down for the night. Don't forget to switch off your sets. Goodnight.Good evening. We've got an action packed evening for you tonight on Thames, but right now here's a rotten old BBC program.It's The British Show Biz AwardsPresented by Her Royal Highness The Dummy Princess MargaretLemon curry?And the Third Parachute Brigade Amateur Dramatic Society for the Oscar Wilde skit.My congratulations, Wilde. Your latest play is a great success. The whole of London's talking about you.There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.Very very witty very very witty.There is only one thing in the world worse than being witty, and that is not being witty.I wish I had said that.You will, Oscar, you will.Your Majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?Yes, we've played squash together.You did, Oscar, you did.You really must forgive me, Wilde, I've got to get back up the Palace.Your Majesty is like a big jam doughnut with cream on the top.I beg your pardon?Um It was one of Whistler's.I never said that.You did, James, you did. Well, Your Highness, what I meant was that, like a doughnut, um, your arrival gives us pleasure and your departure only makes us hungry for more.Your Highness, you are also like a stream of bat's piss.What?It was one of Wilde's. One of Wilde's.It sodding was not! It was Shaw!I I merely meant, Your Majesty, that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.Before you arrive before you arrive is pleasure, and after is a pain in the dong.What?One of Shaw's, one of Shaw'sYou bastards. Um what I meant, Your Majesty, what I meant We've got him, Jim.Come on, Shaw y.Come on, Shaw y.I merely meant Come on, Shaw y.Let's have a bit of wit, then, man.Come on, Shaw y.It's Charwoman!Yes, Charwoman! Sweeping away the last remnants of male chauvinism, polishing off all who dare stand in her way, and cleaning up all in the publishing game. All this and more as once again Charwoman takes to the skies.Before we hear the joint winner, let's see the one that came sixth. Let us see Pier Paolo Pasolini's latest film.Aye, I mean there's lots of people making love, but there's no mention of Geoff Boycott's average.And in t'film, we get Fred TitmusSi, Titmus, si, si the symbol of man's regeneration through radical Marxism fair enough but, but we never once get a chance to see him turn his off breaks on that Brisbane sticky.Aye, and what were all that dancing through Ray Illingworth's innings? Forty seven not out and the bird comes up and feeds him some grapes!What's on the other side?Um, shall we go down and give blood?Oh, I don't want a great bat flapping round my neck.They don't do it like that! They take it from your arm!I can't give it. I caught swamp fever in the Tropics.You've never even been to the Tropics. You've never been south of Sidcup.You can catch it off lampposts.Catch what?I don't know, I'm all confused.You ought to go and see a psychiatrist. You're a loony. You might even need a new brain.Oh, I couldn't afford a whole new brain.Well, you could get one of those Curry's brains.How much are they?I'm still confused.Oh, there's a nice one here, thirteen and six, it's one of Curry's own brains.That one looks nice, what's that?That's a mudguard!It's only eight bob.Oh, that was quick. Come in.Er, hello Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Zambesi?Yes, that's right. Are you the man from Curry's?No, I've just come to say that he's on his way. Would you sign this please.Thank you very much.Thank you. Sorry to bother you.Thank you.Thank you.Thank you.Um, he's just coming now.Thank you.Come in!Here he is.Hello hello Come in.Good morning Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Zambesi?Yes, that's right.Oh, that's nice.Yes, we sell a lot of these. Right, shall we try a fitting?Oh, do I have to have an operation?No, madam, you just strap it on.Doesn't it go inside my head?Not the Roadster, madam, no. You're thinking of the Brainette Major.How much is that?Forty for and six.Oh no, it's not worth it.Oooh, that's a lot.Mince pie for me, please.What did she say that for?Oh, I am enjoying this rickshaw ride. I've been a Tory all my life, my life, my life. Good morning Mr. Presley. How well you look, you look very well our cruising speed is 610 miles per hour well well well porridge well well well, well, hello hello dear hello dear!Oh, she never knew that before.Quiet please. Mrs. Zambesi, who wrote the theory of relativity?I know! I know.Einstane Einstone Einsteen Einston Einstin Einsten Einstein.Good.Noël Einstein.Right. That'll be 13/6d please.Thank you very much.Er, He's gone now.I'll go and get your coat for you.I'm quite warm in this stick of celery, thank you, Senator Muskie.Stapling machine, Mrs. Worral.Stapling machine, Mrs. Zambesi.Are you sure that's working all right?Yes, thank you dear. It's marvelous. I think we can win one or two of the early primaries, we could split the urban Republican vote wide open.Well, here we are then.Well being President of the United States is something that I shall have to think about.Blood donors that way, please.Oh, thank you very much.Thank you.whisperingWhat?whisperingNo, no. I'm sorry, but 'no'.whisperingNo, you may not give urine instead of blood.whisperingNo. Well, I don't care if you want to.whisperingNo. There is no such thing as a urine bank.Please.No. We have no call for it. We've quite enough of it without volunteers coming in here donating it.Just a specimen?No. We don't want a specimen. We either want your blood or nothing.I'll give you some blood if you'll give meWhat?a thing to do some urine in.No, no. Just go away, please.Anyway, I don't want to give you any blood.Fine. Well, you don't have to, you see. Just go away.Can I give you some spit?No.Sweat?No.Ear wax?No. Look, this is a blood bank. All we want is blood.All right. I'll give you some blood.Where did you get that?Today. It's today's.What group is it?What groups are there?There's 'A', It's 'A'.sniff Wait a moment. It's mine. This blood is mine! What are you doing with it?I found it.You found it?! You stole it out of my body, didn't you?No.No wonder I'm feeling off color. drinks from bottle Give that back!It's mine.It's not yours. You stole it.Never.Give it back to me.All right, but only if I can give urine.Get in the queueGood afternoon and welcome to Wife Swapping from Redcar. And the big news this morning that the British boy Boris Rogers has succeeded in swapping his nine stone Welsh born wife for a Ford Popular and a complete set of Dickens. Well now, I can see they're ready at the start and so let's go over now for the start of the 3.30.And first let's catch up with the latest news of the betting.Number 12 Betty Parkinson 7 to 4 on favorite, number 27 Mrs. Colyer 9 to 4, 5 to 1 bar those.And Mrs. Rogers is the first to show, there she goes into Mr. Johnson's, and Mrs. Johnson across to Mr. Colyer, followed closely by Mrs. Casey on the inside. Mrs. Parkinson, number 12, going well there into Mr. Webster's from the Co op, Mrs. Colyer's making ground fast after a poor start, she's out of Mr. Casey's into Mr. Parkinson's, she's a couple of lengths ahead of Mrs. Johnson who's still not out of Mr. Casey's. Mrs. Penguin and at number 8 Mrs. Colyer these two now at the head of the field from Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Atkins, Mrs. Parkinson, Mrs. Warner and Mrs. Rudd all still at Mr. Philips's. Mrs. Penguin making the running now, challenged strongly by Mrs. Casey, Mrs. Casey coming very fast on the inside, it's going to be Mrs. Casey coming from behind. Now she's making a break on the outside, Mrs. Penguin running and at the line, it's Mrs. Casey who's got it by a short head from Mrs. Penguin in second place, Mrs. Parkinson in third, Mrs. Rudd, Mrs. Colyer, Mrs. Warner and there's Mrs. Griffiths who's remained unswapped.Well, a very exciting race there, and I have with me now the man who owned and trained the winner, Mrs. Casey Mr. Casey. Well done, Jack.Thank you, John.Well, were you at all surprised about this, Jack?No, not really, no she's been going very well in training, and at Doncaster last week, and I fancy her very strongly for the Cheltenham weekend.Well, thank you very much indeed, Jack. We must leave you now because it's time for the team event.Hello, and a very warm welcome from the Tower ballroom suite at Reading, where there's very little in it, they're neck and neck, crop and grummit, real rack and saddle, brick and bucket, horse and tooth, cap and thigh, arse over tip, they're absolutely birds of a feather, there's not a new pin in it, you couldn't get a melon between them. Well, now, everything rests on the formation event and here comes the North West with the Mambo. Maestro, take it away, please.And now it's time for Rugby League, and highlights of this afternoon's game between Keighley and Hull Kingston Rovers.And there goes his wife into the scrum. And Hull have got the heel against the head. Doing nicely with this scrum, some very good picking here. Warrington's picked her up, is he going to let her go, Wrigley's with him, grand lad is this.Well, that was right on the whistle, Rovers walkin' it there, winnin' easily by twenty six points to two.Just a reminder that on `Match of the Day' tonight you can see highlights of two of this afternoon's big games Mrs. Robinson v Manchester United and Southampton v Mr. Rogers, a rather unusual game that. And here's a late result Coventry nil, Mr. Johnson's Una three Coventry going down at home, there. Just a little reminder that the next sport you can see on BBC1 will be 9.20 on Wednesday night, when `Wife Swapping with Coleman' comes live from my place. Till then, goodnight.Grandstand a BBC inside broadcast conceived written and performed by Michael Palin and Mrs. Cleese Eric Idle and Mrs. Palin John Cleese and Mrs. Jones Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones and Mrs. Idle Graham Chapman and Mr. Sherlock also appearing Carol Cleveland and Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. Zambesi Caron Gardner and Mrs. A. make up by Miss Gaffney and Mr. Last costumes Hazel Pethig and Mr. Clarke graphics by Bob Blagden and `Naughty' Rosy animations by Terry Gilliam Rabbi Colquhoun film cameraman Alan Featherstone and Miss Weston film editor Mr. Ray Millichope and his Orchestra sound Richard Chubb and Mrs. Lighting lighting Bill Bailey and Mr. Sound choreography by Jean Clarke and an unnamed man in Esher designed by Chris Thompson and Mrs. Armstrong Jones produced by Ian MacNaughton and `Dickie' a BBC TV and Mrs. Thames production Š BBC 1972There they go, the credits of the year. Credits that you and the Society voted as the credits that brought the most credit to the Society. Sadly, the man who designed them cannot be with us tonight, as he is at home asleep, but we are going to wake him up and tell him the good news.Are you there in Bristol, Arthur Briggs?And now for the moment you've all been waiting forNo, not that moment. Although that moment is not coming, in a moment. The moment I'm talking about is the moment when we present the award for the cast with the most awards award, and this year is no exception. Ladies and gentlemen will you join me and welcome please, the winners of this year's Mountbatten trophy, Show business's highest accolade, the cast of the Dirty Vicar sketch.Well, now let us see the performances which brought them this award. Let us see the Dirty Vicar Sketch.Have you seen Lady Windermere's new carriage, dear?Absolutely enchanting!Isn't it!Graham The new vicar to see you, m'lady.Ah, send him in, Chivers.Now, how is your tea, dear? A little more water perhaps?Thank you. It is delightful as it is.The Reverend Ronald Simms, the Dirty Vicar of St Michael's ooh!Terry J. Cor, what a lovely bit of stuff. I'd like to get my fingers around those knockers.How do you find the vicarage?I like tits!Oh vicar! vicar!Oh my goodness. I do beg your pardon. How dreadful! The first day in my new parish, I completely so sorry!Certainly, m'lady.As I was saying, how do you find the new vicarage?Oh yes, certainly, yes indeed, I find the grounds delightful, and the servants most attentive and particularly the little serving maid with the great big knockers, and when she gets goingWell, there we are, another year has been too soon alas ended and I think none more than myself can be happier at this time than I am.'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING' CAPTION 'THE BEGINNINGS'This is a great moment for us, Joseph.It is a great moment for France.Ah, oui!First ascent in a hot air balloon, by the Montgolfier brothers 1783. I can see us now just after Montesquieu and just before Mozart.I think I'll go and wash Good luck.Oh it's quite easy, really I just slap a little water on my face, thenNo good luck for tomorrow.Oh I see, yes. You too. Yours has been the work.Let us hope for a safe ascent and don't use my flannel.You know, when you showed me the plans in Paris, I could not believe that we should be the first men who would fly.Yes it's wonderful.I am so excited I could hardly wash.Yes I too have had some difficulty washing these past few days.Still, what is washing when we are on the verge of a great scientific breakthrough?JacquesYes, JosephI have not been washing very thoroughly for many years now.What do you mean? You must have been washing your face?Oh yes, my face, I wash my face but my legs my stomach my chest, they're filthy.Well, I don't wash my stomach every day.This is nothing, JosephMonsieur Montgolfier..' A Mr. Parfitt to see you, sir.A Mr. Barklit, to see you, sir.with difficulty Barr at elett to see you, sir.BarkitBartlett!Baffle Bartlett A Mr. Bartlett to see you, sir.I don't want to see anyone, O'Toole tell him to go away.Well, it's getting late. I must go and have a wash.What will you be washing?Oh just my face and neck perhaps my feet and possibly but no no lock up the plans, Joseph tomorrow they will make us the toast of France. 'The first ascent by the Montgolfier brothers in a balloon'. Just after Ballcock and just before Bang what a position!So, on June 7th, 1783, the Montgolfier brothers had a really good wash starting on his face and arms, Joseph Michael Montgolfier went on to scrub his torso, his legs and his naughty bits, before rinsing his whole body. That June night, he and his brother between them washed seventeen square feet of body area. They used a kilo and a half of catholic soap and nearly fourteen gallons of nice hot water. It was indeed an impressive sight.'THE END''THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'.Next week on 'The Golden Age of Ballooning', we examine the work of Girlsher and Coxwell, the English balloonists who ascended to a height of seven miles in 1862 without washing. There is also a book called 'The Golden Age of Ballooning' published by the BBC to coincide with the series. It's in an attractive hand tooled binding, is priced L5 and failure to buy it will make you liable to a 50 pound fine or three months' imprisonment. There's also a record of someone reading the book of 'The Golden Age of Ballooning', a crochet work bedspread with the words 'The Golden Age of Ballooning' on it, available from the BBC, price 18 pounds or five months' imprisonment and there are matching toilet seat covers and courtesy mats with illustrations of many of the balloons mentioned. Also available is a life size model frog which croaks the words 'The Golden Age of Ballooning' and an attractive Bakelite case for storing motorway construction plans in, made in the shape of a balloon. And now, another chance to see a repeat of this morning's re run of last night's second showing of episode 'two of the award winning series 'The Golden Age of Ballooning'.'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING' CAPTION 'EPISODE TWO THE MONTGOLFIER BROTHERS IN LOVE'> CAPTION 'NOT WITH EACH OTHER, OBVIOUSLY'Oh Joseph, all you think about is balloons all you talk about is balloons. Your beautiful house is fun of bits and pieces of balloons your books are all about balloons every time you sing a song, it is in some way obliquely connected with balloons everything you eat has to have 'balloon' incorporated in the title your dogs are an called 'balloon' you tie balloons to your ankles in the evenings.I don't do that!Well, no, you don't do that, but you do duck down and shout 'Hey! Balloons!' when there are none about. Your whole life is becoming obsessively balloonic, you know. Why do I have to hang from this bloody gas bag all day? Don't I mean anything to you?Oh there you go again!Don't waggle!It's all right, we've done the difficult bit.Well, don't forget we have our special guest coming this evening.Oh?Don't tell me you have forgotten already. The man who is giving us thousands of francs for our experiments.What man?Louis XIV!Isn't he dead?Evidently notAll right, I'll be round.Oh, and JosephYes, Jacques?You will wash won't you?Yes, of course!'LATER THAT EVENING'His Royal Majesty, Louis XIV of France.And Mr. Bartlett.Your Majesty. It's a great privilege. Welcome to our humble abode.Sir?Claret for His Majesty please.There's a Mr. Bartlett outside again, sir.Not now, I can't see him, we have the King of France here.Yes, sir.Your Majesty. You had a pleasant journey, I trust?Yes yes, oh definitely yes yes. Oh aye, aye.You have come from Paris?Where?From Paris you have traveled from Paris?Oh yes, we've come from Paris yes yes, yes, we've just come from er Paris yes.Sir?Yes, O'Toole?Which one is the claret, sir?The claret is in the decanter.The wooden thing?No no the glass thing the glass decanter with the round glass stopper.Oh yes, behind the door.No no on the sideboard.The sideboard?The sideboard yes. Look you go into the salle a manger the dining room, right? and the sideboard is on your left, by the wall, beside the master's portrait.Ah! Above the mirror, sir?No! No! The mirror is on the other side. It's opposite the mirror.But that's the table, sir.No you don't go as far as the table. You go into the room, right? on your right is the door to the orangery, straight ahead of you is the door to the library, and to your left is the sideboard.Ah, yes, I see, sirAnd the claret is on top of the sideboard, to the left.On the left.YesAs one looks at it, sir?Yes.O'Toole.Yes, sir.Will you please tell Monsieur Joseph our guest is here.Yes, sir.I'm sorry about that, Your Majesty.Not now, O'Toole!Well er Mr. Montgolfier let's not beat around the bush my dukes and I are very busy men. What we'd like to do is see the plans of your proposed balloon if that's at all possible.Certainly, Your Majesty I have them here ready prepared.Oh, great . then what we would like to do is er to take them back wi'us for the Royal Archives of erFrance, aye.Well, it is indeed a great honor Your Majesty, that I cannot refuse.Right! OK! Let's get 'em.Just a moment!Joseph!Joseph Are you out of your mind!I've been looking it up in my bath. Louis XIV died in 1717. It's now 1783! Answer me that!Did I say Louis XIV? Oh, sorry, I meant Louis XV Louis XV.He died in 1774!All right, Louis XVI! listen to me, smartarse, when you're King of France, you've got better things ,to do than go around all day remembering your bloody number.Aaaaaarh!Right! You want to argue about numbers?Er no, no.Right, well lees get hold of the plans for the Royal Archives. We've got to get back to erParis.Paris by tonight so get a move on..Aaaargh! Ow! Ooooohh!I got as far as the sideboard, sirStop them oh! Ah oooooohh!Will Louis XVI get away with the Montgolfiers' precious plans? Is sixteen years of work to be stolen by this suspect sovereign? Is France really in the grip of a Glaswegian monarch? Watch next week's episode of 'The Golden Age of Ballooning' Now!'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING' CAPTION 'EPISODE THREE THE GREAT DAY FOR FRANCE''SIR CHARLES DIVIDENDS' But now that the Government has collapsed and shown itself incapable of providing any son of unifying force, I feel we do need the stability and the breathing space that a military presence would provide.Lord Interest?'LORD INTEREST'Oh yes I agree that the army should take over, but I think it should not interfere with the program of street executions, which I feel have been the shot in the arm that the British economy so desperately needed.The Montgolfier brothers' plans did indeed turn up six months later, and a long way from Paris, at the court of King George III of England.'THE COURT OF GEORGE III, 1781' Titty was very worried. Where could Mary be? He looked everywhere. Under the stones and behind the bushes and Mr. Squirrel helped him by looking up in the trees, and Mr. Badger helped him by looking under the ground and so, Your Majesty, we the Commons do herein crave and beseech thatEnter!Your Majesty Louis XVIII is here!Who is Louis XVIII?The King of France, Your Majesty! This is a great moment to have, sir.There is no Louis XVIII.He craves Your Majesty's pardon. He has had a long journey here and miscounted He is Louis XVII.Louis XVI is dead already?Aaaaaaaaaaaaghh! Oh my God! Oh ah oh Christ!George IIIGeorge III Sorry. Where can we talk?We shall have a state banquet at St James' Palace!No look, I can't hang about. It's take it or leave we got to get back to erParis.Paris, by tonightMust you leave us, Louis?I'd rather just sell the plans and nip off, Georgie boy.All right we will buy the plans if you will undertake to disengage your troops in America.Do what?And, I shall give you Ł10,000 for the plansTen thousand pounds! Right, well, we'll disengage the, urn, you know like you said we'll disengage 'em tell you what, hen, I'll put a duke on to it OK? Right!You asked for it, sonny.You could have broken my bloody nose!North! Please!You saw it! It was right on the bone.North! Will you send for the Duke of Portland we have a financial matter to discuss.Well, it really hurt.No, look, I think it's better if you give the money to us. We're going back. We've got a bag.No, no don't worry, Louis. We shall talk to your Monsieur Necker.Ah! Well, actually, we'd rather you didn't we've been having a wee bit of trouble with him you know what I mean?Monsieur Necker? The man who introduced so many valuable reforms and who proved so popular despite his opposition to Mirabeau's policy of issuing 'assignats'?'THIS SPEECH HAS BEEN VERIFIED BY ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA'Er aye, yeah the trouble is he's been drinking a bit recently you' know, fourteen lagers with his breakfast that sort of thing.Well very well, LouisJust a moment!Oh, Christ!What are you doing?I am Joseph Montgolfier, the inventor of the fire balloon. The man before you is an impostor!Ooh! I am not honestly!I got it right!I bet you took a few guesses.Listen, you spotty sassenach pillock..And Mr. Bartlett.Oh dear, I'm not supposed to go mad till 1800!'MEANWHILE, IN FRANCE'Joseph has been gone for six months now we have heard nothing!He can look after himself.But he had only on a towel, you know.Antoinette from now on there is only one Montgolfier brother.But Louis XIV has the plans you must wait until Joseph returns.What do you mean?We're supposed to be French, aren't we?No, I mean what are the plans which Joseph after is chasing?Please, let me put it in a little way.Oh, Jacques, ze plans!I take it out if you don't like it.Are you sure the claret was on the left of the sideboard, sir?Yes, O'Toole, it's always been there.Thank you, O'TooleNot at all, sir I've enjoyed being in itThank you, sir mam'selle.Thank you, O'Toole.Not at all, sir I've enjoyed being in it.Right!Thank you, sir mam'selle.More! More! More! etc . etc . etc .George III was arranged and composed by Nell Innes. He is available from the BBC price Ł4 or eight months' imprisonment.That was episode three of 'The Golden Age of Ballooning'. May I remind you that there's stir time to get your 'Golden Age of Ballooning' suppositories direct from the BBC, price Ł4.50, or Ł19 for a set of six. Well, in a moment the BBC will be closing down for the night, but first, here is a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Norwegian Party.Ik tvika nasai SUBTITLE 'GOOD EVENING'. .. Stivianka sobjiord ki niyanska ik takka Norge weginda zokiy yniet SUBTITLE; YOU MAY THINK IT STRANGE THAT WE SHOULD BE ASKING YOU TO VOTE NORWEGIAN AT THE NEXT ELECTION' Ik vietta nogiunda sti jibiora SUBTITLE 'BUT CONSIDER THE ADVANTAGES'In Norge we hatta svinska offikiose buinni a gogik in Europa. ' SUBTITLE 'IN NORWAY, WE HAVE ONE OF THE HIGHEST PER CAPITA INCOME RATES IN EUROPE'Sti glikka in Norge tijik dinstianna gildoosi stiiioska kary. SUBTITLE 'WE HAVE AN INDUSTRIAL RE INVESTMENT RATE OF 14%E in Norge we haua siddinkarvo dikinik chaila osto tykka hennakska. SUBTITLE 'AND GIRLS WITH MASSIVE KNOCKERS!'Gikkiaski ungurden kola bijiusti stonosse. SUBTITLE; 'HONESTLY' THEY'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU'Hijiasgo biundenen ki yikilpa stivvora niski ofidae. SUBTITLE 'THEY'LL GO THROUGH THE CARD'E stavaskija, E stonioska. SUBTITLE'. 'YOU NAME IT' THEY KNOW IT'Stingtic oloshoyert okka in Trondheim khi oyplitz SUBTITLE 'THERE'S ONE IN TRONDHEIM WHO CAN PUT HER . . .''PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE NORWEGIAN PARTY'Highlights of that broadcast will be discussed later by Lord George Brown, ex Foreign Secretary, Mr. Sven Olafson, the ex Norwegian Minster of Finance, Sir Charles Ollendorff, ex Chairman of the Norwegian Trades Council, Mr. Hamish McLavell, the Mayor of Wick, the nearest large town to Norway, Mrs. Betty Norday, whose name sounds remarkably like Norway, Mr. Brian Waynor, whose name is an anagram of Norway, Mr. and Mrs. Ford, whose name sounds like Fjord, of which there are a lot in Norway, Ron and Christine Boslo'THE GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING' CAPTION 'EPISODE SIX FERDINAND VON ZEPPELIN PIONEER OF THE AIRSHIP'Ferdinand von Zeppelin was born in Constance in 1838, the brother of Barry Zeppelin, the least talented of the fourteen Zeppelin brothers.Meanwhile for Ferdinand von Zeppelin, the year 1908 was a year of triumph.It's not a balloon! D'you hear? It's not a balloon It's an airship an airship d'you hear?Well, it's very nice anyway.It's not a balloon! You stupid little thick headed Saxon git! It's not a balloon! Balloons is for kiddy winkies. If you want to play with balloons, get outside.Aaaaaaaaaghhh!I hear you are to name the balloon after Bismarck?Surely he gave you some money for it?Get outside!Za bag lione a sort of cream mouse mousse of Italian originFerdinand that was a Minister of State you just threw out of the balloon.It's not a balloon! It's an airship!All right, I'm sorry.What? Prince Von Bulow? Here?Ja!Coming here?No he is here.He won't notice, Helmut. He's dead.Dead? Here?Ja. In our sitting room.This is our sitting room, dear.well, you know what I mean.Yes but it's a kind of sitting room.Look!Which one is Von Bulow?Here look!Oh, ja and Admiral Tirpitz!Ja.And Von Muller and Herr Reichner and Hollweg and Von GraunbergThat isn't Graunberg that's Graunberg das ist MoltkeHe's a lot older than I thought.He's a clever man, ja. and Zimmermann and KimpteWhat shall we do, Helmut?We must ring the Government.This is the Government, Helmut.Oh dear.It is a great honor to have so many members of the Government dead in our sitting room.Drawing room.Ja, wellThere are no members of the Government dead in our sitting room.Ja, you know what I mean.Perhaps I should make a little speech or something?Not a speech, Helmut noShall we make them a cup of tea?It would be a waste of tea.But we must do something so many important people in our drawing room we must do something.We could sort them out.And make a little list.Ja, ja. We could put the ministers for internal affairs over against the wall, and those for foreign here by the clock.And we can sort them out alphabetically?Nein, nein just put the cleanest by the door.Ja.No, no! That's Von Bulow! He must go over here.That is my reading chair.He is the Reich Chancellor of Germany, Helmut.All right but I think he would have been better up against the clock, you know.No, he would not look nice under the clock.I did not say under the clock. I said against the clock.Well then we could not see the clock!We could put the Minister for Colonies under the clock. He's small.Soon we shall be able to make a list.Ja, is, wait a minute! Who's that by the cat litter?I don't know. I've never seen him before.He is not a member of the Government. Get him out of here. Put him in the drawing room.He's in the drawing room, my dear.Ja, well you know what I mean.Put him in the sitting room.Ja, in, the sitting room, it's all the same.You can put him in the sitting room if he's in the drawing room.'GOLDEN AGE OF BALLOONING'THE GOLDEN YEARS OF COLONIC IRRIGATION'Mr. and Mrs. Rita Trondheim; Reginald Bosankway, who would be next to Norway in a rhyming dictionary, if it included proper names, and if he pronounced his name like that.'THE MILL ON THE FLOSS' SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION 'PART I BALLOONING''THE END'DANGEROUS GASES, VIRUSES, CONTAGIOUS DISEASES, RESTAURANT AND TOILET FIXINGS. GROUND FLOOR MENSWEAR, BOYSWEAR, EFFEMINATE GOODS HALL, ILL HEALTH FOODS. MEZZANINE TABLEWARE, KITCHEN GOODS, SOFT FURNISHINGS, HARD FURNISHINGS, ROCK HARD FURNISHINGS. FIRST FLOOR COMPLAINTS. SECOND FLOOR COSMETICS, JEWELRY, ELECTRICAL, SATIRE. THIRD FLOOR NASAL INJURIES HALL, OTHER THINGS. FOURTH FLOOR GRANITE HALL ROCKS, SHALES, ALLUVIAL DEPOSITS, FELSPAR, CARPATHIANS, ANDES, URALS, MINING REQUISITES, ATOM SPLITTING SERVICE. FIFTH FLOOR COMPLAINTS. SIXTH FLOOR COMPLAINTS. SEVENTH FLOOR COMPLAINTS. EIGHTH FLOOR ROOF GARDEN. NINTH FLOOR TELEVISION AERIALS. TENTH FLOOR FRESH AIR, CLOUDS, OCCASIONAL PERIODS OF SUNSHINE.Yes this looks the sort of thing. May I just try it?Certainly, madam.Is that on account, madam?Yes.Hello? Hello?Oh I see, yes.I'm sorry sir, can I help you?Yes, yes, as a matter of fact you can, actually I was interested in . the possibility of purchasing one of your can I ask who you thought I was?What?Who did you think I was just then when you thought I was somebody.Oh, it's no one you'd know, sir.Well I might know them.It's possible, obviously, but I think it's really unlikely.Well, I know quite a lotI mean he's hardly likely to move in your circles, sirWhy, is he very rich?Oh, no, I didn't mean that, sir.Is he a lord or something?Oh, no, not at all.Well look, this is very easy to settle. What is his name?.What?What is his name?Well erYes?Michael Ellis.Who?Michael Ellis.I see.Do you know him, sir?Er Michael Ellis. Michael EllisYou don'tWell, I don't remember the name.I think you would remember him, sir.Why do you say that?Well, would you remember a man six foot nine inches high, fortyish, and he's got a long scar from here to here and absolutely no nose? oh, I think I do remember somebody like thatWell, that's not Michael Ellis.What?He's a small man about this high with a high pitched voice.Right, I'm not going to buy an ant from you now.No. You've not been properly trained. I demand another assistant.Oh, no, come on pleaseNo, I want another assistant.Thank you.No, I want a different assistant.I am sir, I'm Mr. Abanazar, sir.Don't be silly.No! I want another assistant.Oh, no, come on, pleaseIf you don't give me another assistant.,.Right I'm going!Woooooo .oooooooIt's not him!Oh please, give him a chance!No!Oh no, come on, don't try that!I'm sorry, sir try what?You know perfectly well what I mean.I'm afraid I don't, sir.You were down behind there with a silly mask on going wooo oooI don't think I was, sir.All right, get the manager.There seems to have been some sort of misunderstanding, sir.Manager!This is the manager, sir.What?It's a smashing store this, I can't recommend it too highly, well lit, rat free. It's a joy to manage. Oh yes, the freshest haddock in London, second floor, third floor Ribena, ants here, television and flame throwers over there, behind them our dinner wagon exhibition closes at sixYes, sir? Can I help you, sir?I'm sorry to hear that, sir, which ones?Well, they're hiding now.Sir?They're hiding, down there behind the counter.Yes, of course.Ah! I think I've got it, sir, I think I've got it! Its rag week.Rag week?Yes, you know, for charity, sir.Oh! I see. Some local college or university?No, no it's the store's rag week.The store's rag week?Yes. The senior staff don't join in much it's for the trainees reallyIt's not very good for business is it?Right, sir, I'll get you a senior assistant ants, was it?Yes, please.I don't want him!Oh please! Give me a chance!No!All right Mr. Hartford!Yes good morning, sir can I help you?Yes, please, I'm interested in buying an ant.Ah yes and what price were you thinking of paying, sir?Oh, well, I hadn't actually got as far as that.Well sir, they start about half a p. but they can go as high as three p. or even three and a half p. for a champion inflation I'm afraidWell, I should think one about one and a half p., please.Ah yes, well you should get a very serviceable little animal for that, sir. Quite frankly the half pence ones are a bit on the mangy side What length was sir thinking of?.Oh medium?That's a nice one.What do you feed them on?Blancmange.Blancmange?I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that. No, you don't feed them at all.Well, what do they live on?They don't. They die.They die?Well of course they do, if you don't feed them.I don't understand.You let them die, then you buy another one. It's much cheaper than feeding them and that way you have a constant variety of little companions.Oh, I see.That's the advantage of owning an ant.Right, well I'll take this one. Oh dear, I've dropped itNever mind. Here's another one.Is there anything else I'll need?Won't it get out of there?Yes.Well what's the point of having the cage?Will he live long enough?The book?Yes, the book on ants.So, sir, that is, if I may say so, one hundred and eighty four pounds one and a half p., sir.Will you take a check?Oh, well I think I'll put it on account.Thanks very much indeed.Not at all, thank you, Mr. Ellis.Sssssshh!What did you say?I said thank you, Mr. EllisIt's not him.Oh!Why did you say I was Mr. Ellis?No, he didn't say that.Yes he did. I heard him say 'Thank you, Mr. Ellis'.Oh, no, no he said 'I'm jealous'.What?What have you got now?I bought an ant, mother.What d'you want one of them for! I'm not going to clean it out. You said you'd clean the tiger out, but do you? No, I suppose you've lost interest in it now. Now it'll be ant ant ant for a couple of days, then all of a sudden, 'oh, mum, I've bought a sloth' or some other odd toed ungulate like a tapir.It's really different this time, mum. I'm really going to look after this ant.That's what you said about the sperm whale now your papa's having to use it as a garage.Well, you didn't feed it properly.Where are we going to get forty four tons of plankton from every morning? Your papa was dead vexed about that. They thought he was mad in the dell.Are you giving that tiger drugs?'Course I'm giving it drugs!It's illegal.You try telling that to the tiger.I think it's dangerous.Listen before he started fixing, he used to get through four Jehovah's wimesses a day. And he used to eat all of them, except the pamphlets.Well he's not dim.All right!Well, I'm going to watch one of the televisions come on Marcus.Michael's been on the phone all day for you.Michel?You know, Michael Michael. Michael Ellis. He's been on the phone all day he came round twice.What did he look like?Oh, I didn't see him. The orange rumped agouti answered the door. Only useful animal you ever bought, that.Where is he now?He's upstairs forging prescriptions for the sodding tiger!No, no, where is Michael Ellis now?Oh, I don't know.., he said it wasn't important, anyway all right, here I come.Ah! We're in luck again, Marcus.Hello formicidophiles! Before the blood and guts that you're waiting to see, let's have a look at the anatomy of the little ant.I didn't know ants had six legs, Marcus!Well I can assure you they do, Mr. Ellis.Hey! You've got two legs missing! And that's a false feeler Marcus! Blimey!I'm taking this ant back, mother he's got two legs missing.Hey! Mrs. McWong's been on the phone! The polar bear's been in her garden again.Well I'll get it on the way back from the store.Second floor stationery, leather goods, tribal head injuries, cricket bats, film stars, dolphinafiums.Oh, where do I go to complain?Straight on, then left, then fight past the thing, then, up the little stairs, then right by where it's gone all soft, then down the wobbly bit, past the nail, past the brown stain on the wall to your fight and it's the door marked exit straight ahead of you on the left.Thank you.I don't want you.No! I'm not going to tell you.Something missing in the leg department?Can I help you, sir?No! No! No! No!Oh, it's all right, sir, it's for the sack race later on.No, no, no, I want to speak to the General Manager, I want to complain.Oh, well you want the Toupee Hall in that case, sir.The what?Sorry?The Toupee Hall.The what?The Toupee Hall.This gentleman wants one.Well, no, actuallyI think they're in surgical appliances now.That's fight, yes, you go left at artificial limbs and hearing aids, right at dentures and it's on your left just by glass eyes. It doesn't say toupees to avoid embarrassing people, but you can smell 'em.Thank you.Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, it's so nice to see such a large turnout this afternoon. And I'd like to start off by welcoming our guest speakers for this afternoon, Mr. WadsworthWordsworth!Sorry, Wordsworth Mr. John Koots, and Percy Bysshe.Shelley!Tennyson.Tennis ball.Son, son.Sorry Alfred Lord, who is evidently Lord Tennisball's son. And to start off I'm going to ask Mr. Wadsworth to read his latest offering, a little pram entitled 'I wandered lonely as a crab' and it's all about ants.Thank you, thank you, Mr. Bradlaugh. Now, 'Mr. Bysshe.Shelley.Mr. Keats, Mr. Keats, please leave immediately.It's true. Don't you see. It's true. It happens.Half an inch, half an inchTheme.Psst! Electric kettles over here, Sir.Well, you all are, aren't you?Have you got one?Yes, but I didn't knowI didn't realize that you two.., I thought it was me,Yes, I thought it was me,Actually, I only came in here to ask where the manager's office was.Just a minute someone told you we all had toupees?No.Oh yeah?How did you know?Well it's pretty obvious, isn't it?What do you mean obvious! His is undetectable.Well, it's a different color, for a start.Is it?Course it isn't!And it doesn't fit in with the rest of his hair it sort of sticks up in the middle.It's better than yours.Yes.Oh, I see, you haven't got one.Why did you come in here then?They told me to find the manager's office here.Oh no, not again.That's a bit lame, isn't itIt's the truth!Yeah, look at it. Where did you get that, Mac Fishcries?Dreadful, isn't it?Nylon?Oh yeah, anyone can do that.Come on, get if off.Get away.Look, do you want a proper one?No, I don't need one.There's no need to be ashamed.We've all owned up.I'm not wearing one.Don't you see this is something you've got to come to terms with.I am not wearing a toupee! They just told me to come in here to find the manager's office, to complain about my ant!Pathetic, isn't it.Complain about an ant?This is for your own good.Yes, madam. I'll speak to the makers personally, all right.Would you? It would put my mind at ease.SorryNext?He's still molesting her.I've got a complaint to make.Do take a seat. I'm sorry it's on fire.Where were you out east?Oh, Norway Sweden places like that oh I'm awfully sorry, my suit seems to keep catching fire.Extinguisher?Are there many fires in Norway?Good Lord yes. The place is a constant blaze. Wooden buildings, d'you know. I lost my wife in Norway.I am sorry to hear that.Why, did you know her?No, I meantOh I see. No, she wasn't a favorite of mine. We were out strolling across a fiord one day when one of the local matadors came out of his tree house and flung a lot of old scimitars and guillotines out that he'd got cluttering up his wine cellar and apparently rather a large proportion of them landed on my wife causing her to snuff it without much more ado.Yes, yes well lookWhat a rotten ending.Well it is one of our cheapest, sir.What else have you got?Well, there's the long slow pull out, sir, you know, the camera tracks back and back and mixesNo, have you got anything more exciting?How about a chase?There he is!Oh, no, no, no.Walking into the sunset?What's that one?You know two lone figures silhouetted against the dying rays of the setting sun. The music swells, you've got a lump in your throat and a tear in your eyeOh no.Oh, pity, I rather like that oneThey're all a bit off the point, you see.Well there is one that ties up the whole Michael Ellis thing, but.But what ?Oh, no, nothing, nothingLook, who is this Michael Ellis?How about a happy ending, sir?Oh Chris! Thank God you're safe.No, you wouldn't want that, would you.Why wouldn't I want that?What about summing up from the panel? That's cheap. You know the big match experts.Yes. It was quite a good show. I think that the Michael Ellis character was a little overdone.Well, I don't agree with that, Malcolm, quite frankly the only bit I liked was this bit with me in it now.No? Slow fade?Nnnn no.Well, how about a sudden ending?Che cosa è lo succiacatori do polli?Morning, squadron leader.What ho, Squiffy.>How was it?Top hole. Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's your father. Hairy blighter, dicky birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.Er, I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, squadron leader.It's perfectly ordinary banter, Squiffy. Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's yer father hairy blighter, dicky birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.No, I'm just not understanding banter at all well today. Give us it slower.Banter's not the same if you say it slower, Squiffy.Yes!Bend an ear to the squadron leader's banter for a sec, would you?Can do.Jolly good.Fire away. No, don't understand that banter at all.Something up with my banter, chaps?Bunch of monkeys on your ceiling, sir! Grab your egg and fours and let's get the bacon delivered.Do you understand that?No, didn't get a word of it.Sorry old man, we don't understand your banter.No, no sorry.Say it a bit slower, old chap.Slower banter, sir?Ra ther!Um sausage squad up the blue end!No, still don't get it.Um cabbage crates coming over the briny?No.No, no But by then it was too late. The first cabbage crates hit London by July 7th. That was just the beginningFive shillings a dozen? That's ordinary cabbages, is it? And what about the bombs? Good Lord, they are expensive!Sir!Yes, what is it?News from the Western Front, sir.Yes ?Big enemy attack at dawn, sir Yes ?Well, the enemy were all wearing little silver halos, sir and they had fairy wands with big stars on the end and They what ?.. and they had spiders in matchboxes, sir.Well, they were jolly interested, sir. Some of them I think it was the 4th Armored Brigade, sir, they well, they went and had a look at the spiders, sir.Oh my God! All right, thank you, Shirley.Sir!Bastards First they drop cabbages instead of decent bombs The crates were probably quite expensive, sir.Quiet, critic! And now they're doing very silly things in one of the most vital areas of the war!What are we going to do, Shirley?Well, we've got to act fast before it saps morale. We're going to show these Chinese Germans, sir.Sapper Walters, you stand before this court accused of carrying out the war by other than warlike means to wit, that you did on April 16th, 1942, dress up as a bag of dainties, flick wet towels at the enemy during an important offensive Well, sir Shut up! Colonel Fawcett for the prosecution Sir, we all know Shut up!I'm sorry?Carry on.Sir, we all know the facts of this case; that Sapper Walters, being in possession of expensive military equipment, to wit one Lee Enfield .303 rifle and 72 round of ammunition, valued at a hundred and forty pounds three shillings and sixpence, chose instead to use wet towels to take an enemy command post in the area of Basingstoke Basingstoke? Basingstoke in Hampshire?No, no, no, sir, no.I see, carry on.The result of his action was that the enemy Basingstoke where?Basingstoke Westphalia, sir.Oh I see. Carry on.The result of Sapper Walters's action was that the enemy received wet patches upon their trousers and in some cases small red strawberry marks upon their thighs I didn't know there was a Basingstoke in Westphalia.What map?Well, I've certainly never heard of Basingstoke in Westphalia.What Southhampton in Westphalia?Yes sir bricks clothing. Nearby are remains of Basing House, burned down by Cromwell's cavalry in 1645 Who compiled this map?Cole Porter, sir.No, alas not, sir this was Cole Porter who wrote `Anything Goes'. Sir, I shall seek to prove that the man before this court I beg your pardon, sir?No, this one's different, sir.How does it go?What, sir?How does your `Anything Goes' go?Can I go home now?Sir, really, this is rather Come on, how does your `Anything Goes' go?Anything goes in. Anything goes out! Fish, bananas, old pajamas, Mutton! Beef! and Trout! Anything goes in No, that's not it carry on.With respect sir, I shall seek to prove that the man before you in the dock being in the possession of the following one pair of army boots, value three pounds seven and six, one pair of serge trousers, value two pounds three and six, one pair of gaiters value sixty eight pounds ten shillings, one Sixty eight pounds ten shillings for a pair of gaiters?Special gaiters?Yes, sir, they were made in France. One beret costing fourteen shillings, one pair of What was special about them?Why was the accused wearing special gaiters?Why did they present him with a special pair of gaiters?Sir, it seems to me totally irrelevant to the case whether the gaiters were presented to him or not, sir.I think the court will be able to judge that for themselves. I want to know why the regiment presented the accused with a special pair of gaiters.What things?Oblige them?Yes, sir. The total value of the uniform How did he oblige them?What sir?How did he oblige them?Did he touch them at all?Sir! I submit that this is totally irrelevant.I want to know how he made them happy.Yes. What have you got to say?What can I say? I mean, how can I encapsulate in mere words my scorn for any military solution? The futility of modern warfare? And the hypocrisy by which contemporary government applies one standard to violence within the community and another to violence perpetrated by one community upon another?I'm sorry, but my client has become pretentious. I will say in his defense that he has suffered Sir! We haven't finished the prosecution!Anything goes in. Anything goes out! Fish, bananas, old bananas, Mutton! Beef! and Trout! Anything goes in. Anything goes out. etc.It's Bloody repeats!Yes, repeats or war films. It really makes you want to micturate.People on television treat the general public like idiots.Well we are idiots.Oh no we are not!Well I am.How do you know you're an idiot?Oh, I can show you!How?Look!Mrs. Mock Tudor At last they done been put on something interesting.Mrs. Elizabeth III Oh, most interesting.I'm sorry we just can't give you a bigger budget.Second Planner Budgie?We're not the only slice of the cake, you know.Third Planner Wouldn't mind a slice of cake. Nice chocolate cake delicious I had a budgie once you know, amusing little chap, used to stick his head in a bell what was his name, now Joey? Xerxes? We could repeat them Re heat them?No, repeat them You don't re heat cakes. Not chocolate cakes.What, repeat the cakes?Mr. Heath, that was the name of the budgie.Damn. Blast.I've got it. We can retitle the repeats.What give them different names?Wouldn't that mean retitling them?Brilliant!Right all we need is new titles. And they must be damned new!How about `Dad's Navy'?Mm, good, good.`Up Your Mother Next Door.'Even better `Doctor At Bee'!What?Someone's knocking at the door.Quite like it bit long, though, I think.Far too long.`I Married Lucy.'Hasn't that been done?Oh, yes, a long time ago, though, they'd never remember it.`Doctor at Three'!What?I think someone's knocking at the door.That's even longer!`I Married A Tree.'`And Mother Makes Tree.'`Doctor At Cake'!Look! I'm not absolutely certain, but, well I do rather get the impression that there is someone actually knocking on the door at this very moment.That's ridiculous. Half the program gone. Stop lengthening it!Prefer a cake specially chocky cake No, no. You can't say `sodding' on the television.You're supposed to knock!Sorry, sir, but there's trouble at studio five!You're in security, aren't you?Yes, sir.Sir! It's the World War series in studio five they're not taking it seriously any more.You're not allowed to suggest program titles!Ow! Mind me war wound!That's it! Very good title!Anything goes in. Anything goes out! Fish, bananas, old pajamas, Mutton, beef and trout! Anything goes in. Anything goes out! etc.I say Yes, daddy?Croquet hoops look damn pretty this afternoon.Frightfully damn pretty.They're coming along awfully well this year.Yes, better than your Aunt Lavinia's croquet hoops.Ugh! dreadful tin things.I did tell her to stick to wood.Yes, you can't beat wood Gorn!What's gorn dear?Nothing, nothing, I just like the word. It gives me confidence. Gorn gorn. It's got a sort of woody quality about it. Gorn. Gorn. Much better than `newspaper' or `litterbin'.Frightful words.Perfectly dreadful.Ugh! Newspaper! litterbin dreadful tinny sort of words. Tin, tin, tin.Oh, dear, don't say `tin' to Rebecca, you know how it upsets her.Sausage!Sausage there's a good woody sort of word, `sausage' gorn.Antelope.No, no, daddy just the word.Don't want an antelope nibbling the hoops.No, antelope sort of nice and woody type of thing.Don't think so, Becky old chap.Really, Mansfield.Well, she's got to come to terms with these things seemly prodding vacuum leap Perfectly dreadful.Sort of PVC y sort of word, don't you know.Lower middle.Bound!Now you're talking.Bound Vole Recidivist.Oh dear, suppose she'll be gorn for a few days now.Caribou!Splendid word.No dear nibbling the hoops.Intercourse.Later, dear.Really, dear? How about tit?Oh really, must you dear? You've had nine today.I say, mater, cabbage crates coming over the briny.Er cowcatchers creeping up on the conning towers No sorry old sport.Caribou nibbling at the croquet hoops.Yes, Mansfield shot one in the antlers.Oh, jolly good show. Is 'Becca about?No, she's gorn off.What a super woody sort of phrase. `Gorn orff'.Yes, she's gorn orff because Mansfield said `tin' to her.Oh, what rotten luck oh well whole afternoon to kill better have a bath I suppose.Oh, Gervaise do sing me a song Oh, OK.Something woody.For she's going to marry Yum Yum oh crikey. The old song finished her orff.I'm afraid Mrs. Vermin Jones appears to have passed orn.Dead, is she?'Fraid so.What a blow for her.What I want to know Mrs. Elizabeth III, is why they give us crap like that, when there's bits of the Leicester by pass what have never been shown. Biscuit?Hello and welcome to Show Jumping from White City Oh, moto cross!Quite exciting. beautifully taken, and now she needs to pick up speed for Oklahoma, but not too much. This is where Alan Jones knocked down poor Judd, but And she's taken it superbly!You notice how we never actually see the horses jump.Wait for it I bet we don't see this one.We interrupt show jumping to bring you a news flash. The Second World War has now entered a sentimental stage. The morning on the Ardennes Front, the Germans started spooning at dawn, but the British Fifth Army responded by gazing deep in their eyes, and the Germans are reported to have gone 'all coy'.When does a dream begin? Does it start with a goodnight kiss? Is it conceived or simply achieved When does a dream begin? Is it born in a moment of bliss? Or is it begun when two hearts are one When does a dream exist? The vision of you appears somehow Impossible to resist But I'm not imagining seeing you For who could have dreamed of this? When does a dream begin? When reality is dismissed? Or does it commence when we lose all pretence When does a dream begin?Monty Python social class 9 was performed by Graham Chapman Terry Gilliam Eric Idle Terry Jones Michael Palin social class 2, Arsenal 0 Conceived and written by Graham Chapman John Cleese Terry Gilliam Eric Idle Neil Innes Terry Jones Michael Palin social class Derry and Toms Also appearing Carol Cleveland Bob R. Raymond Marion Mould social class 47 actors `When Does a Dream Begin' by Neil Innes social class 137 musicians Variations on the theme by Bill McGuffie social class 137a other musicians Make up Maggie Weston social class 5 till midnight Costumes Andrew Rose social class 35 28 34 Film Cameraman Stan Speel social class f8 at 25th sec. Sound Recordist Ron Blight social class unrecordable Film Editor Bob Dearberg social class Lower 6th Mr. Potter's Sound Mike Jones social class slightly above the Queen Lighting Jimmy Purdie social class a bottle of Bell's Visual Effects John Horton social class ant Production Assistant Brian Jones social but no class Designer Robert Berk no social class at all Produced by Ian MacNaughton social class 238 470 Scotsman BBC color by permission of Sir K. JosephIt's just that everywhere I go it's the same old thing. All anyone wants me to say is `To be or not to be '` that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous 'Yes. All that sort of thing. And I'm just getting really fed up.No. I'm sick of it! I want to do something else. I want to make something of my life.No. I don't know that bit.I want to get away from all that. Be different.Well um what do you want to be?A private dick!Why do you want to be a private dick?Ooh why does anyone want to be a private dick? Fame, money, glamour, excitement, sex!Ah! It's the sex, is it?Well, that's one of the things, yes.Yes, what's the sex problem?Well, there's no problem.Now, come on, come on. You've got the girl on the bed and she's all ready for it.No, no, it's nothing to do with that.Well, I was telling the other psychiatrist He's he's not a psychiatrist.Oh. He said he was a psychiatrist.Well yes um, he's a kind of psychiatrist he's he's not a proper psychiatrist. He's not er fully qualified in, um, quite the sort of way we should want. Anyway the problem I believe is basically sexual is it?I asked him that!Out please! I'm terribly sorry, sir. We have a lot of problems here with bogus psychiatrists. One of the risks in psychiatry I'm afraid. Unfortunately they do tend to frighten the patient and they can cause real and permanent damage to the treatment. But I assure you that I am a completely bona fide psychiatrist. Here's my diploma in psychiatry from the University of Oxford. This here shows that I'm a member of the British Psychiatric Association, a very important body indeed. Here's a letter from another psychiatrist in which he mentions that I'm a psychiatrist. This is my Psychiatric Club tie, and as you can see the cufflinks match. I've got a copy of `Psychiatry Today' in my bag, which I think is pretty convincing. And a letter here from my mother in which she asks how the psychiatry is going, and I think you'll realize that the one person you can't fool is your mother. So if you'd like to ask me any questions abut psychiatry, I bet I can answer them.No, no, it's all right, really.There's a proper psychiatrist to see you, Dr Rufus Berg.Right you've got the girl down on the bed, you've got her legs up on the mantelpiece.Well, well done, Mr. Hamlet. You've done extremely well in out disorientation tests.Oh? Oh!You see, I'm sorry it might have confused you a little, but we do this to try to establish a very good doctor/patient relationship, you see we do it to sort of, as it were, to break down the barriers. All right?yes fine.Good! Well, you've got her legs up on the mantelpiece On behalf of the Psychiatric Association, I should like to say that we are taking firm action to clamp down on the activities of bogus psychiatrists. In fact in many areas of modern psychiatry computers are now being increasingly used for the first basic diagnosis and this has gone a long way in eliminating the danger of unqualified impostors.Out!Good evening and welcome to `Nationwide'. The program where we do rather wet things nationally and also give you the chance to see some rather wet items in the Regions. Well, everyone is talking about the Third World War which broke out this morning. But here on `Nationwide' we're going to get away from that a bit and look instead at the latest theory that sitting down regularly in a comfortable chair can rest your legs. It sounds very nice doesn't it, but can it be done? Is it possible or practical for many of us in our jobs and with the sort of busy lives we lead to sit down in a comfortable chair just when we want? We sent our reporter John Dull to find out.Well, here I am on London's busy Westminster Bridge, seeing just how much time sitting down can take. Well, I arrived here by train at about 8.50, it's now 9.05, so I've been here approximately twelve minutes and if it's any encouragement, I must say that my legs do feel rested.Is this your chair?Er well, no, it's a prop.It's been stolen!What?This belongs to a Mrs. Edgeworth of Pinner she's standing over there.Ah well, it's nothing to do with me. It's just a prop which the BBC aaargh!Well er perhaps you'd better give it back to her.You don't believe I'm a policeman, do you?Yes I do!What am I wearing on my head?A helmetYes.Yes.That little number there?Yes.That is a Metropolitan Area Identification Code. No helmet is authentic without that number.I see.Oh could I Hang on!Well, no I don't.Ah! Their helmets used to look like you got any paper?Well only these scripts.I'll have that!I say!Now then. Their helmet was not unlike the bobby's helmet in basic shape. It had an emblem here, and three gold and in those days it really was gold, that's part of the reason the Tsar was so unpopular three gold bands surmounted by a golden eagle on the apex here. Pretty nice helmet, eh?Yes.No parked! What's that then?That's our lunch.Right. I'm taking that in for forensic examination.Why?Now, the Chaldeans, who used to inhabit the area in between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers, their helmets were of the modular restrained kind of type Oh Robert, tell me I'm beautiful.Oh you are, you are!Oh Robert, do you mean that?Of course I do.You're not just saying that because I asked you?Of course not.Oh Robert Robert, are you sure it doesn't put you off?What?My father wanting to come and live with us.No, of course I don't mind your father coming to live with us.He wouldn't just be living with us.What do you mean?Well, he finds it very difficult to get to sleep on his own, so I said he could sleep with us.He wants to put his bed in our room?No, no, of course not.Oh good Our bed is plenty big enough for three What?He'd just get into bed and go to sleep.No. I'm not having that.Oh Robert, I thought you loved me?Well I do, but Well, he wouldn't look.He's bound to peek.No, no, he wouldn't honestly.No! No! No!!Oh no dad, you're not.No, no.Good.Well, I think I'll get to sleep.Are you sure?Oh yes, I'm a bit tired after the wedding.Bob, what about you?Oh yes, all right, yes.Oh well, I seem to be O/C lights.Good night.Good night!Father. Father, what are you doing?I'm making a boat.What?It's the Cutty Sark. It's a model I've been making in the dark for some years now.Well, wouldn't it be better with the light on?No, no, I'm making it in the dark, that's the point.Oh dear, not as accurate as I thought.It's not the Cutty Sark!Shut up! Will you shut up in there!I am myself indifferent honest, but then I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not borne me.O fair Ophelia, nymph, in thy orisons, be all my sins remembered So anyway, you've got the girl on the bed and her legs are on the mantelpiece Continue on to the next sketchThat was a great fight, Champ, a great fight, you hear! Oh boy, what a fight, Champ, what a great fight! You nearly had him, Champ, you nearly had him where's his head?I got it in here, Mr. Gabriello.You were great, Champ, d'you hear, you were great!OK, Mr. Gabriello.He was great, Mr. Gabriello.The way he kept fighting after his head came off!He was better when the head came off, Mr. Gabriello. He was really dodging the guy.Yeah, I reckon that if he could've lasted till the end of that first minute, he would've had the Killer worried.Sure, Mr. Gabriello.Oh he was great. Did you see his left arm?No!OK, we'll look around the hall after everybody's gone.Do you realize Mr. Gabriello, some of those guys out there paid over $2,000 for a ringside seat.This your boy's head?No, no, we've got his head. He ain't hurt that bad.OK, give it to me. I'm seeing his trainer tomorrow. I'll give it to him.Hey, Mr. Gabriello. The press is still outside. Are you ready for them?How's the Champ?Hey Mr. Gabriello, Mr. Gabriello. Did you expect your boy to last the full twenty eight seconds?This boy has never let me down. He's the pluckiest goddamn fighter I've ever trained.Were you worried when his head started to come loose?No, no, we were expecting that. I told them to expect it to and it did. He ain't stupid.Hey, can we have a word with the Champ?Yeah OK. But keep the questions simple.Hey Champ! How're you feeling?Mr. Gabriello. People are saying that the kid ought to be buried. His head's come off in the last six fights.There's no question of burying the kid. He's just reaching the top.Well, shouldn't he just stay in hospital?No, he ain't going to no hospital. He's got the return fight next week.And there's Frank Sinatra leaving the ring. Behind him is George Raft, another great boxing fan, Martin Bormann, acknowledging the applause, and with him of course is Gus Himmler, who did an awful lot for the sport in his country in the early 1940s. And here comes the Champ now and he seems in good shape to meet the Killer once again. Before an audience, some of them will have paid $920,000 million for the privilege of seeing this boy get beaten up. And there's the bell.Quiet!!Been shopping?No, I've been shopping.What'd you buy?What d'you buy that for?It was a bargain.I wanted to listen to that!Morning Mrs. Gorilla.Morning Mrs. Non Gorilla.Have you been shopping?No been shopping.Did you buy anything?A piston engine!What d'you buy that for?Oooh! It was a bargain.Oooohhh!Come on little birdies come on little birdies tweet tweet come and see what mummy's got for you Come on little birdies tweety tweety oooh look at this tweet tweet ooohhh nice one come on little birdies Oohh hello, Mrs. Smoker.Hello Mrs. Non Smoker.What, you been shopping then?Nope I've been shopping!What d'you buy?A piston engine!What d'you buy that for?It was a bargain!How much d'you want for it?Three quid!Right. Thank you.How d'you cook it?You don't cook it.You can't eat that raw!Ooooh never thought of that. Oh, day and night, but this is wondrous strange and therefore is a stranger welcome it. There are more things in Heaven and Earth Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. But come, the time is out of joint. Oh cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right. Let's go together.Hello, and welcome to `A Room in Polonius's House'. Well tonight is European Cup night. One result is already in from Munich. The European Cup, first round, second leg, Bayern München 4397, Wrexham 1. So Wrexham going through there on aggregate. Well, now it's time for racing, so let's go over to Epsom and Brian McNutty.Well over here at Epsom, there are chances a plenty for those who want to make a good start in Patient Dentistry. Dentist Dentistry. It's a well off suburb, so most people have their own teeth and surgeries are opening at a rate of four or five a week.Well, it's only forty four minutes from the West End on the train and it's not too built up, so you can have a nice garden. And the people of Epsom are a very nice class of person.Good afternoon, Brian.Well, a fine horse, Brian. You know you can't go wrong.Do you fancy your chances for the Derby?Well, let's just see if a colleague of yours agrees with that. Let's just have a quick word with Desmond Willet. Afternoon Des.Hello, BrianThat's better. Well there you are. Three very well known faces from the racing world. Thanks very much for coming along this afternoon, lads.And best wishes for the Derby.Well in fact I hear they're ready for us now at the start of the main race this afternoon. So let's go right away and join Peter at the start.Well a very exciting race there at Epsom. And now over to the European Cup at Barcelona where the latest news is that Miguel Otana, the burly Real Madrid striker, was sent off for breaking wind in the forty third minute. He'd already been cautioned for pursing his lips earlier on in the game and now he's off! So let's see a playback of that Brian.Jimmy?Good evening.What do you make of that?Well the referees really are clamping down these days. Only last week the Belgian captain was sent off for having a Sony radio cassette player. And Gonerelli, the huge Italian defender, was sent off in Turin for having his sitting and dining room knocked through to form an open living area.Hamlet?Good evening.Well you've got the girl on the bed and her legs up on the mantelpiece Let four captains bear Hamlet like a soldier to the stage. For he was likely had he been put on to have proved most royally A friend of Hamlet's who loves bachelors Carol Cleveland A Jimmy Hill near London Jimmy Hill A bachelor gentleman Bob E. Raymond An Ophelia Constance Booth A loony, but not a bachelor Sir K. Joseph Additional blank verse J. Cleese no relation of Hamlet's, that is Personae non dramatis but technicalis Some bachelors, some not A meker upper Maggie Weston A costume designer and bachelor Andrew Rose A cameraman of London Stan Speel A sound recordist of ill repute John Blight An editor of film who is partly bachelor and partly vegetable with mineral connections Bob Dearberg A studio sound man Mike Jones A lighting Scotsman Jimmy Purdie A visual effector keen on bachelors John Horton An assistant producer friend of Hamlet's Brian Jones A designed who prefers married men but knows quite a few bachelors Valerie Warrender A professional producer and amateur bachelor Ian MacNaughton A Bachelor Broadcasting Corporation BBC color.And thenLet's bring 'em out! Any old iron! Any old iron!Thank you.A perfectly ordinary morning in a perfectly ordinary English suburb. Life goes on as it has done for years.But soon this quiet pattern of life was to change irrevocably. The commonplace routine of a typical Monday morning would never be the same again, for into this quiet little community came Mr. Neutron!Mr. Neutron! The man whose incredible power has made him the most feared man of all time waits for his moment to destroy this little world utterly!Then there's Stanley he's our eldest he's a biochemist in Sutton. He's married to ShirleyI hate 'er! I hate 'er guts.And they, of course, they come down most weekends, so you'll be able to meet them then.I'd love .. · to. Hairdressing is very interesting.And very important, too. If you don't care for your scalp, you get rabies. Then there's Kenneth, he's our youngest. Mind you, he's a bit of a problem at least my husband thinks he is, anyway.Nasty little piece of work, he is, I hate him!Mind you, the one we hear so much about nowadays is Karen. She married a Canadian he's a dentist they live in Alberta two lovely children, Gary who's three, Leslie who's six. They look like the spitting image of Karen. D'you want to see a photo ?Oh, yes please.All right.They're a couple of little bastards. I hate 'em. They've got eyes like little pigs, just like their mother. She's a disaster a really horrible looking person, she is. I thought that one would stay on the shelf, but along comes this stupid dentist git. He's a real creepy little bastard, he is. I hate 'im.This is a nice area.It's like a bloody graveyard. I hate it.It's handy for the shops and convenient for the West End.If you like going to the West End. I think it's a stinking dump.Meanwhile in Washington, at the headquarters of 'FEAR' the Federal Egg Answering Room in reality a front name for 'FEEBLE' the Free World Extra Earthly Bodies Location and Extermination Centre all was not well.Hello?This is Captain Carpenter sir, from FEAR.You mean FEEBLE?Yes, sir What is it?Mr. Neutron is missing, sir!Mr. Neutron! Oh my God! OK Surround the entire city! Send in four waves of armed paratroopers with full ground to air missile support! Alert all air bases! Destroy all roads! We'll bomb the town fiat if we have to!Sir! Sir! He's not in Washington, sir.OK! Hold everything! Hold everything! Hold it! Lay off! Lay off Where is he?We don't know, sir all we know is he checked out of his hotel and took a bus to the airport.All right! I want a full scale Red Alert throughout the world! Surround everyone with everything we've got! Mobilize every fighting unit and every weapon we can lay our hands on! I want I want three full scale global nuclear alerts with every army, navy and air force unit on eternal standby!Right, sir!And introduce conscription!Yes, sir!Right!You've got a bit of work to do there, then.Yes, it is a problem.Mrs. Ottershaw never used to bother then of course she was very old she was 206! Well, must be going if you need any help I'll send Frank round. He could do with a bit of exercise, ha! ha! ha! ha! Fat old bastardYes?Captain Carpenter here, sir. We've been on red alert now for three days, sir, and still no sign of Mr. Neutron.Have we bombed anywhere? Have we shown 'era we got teeth?Oh yes, sir. We've bombed a lot of places fiat, sir.Good. Good. We don't want anyone to think we're chicken.Oh no! They don't think that, sir. Everyone's really scared of us, sir.Of us?Yes, sir.pleased Of our power?Oh yes, sir! They're really scared when they see those big planes come over.Wow! I bet they are. I bet they are. I bet they're really scared.Oh they are, sir.Do we have any figures on how scared they are?No no figures, sir. But they sure were scared.Ah! But it's not working?No, sir.OK. We'll try another tactic. We'll try and out smart this Neutron guy. Yes, there's one man who could nail him.One guy? That won't frighten anyone, sir.Hc's the most brilliant man I ever met. We were in the CIA together. He's retired now. He breeds rabbits up in the Yukon 'What's his name, sir?His name is Teddy Salad.Salad as in ?Lettuces, cucumber, radishes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.Where do I find him, sir?The Yukon. Oh, and Carpenter Yes, sir?Make sure you get a decent disguise.Oh, hello. My name's Carpenter. I'm from the US Government.Are you from the army?Er no I'm er I'm.. I'm from the ballet. The US Government Ballet.The ballet! The ballet's coming here?Well maybeOh, that's Feat! We love the ballet. Last year some of us from Yellow River got a party to go see the ballet in Montreal. Dimly we can see behind the lumberjack a bevy of beautiful boys of all nations.Look, I was wonderingOh, we had a marvellous time. It was Margot Fonteyn dancing 'Les Sylphides' oh, it was so beautifulDo you knowDo you know how old she is?Who?Margot Fonteyn.No.She's 206!Look, I hear there's a US ballet organizer round these parts by the name of Teddy Salad.You mean the special agent?WellHe's an ex CIA man. He's not a ballet dancer.Well, I just want to see him on some ballet businessWell, you could try the storeHey! Can you get us Lionel Blair's autograph?While precious time was being lost in Canada, the seconds were ticking away for the free worldAlready Neutron who, you will remember, is infinitely the most dangerous man in the world, he really is was gathering allies together.Try having an omelet for your evening meal perhaps with yoghurt and grapefruit.Oh, I've tried that I once got down to fifty six stone. But I couldn't 'stay like that. I used to take potatoes wherever I went. I used to go to the cinema with three hundredweight of King Edwards, I'd eat 'em all before I got out of the toilet. I had to go on to bread.What about salad?Teddy Salad?No, no, no salad as in lettuces, radishes, cucumberYou don't like it?No, I didn't want to eat a salad. I wanted to find out about a man called Salad.You're the first person to order a salad for two years. All the Eskimos eat here is fish, fish Where's our fish. We've finished our fish.What fish you want today, uh?Bream please.Bream! Where do I get a bream this time of year? You bloody choosy Eskimo pests.We are not Eskimos!Why don't you like a nice plate of cannelloni?Eurrrrghhh!That's not fish.We're not Eskimos!I am.Sh!Where?What, Salad as inLettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes yes.Like you have on your plate?Yes. That's right.No, I'm afraid not.Where's our fish?What does this Teddy Salad do?He's a er hen teaser.Che cosa è la stucciacatori di polli?'WHAT IS A HEN TEASER?'No, the only Teddy Salad we know is a CIA man.Oh, he might know.Where will I find him?Oh, he lives up at Kipper Sound.Thanks a lot.Fishy fishy iyoooiyooo.Are you in international spying, too?No no I'm with the US Ballet force who are you with?Fishy fishy igooo.Here's your bloody fish.Thank you, Anouk.I'm not an Eskimo!Hey! Hey!Hi! I'm Carpenter of the US Ballet.Hey, great to have you around. The last decent ballet we got around here was Ballet Ramben. On Thursday they did 'Petrouchka', then on Saturday they did 'Fille Mal Gardée'. I thought it was a bit slowI ain't Salad.What?You want Teddy Salad?The one on the end, on the right. That's Salad.That's a dog!What do you mean?Listen, Teddy Salad is the most brilliant agent the CIA ever had, right?Right.That's incredible!He had to slim down to one and a half pounds to get into that costume. He cut eighteen inches off each arm and over three feet off each leg. The most brilliant surgeon in Europe stuck that tail on.What about the head?All of the head was removed apart from the eyes and the brain in order to fit into the costume.That's incredible!D'you want to talk to him?Yeah, sure.What does he say?He wants to go walkies.Walkies?Yeah, he's right into it today d'you mind taking him for walkies?While Carpenter took the most brilliant agent the CIA ever had for walkies, events in the world's capitals were moving fast!The Secretary of State to see you, Prime Minister.Very well, show him in.Prime Minister.Do take a seat.Prime Minister, we've just had the Supreme Commander US Forces on the phone. Apparently they want a full scale Red Alert!They what?They want a full scale Red Alert every troop movementWell apparently the whole structure of world peace may be threatened unless we immediatelyNo, no, Giuseppe not now.No.Giuseppe, do you mind playing over there.Well anyway, this Mr. Neutron, is located somewhere in the London area. We must find and exterminate him. The Americans say if we don't, they will.The Americans say if we won't they will!That he doesn't know what?They'll bomb the entire London area.They won't bomb here.Are you sure?Sure.Well apparently they haven't got Neutron yet but when they doWell. Did he tell you anything?Look, we haven't got much time .. · He hasn't given me any information yetOK. Tell you what, let's eat. You give him one of your meatballs, he'll tell you anything.. · OK?OK.Wait a minute he's trying to tell us something.Carpenter er ugh ahCarpenterYes yes it's just it's so goddam painful in here what's the problem?It's Mr. Neutron, sir he's gone missing. The Supreme Commander wants you to take charge.I oh God I I IYes, Mr. Salad?I gotta go walkies again.Still no sign of Captain Carpenter, sir or Mr. Neutron.OK. We'll bomb Neutron out. Get me Moscow! Peking! and Shahkiln, Isle of Wight!And so the Great Powers and the people of Shahkiln, Isle of Wight, drew their net in ever tightening circles around the most dangerous threat to peace the world has ever faced. They bombed Cairo, Bangkok, Cape Town, Buenos Aires, Harrow, Hammersmith, Stephey, Wandsworth and Enfield But always it was the wrong place.Sorry Enfield! We apologize for any inconvenience caused by our bombing sorryBut what of Mr. Neutron, the most fearfully dangerous man in the world! The man who could destroy entire galaxies with his wrist, the man who could tear fruit machines apart with his eyeballs He had not been idle!In fact he had fallen in love with the lady who 'does' for Mrs. EntrailOh 'ello Mr. N, terrible about Enfield, innit? It's all gone. So's Staines lovely shops they used to have in Staines and Stunmore, where the AA offices used to be. I don't know where we'll pay our AA subscriptions to now. Do you know where we'll have to pay our AA. subscriptions to now, Mr. N?1 didn't know you were a member of the AA Mrs. S .C.U.M.Oh, forget about your husband, Mrs. S.C.U.M. or may I call you Mrs. S?You can call me Linda, if you like.No, I'd rather call you Mrs. S.OhWell that's what I was calling you.Mrs. S, there is something I have to tell youYes, Mr. N?I have just won a Kellogg's Corn Flake Competition.Oh Mr. N! That's wonderful!I got the ball in exactly the right place· The prize is Ł5,000 in cash, or as much ice cream as you can eat.Ł5,000!I was thinking of taking the ice cream.It's been so hot recently.You couldn't eat that much ice cream Mr. N.Mrs. S, I can eat enormous quantifies of ice cream without being sick.Oh no! Take the Ł5,000! Please take the Ł5,000.I was thinking. If we got marriedWe could use the Ł5,000 to buy a spoonOh! We could buy a lot more than that!And then fill up with ice cream.Not Forget about the ice cream. We need the money.We need nothing. For there is something I have not told you Mrs. S.C.U.M.Oh please call me Mrs. S.No I would rather go back to calling you Mrs. S.C.U.M., Mrs. S.C.U.M. I am the most powerful man in the universe. There is nothing I cannot do.Oh Mr. N.I want you to be my helpmate. As Tarzan had his Jane, as Napoleon had his Josephine, as Frankie Laine had whoever he had, I want you to help me in my plan to dominate the world!Oh Mr. N. That I should be so lucky!You're not Jewish are you?Another time when I was in Cairo, I was disguised as a water hydrant. The whole top part of my head had been removed andPlease, Mr. Salad . you must tell us where Neutron is.And I functioned! D'you hear? I really worked. I could put out a fire.Please, Mr. SaladMind you, it hurt a bitPlease, Mr. Salad there isn't much time. Where will we find Neutron?OK. Give me another meatball and I'll tell you.OK listen carefully I won't repeat this. You understand?Yes yes quick.I know where Neutron is fight now. I know the exact address and the exact house and the exact roadOK where is he?He's not in AmericaNo?He's not in Asia!No?He's not in.., Australia!No?He's in Europe!Yeah?And you wanna know where in Europe?Yeah!OK. OK, I'll tell you. He's in England In London at Number 19OK. That's the Yukon what's left?Ruislip, the Gobi Desert, and your office, sir.Ankwat i odr inkerat Gobi Desert Ulverston Road'THIS NEW BOX COMPLETES THE ENCIRCLEMENT OF THE GOBI DESERT'SUBTITLE; 'THE POST OFFICE IS NOW IN A POSITION TO ACHIEVE COMPLETE WORLD DOMINATION'I will take you away from all this Mrs. S.C.U.M.Oh, Mr. N I'd follow you anywhere.We will have two weeks in Benidorm.Oh yes yes.And I will make you the most beautiful woman in the world.Shut up, Mrs. S. We must hurryI'd better leave a note for Ken he'll be expecting usHas Mr. Neutron escaped in time? Is the world utterly destroyed? How can Mr. Neutron and his child bride survive? Will his mighty powers be of any avail against the holocaust? Stay tuned to this channel.Hello. Well in fact what happens is that they are saved by Mr. Neutron's mighty powers just as the last bomb falls on Ruislip.'A MAN FROM THE RADIO TIMES''THE END''CONJURING TODAY'Good evening, last week we learned how to saw a lady in half. This week we're going to learn how to saw a lady into three bits and dispose of the bodyWorld Domination t shirts are available from BBC, World Domination Department, Cardiff.I like this Ano Weet, it really unclogs me.Oh, do be careful.Sorry, mum.I mean a lot of others say they unclog you, but I never had a single bowel movement with the 'Recto Puffs'.Language!Well he gets on my sodding wick.That's better.No, the stuff I liked was that stuff they gave us before the war, what was it Wilkinson's Number 8 Laxative Cereal. Phew. That one went through you like a bloody FerrariIf it's the man to empty the Elsan, tell him it's in the hall.Right, dear.And make sure that you hold it the right way up!Dad ?Yeah?No no, my dadNo no, really, thank you very much no, thank you for calling, not today, thank you. Good morning.Who was that?Go and sit down!Mum? Do you know why Rhodesia's called Rhodesia?When are you coming back tonight?3 a.m.I think it's disgusting you a Member of Parliament.I heard you in the hall last night, snogging away.I wasn't snogging!Sounded like snogging to me. I could hear his great wet slobbering lips going at yer and his hand going up yetDad!No not you.Just mind your languageOh, sorry, mum.We was talking, we was not snogging.Talking about snogging, I'll betIf you must know, we was talking about Council re housing.Where to re house his right hand, that's what he was interested in!And has Faye Dunaway definitely said yes?He is the Chairman of the Housing sub committee.Snogging sub committee, more likeRalph, do answer that door will you!Beans!!Shut up!!Yea, mum.Sorry, mum.Shut up!Postman a a n!!A very good try there, by the Garibaldi family of Droitwich in Worcestershire. ProfessorWell, I can't make up my mind about this family I don't think there was the sustained awfulness that we really need. I mean, the father was appallingAppalling yes .He was dirty, smelly and distasteful and I liked him very much butLady Organs?Well they were an unpleasant family certainly, but I don't think we had enough of the really gross awfulness that we're looking forWhat a super meal.Absolutely super. Pat and Max are coming down from Eton to help daddy count money.How absolutely super.My man at Poirer's says I could have my whole body lifted for Ł5,500Well, some of the wonderful behavior that made the Fanshaw Chumleighs the second Most Awful Family in Britain 1974. But the winners, by a clear ten point margin, are once again the awful Jodrell family of Durham. Unfortunately, we're not allowed to show you some of the performance that won them an award, but I assure you it was of the very highest standard, was it not, Lady Organs?Oh, yes, superb Mr. Jodrell you know, the old grandfather, who licks the He's superb. His gobbing is consistent and accurate. His son is a dirty foul little creature, and those frightful scabs which Mrs. Jodrell licks off the cat areThe Jodrells win every bloody year makes you vomit dad?Yes?Get your stinking feet off the bread.I'm only wiping the cat's do's off.Mum?Shut yet face, Douglas.I wanted some corn plasters.Shut up and eat what you got.A strong hive of bees contains approximately 75,000 bees. Each honey bee must make 154 trips to collect one teaspoon of honey. Hello, sir.What do you want?Would you like to buy some of our honey, sir?What you doing in here?Which would you like, the Californian Orange Blossom, the Mexican, the New Zealand, or the Scottish Heather?He can't eat honey. It makes him go plop plops.Come on, please try some.All right I'll have some Icelandic Honey.No, there is no such thing.You mean you don't make any honey at all?No, no, we must import it all. Every bally drop. We are a gloomy people. It's so crikey cold and dark up there, and only fish to eat. Fish and imported honey. Oh strewth!Well why do you have a week?Listen Buster! In Reykyavik it is dark for eight months of the year, and it's cold enough to freeze your wrists off and there's only golly fish to eat. Administrative errors are bound to occur in enormous quantifies. Look at this it's all a mistake. It's a real pain in the sphincter! Icelandic Honey Week? My Life!Well why do you come in here trying to flog the stuff, then?Listen Cowboy. I got a job to do. It's a stupid, pointless job but at least it keeps me away from Iceland, all right? The leg of the worker bee hasAh, yes you must be Mr. Williams.Well, do take a seat. What seems to be the trouble?I've I've just been stabbed by your nurseShe just stabbed meYes. She's an unpredictable sort. Look, you seem to be bleeding rather badly. I think you'd better hurry up and fill in that form.Ahhh couldn't I do it later, doctor!No, no. You'd have bled to death by then. Can you hold a pen?I'll try.Do I have to answer all the questions, doctor?No I didn'tIt's from 'The Merchant of Venice' even I know that!Oh don't worry about that! Look at this number six the Treaty of Versailles, Didn't you know that? Oh, my God.Ahgg aghhh.Oh doctor, I've just shot another patient. I don't think there's any point in your seeing him.You didn't kill him, did you?'Fraid so.You mustn't kill them, nurse.Oh, I'm sorry doctor. It was just on the spur of the moment. Rather silly really.I'm sorry about the carpet, doctor.Mr. Williams, I'm afraid I can't give you any marks, so I won't be able to recommend you for hospital. Tell you what I'll stop the bleeding but strictly speaking I shouldn't even do that on marks like theseThere are no more patients now, doctor.Oh well, let's go and have lunch, then.Ah yes look, Mr. Williams we're just popping out for a bite of lunch while we've got a spare moment, you know. Look, have another bash at the form and if at least you can answer the question on history right, then we may be able to give you some morphine or something like that, OK?Thank you, doctor, thank you.Dear Sir, I wish to protest in the strongest possible terms. Yours sincerely, Brigadier N. F. Marwood Git retired. Read that back, will you, Brian.And when he had built up Cedron, he sent Horsemen there, and an host of footmen to the end that issuing out they might make outroads upon the ways of Judea, as the King commanded themGood! Pop it in an envelope and bung it off! It's no good bottling these things up, Brian. If you feel them you must say them or you'll just go madOh yes indeed as the book of Maccabee said as the flea is like unto an oxen, so is the privet hedge liken unto a botanist black in thy sight, O Lord!Quite Look why don't you just nip out for lunch, BrianYea as Raymond Chandler said, it was one of those days when Los Angeles felt like a rock hard fig.Brian, let's stop this pretending, shall we.Oh yea as Dirk Bogarde said in his autobiographyBrian let's stop all this futile pretence I've I've always been moderately fond of youWell to be quite frank, Brigadier one can't walk so closely with a chap like you for for so long without feeling something deep down inside, even if it isn't anything anything very much.Well, splendid Brian er well I don't suppose there's much we can do, really.Not on television noNo they they are a lot more permissive these days than they used to beAh yes but not with this sort of thingNo I suppose they've got to draw the line somewhereYesWell take a letter, Brian. Dear Sir, I wish to protestand caption 'THERE NOW FOLLOWS AN APPEAL ON BEHALF OF EXTREMELY RICH PEOPLE WHO HAVE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM'All right, I'll go.There now follows a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Liberal ParAh hello you must have come aboutFinishing the sentences, yes.Oh well perhaps you'd like toYes well er weLike it?Yes yes we certainlyDo Good! Now then when did you first start finding it difficult toFinish sentences yes.Well it's not me, it's myHusband?Yes. HeNever lets you finish what you've started.Quite. I'm beginning to feelThat you'll never finish a sentence again as long as you live.Exactly. It must be awful.It's driving meTo drink?No, round the been.,.dYesMay I..,Take a seatConditions?Yes. Then we try to get them in a position where they suddenly find that they're completing other people's sentencesSpot on MrsGood! Well, try not to overdo it toGood. Just keep it to one or twoTo start off with, otherwise you may find that you'reTaking on too long a sentence and getting completely erStuck. Good. Yes. Well that's about itThanks very much for calling.Not at all.And, erJust like to sayThank you very much for coming along.Not at allAnd goodBye, MrVernon.Carl?Yes, dear?I've just had another baby.Oh, no! How many's that now?Twelve since lunch Oh! There's another one!This is Stonehenge and it's from here we go to Africa.Primitive customs still survive here as if the march of time had passed them by. But for all the mumbo jumbo and superstition, the Batsmen of the Kalahari are formidable fighters, as we can see on this rare footage of them in action against Warwickshire.Warwickshire had dismissed the Kalahari Batsmen for 140, and then it was their turn to face this extraordinary Kalahari attack. Pratt was the first to go, but Pratt and Pratt put on a second wicket stand of naught, which was broken by Odinga in his most hostile mood.'B. RATT''M.J.K. PRATT''V.E. PRATT'But by lunch the situation had changed dramatically.and CAPTION 'C.U. PRATT KILLED OUTRIGHT, BOWLED ODINGA 0 P.B.T.R. PRATT LEGS OFF BEFORE WICKET, BOWLED ODINGA 0 B.B.C.T.V. PRATT ASSEGAI UP JACKSEY, BOWLED UNBOKO 0 Z. PRATT MACHETE BEFORE WICKET, 'BOWLED UMBONGA 0 M.J.K. PRATT STUMP THROUGH HEAD, BOWLED UMBONGA 0 V.E. PRATT RAN AWAY 0 P.D.A. PRATT RETIRED HURT 0 W.G. PRATT RETIRED VERY HURT 0 PRATT DIED OF FRIGHT, BOWLED ODINGA 0 Y.E.T.A.N.O.T.H.E.R. PRATT NOT OUT BUT DREADFULLY HURT 139.'And so with the tension Colossal as we come up to the last ball that's all from us.PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE LIBERAL PARTY WAS CONCEIVED, WRITTEN AND PERFORMED BY J. THORPE AGE 2 C. SMITH AGE 1 1/2 L. BYERS AGE O UNSUCCESSFUL CANDIDATES GRAHAM CHAPMAN LEICESTER NORTH LOST DEPOSIT TERRY GILLIAM MINNEAPOLIS NORTH LOST DEPOSIT TWICE ERIC IDLE SOUTH SHIELDS NORTH LOST DEPOSIT BUT FOUND AN OLD ONE WHICH HE COULD USE TERRY JONES COLWYN BAY NORTH SMALL DEPOSIT ON HIS TROUSERS MICHAEL PALIN SHEFFIELD NORTH LOST HIS TROUSERS MORE UNSUCCESSFUL CANDIDATES CAROL CLEVELAND LIBERAL BOB E. RAYMOND VERY LIBERAL PETER BRETT EXTREMELY LIBERAL AND RATHER RUDE EVEN MORE UNSUCCESSFUL CANDIDATES DOUGLAS ADAMS SILLY WORD NORTH NEIL INNES SILLY WORDS AND MUSIC NORTH COPYRIGHT 1984 THORPE O HITS LTD MAKE UP AND HAIRDRESSING JO GRIMOND MORE MAKE UP MAGGIE WESTON EVEN MORE MAKE UP ANDREW ROSE COSTUMES NORTH MUCH MORE MAKE UP STAN SPEEL FILM CAMERAMAN NORTH MAKE UP AND SOUND RECORDING RON NORTH BLIGHT ROSTRUM CAMERA WITH MAKE UP PETER WILLIS FILM EDITOR AND NOT MAKE UP BOB DEARBERG NOT FILM EDITOR NOT MAKE UP BUT DUBBING MIXER ROD GUEST LIGHTING, MAKE UP AND PRICES AND INCOMES POLICY JIMMY PURDIE VISUAL EFFECTS AND MR THORPE'S WIGS JOHN HORTON PRODUCTION ASSISTANT BRIAN JONES MAKE UP NORTH DESIGNER NORTH VALERIE WARRENDER FAR TOO LIBERAL PRODUCED BY MR LLOYD GEORGE WHO KNEW IAN MACNAUGHTON'S FATHER A BBC LIBERAL TV PARTY PRODUCTION NORTHGood evening. Over 400,000 million pounds were wiped off the value of shares this afternoon, when someone in the Stock Exchange coughed. Sport capital punishment is to be re introduced in the first and second division. Any player found tackling from behind or controlling the ball with the lower part of the arm will be hanged. But the electric chair remains the standard punishment for threatening the goalie. Referee's chairman, Len Goebbels said 'at last the referee has been given teeth'. Finally, politics the latest opinion poll published today shows Labour ahead with 40%, the AA second with 38% and not surprisingly Kentucky Fried Chicken running the Liberals a very close third. And now back to me. Hello. And now it's time to go over to Hugh Delaney in Paignton.Hello and welcome to Paignton, because it's from Paignton that we take you straight back to the studio.Hello. And it's from here we go over there.Well we're already here so let's go over there.Welcome back. And now it's time for part eight of our series about the life and work of Ursula Hifier, the Surrey housewife who revolutionized British beekeeping in the nineteen thirties.and CAPTION 'THAT WAS A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST ON BEHALF OF THE LIBERAL PARTY'