Joyti Changes #28
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Joyti Changes #28
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for Overview and Value Proposition:
I took a lot of Jalen's phrases but restructured them such that there is less repetition and more flow. I also chnaged some thing grammatically. Jalen did a greta job in laying out the groundwork, I feel that it now more punchy and straight to the point.
Remark: In Overview, Before, During and After is used twice, i personallyt think it has more impact whe stated the first time, repearting it at the end is up for review
For History:
Original: share their profile with others. Then, users can browse
Suggestion: Share their profile with others. Users can then browse...
Reason: Reads better
Orginal: Users can also personalize their experience
Suggestion: They will have the option to personalize their experience
Reason: Too much 'Users' They is properly inferred
Original: Additionally, event hosts can create and edit events, and scan the tickets of event goers to verify their entry.
Suggestion: Additionally, event hosts can create/edit and promote thier events, as well as scan tickets to verify entry permissions.
Reason: Listing Event on the app is a form of promotion whihc is very important to event orgnisers, scanning ticket of "event goers' is implicit , no need to specify... if you want to keep it.. they put event attendees, more formal.
For Analysis:
Original: These competitors have established user bases and advanced features, presenting significant competition for Event Radar. However, most of these apps focus on event discovery but do not facilitate connections at events.
Suggestion: These competitors have established user bases and advanced features, presenting significant competition for Event Radar. However, none seem focused on facilitating the connection during events and providing an eco system to create communities, we therefore believe that Event Radar has significant potential is disrupting its market.
Reason: I feel that the suggestion puts Event Radar more in value and states why it stands a chance better.
Original: TicketSwap provides a secure platform for buying and selling event tickets, addressing secondary market needs.
Suggestion: TicketSwap provides a secure platform for reselling tickets to those who can no longer attend an event, addressing secondary market needs.
Reason: More accurate