Part One - Fundamental Techniques In Handling PeoQuick Overview
- Principle 1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
- Principle 2 - Give honest and sincere appreciation.
- Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want.
- Principle 1 - Become genuinely interested in other people.
- Principle 2 - Smile.
- Principle 3 - Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
- Principle 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
- Principle 5 - Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
- Principle 6 - Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.
- Principle 1 - The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
- Principle 2 - Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
- Principle 3 - If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
- Principle 4 - Begin in a friendly way.
- Principle 5 - Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
- Principle 6 - Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
- Principle 7 - Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
- Principle 8 - Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
- Principle 9 - Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
- Principle 10 - Appeal to the nobler motives.
- Principle 11 - Dramatize your ideas.
- Principle 12 - Throw down a challenge.
- Principle 1 - Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
- Principle 2 - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
- Principle 3 - Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
- Principle 4 - Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
- Principle 5 - Let the other person save face.
- Principle 6 - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
- Principle 7 - Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
- Principle 8 - Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
- Principle 9 - Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.
As much as we thirst for approval, we dread condemnation."
Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it, But why not begin on yourself?
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
"A great man shows his greatness," said Carlyle, "by the way he treats little men."
As Dr. Johnson said: "God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days." Why should you and I?
Principle 1 - Don't criticize, condemn or complain.
Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great, the desire to be important.
"The deepest principle in human nature is the CRAVING to be appreciated."
People sometimes became invalids in order to win sympathy and attention, and get a feeling of importance.
We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem?
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.
Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed.
Every man I meet is my superior in some way, In that, I learn of him.
Principle 2 - Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Having learned that it was necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish. Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want. So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
Arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.
Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: "How can I make this person want to do it?"
If there is any one secret of success," said Henry Ford, "it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person's angle as well as from your own."
People who can put themselves in the place of other people who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.
Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature." Why can't we adapt this same psychology to business dealings? When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.
Remember: "First, arouse in the other person an eager want."
Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves - morning,noon and after dinner.
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
I have discovered from personal experience that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them.
If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other people - things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
If we want to make friends, let's greet people with animation and enthusiasm. When somebody calls you on the telephone use the same psychology
Showing a genuine interest in others not only wins friends for you, but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company.
"We are interested in others when they are interested in us." If you want others to like you, if you want to develop real friendships, if you want to help others at the same time as you help yourself, keep this principle in mind.
Principle 1 - Become genuinely interested in other people.
I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace. You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.
Every body in the world is seeking happiness - and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.
"There is nothing either good or bad," said Shakespeare, "but thinking makes it so." "most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual.. . . Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude -the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis.
A man without a smiling face must not open a shop."
Your smile is a messenger of your good will.From his bosses, his customers, his teachers or parents or children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless - that there is joy in the world
Principle 2 - Smile.
Jim Farley discovered early in life that the average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it - and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.
Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important - yet how many of us do it?
One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: "To recall a voter's name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion."
We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.
Principle 3 - Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
A man who met Andrew Carnegie said, "I saw he had made a host of new friends in Pittsburgh - yet Carnegie himself said scarcely anything. Only a few words were spoken, but Carnegie's listening, not his talking, did it."
Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.
Many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don't listen attentively. They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open.
If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don't wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.
Friends - real friends - are not made that way.
I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone. The chronic kicker, even the most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener - a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system. He got this feeling of importance at first by kicking and complaining. But as soon as he got his feeling of importance from a representative of the company, his imagined grievances vanished into thin air. They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open. ... Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait . Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person's toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people.
Principle 4 - Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
I am referring to the new waitress who used the technique when she got me so interested in her that I thought she was interested in me - but as it turned out, she was only interested in getting a tip from me.
My business associate asked the waitress why she was so interested in what he had to say and how she managed to keep so interested.
She replied, "It's not difficult. I just ask him questions about his life, listen to him, and he tells me his problems. That's all."
That waitress's technique was so effective that my friend felt that he had known her for years. He couldn't believe how she had made him feel so important.
People are much more likely to be interested in you if you are interested in them.
For Roosevelt knew, as all leaders know, that the royal road to a person's heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
Principle 5 - Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can't radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return - if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve. Oh yes, I did want something out of that chap. I wanted something priceless. And I got it. I got the feeling that I had done something for him without his being able to do anything whatever in return for me. That is feeling that flows and sings in your memory lung after the incident is past. There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. You don't have to wait until you are ambassador to France or chairman of the Clambake Committee of your lodge before you use this philosophy of appreciation. You can work magic with it almost every day. Little phrases such as "I'm sorry to trouble you," "Would you be so kind as to ----? " "Won't you please?" " Would you mind?" "Thank you" - little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life- and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding. The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.Remember what Emerson said: "Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him."
Principle 6 - Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.
I have come to the conclusion that there is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument - and that is to avoid it . Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right. You can't win an argument. You can't because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. Why? Well, suppose you triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then what? You will feel fine. But what about him? You have made him feel inferior. You have hurt his pride. He will resent your triumph. And - A man convinced against his will Is of the same opinion still. If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will. This tax inspector was demonstrating one of the most common of human frailties. He wanted a feeling of importance; and as long as Mr. Parsons argued with him, he got his feeling of importance by loudly asserting his authority. But as soon as his importance was admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted to expand his ego, he became a sympathetic and kindly human being. Buddha said:"Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love," and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person's viewpoint. Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best. Control your temper. Listen first. Try to build bridges of understanding. Be honest, Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.
Principle 1 - The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
If you are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it.You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself. Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so. You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong.That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. And most citizens don't want to change their minds about their religion or their haircut or communism or their favorite movie star. Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix'd opinion, such as 'certainly,' 'undoubtedly,' etc., and I adopted, instead of them, 'I conceive,' 'I apprehend, ' or 'I imagine' a thing to be so or so, or 'it so appears to me at present.' I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion. In other words, don't argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don't tell them they are wrong, don't get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.
Principle 2 - Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
That policeman, being human, wanted a feeling of importance; so when I began to condemn myself, the only way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy. Remember the old proverb: "By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected."
Principle 3 - If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Scolding parents and domineering bosses and husbands and nagging wives ought to realize that people don't want to change their minds. They can't he forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly. "a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall." So with men, if you would win a man to you cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart; which, say what you will, is the great high road to his reason. The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.
Principle 4 - Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying "yes, yes" at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying "no."
In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and keep on emphasizing - the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. Get the other person saying "Yes, yes" at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying "No." A "No" response, according to Professor Overstreet, (*) is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said "No," all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel that the "No" was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to consider! Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it. Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction. It is like the movement of a billiard ball. Propel in one direction, and it takes some force to deflect it; far more force to send it back in the opposite direction. His whole technique, now called the "Socratic method," was based upon getting a "yes, yes" response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
Principle 5 - Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
With them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don't. It is dangerous. They won't pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.
Principle 6 - Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Don't you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn't it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn't it wiser to make suggestions - and let the other person think out the conclusion? In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them; wishing to be before them, he putteth himself behind them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.
Principle 7 - Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don't think so. Don't condemn them. Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as your own.
Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
Principle 8 - Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
So, if you want to win people to your way of thinking, put it in practice
Wouldn't you like to have a magic phrase that would stop all arguments, eliminate ill feelings, create goodwill, and make the other person listen attentively?
Yes? Here it is: "I don't blame you one bit for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do."
Principle 9 - Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
That a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.
The person himself will think of the real reason. You don't need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
Principle 10 - Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Merely stating a truth isn't enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.
Principle 11 - Dramatize your ideas.
When nothing else works, try throwing down a challenge.
The way to get things done," say Schwab, "is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel." The desire to excel! The challenge! Throwing down the gauntlet! An infallible way of appealing to people of spirit. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance
Principle 12 - Throw down a challenge.
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
Principle 1 - Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child's careless attitude toward studies, we might say, "We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better." This could be easily overcome by changing the word "but" to "and." An effective way to correct others' mistakes is …
Principle 2 - Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
It isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable. Admitting one's own mistakes - even when one hasn't corrected them - can help convince somebody to change his behavior.
Principle 3 - Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes. A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person's pride and gives him or her a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
Principle 4 - Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
And how few of us ever stop to think of it! We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person's pride. Whereas a few minutes' thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person's attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting! Let's remember that the next time we are faced with the distasteful necessity of discharging or reprimanding an employee. Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. "I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime."
Principle 5 - Let the other person save face.
Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise. Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.
Principle 6 - Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said "Assume a virtue, if you have it not." And it might be well to assume and state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.
Principle 7 - Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
Principle 8 - Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Principle 9 - Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.